12.08.2009

Here's a Yelp review I wrote about Chicago's Untitled. They have several locations. Go to none, though. SHADEBALL.

Don't read this review and assume that I'm jaded. I'm just as likely to write a good review as I am a bad one...but I think it's my responsibility to inform others when a business is truly unworthy of your time and money...

and ladies and gentlemen, Untitled is NOT worth your time and certainly not worth your money.

The store means well, but the customer service is absolutely deplorable and the prices of this store are highway robbery. Who cares about their often obscure labels - you can easily find the same, hipster-inspired clothing at any Brown Elephant/Goodwill and pay a fraction of the price. In my opinion, everything in Untitled is greatly overpriced, especially given their flimsy and integrity-questionable selection, so don't even bother. Deal with the "wet basement" smell of the Brown Elephant, all the while getting a hipstery "i don't give a shit" outfit and donating money to a good cause.

However, my biggest complaint with Untitled is with their ridiculous customer service. If you happen to be in the Clark street location, watch out for the short, Asian woman who, I'm assuming, is the "Manager." She's a real piece of work. In fact, she should win an Oscar for her amazing ability to fake a smile, fake a "can I help you," and overall fake sense of customer appreciation. Bravo!

She's horrendous.

Issue: I bought a $300 pair of Diesel jeans (I know, I know - absurd) at Untitled...but when I got home, I realized these jeans were in NO way worth $300 and I wanted to return them immediately. Impulse decision gone wrong! I'm human, ok!? Unfortunately, I then read on the receipt that their return policy is "exchange or store credit only"...

Shit!

UM, that would have been REALLY nice to know before that fateful debit card swipe. It also would have been GREAT if the Manager lady would have said, "Our store has a no return policy, you'll only be able to exchange or buy our other expensive shit should you choose to make a return" before snatching my hard-earned money and grinning that toothy, fake smile. Damn you!

Regardless, the very next day, I took the jeans back to Untitled; unworn, tags attached, receipt in hand, and then kindly asked the fake-nice, would-rather-kill-you-than-help-you Asian lady that I wanted to return the jeans and be refunded my money. She then sharply informed me that Untitled only offers exchange or store credit and by NO means would refund my money to my debit card.

I said, "Oh really? Why didn't you say something? I had no idea."

Rudely, she continued "Umm, this has been Untitled's return policy for over nine years" ...like I should have known what I was getting myself into before purchasing the jeans...apparently, I should have been more familiar with the store's sales history before even entering. My bad.

In my head I thought "You little bitch, give me back my money!" but verbally I said, "That really sucks, it would have been nice if you would have said such before I bought these."...to which she replied "Sorry Charlie."

Nice. My name is Ryan, thank you for devaluing me as an adult, and more importantly, as a customer who is already plotting several ways to have you fired.

Long story, short: It's absolutely insane that a store would have a "no return policy" and not have the clerk tell you or display such verbiage in bright, flashing lights for the consumer to see before selling their financial soul: WARNING! THINK TWICE! YOU'LL NEVER SEE THAT MONEY AGAIN! is what it should read. Actually, this sign should be displayed in neon fluorescent lighting and double as a bug zapper! Every time you see and hear a bug fly into that death trap, it'll really drive the point home!

So, in conclusion, Untitled's store policy is: once they get your money, IT'S THEIRS FOREVER.

And, is it just me, or does it make zero sense to print such an unforgiving return policy on only the receipt!? It doesn't! Obviously, if I have to read the receipt to find out about your non-return policy...the damage is already done! It's too late! You have my money so tightly gripped in your cold, clammy hands that trying to get my money back would probably result in a prison sentence.

SUPER SHADY business practice, Untitled. I will never give this store another penny of my money. I suggest the same for you - take heed. There are plenty of stores that sell awesome, affordable clothes in Chicago and are not out to SCAM your money like Untitled.

And hey, Untitled, instead of acting like a big greedy SHADEBALL, maybe you should invest in some customer service training and customer appreciation courses? We're in a recession baby, and people have a choice where they shop.

Consumer beware. DON'T SHOP HERE.

Here's hoping others follow my lead and give their business to Urban Outfitters, Akira, or hell, Plato's Closet. It's the same stuff...but cheaper.

And less bullshit.