10.16.2006

Medication.

I really need medication. Before you jump to conclusions or suggestions, it's sleeping medication that I need. That I deserve. I feel like I haven't slept in days. Like no matter how much I try, something's in the way. Something's stopping me from having dreams. There's plenty of factors to blame. My roommate keeps odd hours. He's awake at the worst time. That 3 am til 5 am bracket. I wake up to hear whatever he Tivo'd. To hell with Tivo. It allows him to record everyhing and anything he wants so that he can watch it at a time when any normal person should be sleeping. I haven't been normal for months. I wake up to hear the foggy details of Lost, or I'm kept up to speed with every movement of the Amazing Race people. Someone give me a medal for biting my tongue. I deserve one, too. It's okay, I'll just not sleep through this hour. This night. This week.

Seriously, go to bed. I have to be awake during the daylight hours and for what seems like my entire existance here, I've been awake during the night ones, too.

Buster is also cramping my style. I really need to remedy our situation. He sleeps right next to me, no matter where I move to in the bed. Literally, right by my side, always touching my leg, my back, my arm, my hand, my finger, all in some facet. People move during normal sleep. If I move, well then that requires me to move Buster.

And that whole scene is 100% my fault. He's been sleeping with me since he was a pup, since the very first day I've had him. Every night. Every single night. It's a great feeling to have his cute little face to wake up to, but seriously, it's ruining something, too. It's my fault, though. I still love him like no other.

SO sleep deprived. I sleep in silence. No TV in the room. No music. No fan. No nothing.

The windows of my bedroom keep the cold air out, but let every noise outside IN. I swear, it's as if I can hear the worms crawling through the mud down below. And this is from three stories up. I never noticed how many firetrucks, police cars, and ambulances are strolling down this God forsaken street at every God forsaken hour. Seriously people, could you drive yourself to the hospital or buy a fire extinguisher? I really need my sleep. Let's not jump to extremes right away.

I remember when I looked at the clock. Last night it was 3:28, 3:47, 4:52, 5:01, and 6:51. And oh, 6:51 was the absolute worst being that my alarm clock goes off at 6:53. Two minutes, are you fucking kidding me? I shut my eyes so tight thinking that two minutes could give me everything I need and that I'll be able to get up better if I just sleep for these two long minutes.

The alarm goes off, and all I can think about is how much I just want for the world to freeze for a minute. For the traffic to stop. For the loitering drunks to pass out. For the television in the living room to not work. For my roommate to go to bed. For Buster to sleep on the floor. For my eyes not to open. And for my brain not to stir.

Something has to change.

10.13.2006

Sometimes I seriously think that I could spend ALL DAY on YouTube. It's so brilliant, $1.65 billion seems a little cheap to be the selling price. Way undersold.

I seriously just watched 3 hours worth of videos about funny cats.

Oh, life.

10.12.2006

Okay, so now that all of that drama is over, I can begin writing normally again. Well, semi-normal. For some odd reason I can't remember what it was that I wanted to blog about, but trust me, you would have loved it. It had something to do with Disney movies...no wait, it didn't have anything to do with Disney movies, but it was similar in some way...

Hmm. I'm sitting here thinking, hold on. This blog is kind of in real-time, as they say. Umm.

Oh yes.

Romantic Comedies, let's discuss.

So, for any of you whom actually know me, you'll know that I'm a die-hard romantic comedy fan. Perhaps borderline romance/chick flick fan. I'm going to list some of my favorite ones, in no particular order because I'm not that obsessed to the point that I created an order:

1. Under the Tuscan Sun
2. Never Been Kissed
3. The Notebook
4. 50 First Dates
5. Can't Buy Me Love
6. Love, Actually
7. You've Got Mail
8. Short Circuit (I'll explain this later)
9. The Wedding Singer
10. My Best Friend's Wedding

Okay, so, I'll be honest and let you all know that I haven't seen all of these movies in their "entirety" due to the fact that I fall asleep during movies VERY easily, regardless of their entertainment value. And let's not forget the fact that I have the reputation for imaginatively placing myself in the role of the heartbroken, victimized, and looking-for-love single person in every movie, which is usually the lead character. So, with that, it's easy to say that I sometimes get distracted during the movie.

Anyway, Under the Tuscan Sun is one of those movies I haven't seen all the way through, but from what I did see, I LOVED it. First of all it takes place in Europe, so automatically the romance-meter already goes up quite a few degrees. Secondly, all of the people in the movie are fantastic looking, so it's really hard to not get caught up in this flick. I have the feeling I'll be at Blockbuster very soon searching for a "previously viewed" copy to buy. Hmm, desperate? Maybe.

Never Been Kissed...not the story of my life, thank God, but still something I can relate to. I don't know that I've kissed the love of my life yet either, but have definitely kissed a person here and there.

The Notebook. This movie will basically just make you feel that no matter what relationship you've been in, none of them could remotely compare to the relationship that Noah and Allie had. The emotion between the two of them was so THICK, it was great and bad all at the same time. Great to see that kind of passion, but bad because I haven't experienced anything even remotely like it. Some day...

50 First Dates gets my vote for one reason: dedication. Adam Sandler's character was so dedicated to Drew, that regardless of some very discouraging circumstances, he pursued what he was after until the end. That's very noteworthy in my book. Unless I'm uninterested, then you need to know when to call it a day.

I don't really know how Can't Buy Me Love got put on this list. What was I thinking? I can't even really think of anything to say about this movie. I really should have replaced this slot with Must Love Dogs.

Now, for Love, Actually. This movie is fantastic. It's funny and it also makes you want to step out your front door and find someone British to love and have marry you. If you're not up for loving Brits, don't watch the movie. Plus it ties in a Christmas feeling, which is one of my most favorite feelings, so it really does a number on the insides.

You've Got Mail is great, but primarily because it takes place in a book store and book stores are HOT.

Now Short Circuit will make you fall in love with a robot. That's why it's so great. I never really feel sympathetic and emotional towards robots, but this time is different. And I guess I also sympathize because I've met a few robots in my day.

I can't tell you how excited I get when The Wedding Singer is played on TBS or some other shitty cable station. And let's keep in mind the fact that I own the DVD, but for some reason the TV version is so much more appealing. And I also wouldn't mind if a string quartette played "Don't Stop Believing" at my wedding. Assuming I get married. Even if I don't get married I'm still going to fulfill my dream of having 10 children.

And last but not least is My Best Friend's Wedding, which I can't really decide if I like this movie for its content, or just for the opener where Ani DiFranco sings Wishing and Hoping and a bride and her bridesmaids dance around to it. I really relate to that song though because it's really all that I ever do these days.

I am such a victim.

10.04.2006

...and then I hear a whisper, that this too shall pass.

10.01.2006

I learned something.

I learned that I lose and/or have lost everything; my keys, my phone, my sanity, my faith in people. Never ask me to hold onto something. Never assume that I have everything when I leave the door, or a cab for that matter. Me? Leave the keys that unlock the most important possessions I own in a cab? Never...oh, whoops, I did actually. But more importantly, after the first loss I continued to lose. And lose and lose and lose. Possessions, feelings, hope, trust, respect...

I learned that no one will take care of you, except yourself. No one cares that you're stranded, that you're ridden with worry and helplessness, that you're alone, that you need somebody...ANYBODY. No one cares about that. No one cared at all.

I learned that the lake made me feel small. Smaller than I had already felt. I felt so small that it made me wonder...if I had drowned myself in that big, beautiful lake, would anyone notice? Well, yeah...when I didn't show up for work and when my rent didn't get paid - somebody would have eventually caught on. I think.

I learned that people aren't always what they seem, no matter how much you hope and dream. It's funny to think that I talked about "rock bottom" only to realize this was my rock bottom. And those rocks were sharp...really sharp. The scars reveal everything. Thanks for calling. Thanks for caring. Thanks for giving a damn what happened to me that miserable day and the day after. That was real sweet of you. You shouldn't have! Oh wait, you didn't.

I learned that it's possible to walk for miles and miles and never realize that your feet are blistered and that your leg muscles quit 3 miles back. I walked so fast, and so much, I'm just now realizing what I did and how amazing it is that I did it. No one will understand this concept because I experienced this on my own, alone. The seagulls will understand though. I hope they're reading.

I learned that your heart is often wrong. Follow your heart, the saying always goes. Really? No, don't do that. Your heart doesn't have its own brain. Follow the brain in your head. I didn't follow my brain this ENTIRE weekend. I followed my heart--it too let me down and now feels slightly heavy.

I learned how special home really is. Home is where I should of been. Would I change anything about leaving home and going there to go through all that? YES. Perhaps, all of it. All regret. I'm man enough to admit that I regret my decisions. I didn't grow from this. I made a mistake. Actually, I made mistakes. But I learned from them.

I learned a lot this weekend. And I'm happy that I'm home, safe and sound. No one knows that though, but me. No one asked.

I'm down, I'm battered, I'm sore, I'm tired, and I'm broke...but I'm home. Thanks for nothing.