I thought this was worth reposting, and I updated it for spring/summer 2009:
Rules I Live By: the bible of ryansumner
1. Always be seen smiling. Even if it hurts. Unless you can manage a perfect Zoolander look with a nice pair of shades on. Hot.
2. Never own average-sized cereal bowls, wineglasses, coffee mugs, or conditioner. Now that it's closer to summer, no more Apple-Cinnamon Cheerios. Sugar is the enemy.
3. White socks never go above the lowest part of your ankle. Do you even wear socks with Vans?
4. Always have bread available; possibilities for quick meals are endless with a loaf of bread. 2 slices a day, that's IT.
5. Never be shirtless in a bar or club. Ever. The beach...that's it. Same goes for your Facebook profile picture. If you are sans clothing, you can consider yourself a bonafied douchebag narcissist.
6. Keep your wallet tidy and organized at all times. Nothing is worse than unfolding one of those huge, card/coupon-cluttered, quarter-pounder wallets. Gross. Also, make sure your wallet isn't in your jean pocket while doing laundry. Lesson learned the hard way.
7. Male jewelry should be kept to a minimum at all times; i.e. shell necklaces are never acceptable, nor are cuff bracelets, thumb rings, or eccentric belt buckles. Facial piercings aren't hot either, and don't even get me started on tongue piercings.
8. Keep your chin up, back straight, and shoulders back when walking. Know your angles.
9. Straws are optional. And don't chew on straws either, it looks jackass-y.
10. Keep toothbrush up-to-date. Always brush your teeth before making out with your lover, come morning.
11. Look people in the eye (or at least the facial area) when they ask you how you are doing, then return the question while keeping the focus. Until it becomes awkward, then reference the beautiful weather to bypass said awkwardness.
12. Drink a half gallon of water per day, minimum. Do not drink bottled water. It's so environmentally unfriendly and ignorant.
13. Jeans/pants should always have some sort of fit...whether its your ass, crotch, or thigh/knee. It's not always just a waist/length scenario. Avoid potato sacks at all times. And please God, I'm hoping for less plaid shorts and matching tshirts this year. That fashion statement died before it started.
14. Choose a liquor you can mix with water. Keeps you hydrated throughout the night and validates your "I never get hangovers!" statement you always gloat about. Ryan: beer makes you look bloated and not cute. Please do not overlook this factoid.
15. Vodka raises your body temperature, making you appear red and/or sweaty. Avoid it. Vodka and beer...big no-no's.
16. Facebook status messages shouldn't purposely evoke self-pity, emotional disturbance, or inner/outer turmoil. Keep it light. Facebook status updates are a form of torture and should be outlawed, just like waterboarding.
17. Also, and similar to rule #5, never be shirtless in your social-networking site's profile picture. I should have known I put this in the rules list. It's such a big no-no. And if you don't consider it one, check yourself.
18. Always lock the bathroom door, even if you're alone. And lock your bedroom door too...people have been known to come in at the worst times.
19. Move toward the back of the bus. Up front is nothing but geriatrics and weirdos. And they tend to smell the worst on hot, summer days.
20. On a first date, choose something on the menu you can eat with a fork. Second date, anything goes. Hamburgers should probably be kept to a minimum though because if it's a good hamburger, you'll have to open your mouth really wide in order to eat it and, in doing so, you'll more than likely make a horrifyingly ugly face while chomping into it.
21. Give restaurant leftovers to the homeless; you're not going to eat it anyway, especially if it has lettuce on it. But that Streetwise magazine? I can't get myself to buy it. Please leave me alone.
22. Bye, not buh-bye. I'm a firm believer in seeyaaaa too.
23. Red and yellow are not your colors. Neither is green for the most part.
24. Never blow your nose in earshot of another person, unless it's unpreventable. And if you have a sick ass cough, take it elsewhere, too.
25. Generally, 3 minutes in the microwave or 425 degrees in the oven for cooking anything that's frozen. Watch out for steam when using the microwave though. Those steam-fresh bags are known killers.
26. If you're getting ice cream, Starbucks dessert, or Chipotle-anything, you must first walk to (and later from) its farthest location, within reason. Chipotle is pretty much off the menu for the next 4 months. Think big picture Ryan.
27. Get out of bed immediately after you turn off the alarm. If you pause and close your eyes, you're a goner. This is probably one of the truest realizations I've ever had. Good thing I don't punch a timecard.
28. You'll never find what you're looking for in a bar. You know it to be true. This is up for debate right now.
29. LOL is not in your vocabulary. Neither is lol. Totes and FML are over with too.
30. Never answer a cell phone call when someone is talking to you. It's always rude. Same goes for texting. You'll get an instant re-evaluation if you do this in my presence.
31. Do not be rude to people, unless they have it coming. Let them be rude to you first then really sock it to them. You'll sleep better under that scenario.
32. Spend money on good bedding. And keep your bed made when not in it. I hate disheveled sheets and blankets.
33. Do not overspend on shoes, no one looks at them anyway unless you're a girl. But avoid bad shoes--people will judge you based on the bad ones. For sure. Not that you care, but you know you've done it to others. Vans are so hot.
34. You need Centrum. Don't forget to take it every day. I always forget to take my Centrum. I'll get better, I swear.
35. I swear, the air that comes out of the overhead airplane vent thing irritates my skin. Turn it off, or flow it in a direction that does not hit your face. And shower immediately after arriving to your lodging destination. Airports/planes are FULL of germs.
36. Trees cry when you pick off their leaves for no reason. And it's pretty much never funny to shake a tree branch over top of someone after it rains. I can take a joke but I can also get real pissed real quick.
37. If you think that it might be just a little too small, it's too small. This is about t-shirts. And I stand by this 100%.
38. Exclamations points should be used sparingly! And if you do in fact use them, 1 is more than enough.
39. One pump of butter at the movie theatre, one dollop of sour cream, and 3 donut holes, max. Anything more than that and you're asking for it. I ask for it all the time. I'm only human.
40. 180's will never touch your head again. Never again. What were you thinking in the first place? Thank god this is not applicable to the upcoming seasons. Sick.
41. Redbox is a one day rental. ONE DAY. Not two. Not three. One. That's why it costs $1. Take it back the next day. The next time you see $3 on your receipt email, don't be so surprised and feel so cheated. Don't even use Redbox, go outside and enjoy 3D LIFE.
42. Lotion should always be accessible. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. Don't forget sunblock...fine lines appear with age.
43. Make a list. You'll never remember everything. Plus, how good does that check mark feel? The best. Unless you're in a grocery store, in which case its perfectly acceptable and enjoyable to meander the aisles.
44. Do not return phone calls with a follow-up email or text message. If possible, do not take more than an hour to respond to a text message...keeping people hanging is always annoying.
45. Year-round warm weather is for lazy, uninspired people. Embrace the cold. Embrace the elements. Feel the wrath. Revel in surviving. Spring is that much prettier and summer is that much more sacred. WORD UP MY CALIFORNIA/FLORIDA readers.
46. If you're ever thinking in depth, pondering life, choosing a route--play Feist or Air in the background. It helps. Or Electric President.
47. Spelling and punctuation are almost always necessary. Also, think before and while you speak. Be aware of your surroundings. Determine a level of appropriateness. Know when to change the subject. Know when to leave. If you feel even the slightest bit drunk, do not start speaking your mind unless it's to a drunk audience.
48. Class before ass. WORD UP. This rule will never change.
49. You hate bragging. If it's on your end though, recognize the bragging opportunity and avoid it. Subtle it down. And, if all you have to talk about is working out or the gym, you need to broaden your horizons. This is the downfall of my community, too vein for their own good. Anyone can have a hot body. It's not that hard. Sell yourself a little deeper, ok?
50. Be happy with what you have, what you can do, and who you are, even when you stray from the rules. Word.
