8.23.2011

i think i just saved my own life, possibly countless others.

by being a dick.

you heard me right.

so, it's noon-ish. i'm eating lunch. my patio doors are open.

(my patio faces the entrance to the building i live in.)

i'm sitting, eating, enjoying...then i hear someone say "hey!"

and not a nice hey. a rude hey. i liken it to a crass NY'er yelling at a taxi that braked late into the crosswalk. "hey! i'm walkin here!"

anyway, this hey immediately grates on my typically infallible nerves.

so i turn around and some older guy is peering into my patio window.

sick.

my new guard dog bella goes to the patio door and gives him a soft woof.

"woah there, fella." was his response.

admittedly, i'm somewhat charmed by his old-timey expression.

so, giving him the benefit of doubt, i walked over to the patio door and performed an up-and-down assessment of the old timey charmer. that would be his name, i decided.

eep, too soon - i'm no longer charmed.

he look-a-like-a-creep.

slightly annoyed with his creepiness and already knowing he's going to waste my time, i slowly raise my eyebrows as to signal to him to warrant his hey.

**by the way, from the mere 2 seconds i looked at him, i automatically assume him a serial killer. the old-timey charmer is now his serial killer name. here is my best recollection of his appearance:



PS the man in that picture is a serial killer. coincidence?

-in his hands he had what looked to be a dvr device wrapped in a plastic bag.
-he was wearing a neon yellow vest - much like a road construction worker.
-he was also wearing beige dockers with a matching button-up.
-he had a nightstick attached to his belt.

=???

i didn't like what was before me.

he began to ramble about being a technician that is installing something in the "insert random neighbor's last name here" and that he got locked out. he appeared frustrated and in a hurry.

i continued to look at him, mostly in fear and significant doubt, then quickly assessed my options. i could:

1) buzz him into the building and let whatever happens, happen. my deadbolt was bolted after all.

2) continue to ask him questions like a detective would, however it was raining and the raindrops kept hitting the patio floor then splashing onto the inside floor as well as my feet. i didn't like that.

3) say no and walk away.

i chose option 3.

he immediately became hostile. "whaddaya mean you're not going to let me in!?"

i walked back over.

sir it's against association policy to let people in this building unless they are my personal guests or city authorities. i don't know you. i'm not letting you inside.

"gimme a break kid, i just told you what i was here for!"

i'm not a kid, although i do appear youthful. still...the kid thing was the final nail in his coffin.

sorry, sir, no can do.

*shuts patio door

i like to think i did this building a favor. you all have your heads! as far as i'm concerned - he was going to cut them off and dislplay them in some secret cave full of...heads.

i'm a hero.

and you're welcome.

and i'm not a kid.
damn those music companies for ripping music off youtube! yes i know there's legalities and monies involved but GD how else are peeps going to hear the music??

plus it makes my blog look like a graveyard.

herrumph.

fear not, here's a good cover. good job kelsey94231. i especially love the cat in the background which says a lot because i typically dislike cats.

both your cover and your kitty are cool with me.



love love love sia. not mad at david guetta.

therefore this is kind of sweet.

does the fact that i'm constantly cleaning my house mean that

i'm a dirty person?

or

that i'm a clean person?

i seriously am cleaning it...day in, day out.

and not in a mark summers way where i'm straigtening the fringe on area rugs, but rather vacumming dog hair, doing laundry, scrubbing the tub, sweeping leaves on the patio, unloading/reloading the dishwasher, and my stainless steel refridgerator is ALWAYS lookin a mess with streaks.

is this what adult life is all about?

now i know why my mother dreads company.

god save the queen.

and by queen i mean i, the king of this castle.

8.22.2011

love the simplicity of this.

8.18.2011

there is a slim-to-none chance that michele bachmann will become our president in the year 2012...or any year thereafter for that matter.

BUT, since this sharp-tongued bigot has walked into the electoral lion's den as a candidate and potential leader of our nation, i see no problem in taking 5 seconds to send her a simple message concerning the absurdity in her candidacy.

a message that would put anyone in their place.

"One Million Strong Against Michele Bachmann"

it just makes sense.

let's make it 10 million.

see you on the book!



summer in the chi.

buster in the chi.

lovin that chi.

8.17.2011

calvin harris is having a great year in music.

feel so close.

8.15.2011

*warning* watching the vid may cause you to have a stroke. i feel funny. just fyi - minimize this screen or read my other blog posts while listening to this fun remix of an already great song.

8.08.2011

this is beautiful and well said.

no one should ever make anyone feel "less than."

why would you?

how could you?

if you've ever belittled or berated someone, please just stop.

this world needs less negativity - let it start with you.

and

this world will get better. but only if you're proactive.

maybe it's the fact that i'm soon turning 30

but lately i've been feeling entirely inadequate.





8.04.2011

love. love. love.

i decided today that i'm going to make a list of things i want to do before i'm 30.

and do them.

that means i have less than a year to rock my world.

the first thing i want to do is get the nerve to cancel my cable - it's pointless.

1) i barely watch cable tv. everything i do watch is on a free network.
2) similar to point 1, cable shows suck and i have no interest. i had a limited interest in the real housewives but i'm burned out on that. it's all sooo painfully mind-numbing and unoriginal.
3) i love books and support them. i do not support kindles or any other electronic book things. they're gross, in my opinion. geez.

at the same time, i'm going to stop buying random things for my house and, instead, start investing in books. SO, by the time i'm 30, i want to have a library in my house of great books i've read and have yet to read.

i also want to go into this creepy ass bookstore and buy a bunch of books on the cheap, read them, and see if they merited said cheapness.

a book doesn't have to be a NYT bestseller on a shiny table inside of borders in order to be deemed a quality read.

but...back to the whole cable cancelling idear...that will be the major challenge.

wish me luck.

8.02.2011

that noise i'm obsessed with is back again.

in a slightly different way.

thanks to sirius xm channel BPM, this little gem of a song comes on my computer and starts a living room trance party:



that noise...so weird, but I LOVE it. this one is less weedwhackerish and more like being on the phone and pressing buttons / talking to a monster on the other end.

still such unique noises!

it's the sound of 2011!
so if we're friends on facebook or perhaps you follow me on twitter you may have read that, yesterday evening, an incident occured in my home involving some sort of alien/frog species that has yet to be identified.

there seems to be a lot of confusion as to what happened, so let me break it down for you:

i have a patio outside of my condo that houses several of my dear, lovely plants - i have sweet potato vines galore, my trusty and ginormous aloe vera plant named anderson cooper, a plant that used to sprout yellow flowers until they all dried up and fell off thus now resembling an herb of some sort, a plant that i'm not sure of its species, regardless i refer to as elephant man, a salvia plant rightfully named miley, and a mixed bag of nuts planter that contains god knows what but is hearty and alive, so i keep it around.

wow that was a lot.

at any rate, for the past month its been as hot as all get-up in chicago, so watering is an every-other-day necessity for my green babies. i keep a watering can outside under my grill, so i brought it in the house to fill up with water via the kitchen sink. so i stick the watering can under the faucet and wait for the nearly 4 minutes it takes to fill that bad boy up with wawa.

so, i'm standing there, watching the water pour into the can, thinking to myself about several ants i noticed to be feasting on my sweet potato vine. i'm writing myself a mental note to later google how to rid my poor plant of these pests when, all of a sudden, this thing emerges from my watering can.

*note, it did not emerge from my sink faucet. it emerged from the hole on top of the watering can that's used for filling it up.*

it all happened so fast i can barely put into words the thoughts and reactions that occurred at this time. all i remember is this:

alien life form.

it's an alien.

there's an alien.

omg. alien.


i sincerely thought that what was happening was alien-related. from the way the alien frog did a spiderman-like crawl from the small opening to the top of the can, it practically defied physics...and gravity for that matter...it left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had no idea what was happening! it came out of nowhere!

then my eyes, as big as saucers, locked on it. and it was hideous.

my first instinct was to bellar out a blood-curdling scream. check.
second, my body froze in fear. i liken it to when your body prepares for sudden impact or death or whatever...my body just froze in fear. i felt like a statue. my body had braced for the worst. it's as if i somehow knew that this alien was about to attack.

and it did just that.

the alien frog was sitting on top of my watering can for a mere second then leaped directly toward me. mind you, i can barely move or even blink but recognizing this alien frog meant business i violently jerked backwards and, again, screamed. in the midst of screaming, i lost track of the alien frog and had no idea where it was or what it was doing - did it somehow attach itself to me, was it climbing up me, was it even on me - i have no idea. so i immediately jerked backwards again, hitting the refridgerator, all the while thrashing and short-kicking around as if the two of us were in a huge ass brawl or, perhaps, auditioning to be a new york rockette.

while thrashing and kicking, i simultaneously ran down my hallway. i needed to remove myself from the immediate situation. i then got my bearings, checked my body for alien life, and took a breath since i'm pretty sure i hadn't breathed since laying eyes on the alien frog. i grabbed my camera - i'd need proof for later.

the alien frog was nowhere in sight so i cautiously and begrudgingly crept back into the kitchen to assess the unfolding situation.

and there it was...defying physics once again by clinging vertically onto the side of my stainless steel trash can.

*note* i grew up in the rolling cornfields of illinois. i am, true-and-true, a country boy. for god's sake a cat gave birth to a litter of kittens in my bed...while i was sleeping in it. point being, i have seen frogs before, i've held frogs before, i know what frogs look like and what they're capable of. never in my 29 years have i ever seen this kind of "frog" especially one that can stick to the side of something. frogs jump around but they do not scale trash cans, as far as i'm concerned.*

back to the story - i screamed again, a brief, emphatic scream, as just the mere sight of the thing startled me. it was lime green, it had three, pod-ish toes on each leg, it had red eyes.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?!?!?!

i took a picture. exhibit a if no one believed me.

one thing was clear - i assumed it poisonous and unpredictable. also, i need it out of my house before it attacked me or, even worse, my sweet buster bust. bright idea out of nowhere - i crept to the cupboard and took out my prized, red colander.

*i treasure this colander because 1) my mom gave it to me as a gift 2) it was red - fun, and 3) it was sturdy. i like sturdy things.

at any rate, i needed it to trap the lil sucker in order to both increase security and allow time to plot my next, strategic move.

all the while, the alien frog plotted his own move - by the time i had the colander in hand and had crept to the trash can...it was gone.

my heart stopped.

thank god it hadn't gotten too far. it had scaled the trash can all the way to the lid, then suctioned itself onto the side of my cabinet. i slowly, then quickly placed the oversized colander over the alien frog.

he didn't like that.

he jumped and thrashed. i semi-dry-heaved every time i felt his body slam against the colander. in a moment of panic, i swear i felt one of the frog's pod-like toes touch my skin through the holes of the colander causing me to nearly drop everything and abandon ship.

however, the scales of rationality quickly evened, forcing me to persist and not let go of the colander since, obviously, dropping it would free the alien frog once again. i then carefully slid the colander down the side of the cabinet and, in one swift movement, collapsed the colander tightly to the ground.

at this point i did not care if one of the frog's legs or hell, if his entire body was pinned during the collapse. sorry peta, at this point i was working off adrenaline, immense fear, and the need to survive.

after a quick visual inspection, i affirmed that he was safely and completely intact under the colander. i reached for a nearby book to set on top of the colander to negate any escape strategies the alien frog may have been considering. i of course wasn't taking any chances - i wasn't about to under-estimate his strength.

expecting the unexpected i frantically paced about the room. first, i needed to wash my hands, they were laced with poison, after all. while doing so, i kept hearing thumps coming from underneath the colander - no doubt about it, he was pissed. i needed to move quickly, so i went to the cabinet again and pulled out a small piece of tupperware. annoyed, i fumbled through the stockpile of lids and found a match.

*note to self - get lid/tupperware problem equalized and under control.*

i weighed the risk in attempting to unsecurify my secure area by, even for a second, removing the colander. i had to do it. i had to take the colander off and put the tupperware on top of him - my end thought being i needed this frog to be in the most supermax prison cell possible to which i could then securely remove him from my house.

it had to be done.

slowly and nervously, i took the book off the colander with one hand while holding it down with the other. i grabbed the tupperware and took a deep, possibly final breath.

in a swift and seamless magician-like motion, i removed the colander, located the alien frog, then slammed the tupperware over him. again, i did not factor in speed, accuracy, or pressure while placing the tupperware. fast and dirty, i thought to myself.

if something sick were to have happened, well, i'd have to endure it and proceed.

there are few options when dealing with an alien frog, i'd come to learn.

luckily, this operation went off without a hitch. the frog didn't move and was safely under the tupperware. i then slowly slid the lid underneath him. it was almost as if he was going along with this because he jumped and positioned himself exactly as i needed him to in order to not smush or scrape him with the lid. i then pressed the tupperware down onto the lid - the son of a bitch was contained.

without question - contained. all was safe.

the frog was then, almost immediately, taken to lake michigan and set free near a tree by the lakefront. i didn't know if it was a land-dwelling or water-dwelling alien frog...so i gave him both options. it was his move.

and i felt like the bigger person.

current day, i still visualize the alien frog everywhere. under everything. ready to pop out of every crevice. i can still see its red eyes and pod toes.

i am in pain, too. as i had mentioned earlier, my body froze in fear and braced for the worst. when i jerked backwards and thrashed about, i hurt my neck and back...there is an uncomfortable pinched nerve that bothers me to this very moment.

i don't care. the alien frog is gone and i better never see him again.

some people want to say that it was an innocent, harmless ATF (american tree frog?).

i beg to differ.

regardless, i battled. i conquered. and i live to tell this tale.

amen.

8.01.2011

if i hear one more word concerning the debt ceiling...i may jump off a building.

truth tho - it will, max, be a one story building because i greatly treasure my life and everything in it.

the demonstration would be for example purposes only.

regardless, everything will be OK. stop worrying.

if i've said it once, i've said it a hundred times - the only reason this is even an issue with the american people is because of the media. we love a deadline of doom and they know it. the last deadline headline i read was "if the government doesn't vote on a debt deal by tuesday, soldiers won't get paid!"

ahhhh! no. stop. of course they will get paid.

the media needs, no, no...requires...this kind of exploitative verbiage in order to support an endless array of liberal/conservative cable talk show chatterbugs - shows and chatterbugs which have no bearing on the politicians themselves. like they care. politicians just use them from time to time to get free press and marketing. it's nothing more than that. honestly, politicians do not care what the american people think of them. they never have, ever. how do you think this whole mess started? a typo? no, it's a lineage of corruption starting back way before you were born.

i mean, if you've read or watched any kind of media press...you've heard the politicians all say the same thing "the american people deserve this issue to be handled." "the american people want bi-partisan decisions." "the american people this." "the american people that."

obviously, if the politicians really knew or respected what "the american people" thought or cared about, 1) they would double up their bodyguard count and 2) america would be a much better place. a smarter place. an organized place. instead, as if this is news, politicians cater to their most important, influential, and deep-pocketed constituents that are the puppeteers to their decision-making.

it's not news.

it's how our government works. always has.

stop letting the sensationalism lead you into hysteria. you can't do anything about it. no one you will ever vote for will be any different from the rest.

don't get me wrong - good things will happen within our government and to its people. but also expect a lot of bullshit. the bullshit will never go away.

so, stop getting mad and more importantly stop watching tv. just go on with your normal life and be a smart, savvy citizen. live your life the best way you can and do not depend on the government to get you through it.

in this life, you can only depend on yourself to make the right decision.

so go do just that.