I always have this dream where I write a memoir about my life and it becomes a NY Times bestseller, selling millions of copies, in fact, so many copies that it sets a record for selling the most amount of copies ever. And then Oprah wants it in her book club, and I'm on Larry King Live talking about the inspiration behind the book, and Lindsay Lohan is being hounded by the paparazzi, taking picture after picture of her with my book in hand--subject line being "Stars are just like us! They read Ryan Sumner's memoirs!" But you should also probably know that when I'm writing my memoirs, my hair is always really messy and I have thick glasses on.

And then I think about the financial gains from writing these memoirs, and I believe the fortune to be somewhere in the billion range, but the exact number puzzles me. For some reason, 3 billion dollars just doesn't seem to be enough these days.

Oh, 2006.

So, does anyone else HATE Jeffrey on Project Runway as much as I do? I really hope so. The guy has no talent and no chin. That nasty tattoo around his neck ISN'T cool nor is his haircut which looks like Corkey from Life Goes On took a Flowbee to it after finding out his sister's boyfriend had AIDS and she was still kissing him on the railroad tracks, regardless.

Yeah, that's how much I dislike him. And he WON last night for making some ugly rockstar outfit, where the pants looked like some pajama bottoms I used to wear 20 years ago. And trust me people, you do NOT want to know what I was wearing 20 years ago.

Back then, I was really into Pound Puppies.

I think it's safe to say that we all know I have issues with aliens. Their existence in this world is undeniable (according to me) and it's only a matter of time before I come face to face with one.

Last Sunday, I inadvertently watched this show on the National Geographic channel, entitled...

(Hold on, I have to Google the name of the show because I can't remember what it was)

Aha..entitled "The UFO Phenomenon--Seeing is Believing."

And, OH!, actually before I start talking about that, on Saturday morning I watched this show called "UFOs over Illinois" and it talked about how on this one night in southern Illinois, this two-story UFO was flying around and was witnessed by over 7 people in 4 different towns (5 of the 7 witnesses were police officers). It was crazy because they all saw the same thing and one of the witnesses worked for the Air Force Base that is located in the area, and he confirmed that it was a non-registered, non-military sighting because the base was shut down on that night, so it wasn't like a top-secret plane that the Air Force was testing out. Plus why would the AF build a two-story "secret" plane? Russia would totally see that coming.

Silly rabbit.

Anyway, so back to the other alien show I was watching...so Peter Jennings was hosting it which is weird because he's dead, and I kept thinking to myself, I wonder what he looks like now? But I digress, so Peter is talking about how all of these UFOs have been seen by like 33,000 government and commercial pilots, and had all of these experts on talking about aliens and the reasons why they exist and he had this one scientist/professor who was the lead figure in disproving aliens and UFOs, but after all his studies he became a believer and lead this coalition in producing attention and money into creating programs that would help to scientifically prove that aliens exist. The show had SO many scientists, witnesses, and just ordinary citizens who all KNOW they saw something, but no one believes them. Why not believe them? Sure, they had on some freaks who were talking about how they were abducted by aliens in their sleep, and especially this one crazy lady who said that she was abducted from her home, was placed on a bed in the UFO and was introduced to this female alien who was holding onto an alien baby. The Earth lady goes, "Whose baby is that, is that my baby!?" and the alien lady goes "No, this isn't your baby, this is OUR baby."

Okay, yeah right lady. As if aliens know how to speak English and are capable of using a dramatic emphasis when saying OUR baby. dundunDUNNNN!

Now, what I didn't like about the show was that they would say, "Scientists disprove alien visitation on Earth for this, this, and this reason...but then they would follow up with a HOWEVER...and shoot off some random fact and show some scary UFO video footage.

Ugh, in all I was on a rollercoaster ride of beliefs and disbeliefs. What I did learn though was that aliens are here and they are queer, so get over it.

is equal to


So, after talking about this subject with a few people, I've decided that it would actually be best to put this opinion onto a textual platform. Here goes:

Now, I wouldn't consider myself a huge fan of fast food. Sure it typically tastes good and is relatively cheap, but it's not the best thing in the world to be eating. The places that I sometimes go for a fast, cheap meal would be Wendy's, Burger King, Taco Bell, and perhaps a few others. However, within the 4 or 5 times a year that I go to these places, the one restaurant that I consistently have a horrible time at is WENDY'S. The horrible-ness of every encounter is measured on many different levels. My main concern lies within the employee staffing. Without getting called a racist by my friends, I will just say that the majority (and by majority I mean each and every one) of the employees at EVERY Wendy's I have ever been to have always been staffed by unfriendly black people. This is similar to how every bank is staffed with unfriendly white people. The difference is that the mean bank people aren't handling food. I can handle having cocaine sediment on my dollar bills, but I can't handle having cocaine being used as a salt substitute. That sounds bad...unfriendly black people wouldn't waste cocaine like that.

Let me restate...

I can handle having a stripper's vagina juice all over my dollar bills, but I can't handle having a Wendy's employee spit a loogey on my hamburger as a makeshift spicy mayonnaise.


Now I'm not saying that it has ever happened, and if it did it tasted okay...but my point is the fact that I feel like the employees want to KILL me for merely stepping foot within their establishment. I'll walk up to the register and sure enough, here comes some girl with big fingernails and an even bigger attitude, freaking out on me because I wanted a Frosty instead of the drink that comes with my meal. Yeah, I want a Frosty INSTEAD of a drink, not a Frosty and a drink, and don't tell me I can't because I can.

Ohhhhh hell no I didn't.

Then she gives me the silent death treatment while all the others are in the back, staring at me without blinking. Well, this meal officially ended before it even got started. I wasn't hungry anyway.

I am not my hair!

And neither are you. Just be nice to me when I'm ordering a Frosty, okay sweetums?