11.29.2006

Look at you. Completely helpless, dirty, begging me to spare your miserable life. I have needs too.

I don't want to give you up. I don't want to stop liking you. I don't want to stop thinking about you, thinking about when the next time I'll see you, the next time I'll taste you.

But at the same time, I don't want to think that just because your life sucks, mine should too.

I didn't ask to be who I am, or the position I was put in. I didn't ask for any of it. But yet you want me to completely change my life around for you? Like it's so easy?

I wish I could, but I can't.

I love meat.

Sorry PETA.

*Please do not eat Butterball, Tyson, Oscar Meyer, or any other processed meat. They're mean to the turkeys, chickens, cows, pigs, and other animals. It's sick. But at the same time, I can't be a vegetarian. I'm WEAK. I'll only consult my local dairy and butcher for meat and dairy products from now on.*

11.23.2006

So, can I be depressing for a second?

Sweet, thanks.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you're going to die alone?

I do.

11.01.2006

There's something very disturbing about leaving for work in darkness, and then leaving work, only to find that the night never left.

The last few months have been devestatingly hard, perhaps my hardest yet. In this time I've seen countless obstacles that, for me, I've easily maneuvered past; while others have swallowed me whole.

You know me. Well, some of you do. I try to take control over everything in my life. No, I won't try to control your life, I'm just protective of my own. You treat me well? You have a place in my heart. You treat me poorly? You'll never be seen again. That's just the way it is. I keep those whom I KNOW are there for a reason. I feel like there are quite a few people like that in my life, and for that I am truly blessed. But I know that there are those who don't hold my best interest, those who don't think twice...and for you, goodbye.

I can't control how I feel. I can't control what happens to me. I can't control situations that arise. I can't control the lurid thoughts and doubts that haunt me. I can't control my life.

I can control my reaction though. I control what and who my life contains, and sometimes I misjudge, but often I don't. I can control how I tolerate misgivings, or what I can do to get past. I can control what really, truly matters...and let go of the rest. As someone once said, there's a beauty in just letting go. And it is beautiful.

I've let go of an insecurity this week. Humility. I've told a few people how amazing humility is. Humility shows you how to be human. It shows you that no one is perfect, and that no matter what you do to prevent bad things from happening, shit happens. Like a broken nose. Believe it or not, it made me a better person. I've always believed that God is in control of my life, and those obstacles He places in front of me are for a reason. Not my reason, but for one reason. To be a better person. And it happened. I still have many, many flaws...I'll admit that to anyone. But in this one moment, I learned something that I'll quite possibly never forget, nor would I ever want to forget. I'm imperfect. Beautifully imperfect.

Embrace imperfection. Keep humility in your heart. Allow yourself to be at the bottom, to learn and grow once again regardless of how old you are, or how much you have already been through. I'm not trying to be preachy, and I'm not trying to make a point. I'm reflecting on what has been a traumatic and stressful period of my life...and though it has caused me sleepless nights and endless uncertainty--I'm blessed that it has given me the opportunity to witness it, the courage to get through it, and the dignity to move on.

Life is so incredibly unyielding, and persistent, but so beautiful. Life isn't controlled and I can't control my life.

And for that, I'm thankful.