some things in life are fact.
fact
asian girls over-accessorize. i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm also not saying it's a good thing. what i am saying is that they always have a lot goin on...what, with the charm bracelets and the hats and the bags and the ring pops and the necklaces and the earrings and the scarves and the dress over the jeans with the uggs with the vest with the hello kitty tshirt with the pockets with the zippers with the sash with the you get it.
fact
if i really put my mind to it - i can cook like an em-effer. holy shizz i make some amazing food. i made myself dinner tonight and it was even better than my expectations. in fact, it was so good i wanted to puke it up so that i could re-eat it. (and you know i wouldn't do that because i have puke issues.) but anyway, yum. i'll be the best husband ever someday. even though i'll more than likely also be a divorcee because my overly-fed, obese partner will surely have to be air lifted out of our house via a crane. and the local news will, of course, run the story on the ten o'clock news (an obvious neilsen ratings dreamland) and i'll certainly never live that down. my neighbors will stare at me as i mow the lawn, call me an "enabler" behind my back. a heartless enabler, at that, because news travels fast on facebook. status: ryansumner is now single. what's a person to do though? you know after gastric bypass surgery their face never looks the same - i call it withdrawn horseface syndrome. think al roker. therefore i will have to get divorced.
fact
slow walkers should be sent to gitmo. in fact, they should be sent there on a rocket. seriously, life has no purpose for you. you only make sidewalks dangerous for those of us walking at a normal pace. i'm not saying you should rush through life, but my god, pick up your feet and get to wherever you're going already. jesus mary and joseph. do you have some bad news to tell someone and you're lolligagging about doing so? is this a game? who can walk the slowest? well, you win. ugh. it's not even fun to walk slow so i have no idea what you're doing...other than annoying the piss out of me.
fact
i'm a realllllly good judge of character. do i date what i deserve? sometimes, but most times i date beneath myself. that shouldn't come across as conceited because it isn't. we all deserve the best. the sad thing is that i always see them coming...from a mile away. and they're all the same. it doesn't take much nor does it take long for me to interpret what they're up to and what they're about. don't forget that either because i certainly won't let myself forget it.
fact
sometimes i think smoking pot is a good idea. i saw "it's complicated" last night and they made smoking pot look like a ton of fun. considering the fact that people love to smoke pot, and since it's practically a timeless, treasured past time, i'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that pot is fun. but i've never smoked pot in my life and i really like the fact that i'm so militant in my ways. therefore i will continue to be drug free.
fact
since i was a kid i was absolutely sure that working the checkout position at a grocery store was the coolest job ever. while waiting in line to purchase the ingredients for my divine dinner, i'm still absolutely convinced about that. i could scan stuff alllll day long. it never gets old. scan beep scan beep scan beep. it's heaven really! although i wish it paid better.
fact
i'm slowly becoming an alcoholic. what to do, what to do? maybe i'll get a part-time job at the grocery store...just working weekends at the checkout, happily scanning. and at the end of my shift i'll buy a classic sausage tombstone pizza (purchased with my employee discount, of course), go home, put on some sweatpants, eat my pizza and watch reruns of roseanne.
fact
that'd be pretty perfect.
