4.30.2010

tell me now baby is he good to you?
can he do to you the things that i do?
i can take you higher.
i'm on fire.

sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
through the middle of my soul.

at night i wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through the
middle of my head.
only you
can cool my desire
i'm on fire.

4.29.2010

two things:

1) i think the whole "om nom nom nom" thing has been done. played out. kinda old snooze. can't wait for the next big thing.

2) i'm not sure if it's because i work from home now, or perhaps my craziness has gone to another level, but, for some strange reason...whenever i'm out in public...i have to constantly look down to see if i'm wearing pants.

it's like i don't trust myself that i fully dressed myself before leaving. even when i'm wearing jeans, i have this unwarranted fear/mild panic attack that i'm only in my underwear. and what's weirder is the fact that i don't walk around in my underwear all day when at home. almost never, that is. but i certainly don't do it enough to explain my constant need to verify proper attire when in public. i just don't get it.

chalking it up to craziness. i'm not perfect.

4.28.2010

new nanner yall! this playlist has some amazing songs you'll be bopping to all summer long. the first one, shooting superstars, is a mashup of some random eminem song and the bag raiders' shooting superstars. amazing.

also crazy about the reinterpretation of the "i'm on fire" by bruce springstein. love the chill vibe of the redo. perfect time to get a glass of lemonade then sit back in the sun. sunscreen fully applied, of course. look for the whole thing somewhere on the internet.

i'm really bummed this other stellar mash up between ke$ha and owl city wasn't available. research it on your own and give it a listen.

you can thank me later.

happy soon-to-be summer.

love sumner
had an amazing birthday. thank you all for the well wishes. and thanks to jfest for all of the bday surprises...even though i hate surprises! they were all great and very applicable to the needs of my L.I.F.E!

HEY 28!

4.27.2010

i'd like to take a moment and thank my wonderful and beautiful mother for giving birth to me 28 years ago to the day! thanks mom! saved the best for last, right?!?!

4.26.2010

used to be obsessed with this movie. it was so pretty in its time. i'd like to see it on blue ray. perhaps i should first own a blue ray player.



incredible photo. a landslide in taiwan. i don't think i even realized "landslides" were an actual thing. mudslides? sure. slip-n-slides? definitely.

and now, landslides.

i guess i've heard the song landslide...but never related it to a natural disaster...which i'm sure was the point/meaning of the song.

god i'm stupid.

4.25.2010

last night i fell down stairs. in public. at a bar. it was not my finest moment.

i'm still embarrassed.

the funny thing was that the fall wasn't due to drinking...even though i did have a drink in hand when said fall happened. okay maybe it had something to do with the fact that i was drinking...but it wasn't like i was DRUNK and acting stupid. i was perfectly fine until the incident occurred.

i just didn't see the steps. i was walking out of the bar, going about my business, and at some point the floor decided to descend via two steps down. i was entirely unaware and fell completely on my face and everywhere else. and it wasn't like one of those "he's down, and he's back up." i was down. when i replay it in my head its reminds me of a cartoon where the character runs off a cliff but doesn't realize the ground is missing and is just kind of like walking on air. that's what i had to have looked like because i was walking at a good pace when those two steps came out of nowhere. and boom. bitch went down.

anyway, so embarrassing.

dammit.

4.24.2010

been away for awhile. sorry bout it!

not really.

moving has proven itself to be an immense challenge. mostly because of timing. they say timing is everything and GOD is it ever. my timing sucks, in general. don't get me wrong, i'm almost always on time...i just can never plan anything in advance where multiple things need to happen either simultaneously, in a row, or in some general span of relative time. no matter how much i plan in advance things always gets effed up. the timing is always wrong.

for example: the first week of living in the new place i haven't had anywhere to sit. why you ask? well, because the timing for moving in and my furniture being delivered were, of course, waaaay off. i sold my old furniture forever ago because i expected to close on my condo last month. well i closed a week ago so i've been without furniture for like 3 months now. i'm hoping by next week i'll have a cool ass sofa. but you never know. in the meantime i've been standing at all times. standing when i check my email. standing when i pay my bills. standing when i stare out the window. standing when i take my crazy pills. standing standing standing.

yesterday i did the unthinkable - i purchased barstools off craigslist. mhm. i typically loathe all things craigslist-related, but i actually really enjoy the barstools and they were at a killer price. speaking of killer - inevitable of all craigslist purchases - i had to endure an awkward exchange between myself and the barstool seller...i even had to ride in a creepy elevator with him, enter his creepy studio apartment, look at his creepy not-for-sale furniture, and stand around while he "cleaned off" the barstools/plotted my murder.

i guess he was nice enough, though. i'm just overdramatic.

but you already knew that.

so this morning i woke up, surprisingly without a hangover, and had a hankering for subway. weird, but doable. so i walked to subway and ordered a sandwich. (um, newsflash: subway is surprisingly expensive for the shit that it is.) anyway, i'm in line, politely barking off toppings, and while doing so this mom and little girl get in line behind me.

now, maybe i'm just fresh off this email high my sister recently sent me - an email comedically explaining the differences between us 30 yr olds (ish, i'm not even 28 yet) and tweens. the email was decently funny in interpreting how different the world is now versus when we were kids. well this subway mom and daughter proved the content of the email to a T.

my fave part of the email was this line: "Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!"

funny and true.

the way kids talk to their parents? ummm never in my household.

back to subway, so i was eavesdropping on what they were going to order. the mom asks her daughter "ok, lily, tell the lady what kind of sandwich you want. that little brat sat there and read every sandwich on the menu, her mother idly standing by as the kid read line by line. i had already paid and sat down by the time the girl finished reading off the entire menu and prices. what, was she treating her mom to lunch? doubt it. anyway, i picked a table near the counter so i could continue my eavesdropping. so, the mom gets annoyed, bends over, and speaks in the girl's ear: now lily do you want a turkey sandwich? or ham? they have ham you know. you like ham. or you can get tuna, you like tuna too. do you want turkey, ham, or tuna? choose one. lily choose one.

finally, lily pipes up: i want a pizza sub!

um, i didn't even know pizza subs were an actual sandwich? whatever. so then the sandwich artist makes the unfortunate mistake of asking lily what kind of bread she wanted.

GOOD LORD.

what's herb & cheese? i don't like wheat. mom can i get french bread? can i get a footlong?

the mom goes: lily you can have whatever you want. she then hoists lily up so she can see all of the toppings she can get on her pizza sub (i was really tempted to stand up and peak through the glass sneezeguard to see what was on the pizza sub. is it like salami and cheese? i still don't get it.) the mom then names each topping lily can choose from. do you want lettuce? if you don't want lettuce then maybe you should have spinach. what kind of cheese do you want? pepperjack is spicy, you don't want spicy do you? you can have tomatoes, cucumbers, blah blah BLAH.

OMG. was lily some kind of princess or QUEEN or something else royal? why is she given so many options? why is this mother acting like kids have any idea of what they want? doesn't subway have a no-hassle sandwich that's solely for kids...comes on a kid-sized piece of bread and takes like 5 seconds to make? does lily have a gun in her pocket that only her mom knows about? what is going on? had subway existed back when i was a kid, my mom would have ordered for me, without any consultation. i wouldn't have options. i wouldn't have someone present me with a bread preference. a menu would not be necessary for me.

even at the dinner table, unless it was my birthday, no one asked me what i did and did not like. if i didn't like what was being cooked for dinner, my dad would, without flinching, use the line: then you're not hungry.

yes, if i didn't like what was being cooked for dinner, i wasn't hungry. that's how i was raised. his point being that, if i wanted to have food in my stomach, food that they worked and paid for - i was going to eat whatever was put in front of my face. end of story.

no choices. no bread variety. no toppings. no menu.

don't even ask me what later happened at the soda fountain machine: lily do you want white pop or brown pop? or you could have fruit punch. which do you want lily? brown pop? do you want root beer or coke?

LILY YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE MONSTER YOU WILL BECOME.

4.19.2010

so, you know how everyone was obsessed with the whole facebook celebrity doppelganger phenomenon a couple months back?

well, someone i sort-of-know-enough-to-be-facebook-friends-with just now, apparently, got the memo about it and recently posted their supposed doppelganger.

...i tried really hard not to make a big deal out of this, and probably shouldn't since the person in question and i have quite a few mutual friends, but the more i see this comparison the more i LAUGH/DIE inside.

so this real life person, who will forever go unnamed, has a) posted their celebrity doppelganger as their profile pic, b) is weirdly proud of it, and c) somehow sees nothing wrong with it. literally, it's as if the real life person was like, "wow! i look just like that. that's SO cool! i can't post this quick enough!!!"

and, i know i've been known to sensationalize every story i've ever written about, but this is real. and it's almost too good to be true. but it is true and that's what makes life enjoyable.

i will also admit that there is a definite resemblance of the real life person and the celebrity. and that's exactly the problem/what's funny. the often good looking celebrity and this real life guy could actually be mistaken for one another.

BUT.

...and i'm capitalizing and bolding but because it's a big BUT: the picture used of the celebrity is probably the absolute worst picture i have ever, ever, EVER seen of that celebrity.

and i'm talking bad. like rotfl kind of bad and i almost never speak in teenage acronyms unless it's absolutely applicable.

this was so applicable.

to set the tone of how crazy it is - i wouldn't have even guessed it was said celebrity until i literally read the caption. the celebrity looked about 15 lbs overweight, frumpy, all-around dumpy, his outfit was extra unflattering, he had gross facial hair, and, as an entire package, was completely not cute what.so.ever.

so, if you're the real life person using this specific pic as your celebrity doppelganger profile pic...

yikes. not a good day.

sorry bout it! if i were you, i'd take that profile pic down IMMEDIATELY, and then take a step back from the ledge!

4.15.2010

operation: move day has begun. i closed today and am officially the homeowner of my condo! papers were signed, checks were written (ah!), and the keys are in my hands. time to migrate my belongings to their new home and come saturday evening, my parents and i will be sittin back, drinking a marg, and cheersing to a whole new life.

yay me.

4.14.2010

everyone should go to this...myspace page...and vote for miranda's glee audition!

(i've never seen glee and have no desire to but i support MSings in whatever she does.)


Glee monologue

Glee | MySpace Video
if you're like me (which you should be) you wish that jennifer lopez would quit all of her lofty, underperforming day jobs and instead stick to mothering her surely bratty twins and devoting time and patience toward supporting the similarly underachieved career of her latino pet skeleton. lopez is absolutely void of any noticeable talent and public likeability, and quite frankly, would not be missed should she ever decide to leave it all behind her.

but, like many other d-list celebrities, she somehow managed to land a starring role in some oh-so typical, seen-it-a-million-times-before romantic comedy, coming to a theater near you.

run the other way!

what's funny is not how retarded the movie looks, but rather the PR machine behind it. some publicity mastermind has decided that, in order to get paying butts in the seats, they have to somehow make the movie look appealing. because, critically, it just isn't - common sense tells you that much from the mere mention of jlo's name. so, to turn a negative into a positive, what these clever little devils conjured up is nothing short of pure ticket sales revenue geniusness.

i tippa the hat.

in the back-up plan trailer, you will notice two unmistakable moneymakers:

1) the leading, hunky male lead is shirtless in nearly every frame of the trailer. tweens, teens, catholic school girls, soccer moms, stay-at-home-moms (who are totally horned up by the mere sight of all the flesh/sex they've surely been without since giving birth to madison, emma, and connor), and average-looking 20-30 yr olds who haven't been on a date in the last 6 months are without-a-doubt going to storm this movie by the migratory FLOCK to get a glimpse of this no-name yet oily, chiseled lead male actor. no one knows who he actually is but who cares about names when mama wants to count ab muscles!

and

2) i don't care how bad a show, product, or media message is - if you can somehow produce a trailer or video montage or even a soundbyte using ke$ha's megahit tik tok as the background music...you're sure to have an instaHIT blockbuster on your hands and hundred dollar bills in your pocket. regardless of how trashy and talentless ke$ha may be, that song, in some truly unique and magical way, appeals to everyone's deep down jam factor. you cannot tell me that tik tok does not make you want to get up and do some serious dancing. i personally love it. it just makes life more fun and silly. every time i hear it i'm either dancing my face off or, in my head, choreographing how a flash mob would interpret it on the streets of chicago. de-licious. if tik tok is involved - i'll watch that obnoxious minute to win it show nbc is forcing down our throats, i'll drink jack daniels, i'll buy clocks, hell, i'll even eat my words and spring for two tickets to the back-up plan.

(yes, i'd obviously bring a date - i'm not so pathetic that i'd see it alone.)

anyway, that's all you need. lonely hearts feasting on creatine-induced muscle and tik tok on the clock = recipe for success.

however, my raven symone prediction is as follows:
jlo will be a horrendous actress and further sink into oblivion (fingers crossed),
the plot will be a carbon copy of everything you've ever seen in your life,
the dog in the wheelchair/cart thing will be the only funny/cute component of the entire movie (which is also a cliched approach),
you will predict the anticlimatic ending 5 minutes into the movie, and
you will walk out of the theater having wasted precious hours of your life and eleven dollars of your hard earned money that could have gone toward purchasing jack daniels-flavored toothpaste.

shame on you. and don't say i didn't warn you.

4.13.2010

new jessica and hunter!

um this place is disgustoid.
this bitch has a running tab at planned parenthood.
um okkk chazz bono.
you have a hot date for masturbating on chatroulette.


i got new big boy shoes...

things to consider when buying your first home:

earnest money,
3.5% down payment,
closing costs,
origination fees,
attorney fees,
home inspection fees,
appraisal fees,
tax transfer fees,
the loan principle,
mortgage insurance,
homeowners insurance,
building insurance,
property taxes,
monthly assessments,
utilities not included in monthly assessments,
and then all the money needed to actually do something to the place.

ahhhh, the cost of home ownership. it's a blessing in financial disguise.

4.12.2010

yes, i do take lessons from myself.

a constant source of entertainment/disheartenment (it's not a word, it just works for what i'm trying to say) comes from reading any type of "comment" feature. whether it be youtube, cnn, amazon...anything really, if this nation's citizens are allowed to voice their opinion, especially in an anonymous, online environment, they certainly will.

freedom of speech, yes, i get it, but if you ever take the time to read what people write on any of these comment free-for-all forums...it's usually entertaining but more often truly horrifying. these "people" write the most vile, hate-filled, judgemental, and all around abusive slander, pick cyber-fights with other anonymous people, and then spend hours and hours providing hateful rebuttals to their original hateful statement. it's INSANITY. any of you with an online presence know exactly what i'm talking about. it's everywhere. and it's so tooth and nail it's often quite scary, even though it's via the www. plus, there is rarely any censor. there's typically never any type of 3rd party monitoring (not that it would deter anyone).

so bizarre. to me, it's a kind of speech that is exclusively reserved for cults/psychopaths (i.e. the kkk, the fred phelps clan, glenn beck, etc.). for example, i was watching a youtube video where these two cute kittens are play fighting and then this other kitten shows up and pukes up milk. kinda funny, kinda weird...but i scrolled down to read the comments to this video and stumbled upon an all out war between several people...all disputing RELIGION. (!?) i didn't take the time to link back pages upon pages worth of nasty comments and "viewpoints" to see how and why the whole thing started but WOAH. it was ugly and most certainly out of place for the video at hand.

another thing i noticed is that, in general, if people are going to comment on something, it's often the holy-rollers doing the commenting/abusing. i don't care what the subject matter is but, 9 times out of 10, a comment with a bible verse can almost always be found.

weird, isn't it? why is it that our christian brothers and sisters are some of the meanest, most disrespectful and judgemental people on this planet? justin timberlake once said, where is the love?! have we no compassion anymore? tolerance? acceptance of that which is different?!

i thought jesus didn't judge? maybe he doesn't...maybe jesus hired his earthly minions to do his judging for him? who said unemployment was a problem in this country, JC is employing haters by the immortal handful!

4.08.2010


just in case you forgot, yes, this is what goes on in canada...and it started today. canada is disgusting. this would never fly in the US.
new miranda. jellz of all my cali friends that can see her whilst in hollywood. i wish she would come to chitown.

here are two things that really confused me today:

one important piece of news media that will never cease to find airtime and public buzz is any reporting of anything sorta, kinda, i-guess-i-can-see-it-if-i-blur-my-vision-and-go-completely-crosseyed resembling an image of jesus christ. i feel like on a near monthly basis i read some kind of news heading about a random object boasting an eerie resemblance of the big guy upstairs. he's all over the place apparently - he's been seen in the clouds, on flower petals, tree limbs, food particles, foliage, weirdly shaped vegetables, smoke signals, window reflections, animal hides, melted candy, mud puddles, paint splatterings, deformations of any sort, you name it he's been on it. today - he's on a tie-dye shirt. and let me tell you - this one is a stretch. in the immortal words of miss swan: it looka like a man. jesus? you be the judge.

the second confusion isn't anything new to me as i've heard about it several times now but never really thought about it too much. until last night. wednesday night is my "tv night" in which all of my fave shows come on in a row (modern family, the middle, modern family again, cougar town, then ugly betty). so, literally, i sit on my bed and refuse to do anything except watch the tube for a solid 3 hours. in this 3 hour time span, the same, stupid pizza hut commercial kept coming on. now, to keep it real, i haven't met a pizza i didn't like, but this commercial is so, so stupid that it makes me mildly annoyed with pizza hut (although i'm still annoyed with pizza hut whenever i see one of those half-n-half "express" restaraunts...like half pizza hut half long john silver. it just ruins any and all appeal because, obviously, they don't give a shit about what they're making, as long as it's fast, and you don't give a shit what you're eating...as long as it's fast). anyway, here's their current, stupid marketing campaign:

you can buy any pizza, any size, with unlimited toppings for only $10 each! ok, at first glance, one might think hey, that's a good deal! well hell yeah it's a good deal. duh. personally, i'll eat cheap pizza until the sun comes up...but wtf is up with the "any size" inclusion? and it's like the main pitch of the commercial. you can get any size pizza for just $10!! ahhhhhhhhhh! call them NOWWWW!!!!

wait, what?

why is that even a selling point? does that make sense to you? me neither. perhaps pizza hut is betting on america's village idiots to get confused and somehow not order a large? as if some lamebrain is gonna call and be like, oh, little ol me? eat an entire large pizza for just $10?? no, no, i couldn't! i'll take a personal pan pizza for $10 and i want pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, canadian bacon, bbq chicken, red onion, green olives, pineapple, jalapenos, banana peppers, anchovies, avocado, sprouts, basil, zucchini, red pepper, extra cheese, and extra sauce. k thanks bye!

ummm, hello, if someone can order any size pizza for the same price they're OF COURSE going to order the most for their buck. am i the only rational person here? aren't we all going to stretch our buck as far as it can go? is that not an assumed mentality across our recession-stricken country? would anyone willingly ask for less, considering you can have more, all for the same price?

WHAT???

obviously, pizza hut, you need to rep the fact that you can have unlimited toppings, any type of crust, any specialty pizzas...all of which is a great deal for $10...but, uh, you can probably leave out the size option. pardon me for speaking on behalf of pizza-loving, cash-strapped americans everywhere but, it's pretty much assumed that everyone is going to order a large pizza for $10 unless the person is a complete idiot/selfish son of a bitch. i.e. if a large pizza is too much for you to eat and you fear that ordering the most you can get for $10 would be wasteful, do what we do in my family and have something called leftovers. perhaps freeze it. take it to work - office workers love free food. or, as your very last option, go outside and take a look around -- i'm sure you could find a homeless person, a stray dog, or perhaps myself who will gladly eat your leftovers without question or judgement.

if i were calling? jigga please. do you make size enormous? i'll take one of those for $10. thanks!

4.07.2010

i laughed so hard when i saw this. how can you not? how can you not laugh at some genius' complete absurdity and irresponsibility? you can't look at this and take it seriously. you can't eat it and not feel like a total piece of shit.

and you should feel that way. this kind of eating is not normal. anyone who orders it should feel ashamed and gluttonous.

this is even worse than the monster burger from hardees. far worse.

ob-noxious.

4.06.2010

electric city on the sea - by ryansumner

sooo proud of my lil parker james! just fyi i was the one who encouraged him to take his first couple of steps...and now look at him.

hey yall. remember awhile ago when i got all up in a huff about a cnn article written by lz granderson...eventually leading up to a twitter war where we went back and forth exchanging opinions and rants? oof, that was interesting. at least, at the end of the day/war, we both learned something from one another and came to a respectful "agree to disagree" standpoint. though, to be honest, i can't even remember what my real issue was or where my disagreement lied, but in my foggiest recollection i remember him stereotyping the differences between races and sexual orientations, or something to that effect. without going through my archives (and i won't because i'm lazy like that...it is only tuesday after all) i won't be able to recall the exact beef.

at any rate, lz has written yet another article for cnn, however this one i am 100% behind. it's smart, it's accurate, and it's fair. good job lz, thank you for articulating a much needed stance on the ridiculousness of the majority, haters, ignorant, etc. cnn and the rest of news media need to give bigger spotlights to the remaining inequalities that our nation still faces. no one is free if others remain oppressed.

read lz's article here.