i had an epiphany just now.
i was freakishly close to posting some sad story about how an inevitable winter depression was going to set in. quickly, too. as if i had no control. the words were forming in my mind:
doom, a looming workload, restless heartstrings, severed relationships, confusion, cold, that damn Untitled store...
i wanted to write about everything i've yet to achieve this year
everything i still don't have
no clear path
no known love
no sense of security
no absolutes.
i've fallen victim to it many times in my life. a pity party of one. look at me! i'm sad!
but what i hinted at in my last post is that, while i have many things to consider and comprehend, i also have a lot to look forward to and i have a lot of new-found hope going into the new year.
i wrote on my facebook that it's time for me to take control. and i will.
if i really narrow down the reality of it all: it's not going to be yet another doom and gloom winter. it's all up for interpretation, especially when reconciling mixed emotion deep within myself, both my head and my heart on the same page:
i feel great. greater than ever before.
i have so much opportunity before me. actual opportunity. to seize. more than ever before.
i finally feel beautiful. i eat right, i workout regularly, and i have a full head of hair on my head. i'm doing something right. my nail bed is awesome.
i might be single, but i'm not down and out. suitors will come and go - my subconscious will filter the riff raff and my heart will find its equal, THEE person that i will want to wake up next to every morning of my life. THEE person that cares about me first and foremost, and for once, i will care about too - more than equal to myself...in this world and the next, they will be my first and foremost. i've never felt that about anyone before, but i know it can happen. it will happen.
i think buying my own home will be the start of a beautiful thing, too. stability is a beautiful thing and anyone who disagrees isn't in-the-know yet. to be happy and unstable is but a mirage. ignorance is bliss. to be in control of where you rest your head is a truly marvelous thing. to fully own your own piece of home in this crazy, wide open world is worth every penny you invest in it. when the world is cold to you, when people shut you out, when you have nowhere to go but home - your home will be there. and that's a good feeling amid a plethora of not-so-good feelings. i'm not nesting, i'm resting. in the peace, quiet, and safety of my own sanctuary that no one can come into. no one can take away.
also, i can date myself back to almost a year ago. i remember making a youtube video where i was like whyyyy doesn't anyone love me, wah wah wahhhhh.
i forget sometimes, i love me. duh. i don't need your attention to feel good about myself. i have my shit together. i have a good head resting on these shoulders of mine. i have the support system of an amazing family and a few, select lifelong friends that will be there for me should i ever stray from this new-found confidence.
when i love myself, with both sides of my heart, inside and out, someone else will too. when i love myself, the world is a new place. when i love myself, i will walk out of every door with my head held high, and my sight set before me.
forward.
i think that's the order to this life.
cheers.
