From: Lucker, Richard
Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 12:55 PM
To: All--PEM;IOWA State Assessments Staff
Subject: hey ppl everyone
I know this isn’t for work but I’m lookin for a Med.-XL size puppy or dog. My last one ran away when I went to Indiana for vacation and left him with my best friend. Must be good with kids. I am willing to pay for it. Thank you for your time.
Richard Lucker
From: Sumner, Ryan
Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 2:11 PM
To: Lucker, Richard
Subject: RE: hey ppl everyone
Dear Richard:
Dogs do not like you. When your last dog ran away, it wasn’t just a silly prank. He hated you. He hated you, he hated the Hoosiers, and he hated your best friend. Seriously, who’s your best friend? Cruella De Vil? And what do you have against small dogs? I bet your last dog was a Chihuahua and the only reason he ran away was because he just wasn’t BIG enough for you, was he? No matter what that poor dog did, nothing was ever good enough because he didn’t measure out to be size “Med.-XL.” Dog’s aren’t Tshirts, Richard. You don’t special order dogs by size. Do you think that by getting a bigger dog that it’s going to cover up the smaller issues in your life? Get real. Buy a Hummer. Dogs come in all shapes and sizes and your last dog wouldn’t have hit the streets so suddenly if you weren’t such an ignorant buffoon.
And do you think Darice Keating is going to appreciate finding an email in her inbox with the subject of “hey ppl everyone” ?? Next time, put the extra 5 seconds into spelling out the word people. P-E-O-P-L-E. I know vowels are a total waste of space, but at certain times, like when you send an email to the ENTIRE company, vowels come in handy.
Also, good with kids? Um, you have kids? Honestly…should you be reproducing? What if one of your kids was a midget? Would you just drop them off at your best friends, too until, WHOOPS, he jumped out the window in the middle of the night and took off on a one-way trip to GuadalaMexiRico in hopes of finding a new family that will accept him for who he is.
And I’m real glad you’re “willing” to pay for this Med-XL dog idea of yours. What, as if someone’s going to be like, “Here, Richard, take my dog. FREE. On the house! Here, have my wife, too. She’s yours!"
You are a real piece of work, Richard Lucker.
Sincerely,
Ryan Sumner
1.12.2007
I really think that laughter is the best medicine. While Vicodin sometimes makes my world a better place, I'd rather have my stomach hurt from laughing than be in a comatose state-of-being for 7 hours. Living in Iowa City, you'd think that my priorities were out of order, but just go with me on this.
There are other times I feel void of all emotion. I couldn't even tell you the last time I cried. I've had a lot of people die or fall ill, even then, it's like I have to imagine the time Uncle Jesse almost moved out of the Tanner household and Michelle gurggled out "I'll miss you Uncle Jesse." Sometimes that scenario helps my eyes produce a glossy sheen and if I blink 80,000 times in a row at the speed of light, eventually a tear might fall out? That's pretty much my preparation for fake crying. It's a struggle. If only I were Sally Struthers and surrounded by orphans--then, and only then, would my emotions come more easy.
The weird thing is, I used to be SUCH a crybaby. Oh, we're not going to Pizza Hut even though I earned a free personal pan pizza from my Book It award? Fine Mom, I'm never speaking to you again! Wah! Cue instantaneous sobbing rage. Oh, the ant just died on 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids'? Cue emotional meltdown.
But, cut to 5 years ago when my best friend died in a car accident-I'm like Stone Cold Steve Austin, minus the muscle and goatee. Actually, minus the goatee--I've been working out. Anyway, I'm still unable to produce a tear or even a slight shake in my voice. What's WRONG with me?
Don't answer that.
Now laughing...I'm more than capable of this. I'm one of those annoying people who find it best to laugh after throwing my head back, opening the airways, and belting out a loud, shout-like laugh that is nothing short of pure obnoxiousness. I find humor in so many things, that I can't help but to show my appreciation. But before you jump to conclusions, there are, of course, those few individuals who I find NO humor in, even if they're typically regarded as being funny. One such instance is this bitchy girl at work who I refer to as "the Queen Bee" which ironically has nothing to do with work. You know when there's a group of friends that hang out a lot together, but there's always that one individual that kind of runs the show? She's it. Anyway, so this girl is flipping through this catalog like there's no tomorrow, and all of a sudden she goes, "Oh.My.God. Butter pecan ice cream is the shit-nizzle" ...which was said in this "ch'yah, like totally" valley accent.
Really? Is it that good and did you really need to put nizzle at the end of shit? Get out of my face. And honestly, take off that scarf. You're indoors. I think your neck will survive, and will probably thank you later. And also, I know you're proud of your recent g-string purchase at Lane Bryant, being that everytime you sit down you expose the entire world to it's thin-wedgie glory. However, maybe you should take that g-string out of your ass and use it to floss your snaggled teeth with.
The other emotion I deal with frequently is hostility.
There are other times I feel void of all emotion. I couldn't even tell you the last time I cried. I've had a lot of people die or fall ill, even then, it's like I have to imagine the time Uncle Jesse almost moved out of the Tanner household and Michelle gurggled out "I'll miss you Uncle Jesse." Sometimes that scenario helps my eyes produce a glossy sheen and if I blink 80,000 times in a row at the speed of light, eventually a tear might fall out? That's pretty much my preparation for fake crying. It's a struggle. If only I were Sally Struthers and surrounded by orphans--then, and only then, would my emotions come more easy.
The weird thing is, I used to be SUCH a crybaby. Oh, we're not going to Pizza Hut even though I earned a free personal pan pizza from my Book It award? Fine Mom, I'm never speaking to you again! Wah! Cue instantaneous sobbing rage. Oh, the ant just died on 'Honey, I Shrunk the Kids'? Cue emotional meltdown.
But, cut to 5 years ago when my best friend died in a car accident-I'm like Stone Cold Steve Austin, minus the muscle and goatee. Actually, minus the goatee--I've been working out. Anyway, I'm still unable to produce a tear or even a slight shake in my voice. What's WRONG with me?
Don't answer that.
Now laughing...I'm more than capable of this. I'm one of those annoying people who find it best to laugh after throwing my head back, opening the airways, and belting out a loud, shout-like laugh that is nothing short of pure obnoxiousness. I find humor in so many things, that I can't help but to show my appreciation. But before you jump to conclusions, there are, of course, those few individuals who I find NO humor in, even if they're typically regarded as being funny. One such instance is this bitchy girl at work who I refer to as "the Queen Bee" which ironically has nothing to do with work. You know when there's a group of friends that hang out a lot together, but there's always that one individual that kind of runs the show? She's it. Anyway, so this girl is flipping through this catalog like there's no tomorrow, and all of a sudden she goes, "Oh.My.God. Butter pecan ice cream is the shit-nizzle" ...which was said in this "ch'yah, like totally" valley accent.
Really? Is it that good and did you really need to put nizzle at the end of shit? Get out of my face. And honestly, take off that scarf. You're indoors. I think your neck will survive, and will probably thank you later. And also, I know you're proud of your recent g-string purchase at Lane Bryant, being that everytime you sit down you expose the entire world to it's thin-wedgie glory. However, maybe you should take that g-string out of your ass and use it to floss your snaggled teeth with.
The other emotion I deal with frequently is hostility.
1.01.2007
Hey new year.
I'd typically take this opportunity to fill in an entire entry of allll 8, 485, 937 resolutions I'd like to make this year, but today it hit me...resolutions are useless. I'm not going to change something about my life just because a 6 became a 7. Resolutions have to have more meaning than that. You have to WANT to change. I don't know if I want to change anything. Sure, I'd like to eat less pasta this year. Carbs, you know. Who cares though?
What's more important is that I had a new revelation today, be it the new year, or be it a quiet, lackluster day. But I still thought of something. I thought about how I would like to change myself by simple observation of people close to me.
There are things I see in friends and family that I'd like to inherit this year. Compassion, confidence, commitment...I know the C's are redundant, but it's completely coincidental. Oops!...I did it again.
There are also things I want to observe, and have already observed, that reflect characteristics and attributes that I don't want to see in myself, or be caught possessing. Rudeness, arrogance, selfishness, laziness, greed. I've seen this in people, and while it's not something that would make me sever a friendship or relationship over, it simply reminds me that I don't want to embody that attribute and have it be seen as my own.
I'll have to finish this thought later -- my elbows hurt. Actually, this horse is dead. Let's make glue.
I'd typically take this opportunity to fill in an entire entry of allll 8, 485, 937 resolutions I'd like to make this year, but today it hit me...resolutions are useless. I'm not going to change something about my life just because a 6 became a 7. Resolutions have to have more meaning than that. You have to WANT to change. I don't know if I want to change anything. Sure, I'd like to eat less pasta this year. Carbs, you know. Who cares though?
What's more important is that I had a new revelation today, be it the new year, or be it a quiet, lackluster day. But I still thought of something. I thought about how I would like to change myself by simple observation of people close to me.
There are things I see in friends and family that I'd like to inherit this year. Compassion, confidence, commitment...I know the C's are redundant, but it's completely coincidental. Oops!...I did it again.
There are also things I want to observe, and have already observed, that reflect characteristics and attributes that I don't want to see in myself, or be caught possessing. Rudeness, arrogance, selfishness, laziness, greed. I've seen this in people, and while it's not something that would make me sever a friendship or relationship over, it simply reminds me that I don't want to embody that attribute and have it be seen as my own.
I'll have to finish this thought later -- my elbows hurt. Actually, this horse is dead. Let's make glue.
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