this song shuffled onto my surround sound and i instantly felt saucy.

ryansumner

the store

what do you think?

chicago location
male boutique
upscale/trendy

clothes
outerwear
footwear
accessories - watches, sunglasses, caps, wallets
hygiene - skin care, cologne, product
select line of furniture
select line of decor
local artwork

would you stop in?

on my style radar:


simple, sophisticated, slightly modern without overdoing it, adds variety to typical seating, perhaps a tad fun but the leather fabric makes it seem more serious.


oozing style and masculinity in one, sweet ooze, classic barcelona but the cigar leather gives it a bit of character over the mundane, standard black leather fabric more often seen.


has a hipster edge without coming across as cheap or smelly. not sold on the brass casters but they're supposedly antique. not even sure why they're there? no sense in questioning it, i guess, as one can never put a hipster in a box.

i love my momma:


Hi Ry - I made it back to Galva, safe and sound. It was kind of an abrupt ending to our day, but all's well that ends well. Lessons learned - whew! I'm so glad I was able to come up and spend the day with you and truly enjoyed our time together --although it just went by waaaaay toooooo fast! Having lunch at the Greek restaurant was awesome - I was still full when I got home at 9:00. Dad had gone out to the parking lot after he got done plowing snow at 3:00 p.m. and he scraped all the ice off my windshield so that I didn't have to do that like everyone else. Such a thoughtful man, making sure I could get home as fast as possible without any grief. Anyway, I'm shipping you a Christmas tree tomorrow, so you'll have it by next weekend. It's just the size/shape you need for the window area and it's only $20! So if you go out today, pick up some ornaments and be ready to decorate! And I would still get some fresh boughs or garland for the mantle to get that pine scent. Thanks for everything Ry - I had a wonderful time and would do it again in a heartbeat. Look forward to spending some quiet time with you here before Christmas - before all the Kelly's come home. Let me know how the interview(s) go. Love you. Have a good week and give Buster some hugs from Grandma!

--Momma

people get such a boner about having this as their status:


airport ----> airport


why? i'll never figure it out.

is it similar to 'i'm on a boat.'

'i'm in an aiport.'

uh, cool.

have a safe flight.

??

why are people so outraged about the pat-downs/ups at the airport?

it's for security, not jollies i.e. get over yourself.

you're in a flying piece of metal, thousands of miles up in the clouds, did i mention you were FLYING?, with nothing between you and inevitable death should the plane stop flying because of the bomb or evil purposes of some passenger who masterminded the metal detector and got on board with YOU.

everybody gets a pat down/up/all-around. let it happen. quit freaking out. just deal with it. it's for your own good.

don't eff with my security and/or life.

there are too many crazy people in this world.

it must be insanely hard to be a hipster. all of the time, energy, money, and thought it takes to create such a look - to me - must be exhaustive.

i will never second guess my "classic, every day" style of clothing. it keeps me on time and debt free.

jeans and tshirt kinda guy. and i'm not mad at a solid cardigan either.

apparently i shop for groceries in doubles:

double english muffins,
double humus
double milk
double ketchup (duh)
double turkey dogs
and double eggs

but i'm real pissed about the egg situation. i already had eggs but recently acquired a coupon for a carton of FREE eggs. jackpot. so i went to the store and picked up a carton (because you don't look a gift horse in the mouth) ((what a weird expression)) only to checkout without even thinking about using that coupon. it just stayed in my pocket, nice and snug, without saying a word while i swiped that debit.

so now i have 24 eggs, all of which were non-free.

bugger.

what's in your fridge?

my newest musical interest - the xx

they make me chuckle with their serious, artsty-fartsy approach to layin beats, but its good nonetheless.

always had this group on my radar/in the back of my head, but they recently resurfaced mid-workday while i was listening to sirius xm chill, one of my favorite sirius satellite stations, next to bpm that is.

enjoy. and chill out.

shocking and really weird:

"gay tea party group defends willow palin's anti-gay slur"

saying that lots of gay men use this word, but when a republican woman uses it (at free will and in a derogatory manner) then it becomes a "slur."

and the main reason this is getting so much reaction is because people are out to get sarah palin.

is this real life?

it's always a slur, just as much as the n-word will always be a slur, no matter who uses it. and i don't want to hear anyone use it.

what willow palin said is inexcusable - republican, democrat, or non-voter.

with or without sarah palin.

it's a slur.

i have two kinds of nights:

nights when buster sleeps in his dog bed;
nights when buster sleeps in my bed.

i always prefer the former but sometimes the latter becomes necessary:

i.e., during the nights when buster sleeps in his dog bed, i sometimes get an irrational fear that an evil spirit is going to grab me by the ankle and pull me across the house, as seen in paranormal activity.

i really do not want that to happen.

therefore, i feel strongly that if buster sleeps in my bed, his ferocious don't F with me when i'm trying to sleep attitude will ward off said spirits.

however, most times, i'm not afraid of anything and prefer to sleep alone - only when i'm alone can i sleep in my preferred semi-diagonal sleeping position and then, inevitably, change sleeping positions nearly 3k times until morning.

however, if buster is in bed with me (or anyone else for that matter) my diagonal sleeping preference is thrown out the window and my tossing-and-turning preference is greatly subdued.

so i guess my story is two-fold:

1. evil spirts cramp my style
2. i will probably never marry and/or no one would willingly marry me after reading this blog post.

jimmy dean died. sausage will never be the same.

seriouslly...it's good sausage, yall.

am i the only person in the world that has not investigated one second into the van der sloot story nor read one article about the world cup? i didn't even watch the shakira video because that is soooo ricky martin of her. and i i know it's a heavy/serious thing with the van der sloot stuff...but van der sloot, really? that sounds like something straight out of rocky and bullwinkle.

my bad?

really CNN? this is the most ridiculous headline i've read on your site in a long time:

"The risk of being an 'angry black man"
'Critics have complained that President Obama isn't showing enough anger over the Gulf oil disaster. Who would have ever expected some white Americans to demand that an African-American man show more rage?'

to me, this is a racist remark to both black and white americans. as if all white americans assume black americans to be angry, volatile people...a nice one,two punch.

why would anyone want obama to come across as angry? presidents should never appear angry...they need to maintain dignity, class, and professionalism. yes, obama is known and cherished by many for his cool-guy, every-guy persona...but that doesn't mean he should want to "kick ass" and yell at people when things go wrong.

he's supposed to be tactful, non-stressed, and cool under pressure.

get a grip cnn. just because the tea-partiers antics are accepted by some doesn't mean this type of behavior is wanted by all.

enough sensationalism.

i go back and forth alllll the time.

what am i talking about? twitter.

sometimes its so painfully boring and typical. it's like rereading the same morning newspaper. the gays love gaga. everyone loves the iphone because it's shiny and has an apple on it. then there's the per-usual self-promotion of anything under the sun that you can make some claim-to-fame to. gag. and then, of course, twitpics of your food/meals. the highlight of my day - lettin me see the shit you're eating. how long did you prep the parsley before you took the shot?

at any rate, i've seen it all a hundred times. boresville.

but every now and again i get ground-breaking news from twitter. admittedly, it's definitely something i check to find out what's going on in the world, all in realtime.

how depressing.

#findmeaninginthisworldthatdoesntrequireaninternetconnection

this is perfect.

i see trees of green, red roses, too.



i see them bloom, for me and you.



And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.



i see skies of blue and clouds of white.



the bright blessed day,



the dark sacred night.



and I think to myself...what a wonderful world.



the colors of the rainbow - so pretty in the sky.



are also on the faces of people going by.



i see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do?



they're really saying: I love you.



i hear babies crying, I watch them grow.



they'll learn much more than i'll never know



and I think to myself...what a wonderful world



yes, i think to myself...what a wonderful world.






*all photos are from the AP, Reuters, MSNBC.com, and other online media outlets.

hey guys, just mowin the lawn. love that parker james.

if you're like me, you don't fully understand how the oil spill occurred. this helped.

don't forget to be mad, be informed, and be proactive in the future. this problem is irreversible, so get used to it and know everything you can about it.

i'm curious - are any of you ipad owners feeling complete and utter buyer's remorse yet?

of course you are.

by now you've surely realized your pretty yet frivolous gadget wasn't worth all the hype and money. ...right?

right.

this is hard, i know. you have my sympathy. and you will get through this.

although the real cherry here is that, in true apple form, those yutzs will put out a bigger, better, and more expensive ipad for us shallow americans to go further in debt for no later than 3 months from now, tops.

oh, you already pre-ordered?

of course you did.

stream of consciousness:

living in chicago, there are pretty parts and there are ugly parts. take for instance the uptown neighborhood. it's a blend of beautiful, pre-existing homes and business buildings that are, unfortunately, surrounded by poverty. and not only poverty, but violence, drugs, gangs, etc. and, on a smaller scale, with all of that comes loitering, trash, vandalism, destruction, and slow-moving, poorly funded maintenance and upkeep.

so let's gentrify the area. uptown is bringing in a super target that will hopefully foster more business for other businesses. with more business comes more revenue - tighter security, new streets, landscaping, public works, etc. the poor people that used to live in the area will be slowly pushed out due to increasing rents, new construction, gut rehabs, etc.

to not seem totally insensitive the city will build or establish a few section 8 housing developments to give the less fortunate a means to live and be stable amid a thriving and opportunistic area.

to me, that makes sense.

but at the same time i now come across as completely ignorant of the poor and homeless. as if we can just keep pushing them out, keep disregarding their needs by qualifying my own. i'm not, i just don't know what to do with them. nobody does. do i want to see homeless people sleeping on sidewalks and benches, begging for money, talking crazily as they wander down the street? no, of course not. but what do you do with them? what do you do with the establishments that are so poorly maintained and managed because they are overtaken by poor people? those type of establishments bring vandalism and violence to an area that is trying to rid itself of such setbacks. it's not only an eyesore but it's a safety issue.

while i know it's not easy to see, it is more importantly not something we can overlook. we're all people here.

the state has a dwindling budget to provide any sort of housing, food, or medical aid for the poor and homeless.

so what do we do? what do you do with the people who don't have the resources to do anything positive? what do you do with the people you want to make better, but can't?

i have no idea.

nuff said. boycott bp

happy memorial day.

YOU GUYS.

seriously. this is some straight up bullshit. if you ever purchase BP oil ever again, you should be eternally ashamed and embarrassed.

it's revolting. i can't even wrap my mind or words around how devestating this oil spill is, and we all sit back and watch lindsay lohan go to probation.

wtf.

you should be mad. you should care. you should do something.

tweet, post, write, yell...something.

this is so bad.

it's like the movie WALL.E is coming true.

and like those lazy, obese people in the movie, we just don't care enough.

i've been eating my words so much lately i'm becoming psychologically obese.

annoying: firetrucks and ambulances.

yes, i realize it's an emergency, but do you have to be SO loud? car horns pose enough threat to my sanity, but your foghorn sirens are sure fodder suicide.

why do you pick super busy streets to scream down? why do you think people don't know you're coming.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. noise pollution. i should have picked a quieter street. if that exists in chicago.

update: the iphone's elite image is in trouble.

walmart is selling 3g iphones for $97. every walmart, not just the ones in suburbs.

update: the iphone's image is now that of a touchscreen razr.

golly gee look at that there new fangled gizmo! faaaancy!

i had a thought while walking past some attention-needy, delusional, low self-esteem individuals.

omg what a bitch thing to say, i know. but c'mon. you know them when you see them.

examples:

anyone who has a shirtless profile picture on facebook
anyone who is completely matchy matchy at the gym
obsessive fake bakers

the latter being my focus. so, we all know them. people who spend their hard earned money at the tanning salon perfecting their "glow"...

here's the truth: they're aging their skin lightyears ahead of time and willingly exposing their bodies to harmful radiation. i believe the uv radiation in a tanning bad is something like 8000x stronger than the uv radiation coming from the sun?

whatever that statistic is, it's not in favor of the tanning industry.

to me, anyone that is fakebaking is unhappy with how they look, as if a little tan is going to change anything? if you were ugly going into the tanning bed, you're gonna be ugly coming out. sorrz yall.

if you're going to mexico for some vacay action and you want to get a base before you inevitably fry while south of the border - ok i get it. but its mostly a vanity thing, you know it's true.

at any rate, so i walked by some greasy orange girl coming out of a tanning salon and i thought to myself:

everyone was sooo intrigued, appalled, and/or amused by the fact that michael jackson was a black man that turned his skin white, but NO ONE has any problem with a white person becoming orange.

hypocrites.

new goal: to become a morning person.

i don't know what has gotten into me, but i've been on a serious hunt for some folksy/electric/housey beats and woah have i been finding them. i'm trying to gather up some serious jams for my up-and-coming housewarming partay. if no one is impressed by my condo i'm nearly positive they will be impressed by my stellar choice in music.

what's even more fun is that i'm going to handpick the order and crossfade them so it's like a dj is in the housizzle but in reality its just the nanner doing it's job as programmed by yours truly.

what's on the playlist you ask? well, duh, i can't tell you just yet.

but after my housewarming partying, this blog will be rockin them beats.

love everything about this/them.

i'd like to thank adam rawson brown for quoting a few, thought-provoking words via facebook status update and bob marley,

"truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."

very, very true. too many times i've agonized over the loss of someone. not by death but by indifference. either they didn't like me, or perhaps i felt bad for not liking them. i've felt used and abused. i've felt heartache. i've felt pity. i've felt unnecessary obligation. at this point in the game - i've felt it all.

love, unloved, and loveless.

and it's all so ridiculous. the redeeming factor is that, luckily, i feel just as good alone as i do paired. to me, i'm a hoot and a half, and if you don't know that, well, i do. it's all ok.

and that acceptance gives me comfort. just because i wander alone, i am not lost nor lonely.

but at the same time, if merited, i would suffer for someone that i loved. i'd find reason to remain, allbeit strained or unstable, i know my drive better than anyone else. i know what i'm capable of and what i want out of this life.

and some day, some one will experience exactly that:

a lifetime with me. sometimes we'll suffer. sometimes we'll soar.

isn't that what it's about?

my new couch is finally here! finallllllllly i have yet another place to sit. after standing for what seemed like a decade, then upgrading to two barstools, then a computer chair...this couch is like a DREAM COME TRUE.

speaking of dreaming, you know where to find me. (see below)



and this is what i've been doing, non-stop, donut and all, since its delivery. formal seating calls for a celebration!

yes, children, i know we all loved betty white's performance on snl. you know i'm a huge lover of all things golden girls, especially rose, and have appreciated her talent since childhood. but i have to make one slightly predictable debbie downer statement:

isn't this betty white phenomena just a little...overboard?

it's like people ranting and raving about how good a chocolate chip cookie is. they've been around forever, they're a classic treat, no matter what they're in they're always still so, so good, and we look forward to them at all times.

there's no need to be totally gaga just because someone started a trend. the betty white trend. who knew? i've been raving about her for years (yes, i just trumped all of you, total bitch move, i know it well) and have even dedicated a few blog entries to BW. but everybody else? GA GA! no surprise from the gays: gaga over gaga, gaga over white, gaga over glee, gaga over their own reflection. oops!

they love to go gaga.

anyway, betty white gave a solid performance, yes. her comedic timing was as impeccable as ever. and i truly love that she didn't read the teleprompter, too. class act. but at the same time - she's been acting all of her (long) life. her memory is top notch even at the age of...well, we all know her age by now.

in reality, snl was just kind of funny. i must admit that with all of the AMAZING comebacks of snl-yore...i was hoping for much, much, much more and unfortunately it wasn't, well, more than i had hoped.

it was less. it was something, but it was less.

wahh, WAHHHHHHHH.

okay the one hilarious part for me was amy poehler's "really" part when she was commenting on how a manager should of had to approve that billion dollar transaction mistake because she can't pass off a $50 at starbucks without it becoming a 4 man operation. HILARIOUS. i laughed pretty hard. and i of course laughed at everything kristin wigg did and said because she's amazing, always.

at any rate i'm glad betty white was a part of snl, kudos, but yall here's a ryan sumner reality check: that's like saying OH MY GOD CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES ARE DELICIOUS!

uh, we know. we get it.

so, stupid ikea decided to discontinue an item that i foolishly only purchased one of...and of course i now need a second! have you seen one of these french flower buckets anywhere? ikea used to call it a "beta"...which, perhaps, should have been my first clue that it wasn't going to be around for long.

doh.

have you seen something similar? do you have one? or should i say do you have one that you want to sell to me?!

please please please i can no longer bear the sight of my unbalanced and unzen fireplace.

wahhhhh.

i had some powerful thoughts while working out...and now i'm too tired to accurately transcribe them onto my blog. boo.

the gist: today i heard both the n-word and the f-word. obvs: vile verbiage for black and gay.

seriously, why are we still at that point where it's ever even remotely necessary to use those specific words? i personally will never forgive (drama alert, i know, i'm just fired up peeps) whoopi goldberg for stating the dumbest theories on "owning" the n-word. and it's so weird because, usually, i'm hatin' on that damn elisabeth, but no...it's the whoopster. defending black people's use, and only black people's use, of the word as a means of redemption or freedom from it.

and for once, i agree with elisabeth (wow is that hard to say). YOU DON'T OWN THE WORD. all and everyone who chooses to use it is so wrong and ignorant. how can you not be?

it's completely reactive. it's not proactive. don't we all know better? of course you do. hot stove? don't touch it. pain will always be inflicted no matter what.

at this point in our lives, as adults, with our street-cred gained from living in the real world and simple education of history, ethics and, hell, even pop culture intake, such words are blissfully ignorant. it's a verbal binge. it's a hate hammock. pain in paradise. we live in a free, beautiful world that we purposely pollute with oral nonsense. just because. no reason...we just do. because some of us "can."

(except for me)

same goes for the f-word. people still throw that word around as a means of humor and i just.don't.get.it. especially guilty are the the gays. the "owners." gays of the world: STOP IT. for once, act and speak with an ounce of dignity. i wish i could record the way some of you speak and play it back to you. i feel as if you would be appalled, and by leagues - embarrassed. but maybe you wouldn't. and that is exactly the problem.

GROW UP.

to willingly and knowingly express yourself in such a belligerent manner...why would anyone care what the message is? and why should anyone take you seriously, about anything? it's like a violent protest. no one respects violence in an effort to raise awareness. the message, lost. the seriousness, lessened. and the messenger? a complete joke.

its bass ackwards. it's reactive.

it's stupid.

it's unnecessary.

GROW UP.

when i'm in the wrong, i'll admit it.

soo...

i was wrong. about something.

actually, i was just being a hypocrite. the other day i said something about how wrong it is to wear unreasonable gym clothes in public.

today was a beautiful day in chicago so i went on a walk in the city...completely disregarding the fact that the tank top i had on was too snug. i knew full well that i was committing a fashion crime before leaving the house...i just didn't care, for some reason. maybe it made me look more buff? i was willing to take my chances.

cut to me passing by a store window, catching a major glimpse of my ridiculous reflection.

ZOIKS.

um, the tank made me a) look huge b) look like i was trying way too hard and c) was completely ill-fitting and unflattering and kept rubbing against my skin - sign numero uno that it was way too small in the first place.

so, i immediately righted my wrong: i went home and changed into a loose fitting tee with the sleeves cut off down to the mid waist. if the wind blows with just the right amount of intensity - my nipples are completely exposed.

off to the gym!

new michael tribute by miranda. genius.

due to a feisty spirit, i recognize that i'm sometimes too judgemental.

but, i don't care. wanna know why?

because i'm almost always correct.

i'm a really good judge of character. sometimes too good because it doesn't allow myself to make mistakes. and then when i do make a mistake i am overly let down by myself.

who cares, though? more times than not my judge judy approach to life saves me, graces me, and keeps me on the path. before you puke because you think i'm a total narcissist, just know that i'm not.

i'm very self-deprecating. i'm very honest with myself. i have nothing to prove to you. i'm my own biggest critic. i hold myself to a personal standard and if you want to know more about that, keep reading this blog. if you don't, sorry 'bout it.

anywho, like i said earlier, i'm feeling feisty and ornery. feeling like a total brat. here are the things that have been annoying me as of today:

1) this:


2) gay men in gyms. do you really have to wear such short shorts? you don't even have the decency to wear spandex underneath. yes, i get the fact that you're trying to meet someone, or anything with a pulse, but i'm at the gym to work out. crazy concept, i know. and be forewarned that i hate working out so i'm extra not up for your cruisey bullshit. put on clothes that fit and either lift that weight or get the hell out of my way.

3) pregnant women doing pilates at the gym. you're selfish. be a normal person and eat corndogs dipped in hershey syrup or something. why must you hate the thought of putting on a lil weight? you're pregnant. when you're 7 months pregnant, you're not supposed to be in a sling with your feet over your head. that's probably how you got into this whole mess. you're sooooo going to be that kind of mom we all see in the malls, shopping at a&f with your teenage daughter, probably wearing a size smaller than she is. and your kids will grow up to be pampered, unruly brats with a buffet of self-esteem issues. i would go as far as to say that pregnant women being in a gym more than once a week is child abuse. again, you're pregnant. it's a package deal - you get knocked up, you put on some pregnancy weight, you feed and nourish your up-and-coming brat, and you do everything and anything that keeps that brat alive, healthy, and happy. working out has nothing to do with baby and has everything to do with your own, self-centered ego.

4) i'm glad i got this all down on cyber paper. i know that i'm not perfect and am full of flaws, but i just want you to know that you are too, especially if you're any of the above people.

let's up our standards yall. gold diggers - quit digging that gold. someday your rich husband is going to have a slow metabolism, erectile dysfunction, and a hankering for women younger than you. you might want to start looking for a day job and a new hobby besides wasting your husband's money on hats. gay men - have some class. the world doesn't care how cute you think you are. contribute to society in a more effective way other than showing off your less than stellar bodies. preggo women - love your baby first and foremost. a good mom is prioritized and selfless. call mine for details.

i really enjoyed reading about the background of pearl jam's "jeremy" song and video. vedder had a really smart interpretation of what life really is about, and why it's worth living:

"Jeremy" is based on two different true stories. The song takes its main inspiration from a newspaper article about a 15-year-old boy named Jeremy Wade Delle, born February 10, 1975, from Richardson, Texas who shot himself in front of his English class at Richardson High School on the morning of January 8, 1991 at about 9:45 am. In a 2009 interview, Vedder said that he felt "the need to take that small article and make something of it—to give that action, to give it reaction, to give it more importance."

Delle was described by schoolmates as "real quiet" and known for "acting sad." After coming in to class late that morning, Delle was told to get an admittance slip from the school office. He left the classroom, and returned with a .357 Magnum revolver. Delle walked to the front of the classroom, announced "Miss, I got what I really went for", put the barrel of the firearm in his mouth, and pulled the trigger before his teacher or classmates could react. A girl named Lisa Moore knew Jeremy from the in-school suspension program: "He and I would pass notes back and forth and he would talk about life and stuff," she said. "He signed all of his notes, 'Write back.' But on Monday he wrote, 'Later days.' I didn't know what to make of it. But I never thought this would happen."

When asked about the song, Vedder explained:

It came from a small paragraph in a paper...which means you kill yourself and you make a big old sacrifice and try to get your revenge. That's all you're gonna end up with...is a paragraph in a newspaper. Sixty-three degrees and cloudy in a suburban neighborhood. That's the beginning of the video and that's the same thing in the end, it does nothing … nothing changes. The world goes on and you're gone. The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself. Be stronger than those people. And then you can come back.

tell me now baby is he good to you?
can he do to you the things that i do?
i can take you higher.
i'm on fire.

sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
through the middle of my soul.

at night i wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through the
middle of my head.
only you
can cool my desire
i'm on fire.

two things:

1) i think the whole "om nom nom nom" thing has been done. played out. kinda old snooze. can't wait for the next big thing.

2) i'm not sure if it's because i work from home now, or perhaps my craziness has gone to another level, but, for some strange reason...whenever i'm out in public...i have to constantly look down to see if i'm wearing pants.

it's like i don't trust myself that i fully dressed myself before leaving. even when i'm wearing jeans, i have this unwarranted fear/mild panic attack that i'm only in my underwear. and what's weirder is the fact that i don't walk around in my underwear all day when at home. almost never, that is. but i certainly don't do it enough to explain my constant need to verify proper attire when in public. i just don't get it.

chalking it up to craziness. i'm not perfect.

new nanner yall! this playlist has some amazing songs you'll be bopping to all summer long. the first one, shooting superstars, is a mashup of some random eminem song and the bag raiders' shooting superstars. amazing.

also crazy about the reinterpretation of the "i'm on fire" by bruce springstein. love the chill vibe of the redo. perfect time to get a glass of lemonade then sit back in the sun. sunscreen fully applied, of course. look for the whole thing somewhere on the internet.

i'm really bummed this other stellar mash up between ke$ha and owl city wasn't available. research it on your own and give it a listen.

you can thank me later.

happy soon-to-be summer.

love sumner

had an amazing birthday. thank you all for the well wishes. and thanks to jfest for all of the bday surprises...even though i hate surprises! they were all great and very applicable to the needs of my L.I.F.E!

HEY 28!

i'd like to take a moment and thank my wonderful and beautiful mother for giving birth to me 28 years ago to the day! thanks mom! saved the best for last, right?!?!

used to be obsessed with this movie. it was so pretty in its time. i'd like to see it on blue ray. perhaps i should first own a blue ray player.

incredible photo. a landslide in taiwan. i don't think i even realized "landslides" were an actual thing. mudslides? sure. slip-n-slides? definitely.

and now, landslides.

i guess i've heard the song landslide...but never related it to a natural disaster...which i'm sure was the point/meaning of the song.

god i'm stupid.

last night i fell down stairs. in public. at a bar. it was not my finest moment.

i'm still embarrassed.

the funny thing was that the fall wasn't due to drinking...even though i did have a drink in hand when said fall happened. okay maybe it had something to do with the fact that i was drinking...but it wasn't like i was DRUNK and acting stupid. i was perfectly fine until the incident occurred.

i just didn't see the steps. i was walking out of the bar, going about my business, and at some point the floor decided to descend via two steps down. i was entirely unaware and fell completely on my face and everywhere else. and it wasn't like one of those "he's down, and he's back up." i was down. when i replay it in my head its reminds me of a cartoon where the character runs off a cliff but doesn't realize the ground is missing and is just kind of like walking on air. that's what i had to have looked like because i was walking at a good pace when those two steps came out of nowhere. and boom. bitch went down.

anyway, so embarrassing.

dammit.

been away for awhile. sorry bout it!

not really.

moving has proven itself to be an immense challenge. mostly because of timing. they say timing is everything and GOD is it ever. my timing sucks, in general. don't get me wrong, i'm almost always on time...i just can never plan anything in advance where multiple things need to happen either simultaneously, in a row, or in some general span of relative time. no matter how much i plan in advance things always gets effed up. the timing is always wrong.

for example: the first week of living in the new place i haven't had anywhere to sit. why you ask? well, because the timing for moving in and my furniture being delivered were, of course, waaaay off. i sold my old furniture forever ago because i expected to close on my condo last month. well i closed a week ago so i've been without furniture for like 3 months now. i'm hoping by next week i'll have a cool ass sofa. but you never know. in the meantime i've been standing at all times. standing when i check my email. standing when i pay my bills. standing when i stare out the window. standing when i take my crazy pills. standing standing standing.

yesterday i did the unthinkable - i purchased barstools off craigslist. mhm. i typically loathe all things craigslist-related, but i actually really enjoy the barstools and they were at a killer price. speaking of killer - inevitable of all craigslist purchases - i had to endure an awkward exchange between myself and the barstool seller...i even had to ride in a creepy elevator with him, enter his creepy studio apartment, look at his creepy not-for-sale furniture, and stand around while he "cleaned off" the barstools/plotted my murder.

i guess he was nice enough, though. i'm just overdramatic.

but you already knew that.

so this morning i woke up, surprisingly without a hangover, and had a hankering for subway. weird, but doable. so i walked to subway and ordered a sandwich. (um, newsflash: subway is surprisingly expensive for the shit that it is.) anyway, i'm in line, politely barking off toppings, and while doing so this mom and little girl get in line behind me.

now, maybe i'm just fresh off this email high my sister recently sent me - an email comedically explaining the differences between us 30 yr olds (ish, i'm not even 28 yet) and tweens. the email was decently funny in interpreting how different the world is now versus when we were kids. well this subway mom and daughter proved the content of the email to a T.

my fave part of the email was this line: "Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!"

funny and true.

the way kids talk to their parents? ummm never in my household.

back to subway, so i was eavesdropping on what they were going to order. the mom asks her daughter "ok, lily, tell the lady what kind of sandwich you want. that little brat sat there and read every sandwich on the menu, her mother idly standing by as the kid read line by line. i had already paid and sat down by the time the girl finished reading off the entire menu and prices. what, was she treating her mom to lunch? doubt it. anyway, i picked a table near the counter so i could continue my eavesdropping. so, the mom gets annoyed, bends over, and speaks in the girl's ear: now lily do you want a turkey sandwich? or ham? they have ham you know. you like ham. or you can get tuna, you like tuna too. do you want turkey, ham, or tuna? choose one. lily choose one.

finally, lily pipes up: i want a pizza sub!

um, i didn't even know pizza subs were an actual sandwich? whatever. so then the sandwich artist makes the unfortunate mistake of asking lily what kind of bread she wanted.

GOOD LORD.

what's herb & cheese? i don't like wheat. mom can i get french bread? can i get a footlong?

the mom goes: lily you can have whatever you want. she then hoists lily up so she can see all of the toppings she can get on her pizza sub (i was really tempted to stand up and peak through the glass sneezeguard to see what was on the pizza sub. is it like salami and cheese? i still don't get it.) the mom then names each topping lily can choose from. do you want lettuce? if you don't want lettuce then maybe you should have spinach. what kind of cheese do you want? pepperjack is spicy, you don't want spicy do you? you can have tomatoes, cucumbers, blah blah BLAH.

OMG. was lily some kind of princess or QUEEN or something else royal? why is she given so many options? why is this mother acting like kids have any idea of what they want? doesn't subway have a no-hassle sandwich that's solely for kids...comes on a kid-sized piece of bread and takes like 5 seconds to make? does lily have a gun in her pocket that only her mom knows about? what is going on? had subway existed back when i was a kid, my mom would have ordered for me, without any consultation. i wouldn't have options. i wouldn't have someone present me with a bread preference. a menu would not be necessary for me.

even at the dinner table, unless it was my birthday, no one asked me what i did and did not like. if i didn't like what was being cooked for dinner, my dad would, without flinching, use the line: then you're not hungry.

yes, if i didn't like what was being cooked for dinner, i wasn't hungry. that's how i was raised. his point being that, if i wanted to have food in my stomach, food that they worked and paid for - i was going to eat whatever was put in front of my face. end of story.

no choices. no bread variety. no toppings. no menu.

don't even ask me what later happened at the soda fountain machine: lily do you want white pop or brown pop? or you could have fruit punch. which do you want lily? brown pop? do you want root beer or coke?

LILY YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF THE MONSTER YOU WILL BECOME.

so, you know how everyone was obsessed with the whole facebook celebrity doppelganger phenomenon a couple months back?

well, someone i sort-of-know-enough-to-be-facebook-friends-with just now, apparently, got the memo about it and recently posted their supposed doppelganger.

...i tried really hard not to make a big deal out of this, and probably shouldn't since the person in question and i have quite a few mutual friends, but the more i see this comparison the more i LAUGH/DIE inside.

so this real life person, who will forever go unnamed, has a) posted their celebrity doppelganger as their profile pic, b) is weirdly proud of it, and c) somehow sees nothing wrong with it. literally, it's as if the real life person was like, "wow! i look just like that. that's SO cool! i can't post this quick enough!!!"

and, i know i've been known to sensationalize every story i've ever written about, but this is real. and it's almost too good to be true. but it is true and that's what makes life enjoyable.

i will also admit that there is a definite resemblance of the real life person and the celebrity. and that's exactly the problem/what's funny. the often good looking celebrity and this real life guy could actually be mistaken for one another.

BUT.

...and i'm capitalizing and bolding but because it's a big BUT: the picture used of the celebrity is probably the absolute worst picture i have ever, ever, EVER seen of that celebrity.

and i'm talking bad. like rotfl kind of bad and i almost never speak in teenage acronyms unless it's absolutely applicable.

this was so applicable.

to set the tone of how crazy it is - i wouldn't have even guessed it was said celebrity until i literally read the caption. the celebrity looked about 15 lbs overweight, frumpy, all-around dumpy, his outfit was extra unflattering, he had gross facial hair, and, as an entire package, was completely not cute what.so.ever.

so, if you're the real life person using this specific pic as your celebrity doppelganger profile pic...

yikes. not a good day.

sorry bout it! if i were you, i'd take that profile pic down IMMEDIATELY, and then take a step back from the ledge!

operation: move day has begun. i closed today and am officially the homeowner of my condo! papers were signed, checks were written (ah!), and the keys are in my hands. time to migrate my belongings to their new home and come saturday evening, my parents and i will be sittin back, drinking a marg, and cheersing to a whole new life.

yay me.

everyone should go to this...myspace page...and vote for miranda's glee audition!

(i've never seen glee and have no desire to but i support MSings in whatever she does.)


Glee monologue

Glee | MySpace Video

if you're like me (which you should be) you wish that jennifer lopez would quit all of her lofty, underperforming day jobs and instead stick to mothering her surely bratty twins and devoting time and patience toward supporting the similarly underachieved career of her latino pet skeleton. lopez is absolutely void of any noticeable talent and public likeability, and quite frankly, would not be missed should she ever decide to leave it all behind her.

but, like many other d-list celebrities, she somehow managed to land a starring role in some oh-so typical, seen-it-a-million-times-before romantic comedy, coming to a theater near you.

run the other way!

what's funny is not how retarded the movie looks, but rather the PR machine behind it. some publicity mastermind has decided that, in order to get paying butts in the seats, they have to somehow make the movie look appealing. because, critically, it just isn't - common sense tells you that much from the mere mention of jlo's name. so, to turn a negative into a positive, what these clever little devils conjured up is nothing short of pure ticket sales revenue geniusness.

i tippa the hat.

in the back-up plan trailer, you will notice two unmistakable moneymakers:

1) the leading, hunky male lead is shirtless in nearly every frame of the trailer. tweens, teens, catholic school girls, soccer moms, stay-at-home-moms (who are totally horned up by the mere sight of all the flesh/sex they've surely been without since giving birth to madison, emma, and connor), and average-looking 20-30 yr olds who haven't been on a date in the last 6 months are without-a-doubt going to storm this movie by the migratory FLOCK to get a glimpse of this no-name yet oily, chiseled lead male actor. no one knows who he actually is but who cares about names when mama wants to count ab muscles!

and

2) i don't care how bad a show, product, or media message is - if you can somehow produce a trailer or video montage or even a soundbyte using ke$ha's megahit tik tok as the background music...you're sure to have an instaHIT blockbuster on your hands and hundred dollar bills in your pocket. regardless of how trashy and talentless ke$ha may be, that song, in some truly unique and magical way, appeals to everyone's deep down jam factor. you cannot tell me that tik tok does not make you want to get up and do some serious dancing. i personally love it. it just makes life more fun and silly. every time i hear it i'm either dancing my face off or, in my head, choreographing how a flash mob would interpret it on the streets of chicago. de-licious. if tik tok is involved - i'll watch that obnoxious minute to win it show nbc is forcing down our throats, i'll drink jack daniels, i'll buy clocks, hell, i'll even eat my words and spring for two tickets to the back-up plan.

(yes, i'd obviously bring a date - i'm not so pathetic that i'd see it alone.)

anyway, that's all you need. lonely hearts feasting on creatine-induced muscle and tik tok on the clock = recipe for success.

however, my raven symone prediction is as follows:
jlo will be a horrendous actress and further sink into oblivion (fingers crossed),
the plot will be a carbon copy of everything you've ever seen in your life,
the dog in the wheelchair/cart thing will be the only funny/cute component of the entire movie (which is also a cliched approach),
you will predict the anticlimatic ending 5 minutes into the movie, and
you will walk out of the theater having wasted precious hours of your life and eleven dollars of your hard earned money that could have gone toward purchasing jack daniels-flavored toothpaste.

shame on you. and don't say i didn't warn you.

new jessica and hunter!

um this place is disgustoid.
this bitch has a running tab at planned parenthood.
um okkk chazz bono.
you have a hot date for masturbating on chatroulette.

i got new big boy shoes...

things to consider when buying your first home:

earnest money,
3.5% down payment,
closing costs,
origination fees,
attorney fees,
home inspection fees,
appraisal fees,
tax transfer fees,
the loan principle,
mortgage insurance,
homeowners insurance,
building insurance,
property taxes,
monthly assessments,
utilities not included in monthly assessments,
and then all the money needed to actually do something to the place.

ahhhh, the cost of home ownership. it's a blessing in financial disguise.

yes, i do take lessons from myself.

a constant source of entertainment/disheartenment (it's not a word, it just works for what i'm trying to say) comes from reading any type of "comment" feature. whether it be youtube, cnn, amazon...anything really, if this nation's citizens are allowed to voice their opinion, especially in an anonymous, online environment, they certainly will.

freedom of speech, yes, i get it, but if you ever take the time to read what people write on any of these comment free-for-all forums...it's usually entertaining but more often truly horrifying. these "people" write the most vile, hate-filled, judgemental, and all around abusive slander, pick cyber-fights with other anonymous people, and then spend hours and hours providing hateful rebuttals to their original hateful statement. it's INSANITY. any of you with an online presence know exactly what i'm talking about. it's everywhere. and it's so tooth and nail it's often quite scary, even though it's via the www. plus, there is rarely any censor. there's typically never any type of 3rd party monitoring (not that it would deter anyone).

so bizarre. to me, it's a kind of speech that is exclusively reserved for cults/psychopaths (i.e. the kkk, the fred phelps clan, glenn beck, etc.). for example, i was watching a youtube video where these two cute kittens are play fighting and then this other kitten shows up and pukes up milk. kinda funny, kinda weird...but i scrolled down to read the comments to this video and stumbled upon an all out war between several people...all disputing RELIGION. (!?) i didn't take the time to link back pages upon pages worth of nasty comments and "viewpoints" to see how and why the whole thing started but WOAH. it was ugly and most certainly out of place for the video at hand.

another thing i noticed is that, in general, if people are going to comment on something, it's often the holy-rollers doing the commenting/abusing. i don't care what the subject matter is but, 9 times out of 10, a comment with a bible verse can almost always be found.

weird, isn't it? why is it that our christian brothers and sisters are some of the meanest, most disrespectful and judgemental people on this planet? justin timberlake once said, where is the love?! have we no compassion anymore? tolerance? acceptance of that which is different?!

i thought jesus didn't judge? maybe he doesn't...maybe jesus hired his earthly minions to do his judging for him? who said unemployment was a problem in this country, JC is employing haters by the immortal handful!

just in case you forgot, yes, this is what goes on in canada...and it started today. canada is disgusting. this would never fly in the US.

new miranda. jellz of all my cali friends that can see her whilst in hollywood. i wish she would come to chitown.

here are two things that really confused me today:

one important piece of news media that will never cease to find airtime and public buzz is any reporting of anything sorta, kinda, i-guess-i-can-see-it-if-i-blur-my-vision-and-go-completely-crosseyed resembling an image of jesus christ. i feel like on a near monthly basis i read some kind of news heading about a random object boasting an eerie resemblance of the big guy upstairs. he's all over the place apparently - he's been seen in the clouds, on flower petals, tree limbs, food particles, foliage, weirdly shaped vegetables, smoke signals, window reflections, animal hides, melted candy, mud puddles, paint splatterings, deformations of any sort, you name it he's been on it. today - he's on a tie-dye shirt. and let me tell you - this one is a stretch. in the immortal words of miss swan: it looka like a man. jesus? you be the judge.

the second confusion isn't anything new to me as i've heard about it several times now but never really thought about it too much. until last night. wednesday night is my "tv night" in which all of my fave shows come on in a row (modern family, the middle, modern family again, cougar town, then ugly betty). so, literally, i sit on my bed and refuse to do anything except watch the tube for a solid 3 hours. in this 3 hour time span, the same, stupid pizza hut commercial kept coming on. now, to keep it real, i haven't met a pizza i didn't like, but this commercial is so, so stupid that it makes me mildly annoyed with pizza hut (although i'm still annoyed with pizza hut whenever i see one of those half-n-half "express" restaraunts...like half pizza hut half long john silver. it just ruins any and all appeal because, obviously, they don't give a shit about what they're making, as long as it's fast, and you don't give a shit what you're eating...as long as it's fast). anyway, here's their current, stupid marketing campaign:

you can buy any pizza, any size, with unlimited toppings for only $10 each! ok, at first glance, one might think hey, that's a good deal! well hell yeah it's a good deal. duh. personally, i'll eat cheap pizza until the sun comes up...but wtf is up with the "any size" inclusion? and it's like the main pitch of the commercial. you can get any size pizza for just $10!! ahhhhhhhhhh! call them NOWWWW!!!!

wait, what?

why is that even a selling point? does that make sense to you? me neither. perhaps pizza hut is betting on america's village idiots to get confused and somehow not order a large? as if some lamebrain is gonna call and be like, oh, little ol me? eat an entire large pizza for just $10?? no, no, i couldn't! i'll take a personal pan pizza for $10 and i want pepperoni, sausage, mushroom, canadian bacon, bbq chicken, red onion, green olives, pineapple, jalapenos, banana peppers, anchovies, avocado, sprouts, basil, zucchini, red pepper, extra cheese, and extra sauce. k thanks bye!

ummm, hello, if someone can order any size pizza for the same price they're OF COURSE going to order the most for their buck. am i the only rational person here? aren't we all going to stretch our buck as far as it can go? is that not an assumed mentality across our recession-stricken country? would anyone willingly ask for less, considering you can have more, all for the same price?

WHAT???

obviously, pizza hut, you need to rep the fact that you can have unlimited toppings, any type of crust, any specialty pizzas...all of which is a great deal for $10...but, uh, you can probably leave out the size option. pardon me for speaking on behalf of pizza-loving, cash-strapped americans everywhere but, it's pretty much assumed that everyone is going to order a large pizza for $10 unless the person is a complete idiot/selfish son of a bitch. i.e. if a large pizza is too much for you to eat and you fear that ordering the most you can get for $10 would be wasteful, do what we do in my family and have something called leftovers. perhaps freeze it. take it to work - office workers love free food. or, as your very last option, go outside and take a look around -- i'm sure you could find a homeless person, a stray dog, or perhaps myself who will gladly eat your leftovers without question or judgement.

if i were calling? jigga please. do you make size enormous? i'll take one of those for $10. thanks!

i laughed so hard when i saw this. how can you not? how can you not laugh at some genius' complete absurdity and irresponsibility? you can't look at this and take it seriously. you can't eat it and not feel like a total piece of shit.

and you should feel that way. this kind of eating is not normal. anyone who orders it should feel ashamed and gluttonous.

this is even worse than the monster burger from hardees. far worse.

ob-noxious.

electric city on the sea - by ryansumner

sooo proud of my lil parker james! just fyi i was the one who encouraged him to take his first couple of steps...and now look at him.

hey yall. remember awhile ago when i got all up in a huff about a cnn article written by lz granderson...eventually leading up to a twitter war where we went back and forth exchanging opinions and rants? oof, that was interesting. at least, at the end of the day/war, we both learned something from one another and came to a respectful "agree to disagree" standpoint. though, to be honest, i can't even remember what my real issue was or where my disagreement lied, but in my foggiest recollection i remember him stereotyping the differences between races and sexual orientations, or something to that effect. without going through my archives (and i won't because i'm lazy like that...it is only tuesday after all) i won't be able to recall the exact beef.

at any rate, lz has written yet another article for cnn, however this one i am 100% behind. it's smart, it's accurate, and it's fair. good job lz, thank you for articulating a much needed stance on the ridiculousness of the majority, haters, ignorant, etc. cnn and the rest of news media need to give bigger spotlights to the remaining inequalities that our nation still faces. no one is free if others remain oppressed.

read lz's article here.

for those of you bored enough to watch this season of american idol - does anyone else think usher came off as the gordita supreme of celebrity douchebags? um whenever you're inside a building - take off your sunglasses. you're not royalty, you're not an icon, you were doing a guest appearance on american idol...of course they're going to make it sound like you're a bigger celeb than you are! they need the ratings! wow did they make it seem like you were a major contributor to the world of soul/r&b? say whaaaaat? it wasn't that long ago that i first noticed you as a performer on soul train...where no one even cared that you were singing. they just wanted to dance.

i ain't mad at my way but let's be real - you ain't no marvin gaye. turn down the ego and up the normalcy just a smidge.

reality check.

thanks.

i love when people do cool things. zack zerbe has created a blog showcasing his fantastic photography. i'm obsessed with his picture of the tree/highway/birds. he needs to give it a name and start selling it. i actually want him to send me the negative so i can blow it up, put it in some awesome frame, and hang it on a wall of my new condo.

please and thanks!

you can find a link to his blog in my ilike section.

i dedicate this more-accurate-than-funny onion news article to anyone who has ever purchased a pair of cut-off jean shorts, fiji water, anything made by dolce and gabanna, and/or a bottle of cristal.

Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool
March 23, 2010 | ISSUE 46

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce revealed that Americans spend an astonishing $14 trillion a year on countless, usually failed attempts to look cool.

Looking cool, which the report defines as "the outward projection of an appealing and often enviable image of oneself that others perceive as requiring little to no effort," appears to be a nationwide obsession.

"To put this into perspective, the amount Americans spend on cool looking haircuts is nearly 15 times greater than the total amount spent on cancer research," said Eric Gerhardt, noted economist and lead author of the report. "Whether it's name-brand sneakers, an all-in-one espresso maker, or a pair of hip and stylish Ray-Ban sunglasses, we devote tremendous resources each year toward our conspicuous attempts at stature enhancement."

"It's pretty much an epidemic at this point," the 52-year-old professor added before pausing momentarily to adjust a small gold earring in his freshly pierced earlobe.

The report found that, in all 50 states, efforts to appear cool accounted for a greater portion of household expenditures than career training, doctor visits, and childcare combined.

In addition, Gerhardt said, even basic necessities such as food, shelter, and water are obtained based on perceived coolness, with people opting to purchase expensive Thai or Ethiopian takeout food, spend more than they can afford on homes with granite countertops, and drink bottled water for no other reason than to impress others.

"Someone like contractor Jerry Ditmas of Akron, OH, for example, who spends as much as $3,000 per annum on custom motorcycle accessories, succeeds only in looking like a bigger doofus with each wasted dollar," said Gerhardt, adding that the advertising industry, Japanese youths, and dads on vacation account for nearly a quarter of the $14 trillion. "This is in contrast to, say, [musician] Lou Reed, who spent just $11 on looking cool in 2009 and remains as cool as they come."

According to the report, researchers have isolated a previously unknown personality trait called "getting it," a variable that, while not completely understood, seems to be essential to the achievement of coolness.

"Those who we found 'get it,' or who we determined 'know the score,' succeeded nearly three times as often at looking cool as those who did not," Gerhardt said. "Unfortunately, regardless of how much money Americans spend in desperate attempts to look cool, we concluded that nearly three-quarters of the populations falls into the category of 'lame-os' or 'total lame-os.'"

This worrisome trend extends far beyond just the average citizen, however.

According to the report, a significant percentage of the $14 trillion can be traced back to the highest levels of government, with tax cuts, most defense spending, and a number of major public works such as Mount Rushmore amounting to little more than lawmakers' attempts to appear cool to constituents.

"The Cold War was essentially one huge, pathetic trying-to-look-cool race," Gerhardt said.

Asked about ways the $14 trillion might be better spent, Professor Ian Thorson, a sociologist at Georgetown University, suggested the funds be used to combat poverty, but acknowledged that donating to charities was not always effective, as even those Americans in need often spend much of the assistance they receive on trying to look cool.

"The whole thing ends up being a vicious cycle," Thorson said. "The only way this situation will ever be remedied is if people just relax and try to be themselves, you know? I mean, that's cool, man."

Added Thorson, "Right?"

Thorson said his current research indicates that true coolness may in fact come from not caring what other people think—a finding he hopes to submit to his peers for review before publishing it in a journal admired by students and colleagues alike.

A number of leading economists have already discredited the Commerce Department's report, claiming the $10 million study was undertaken for the sole purpose of looking cool by winning a bunch of government funding.

i noticed a few, distinct trends in human speech:

1) the need to repeat the same phrase twice in row, as an obvious time filler

and

2) asking yourself a question and then immediately answering that question, as to make a point.

lately i feel like these verbal pitfalls have taken over the earth, almost like an h1n1 communication virus. let's discuss the 1st trend, or as i like to call it "the repeat offender."

have you ever bumped into an acquaintance at an elevator, perhaps on a bus or any other type of scenario where you absolutely cannot escape and therefore are forced to initiate or be a part of some form of one-on-one conversation? typically, or at least for me, the brain goes into a frenzy, desperately pulling at any hints of generic starting points or general convo-fodder, be it about their work, a mutual friend, perhaps an inside joke, or at the absolute lamest level, the weather. whatever the subject may be, a conversation with a repeat offender goes a little something like this:

Me: hey john doe, how are you?
JD: oh hey! doing good, doing good. you?
Me: not bad. just takin the bus downtown to do some shopping...
JD: nice, nice.
Me: yeah, i heard bloomingdales was having a sale, you can't pass that up!
JD: no joke, no joke!
Me: well, this is my stop, maybe i'll see you this weekend?
JD: for sure, for sure. later.

it's people like JD that convince me repeat offenders are either

a) extremely awkward or shy individuals that have trouble formulating actual words therefore repeat the few, select words they can actually stammer out as a means to supply something to the convo
b) lamebrains that are horrible at sustaining light conversation therefore repeat things as an attempt to make it seem like they're saying more than they actually are
c) secretly hate me and are therefore, non-overtly, painting the picture for me via indifferent, awkward, one-sided conversation.

the second communication faux pas is what i call the "kate gosselin syndrome." if any of you have ever watched kate on her dreadful tlc show or perhaps on one of her many appearances on the view, you've for sure noticed that she likes to communicate by asking herself questions out loud and then answering them to get her point across:

am i exploiting my children? yes. that's obvious.
do i spend too much money on hair, makeup, and cosmetic surgery? probably, those rugrats make it all possible though, so who really cares. next question kate.
do i care that america perceives me as a megabitch, media-crazed, reality prostitute? yes and no, even though the only reason i got these itchy extensions put in was to create a whole new, relatable i'm-a-mom-just-like-you-only-with-whiter-teeth public image.
is it working? probably not.
do my children love me? of course they don't.

kate isn't the only one guilty of this. you know you all have spoken to someone mercilessly affected with kate gosselin syndrome. it's actually a decent vantage point though as it's much easier to be on the receiving end since, really, all you have to do is sit back and pretend to listen while they interview themself. or perhaps you're the perpetrator?

guilty as charged. in fact, i said this to a coworker today:

am i mad at you? no. am i sorta pissed that you ate all of the green m&m's first, especially when you are well aware of the fact that they're my favorite despite the fact that they ALL taste the same? yes.

how have i never seen this until now?

getting an fha home loan has been one of the most frustrating, annoying, and tedious experiences of my life. be ready to have your entire financial livelihood raped by the loaners that be.

if you're ever considering buying a home via an fha loan - feel free to ask me about the stress levels you might (will probably) experience.

could seriously punch a couple faces.

oh, and if you all are racking your brains on what to get me for a housewarming gift, i really want this restoration hardware 1950's distressed copenhagen chair:



it's even on sale!

i'm surpised and a little saddened by the sheer amount of people i know that have taken part in amateur pornography. i mean...really? that's the way you wanna make your money?

starbucks isn't hiring? i heard they were looking for a cashier at the walgreens on broadway and waveland...

to each their own but woah, ya nasty.

(and what is the company i keep these days?!)

let me set the scene for the post below:

this morning i hopped on the bus at LAX with a dream and my cardigan. just kidding...except for the cardigan part. so, per my usual work commute, i hopped on the 146 this morning and plopped down in a seat in the very back. as the bus rolled down lake shore drive making its usual stops, the bus filled up verrrry quickly. as we neared the last stop before going express to michigan avenue, i noticed a super cute yet frail older woman get on and look around for an available seat. well, there were none due to the fact that they were mostly occupied by 20-40 yr old stupid bitches. not one bitch budged an inch as granny slowly crept down the aisle, all the while holding on for dear life as the bus barreled down lsd. granny had made it all the way to the back, passing by row after row of bitch after bitch. not one bitch even flinched. as granny climbed the couple of steps to the very back of the bus i quickly offered my seat, to which she sweetly thanked me with a look of sincere appreciation on her face.

not one of the many, many bitches on that bus even attempted to get up for this sweet old lady. not one. they were all too busy reading their kindles or holding on to one of their seven bags and purses.

stupid bitches.

i'm calling you out, bitches.

(whenever i reference bitches in this blog, it is of the female species that i'm specifically referring to. i'm just telling you because, in lakeview, there are many different kinds of bitches. this post is about tacos only.)

listen up, bitches: what makes you think that, while on a CTA bus, you are somehow exempt from the moral rule (and public transportation rule of thumb) pertaining to giving up your seat to the elderly, handicapped, pregnant, injured, or small children? you stupid bitches, you ain't no exempt!

what, are you somehow so deluded and trapped in time that you believe men are the only ones expected to give up their seats for those more in need? give.me.a.break.

for the last 50+ years you women have been demanding equality - desiring a big ol' pair of cultural testicles, burning your bras, loving your feminist lifestyles, attending poetry readings, trying so, so hard to elect a female president, earning bigger salaries, anchoring your own nightly network news, but when it comes to riding a bus...

all of a sudden you all shrink back into your delicate flower/victim role and in some fucked up way believe you are the needy one? i can't stand up on a bus, i'm a woman! it's much too rough for my delicate nature! oh the vapors!

based on what? because you have a vagina?

(!)

if it were legal to abuse a woman for thinking such things, i would domestically assault the shit out of you. get back in the kitchen, raise some kids, live off of your husband's allowance! and don't forget - only speak when spoken to!

you want it bass ackwards? you got it!

bitches of 2010: when grandma, grandpa, or special eddie get on the bus, pick your lazy ass up off the seat and move it somewhere else or, god forbid, stand up. i know you can do it if you put your tiny, fashion-obsessed (omg that is so cute! you look so cute! is this totes cutes or nots?) minds to it.

i've never been known to give up my seat for any young-ish woman who is not in physical need, and i don't intend to in the near future. you, my able-bodied dear, are perfectly capable of standing up for that 10 minute ride just as much as i am. hold on tight! and i could care less about sleeping with you, so don't try to hold that over my head. obviously that strategic get-what-you-want-outta-life tactic of yours will go nowhere with this guy. the fact that you're wearing heels does nothing for me. struggle all you want. i'm more concerned about whether or not the shoes match the outfit.

stupid bitches. get up! it's 2010. find your sea legs already.