Funny story, I was about to write a blog post about bacon cheeseburgers and Oral-B floss, but was immediately distracted and inspired by a conversation with Nate about HOT PEOPLE.
You know...those people who are extra, EXTRA good-looking: perfect nose, white teeth, great hair, kickin style, hottie with a body...etc. etc.
Hot people seem cool, great, fine, everything, yada yada, but there's a bigger picture here. Yes, big picture has been my go-to phrase as of late, but that's just the way I live my life these days: big picture.
Anyway, hot people: be careful, they're never as simple as they seem. You see them, you immediately think "ooooh they're SMOKIN" and then in your shallow brain you automatically position yourself for a long, happy, healthy, non-changing forever with them, the perfect couple, two cute peas in a super cute pod. Simple, right?
WRONG-O.
Let's assume, you, the reader, are a straight male. You see a girl in a coffee shop, looking extra hot, innocently reading Marley & Me. You notice her non-bumpy nose, her smooth skin, her cute, slightly messed-up hair bun-concoction, her short skirt, legs that go for miles, pedicured toes, and the best thing of all: no one across the table from her.
PERFECT, right?
Pros:
She's hot.
She's surprisingly single.
So, you go up to her immediately, before someone else does, and you ask her out on a date. All that hotness, all to yourself. *Hindsight alert* Only later do you realize what a FREAK SHOW she actually is i.e. she has nothing nice to say about anyone, can't hold a conversation to save her life (outside of what happened on Gossip Girl), doesn't laugh at any of your jokes since they aren't in specific reference to said Gossip Girl, and to top things off, has listed you within her seen-better-days Blackberry as "Mark3."
Cons:
That hot girl is what I call a SHELL. Nothing measurable on the inside. Her outside, be it a super pretty one, has two, clear-cut purposes: A. to attract the unsuspecting and B. to house organs. She's a complete shell. What you see is what you get. No good surprises in store. That's all, folks. HOT. This girl offers only heartache and inevitable disappointment. After all, this is a girl that will text her besties nonstop amid conversations with you. This girl wants to spend time with you, over a free meal. This girl has a huge turquoise purse filled with gum wrappers, nail polish, and tampons. This girl has huge D&G sunglasses she bought in Chinatown, but admits it to no one. And she thinks she's entirely cute in them, being that she wheres them everywhere, including elevators, but in reality it just makes her hot face seem oddly smaller and alien-esque. Oh, and that smooth skin? 98% of it is foundation. Get her in some fluorescent lighting and her face is a completely different shade from her neck. Ew. This is also the same girl that on a Friday night gets ready with her girlies (typically less hot than her), puts on a disgusting sale outfit she picked up at Forever 21 (because she is forever 21), complete with a pair of high heels that she has yet to barf on, and then goes out for a night on the town for some debauchery, cranberry vodkas, and white-girl-rap-music-dancing.
Worst of all, that bitch smacks her gum.
And that's what you're waking up next to tomorrow morning. Her. That hot piece of butt you thought was so neverending-happy-life-worthy, but hindsight reveals you'd rather jump out her 4th floor apartment window then risk having her wake up and wanting to cuddle.
So it's all your fault, you shell lover you. You were seduced by a shell. Back in the dimly-lit coffee shop, if you weren't so distracted by her (at the time) incomparable good looks, you would have easily noticed that her Marley & Me book was upside down.
Now, assume you are a gay male. Part 2. Coming later.
Part 3: Not all hot people are shells.
Part 4: I don't judge, I evaluate.
