i know you all have your own, personal favorite fantasia barrino moment, but my all-time favorite fantasia experience was this little song and dance:



not only do i like that song, i was crazy about the performance. on so many levels. the simplest level being that i too like to march around my apartment the exact same way.

so much goodness: i don't know if it's the red hair, the sheer energy, the quick, choppy choreography, the marching around, the clapping, the divaness, the crack flowing through her veins, or simon's dumbfounded expression during the whole thing but

damn gina!

that was a performance.

someone's learning how to walk! ahhhh parker james you are getting too big too quickly!

here's a little secret. if you want white teeth, do not:

drink coffee,
drink soda,
consume large amounts of red wine,
avoid flossing, and
avoid dental hygiene altogether.

but here's an even better secret:

i owe my white teeth largely in part to the methods described above but also because i use ultrabrite toothpaste. it was rated #1 by consumer reports for effective tartar control, fluoride offering, and whitening capabilities.

what's better is that this toothpaste is about as cheap as it gets. i think its retail price is around $1.

word to the wise - use ultrabrite for an ultra bright smile. show me your teeth!

i learned some startling information today:

for starters, i'm pregnant and i just found out that it's a girl! her name will be temetria jenkins sumner.

second, i never knew the extent of roger ebert's illness. i just remember him as being "sick." no, no...he's not just sick. he has throat cancer and he hasn't been able to eat, drink, or speak for the last two years. wow. and then i saw his picture and about fell out of my chair:



i had no idea. no idea whatsoever. and shame on me because he's a fellow chicagoan. i love and respect ebert's reviews as i believe him to be fair, unbiased, and rather genius. he's recovering well and will soon have an electronic voice mechanism to allow him to once again communicate. may the force be with you.

but i also had no idea of his family dynamic either:



didn't see that coming.

it's amazing what you can learn in a couple minutes time.

i dedicate this blog entry to all of my readers/fans in the london area.

i love you, too!

ps. i don't own any crocs but i have a fierce addiction to euro-techies.

so, i'm not a big tv buff. some of it makes me fall asleep, some of it holds no priority over doing things in the 3d world, and most of it is completely obnoxious and cringey.

especially reality tv. it's the worst and you know it. ere go, i'm no longer watching anything reality-based. ever. and it won't be a challenge. i can't even count this as a lenten sacrifice.

and i hope the same is true for you, even though you probably have no idea why i would even say such a thing. ugh.

but c'mon...i know you all get cringed-out when watching the bachelor or the jersey shore. you have to. if you don't - something is seriously wrong with your perception of what reality really is. or maybe you're just a puke. i know i'm getting a little judgemental here, but speaking on behalf of my aging generation as well as the younger ones following right behind, we are seriously in some deep shit if this is what we regard as american culture. and you wonder why other countries hate us? i'd bomb us too.

do you think people in italy love snookie? she's not even italian. but back to my point:

the fistpumping jokes aren't funny anymore. all of the bachelorettes are cashcows with spray-on tans. the real world hasn't been real or memorable since new orleans. it's been straight up real world porn. whoopie.

i know some of you love survivor, others are crazy about the amazing race. they hold some level of purpose in their taping, but even then...it's still complete garbage.

you are becoming dumber every second you expose yourself to it. d-u-m-b. yes, call me a hater...tell me how much you hate to love it...everyone says that same line. it's so bad but i can't stop watching it!

crackheads have the same attitude. plus, here's the other downside - reality tv exists because we allow it to. because we imagine ourselves as the next big star. mostly because it requires zero talent.

the only thing it requires is a shameless attitude.

inside each and every one of us is a need to be in the spotlight. we want celebrity. we want admiration for doing absolutely nothing.

we all do. ask any professional athlete's wife. or any real housewife of. it's all the same story.

and that's exactly what reality stars get - admiration for having done absolutely nothing. look at the jersey shore. i've watched half an episode and that was plenty. i've seen those idiots everywhere on tv and feel so incredibly sorry for them. on some level they understand they're being exploited and manipulated into creating a face for vanity, stupidity, and ignorance.

and sex. don't forget sex. that's what's selling their bar promotion's cover charge.

but it's still sad. even with their name signed on the dotted line of their contract. i feel bad for their grandparents.

but what do you care? you love it, you eat it up with a nickel-polished spoon. you make it possible.

but what surprise is that? you're probably sitting on chatroulette right now thinking its a great way to meet people.

but in reality you're just watching someone masturbate.

congrats society - you suck.

women of america (add in a few gays) here's something to chew on, consider, sleep on, admit, anything...just do something (please!?):

for those of you who buy or paint any of those inspirational quotes that you tack onto the walls of your home: live, love, laugh, eat, happiness, believe, hope, blah, etc., whatevs - i got something to tell you, and there's no way around it. oof...this is gonna pinch just a little...but it's the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts...

live, laugh, love? hope, dream, believe...all of it. whatever three cutesy-wutesy words you choose - it's all reallllllly tacky.

the tackiest.

some of you have the wooden kind, some of you have the stenciled kind, some of you have the free-hand painted kind, some of you have the free-hand painted wooden stencil kind.

whatever kind you have - think it over.

it's been done a million times. the cutesy factor is over. no one is being inspired.

let it go.

invest your money in something a little more 2010, like bamboo kitchen flooring.

now that's sex.

i will live, laugh, and love on some bamboo flooring.

i think i've posted on here before about my deep, unwavering objection to dog owners who think it best to tie up their dogs to stop signs, bike racks, street lamps, and other permanently cemented objects while running errands out and about in the city.

oh, you need to make a "quick stop" to buy some stamps? oh, you think it's cool to just leave fido unmonitored and strapped up to a post office dropbox, while in the meantime myself and others are innocently passing by, not knowing whether to fear or sympathize with your abandoned pooch?

he could bite me. or he could be non-verbally begging me to dognap him because he hates you so much.

have some respect. if you're taking your dog out for a walk, don't multi-task. don't kill two birds. take your dog on an effing walk and then take him home and then buy your stamps.

from now on, every time i see a dog helplessly searching for its owner through a window storefront...i'm going to steal that dog and sell him to the chinese.

now i'm the one killing two birds: i'm helping america pay off our debt and providing dinner for an entire family.

what's the purpose behind your existence?

i'm not sure what mine is, but one thing i do know is that the energy you put out into the world has a measurable effect, an effect on either yourself or someone else. i know it to be true because i am a result. lately i've come across strangers. these strangers have no idea that they've impacted my life, but they did. and i think that's the point. my mission is simple: i'm going to start smiling more. i generally avoid making any kind of physical or emotional connection with strangers, but i observed the other day an overwhelming amount of people that smiled when no one was around, smiled as they walked, smiled as they sat.

i don't know if something spectacular happened in the neighborhood or if i wasn't included on some big joke...but i encountered multiple smiley people.

and it made me want to smile more.

not only do i want to do this, but it makes perfect sense to. i'm always the first to warn others about speaking it into existence...which means once you say something and put it out there in the world, it's there forever. regardless if anyone even heard it.

so what if i put positive, non-audible signals out into the world? what happens then?

i don't exactly know but i'm going to give it a try.

ps. my next non-audible positive vibe i'm going to start doing more of is the very scary making eye contact. not the creepo kind, but the warm, friendly, cute kind.

watch out, world.

gaga and miranda!

this is some good reporting...

"Hairstylist" Sold Drugs Not Haircuts

By Ivanna Hampton
NBCChicago.com

A Chicago gang banger's "makeover" wasn't fooling anyone, including a judge.

John Brown attempted to hide the fact that he was a Gangster Disciple and big crack cocaine supplier by opening a hair salon called Beautiful Imagez in Englewood in 2005, feds said. But he was more of a pusher than a trimmer and on Thursday, Brown pleaded guilty to drug charges.

The kingpin hairstylist may find plenty of prison pals looking for a nice hair-do.

my favorite parts: "he was more of a pusher than a trimmer..." and "Beautiful Imagez."

nice.

umm...am i the only one here that feels like tiger woods owes no one an apology besides his immediate family i.e. elin and the kids?

don't apologize to me...i've never even met you. if you want to sleep with 25 whores, go right on ahead. you don't owe me any explanations. and god knows i've created my own personal miseries via text message.

plus, are we all held to the same level of do-no-wrong expectation as this rich golf player? i hope not. i don't stand up on the 146 Michigan Express bus every day and declare extreme sorrow to every unknown passenger for not having given that geriatric woman my seat.

(first of all, there were plenty of other seats available. second of all, she was wearing a real fur coat. she didn't take pity on any of those chinchillas. third of all, i mean...if she looked like she was going to fall over and break a hip at any moment, i would have gotten up. but, mam, i see a spot two rows down right next to that weirdo-lookin man reading his dorky-ass kindle, keep'er movin. take a seat.)

anyway...

what is wrong with our society?

we love to play the victim even when we are anything but.

let's discuss this article, shall we:

Tina Fey: ‘I don’t weigh myself’
Actress tells Vogue she lets fit of her clothes decide if she’s gained weight

“30 Rock” star and Vogue’s new cover model Tina Fey says she doesn’t obsess about her figure — explaining that she lets the fit of her clothes decide if she’s gained weight.

“I don’t weigh myself. I just go by if my clothes fit,” the writer/actress told Vogue in its March issue. “I try not to participate too much in the incredible amount of wasted energy that women have around dealing with food.”

Fey says that being in front of the camera has been a good motivator to stay fit.

“I just feel like being healthy is sort of a job requirement to be on TV, and being a writer is so much coping with fatigue and stress, and you just eat. You eat to stay awake,” she continued.

Before appearing on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” Fey said she lost 30 pounds.

“I’ve never gone back up,” she told the mag. “Well … I have had a baby. I gained 35 pounds … and had a 5-pound baby.”

She explained that she sees both the pros and cons of the fashion industry.

“People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’ — but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating. Maybe it just starts a shame cycle: I’m never going to look like that model, so … Chicken McNuggets it is!” she said.

“And conversely, I don’t look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and feet … the women I grew up around were curvy … there wasn’t this value on skinny, skinny, skinny. Curvy was clearly meant to be the winner. I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.”

Fey said she hopes she’s someone in Hollywood that the everyday woman can relate to.

“I feel like I represent normalcy in some way. What are your choices today in entertainment? People either represent youth, power, or sexuality. And then there’s me, carrying normalcy,” she said. “Me and Rachael Ray.”

okay, so i obviously have an opinion that i'd like to...weigh in on. sorry, i had to. this is yet another reason why i absolutely adore tina fey - her complete honesty and sense of rationality.

i live in a world that cannot escape its own vanity. close to home or far away, figuratively, i'm surrounded by narcissism. men have no sense of control when it comes to controlling their body image. they think they are in complete control, but in reality they're nowhere even close. if you want to see insecurity at its finest, go to any gym in the lakeview area. wow. also, go to any of the bars on halsted. double wow. never in your life (unless you live in LA) have you seen such insecure, attention-needy, and FIT people. these men work out incessantly, their diet consists of anything with a GNC or Vitamin World logo on it (add in some rice, raw meat, and eggs) and the juice between their heads and their muscle is FLOWIN.

these men are completely consumed with how they look in the mirror. they flex, they pose, they check out their butts, they freak out at the thought of sugar, they constantly count heads that may have turned in their direction. they're desperately seeking the stare of a stranger. eye contact is all they need to reassure oneself that they are looking good tonight. they have their tightest t on, they pout their lips, they practice their "i'm so distracted right now i have no time to acknowledge your existence" shuffle. it's like clockwork.

while these men may have the bodies that attract the eye, while they may get the attention they seek, and while they may have the notches in their bedpost to measure their success -- they are nothing but a shell. their body image is so skewed they have no real perception of who they really are. but who can blame them? with a schedule that consists of hours at the gym everyday, constantly counting calories, measuring scoopfuls of whey protein, and reading the protein content on everything that they buy...who has time to work on "the self?"

instead of subscribing to a moderated, healthy lifestyle...they're all about instant gratification. they want to look good now. they want their biceps to out measure yours. they want to steal your boyfriend or girlfriend. they want it all i.e. your attention. but could they throw a punch? oh, probably not, but to them, by the sheer size of their arm you'd never know that. but it's true. it's all smoke and mirrors. just because they pile on some temporary muscle mass, by no means does that mean they are strong. they can lift heavy stuff, sure, but could they wrestle someone and win? doubt it. show me your time after finishing a triathalon. oh, you drowned during the swimming portion? makes sense.

these gym bunnies aren't athletes, they aren't the pinnacles of health. they starve, they diet, they withhold, they push their bodies hard...there's no sense of long term personal responsibility to their well-being. it's the here and now. it's all about the mental instant gratification and measurable attention. if they're doing anything, they're building an exterior that is produced, not earned or merited.

find any of these "hot muscle boys" in ten years...they'll have the same story of your high school sport superstars. remember how in shape and goodlooking they used to be? at some point their "extreme diets and workout regimens" began to slow...and then cease...and then WOAH. that muscle turned to fat real quick. they let themself go. after all, they have no idea what a real diet is...one that consists of eating healthy, eating in moderation, and all while not depriving yourself of food with fat, sugar, butter, or anything that comes with sprinkles.

life is short you guys. tina fey said it best when she said "I don’t look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and feet."

wow is that true. what's almost humorous is - go get a close-up of any of these "hot guys" and take a look at their face. ask them to smile. get a reference from someone they recently dated. find out what their resume includes. ask them what they think about universal healthcare.

while anyone can have an impressive body, you can't build-a-face and you can't escape a delusional personality disorder.

another sentence of tina's perfectly summed up my own personal outlook on life. perfectly. i absolutely treasure the confines of feeling like a "normal" human being. i work out, i eat right, i measure the results by how i look in my clothes. i like to stay active. but i truly know if i'm doing things right if i feel like a normal human being. nothing i do is extreme. i'm not cutting out carbs or cheese. i'm not hiring a personal trainer so that i can get a six pack. i'm healthy and i'm happy. enough said: “I feel like I represent normalcy in some way. What are your choices today in entertainment? People either represent youth, power, or sexuality. And then there’s me, carrying normalcy,” she said. “Me and Rachael Ray.”

perfect.

guys - eat in moderation. be fit. exercise. go on a walk and get some fresh air. taste your food. live your life. vanity is like money...you think it's going to get you what you want out of life, but after you have it, you may find yourself at your lowest point ever. don't waste your time trying to appear like something that you're not. if you don't love the total package that makes up who you really are, no one else will love you either. nobody wants to date your ego, except perhaps other nobodies.

so be very careful. be happy with yourself. be rational. be kind. and be a good person.

think long term. are you going to keep up this extreme dog-and-pony show for the rest of your life? i highly doubt it. but if you manage to, i bet you're still single when you're 65...still creepin around that same old bar in that same tight t. how will you ever find love if you're completely in love with yourself?

don't get caught up in your bodily self-image. it's really not worth it. it's hazardous to your health. find happiness.

"I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.”

well said.

okay, michael hartz if you're reading this -- don't get mad at me. this was just TOO good not to share. it truly brightened my day.

so mhartz posted a facebook status message about elton john saying that he thought jesus was gay and that it's hard to be a gay man and not be crucified for it...yada yada.

so peeps keep leaving comments on it, therefore this status message keeps resurfacing to the top of my newsfeed. luckily, while randomly checking facebook, mhartz's status thing popped back up again and i read thee funniest comment i have probably ever read:

a man who shall remain somewhat anonymous (or perhaps not at all after i post this) left a comment saying: "try being a straight man that everyone thinks is gay"...which i thought was absolutely funny-as-all-hell and i totally get his point. that would suck.

but here's what really had me rolling...and, i'm sorry, i can't even blur out his face because it is too integral to the funny factor. here is the straight guy's facebook profile picture:



ummm, hilarious!!!!!! so everyone thinks this guy is gay? um, of course you do! why would anyone assume anything different? ugh, precious. and i love that this guy has a sense of humor about it all, because it is indeed humorous. i'm sure he's an awesome guy because of this one factor alone. i want to be friends with him so bad.

but let's also look at this scenario from a different perspective: so this guy knows he perpetuating the stereotype of a gay man in 2010 and has complete control of his outward appearance. complete control. i dress myself every morning, too. so, if his misinterpretation were truly a big enough day-to-day problem to the point that it negatively affected his life (and his love life), one would assume he'd handle the situation as necessary, i.e. changing his style a little to reflect something a little more...masculine, right?

well, you'd be wrong. this is what he is and he isn't apologizing for it. i love it. right on. who wants to purposely stifle their life or outward appearance just because people may make inaccurate assumptions?

i don't think anyone should have to do that.

but the bad thing is: we all are guilty of doing exactly that. we all judge! if i saw this guy walking down the street in chicago, i'd be like " oh hey gay, how you is?"

yep, guilty. so, obviously this guy is going to be, without fail, passed up by chick, after chick, after chick...all because of his own life choices.

and i love him for that.

because from the looks of it - he's not into chicks.

but he is!

oh, life.

uhhh did this door girl just tell lauren conrad to wait in LINE?! ohhhh she so tried to, but smart ol'LC talked her way outta that one:

is it okay if we just...you know *wink*

uh, yes ms. conrad, YOU GO RIGHT ON AHEAD!

that melody-lookin door snatch needs to be

a. fired,
b. tarred, and then
c. feathered.

look me in the eyes and tell me you don't know every single lyric to this song. i know i do.

i'll take a shower, i will scour, i will ruuuuuuuub...

i think i opened the floodgates when mentioning my "blog writing style" in a few posts back. since then, i've received numerous emales about how i write and, interestingly, my intelligence (or lack thereof).

for example, one reader wrote:

why don't you take the time to make your blog more readable? i never understand what you're talking about and it doesn't read well. it reads like you're talking off the top of your head instead of engaging your readers to a point you want to make.

my answer is this:

sooo very rarely am i trying to make a point, especially a point i want to communicate to an audience. it's never that important. if anything, i almost always write via a stream of consciousness. i have a thought, i then expand upon it via a blog post, i click submit, and i hold no personal expectation of anything happening thereafter. i don't wonder if i communicated clearly or correctly. i almost never go back to fix spelling errors after the initial spell check. i don't ask for feedback. i'm not here to impress anyone. that was never my intention and it certainly isn't something i will try to improve upon in the future. this isn't graded. this isn't going to senate review. it's not being printed for mass distribution. no bigwig headhunters are scouting obscure blog writers for the next...perez hilton (his writing ability is unarguably at a 3rd grade level beeteedub, so if he's the competition then i should be considered the freakin tolstoy of the blogosphere). so, in the words of a faux joy behar, so what, who cares?

i'm big into blogs, and i actually read quite a few that aren't on my ilike list. i mainly read blogs because i enjoy reading the varying perspectives of others...and rarely do i judge their writing style. i'm basically content if bloggers spell things correctly and use 101 grammar.

trust me, many MANY blogs read like college essays...which i don't care for. i especially hate intro, body, conclusion type blogs. it just takes me back to my college days where i wrote ENDLESS amounts of formal essays. i'm so over that. i'm not saying every blog should reflect a writing style of rosie o'donnell...but to each their own. do what you want, no one is making me read their blog, and vice versa with my own.

i think a lot of the bloggers who aim to impress their readers via a sophisticated writing style are probably non-writers who like to write. they're IT managers who write scripts. or perhaps actors who think they're jennifer lopez by being able to sing, dance, act, AND write because, you know, they're "artistic."

whatever the case may be, i can spot it a hundred miles away. so much of their writing is tainted by their own ego and, therefore, no longer comes across as super intelligent, but showy...what, with their big words, flashy transitions, and white glove grammar. laa dee! do what you gotta do, but i don't believe it necessarily makes reading their work any more impressive or fun than someone who writes like myself. i, myself, tend to gravitate toward a writing style that's a little more vulnerable...a little more human-to-human. instead of an egotistical writer building a wall between their work and their readers...i much prefer they construct a picket fence. something slightly see-through. let's understand one another, shall we? let's relate. yes, writing is a skill and we like to take pride in it if we can do so, especially considering a large portion of our society cannot write worth a damn...just read any youtube comment or twitter @response. but let's come back down to earth - blogs are about communicating. and, since i hold skill (and an education) in writing, i like to translate my writing to my audience on a slightly different perception level. i want you to read what i think as well as how or why that thought occurred. and wow those thoughts are almost never clean, literally or figuratively. but they're mine, and i want to share them with you. i don't mind showing flaw, weakness, or imperfection in my writing or within the subject of my writing. that's what a blog is about, right?

and if you don't believe that line of bullshit, just cut me some slack already. it just is what it is. i write on this blog almost every day, several times a day. so what if i don't provide you with masterpiece literature - that doesn't mean i'm lazy or stupid. in my opinion, i've been known to publish some nicely written opinion pieces...but i certainly don't have the time, strength, or energy to do that on a daily basis, multiple times a day.

i have a full-time job and a social life, you know.

and just for clarification...that doesn't mean this well is dry.

:) no sirree. that's not the case at all. i'm very excited and encouraged about the potential of you know who and you know what (if you're fortunate enough to be on the inside)...

but i'm thinking big picture here. which is probably not advisable but i can't help myself. my sister and brothers are living (and loving) that big picture. my time is coming, and i'm loving life too in the meantime, sometimes i just get a little jealous i guess.

omg i'm human!?

it's kind of discouraging. my family is growing so rapidly with all of these babies and in-laws...but none of it is coming from me.

unless you count busta bust sumner. but let's keep this real, shall we.

i'm so far from having a family of my own.

so discouraging.

this is so interesting and admirable. it really makes you think about what's important in life: money or happiness

kudos to him.

i had to google who alexander mcqueen was. my excuse: i have no fashion knowledge whatsoever. designers? um, don't really know any. if it weren't for project runway i wouldn't know who's in and who's out. fashion mags? don't read them. labels? american apparel, diesel, nike, and urban outfitter is typically the best i can do.

however, r.i.p on a human-to-human level. suicide is always so tragic.

new miranda!

i really can't wait...in a couple years, we're all going to look back and LAUGH at how ridiculous fashion glasses were. and you all know what fashion glasses are and if you're guilty of wearing them...well...i hope you at least look cute in them. if you don't know what they are, just go into any american apparel or urban outfitters store and talk to the employees there. you'll immediately differentiate between customer and employee because employees at those stores love them some fashion glasses. which is fine. to each their own. i will absolutely merit that fashion glasses look cool on some people...but not everyone, which translates to = probably not you. so, for all of our sake, i hope the realization of how absolutely ridiculous they are comes sooo much sooner than later.



see, even yours truly is guilty. actually, this rare moment in fashion glasses history was just for the sake of the photo op. that stunning pair actually belonged to the other guy in the pic, lil p(ray), who i must say looked great in them. but still, in my narrow opinion: if they're not prescription, do the world a favor - take'em off.

thanks in advance!

they never cease to amaze me. lovin hunter and jessica, as ewesh-zies. love love love em.

as ewe-sh, i have to do everything myself-skies.
yeah and this ass raider totally passed out in the dumpster behind the new W...
hi-zies.
okaaay precious...
um, i don't want you to because you work at cashforgold.com.
anywaaayz.
um ps. i totally gave dane cook an hj in the bushes at runyon.
he did.
thank you.
well fuck you, you fucking kohl's spokesperson!
yeah, cuz momma needs a refill. shots shots shot-shot-shot shots!

i wish i could somehow get paid for

pouring a glass of water,
drinking two sips of it,
then setting the glass down in a random location of my apartment and letting it remain there for quite some time...only for me to pour an entirely new glass mere hours later.

i'd be a millionaire.

and, i would love my job because, apparently, it's my all-time favorite activity considering how much i do it, well, next to not throwing away bottles of shampoo even though they're empty and have been so for weeks.

secret hoarder?

omgggg i was rolling on the ground in laughter (rotgil) while reading some recent google search entries of people querying my blog or somehow linking to my blog from a search engine...all around hilariousness. yes its my new word. anyway:



"the pretzels in chex mix are a buzzkill."

pure genius. even though i totally disagree with that statement, depending on the chex mix flavors at hand of course. chex mix presents some good options nowadays - in fact i think one flavor is entirely devoted to all-things-caramel. yum! gone are the days when you just threw some generic chex cereal and nuts into a bowl and mixed in some butter. sorry grandma! anyway, back to my point, i actually look forward to the pretzels...if there's anything buzzkill about chex mix it's easily the darker-colored chex pieces. wtf are those? whole grain?! sick. up out my face.

but still, a hilarious search entry and double hilariousness points for the fact that somehow my blog came up as a match to it.

wow. i love my life.

LML! - woah cool, i'm copyrighting that shit!

this is my kind of dialogue: dramatic. creative. altered. i love every second of it.

ps. that's also how i hit. dead.on.

revelations:

i don't claim to be fashionable. most days i wear jeans, tshirts, and cardigans. major staples in my life. i have more to offer than just buying clothes and hoping they impress someone. plus, it's the man that makes the clothes, not the other way around. or so you'll find out. too many of you think that by dressing all kooky you're gonna go somewhere in life. good luck with that.

i only use oversized spoons. regular sized spoons just aren't big enough in accomplishing the beautiful art of shoveling.

i'm often perceived to be bitchy, judgemental, critical, narcissistic, an elitist...when in fact i'm none of the above, really. do i make judgements? sure. we all do. but is any of it hurtful, blind, or caustic? no. in all actuality, i've never met someone who didn't like me on some human level. i'm very friendly, i can talk to anyone, and i have very few enemies, if any. don't assume that just because i express my opinion, frequently, that i will have an opinion on you. i'm sure you're cool. it's all cool, don't worry.

i think about taco bell almost every.single.day yet i haven't eaten there in almost 3 years. yes, i know the exact date of my last visit.

i feel like i have a lot to offer. anyone that doesn't realize that doesn't deserve any portion of it. i know i often write as if i'm hurt and jaded, but again, i'm not. i just wear my heart on my sleeve and am vurry sensitive.

i've completely embraced using/wearing a snuggie.

the way i write on this blog is completely unpretentious. yes, i write for a living. people (non-related) believe me to be a decent writer, on some level, and pay me an annual salary to do such. however, writing professionally and writing a blog are two different adventures. here i like to be myself. i like to write shorthand. i keep things choppy and non-sentencey. i make up words and i almost never use big words. respectable grammar is not on the agenda. if anything, this blog is merely a stream of consciousness/outpouring of bullshit. i almost never talk about this blog in the 3d world because often i feel people will come here, look at this dog-and-pony show, and then get all huffy when they don't understand or appreciate what i do. it's not serious yall. "he calls himself a writer?!" yes, i am a writer. and some day i'll write a book and laugh the entire way to the bank.

i don't drink pop. i don't drink coffee. i don't like red bull. my only source of caffeine comes from a minute, daily intake of green tea. but, i'm freakishly concerned that drinking green tea will in turn make my teeth green. i'm equally freakish about maintaining white teeth. what's a worry wart to do?

if you follow me anywhere or know me in real life...you've noticed that i change my mind on an hour if not millisecond basis. i'm in then i'm out. up and down. hot and cold. yes and no. you get it. don't hate. relate. i'm over it, are you? now let's be under it.

kgottago.

his love don't come with a lifetime guarantee.

never settle.

we all deserve to be appreciated 100% of the time
we all deserve 100% committment
we all deserve 100%

i deserve 100%.

anything less will never be enough.

you haven't tried like i hoped you would.

next.

does this do anything for anybody?

it does for me.



segaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! you know you did it every.single.time before playing sonic.

thanks a lot, sis, for leaving our cherished sega behind in some dumpy college apartment for some upcoming idiot frat guys to enjoy!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i miss you, tails.

hey freaks guess what - i'm hopping back on the twitter bandwagon. yeehaw!

i kinda miss it. i kinda want to start writing quips and jabs. i kinda want to stalk others.

tmi, but whatever, it's all true.

ryansumnerblog is the twitter name. wear it out.

i'll try to reconnect with my twitter friends of yore.

i promise to be better to you.

my newest nephew/niece. can't wait to see what the 6th sumner offspring will bring to an already very large table :)

don't forget the nanner over to your right. it's housing some great tunes that i'm particularly loving at the moment.

i'm absolutely crazy about imogen's new(ish) cd. absolutely love it - my favorites being little bird (featured on the nanner), canvas, bad body double, and wait it out. absolutely amazing...great, great sit-back-and-reflect music. if i can't sleep at night, i'll put in my buds and listen to her. it soothes, it calms, it makes me imagine all things light, airy, comforting, beautiful. it takes me to a place that my rem cycle can't compete with. do you smell rats in the kitchen? i do. i love the feelings and thoughts that come to me while listening to her and others.

speaking of others, my bff jfeste informed me that goldfrapp (an all-time fave of mine) is coming out with a new cd as well. SO EXCITED. i already have previewed two tracks: believer and rocket. soooooo good, i can't wait for the rest. keep your eyes and ears peeled for more jams.

annnnd...sade has a new album out and it's smokin hot, as to be expected. her sultry voice makes me melt and empathize toward whatever she's singing about. and the intstrumentals? effing sex. i'm freakin crazy about lover's rock (it's the best song to make out to, trust me) but she's produced a couple other great tracks like babyfather, skin, and i'm absolutely positive that i want my wedding dance song to be in another time. god i'll slow dance with myself to it...it's that romantic.

so far - love love love this year in music.

i really need to file my taxes. problem is: i'm an idiot.

the modern man inside me says: do it yourself. for free. online.
the know-it-all inside me says: uh, remember what happened the last time you filed your own taxes?

what happened last time was this: a couple years ago i filed my taxes online, by myself. the taxes were sort of complicated because, at the time, i had several different w2s and a couple other things complicated the situation. long story short is i made a HUGE mistake on my taxes, filed them, and then an entire year later the irs sent me a notice saying that i owed them several thousand dollars.

ooops. my bad.

so you can see why i'm just a tad bit hesitant to try this route again. typically i have someone prepare my taxes for me but i feel like it takes forever and a day to get it done and squared away with...and more importantly i want my refund asafp.

ugh. i'm doing it. i'm going it alone. turbotax.com here i come. help me god. and yall can keep your fingers crossed for me too because if the shit hits the fan again this year, i'll for sure be in the big house because my ass is broke.

funny things heard on tv today:

chess club wasn't for me because, as it turns out, chess is nothing like checkers.

let's do that thing where i talk the entire time and we only talk about me, and when you get a turn to talk, i'm just gonna think about what i'm going to say next.

let's go shopping at some age-inappropriate store and then come back here and drink your $28 bottle of wine!

that sounds awesome, but honestly i had two $14 bottles of wine and i already drank them both.

you are too cool.

first off - let me inform you that i'm barely alive right now. some kind of bug has wrangled my immune system and hogtied it something serious. my roommate just came home early from work saying that she too is sick. this apartment needs to be quarantined. apparently it's the breeding ground of viral death.

in the midst of this awful illness, i've been fading in out of a nyquil-induced dreamland, where good things and bad have been playing out in my mind. the good times included several deceased cats of my yesteryears coming back to life:

omg, where did Oreo come from? i thought she was dead!? it's so good to have you back! xoxoxoxox

the bad included me having to give a speech to a large crowd of people and i couldn't spit out any of the words without sobbing hysterically. it was so awkward and humiliating.

i'm fading again....lets talk after this bitch bug subsides, shall we?

byee.

for some reason today has been a reallllly funny day. don't get me wrong - i'm on my death bed with an em effin mother flippin headcold that is taking no prisoners. i'm about to take 3 nyquil gelcaps in an attempt to not open my eyes until thursday. hopefully, i'll a) wake up b) feel better and c) look weeks younger...

but in the meantime

watch this clip. she never fails. so, so funny. i literally laughed so hard that i went into cardiac arrest, died, saw the light, went to heaven, told jesus i wasn't ready, came back to my body, clicked play, watched the rest of the clip, laughed some more, and then made a protein shake.

suit up! put the wings on.
dear america...lofty!
...dancers...