the only piece of evidence i'll ever need to prove that twitter is mostly used by tweens & that the parents of tweens rule the economic world:

justin bieber and/or #happy birthday justin are trending topics today and most other days.

i'm not even a 100% sure of what a justin bieber actually is, although it does not sound interesting. is it a new species of marine sealife?

additional supporting evidence of tween world domination (not that it's necessary):

miley cyrus and the jonas brothers both earned over $25m in 2009 alone.

w.t.f.

i know you all have your own, personal favorite fantasia barrino moment, but my all-time favorite fantasia experience was this little song and dance:



not only do i like that song, i was crazy about the performance. on so many levels. the simplest level being that i too like to march around my apartment the exact same way.

so much goodness: i don't know if it's the red hair, the sheer energy, the quick, choppy choreography, the marching around, the clapping, the divaness, the crack flowing through her veins, or simon's dumbfounded expression during the whole thing but

damn gina!

that was a performance.

someone's learning how to walk! ahhhh parker james you are getting too big too quickly!

here's a little secret. if you want white teeth, do not:

drink coffee,
drink soda,
consume large amounts of red wine,
avoid flossing, and
avoid dental hygiene altogether.

but here's an even better secret:

i owe my white teeth largely in part to the methods described above but also because i use ultrabrite toothpaste. it was rated #1 by consumer reports for effective tartar control, fluoride offering, and whitening capabilities.

what's better is that this toothpaste is about as cheap as it gets. i think its retail price is around $1.

word to the wise - use ultrabrite for an ultra bright smile. show me your teeth!

i learned some startling information today:

for starters, i'm pregnant and i just found out that it's a girl! her name will be temetria jenkins sumner.

second, i never knew the extent of roger ebert's illness. i just remember him as being "sick." no, no...he's not just sick. he has throat cancer and he hasn't been able to eat, drink, or speak for the last two years. wow. and then i saw his picture and about fell out of my chair:



i had no idea. no idea whatsoever. and shame on me because he's a fellow chicagoan. i love and respect ebert's reviews as i believe him to be fair, unbiased, and rather genius. he's recovering well and will soon have an electronic voice mechanism to allow him to once again communicate. may the force be with you.

but i also had no idea of his family dynamic either:



didn't see that coming.

it's amazing what you can learn in a couple minutes time.

i dedicate this blog entry to all of my readers/fans in the london area.

i love you, too!

ps. i don't own any crocs but i have a fierce addiction to euro-techies.

so, i'm not a big tv buff. some of it makes me fall asleep, some of it holds no priority over doing things in the 3d world, and most of it is completely obnoxious and cringey.

especially reality tv. it's the worst and you know it. ere go, i'm no longer watching anything reality-based. ever. and it won't be a challenge. i can't even count this as a lenten sacrifice.

and i hope the same is true for you, even though you probably have no idea why i would even say such a thing. ugh.

but c'mon...i know you all get cringed-out when watching the bachelor or the jersey shore. you have to. if you don't - something is seriously wrong with your perception of what reality really is. or maybe you're just a puke. i know i'm getting a little judgemental here, but speaking on behalf of my aging generation as well as the younger ones following right behind, we are seriously in some deep shit if this is what we regard as american culture. and you wonder why other countries hate us? i'd bomb us too.

do you think people in italy love snookie? she's not even italian. but back to my point:

the fistpumping jokes aren't funny anymore. all of the bachelorettes are cashcows with spray-on tans. the real world hasn't been real or memorable since new orleans. it's been straight up real world porn. whoopie.

i know some of you love survivor, others are crazy about the amazing race. they hold some level of purpose in their taping, but even then...it's still complete garbage.

you are becoming dumber every second you expose yourself to it. d-u-m-b. yes, call me a hater...tell me how much you hate to love it...everyone says that same line. it's so bad but i can't stop watching it!

crackheads have the same attitude. plus, here's the other downside - reality tv exists because we allow it to. because we imagine ourselves as the next big star. mostly because it requires zero talent.

the only thing it requires is a shameless attitude.

inside each and every one of us is a need to be in the spotlight. we want celebrity. we want admiration for doing absolutely nothing.

we all do. ask any professional athlete's wife. or any real housewife of. it's all the same story.

and that's exactly what reality stars get - admiration for having done absolutely nothing. look at the jersey shore. i've watched half an episode and that was plenty. i've seen those idiots everywhere on tv and feel so incredibly sorry for them. on some level they understand they're being exploited and manipulated into creating a face for vanity, stupidity, and ignorance.

and sex. don't forget sex. that's what's selling their bar promotion's cover charge.

but it's still sad. even with their name signed on the dotted line of their contract. i feel bad for their grandparents.

but what do you care? you love it, you eat it up with a nickel-polished spoon. you make it possible.

but what surprise is that? you're probably sitting on chatroulette right now thinking its a great way to meet people.

but in reality you're just watching someone masturbate.

congrats society - you suck.

women of america (add in a few gays) here's something to chew on, consider, sleep on, admit, anything...just do something (please!?):

for those of you who buy or paint any of those inspirational quotes that you tack onto the walls of your home: live, love, laugh, eat, happiness, believe, hope, blah, etc., whatevs - i got something to tell you, and there's no way around it. oof...this is gonna pinch just a little...but it's the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts...

live, laugh, love? hope, dream, believe...all of it. whatever three cutesy-wutesy words you choose - it's all reallllllly tacky.

the tackiest.

some of you have the wooden kind, some of you have the stenciled kind, some of you have the free-hand painted kind, some of you have the free-hand painted wooden stencil kind.

whatever kind you have - think it over.

it's been done a million times. the cutesy factor is over. no one is being inspired.

let it go.

invest your money in something a little more 2010, like bamboo kitchen flooring.

now that's sex.

i will live, laugh, and love on some bamboo flooring.

i think i've posted on here before about my deep, unwavering objection to dog owners who think it best to tie up their dogs to stop signs, bike racks, street lamps, and other permanently cemented objects while running errands out and about in the city.

oh, you need to make a "quick stop" to buy some stamps? oh, you think it's cool to just leave fido unmonitored and strapped up to a post office dropbox, while in the meantime myself and others are innocently passing by, not knowing whether to fear or sympathize with your abandoned pooch?

he could bite me. or he could be non-verbally begging me to dognap him because he hates you so much.

have some respect. if you're taking your dog out for a walk, don't multi-task. don't kill two birds. take your dog on an effing walk and then take him home and then buy your stamps.

from now on, every time i see a dog helplessly searching for its owner through a window storefront...i'm going to steal that dog and sell him to the chinese.

now i'm the one killing two birds: i'm helping america pay off our debt and providing dinner for an entire family.

what's the purpose behind your existence?

i'm not sure what mine is, but one thing i do know is that the energy you put out into the world has a measurable effect, an effect on either yourself or someone else. i know it to be true because i am a result. lately i've come across strangers. these strangers have no idea that they've impacted my life, but they did. and i think that's the point. my mission is simple: i'm going to start smiling more. i generally avoid making any kind of physical or emotional connection with strangers, but i observed the other day an overwhelming amount of people that smiled when no one was around, smiled as they walked, smiled as they sat.

i don't know if something spectacular happened in the neighborhood or if i wasn't included on some big joke...but i encountered multiple smiley people.

and it made me want to smile more.

not only do i want to do this, but it makes perfect sense to. i'm always the first to warn others about speaking it into existence...which means once you say something and put it out there in the world, it's there forever. regardless if anyone even heard it.

so what if i put positive, non-audible signals out into the world? what happens then?

i don't exactly know but i'm going to give it a try.

ps. my next non-audible positive vibe i'm going to start doing more of is the very scary making eye contact. not the creepo kind, but the warm, friendly, cute kind.

watch out, world.

gaga and miranda!

this is some good reporting...

"Hairstylist" Sold Drugs Not Haircuts

By Ivanna Hampton
NBCChicago.com

A Chicago gang banger's "makeover" wasn't fooling anyone, including a judge.

John Brown attempted to hide the fact that he was a Gangster Disciple and big crack cocaine supplier by opening a hair salon called Beautiful Imagez in Englewood in 2005, feds said. But he was more of a pusher than a trimmer and on Thursday, Brown pleaded guilty to drug charges.

The kingpin hairstylist may find plenty of prison pals looking for a nice hair-do.

my favorite parts: "he was more of a pusher than a trimmer..." and "Beautiful Imagez."

nice.

umm...am i the only one here that feels like tiger woods owes no one an apology besides his immediate family i.e. elin and the kids?

don't apologize to me...i've never even met you. if you want to sleep with 25 whores, go right on ahead. you don't owe me any explanations. and god knows i've created my own personal miseries via text message.

plus, are we all held to the same level of do-no-wrong expectation as this rich golf player? i hope not. i don't stand up on the 146 Michigan Express bus every day and declare extreme sorrow to every unknown passenger for not having given that geriatric woman my seat.

(first of all, there were plenty of other seats available. second of all, she was wearing a real fur coat. she didn't take pity on any of those chinchillas. third of all, i mean...if she looked like she was going to fall over and break a hip at any moment, i would have gotten up. but, mam, i see a spot two rows down right next to that weirdo-lookin man reading his dorky-ass kindle, keep'er movin. take a seat.)

anyway...

what is wrong with our society?

we love to play the victim even when we are anything but.

let's discuss this article, shall we:

Tina Fey: ‘I don’t weigh myself’
Actress tells Vogue she lets fit of her clothes decide if she’s gained weight

“30 Rock” star and Vogue’s new cover model Tina Fey says she doesn’t obsess about her figure — explaining that she lets the fit of her clothes decide if she’s gained weight.

“I don’t weigh myself. I just go by if my clothes fit,” the writer/actress told Vogue in its March issue. “I try not to participate too much in the incredible amount of wasted energy that women have around dealing with food.”

Fey says that being in front of the camera has been a good motivator to stay fit.

“I just feel like being healthy is sort of a job requirement to be on TV, and being a writer is so much coping with fatigue and stress, and you just eat. You eat to stay awake,” she continued.

Before appearing on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” Fey said she lost 30 pounds.

“I’ve never gone back up,” she told the mag. “Well … I have had a baby. I gained 35 pounds … and had a 5-pound baby.”

She explained that she sees both the pros and cons of the fashion industry.

“People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’ — but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating. Maybe it just starts a shame cycle: I’m never going to look like that model, so … Chicken McNuggets it is!” she said.

“And conversely, I don’t look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and feet … the women I grew up around were curvy … there wasn’t this value on skinny, skinny, skinny. Curvy was clearly meant to be the winner. I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.”

Fey said she hopes she’s someone in Hollywood that the everyday woman can relate to.

“I feel like I represent normalcy in some way. What are your choices today in entertainment? People either represent youth, power, or sexuality. And then there’s me, carrying normalcy,” she said. “Me and Rachael Ray.”

okay, so i obviously have an opinion that i'd like to...weigh in on. sorry, i had to. this is yet another reason why i absolutely adore tina fey - her complete honesty and sense of rationality.

i live in a world that cannot escape its own vanity. close to home or far away, figuratively, i'm surrounded by narcissism. men have no sense of control when it comes to controlling their body image. they think they are in complete control, but in reality they're nowhere even close. if you want to see insecurity at its finest, go to any gym in the lakeview area. wow. also, go to any of the bars on halsted. double wow. never in your life (unless you live in LA) have you seen such insecure, attention-needy, and FIT people. these men work out incessantly, their diet consists of anything with a GNC or Vitamin World logo on it (add in some rice, raw meat, and eggs) and the juice between their heads and their muscle is FLOWIN.

these men are completely consumed with how they look in the mirror. they flex, they pose, they check out their butts, they freak out at the thought of sugar, they constantly count heads that may have turned in their direction. they're desperately seeking the stare of a stranger. eye contact is all they need to reassure oneself that they are looking good tonight. they have their tightest t on, they pout their lips, they practice their "i'm so distracted right now i have no time to acknowledge your existence" shuffle. it's like clockwork.

while these men may have the bodies that attract the eye, while they may get the attention they seek, and while they may have the notches in their bedpost to measure their success -- they are nothing but a shell. their body image is so skewed they have no real perception of who they really are. but who can blame them? with a schedule that consists of hours at the gym everyday, constantly counting calories, measuring scoopfuls of whey protein, and reading the protein content on everything that they buy...who has time to work on "the self?"

instead of subscribing to a moderated, healthy lifestyle...they're all about instant gratification. they want to look good now. they want their biceps to out measure yours. they want to steal your boyfriend or girlfriend. they want it all i.e. your attention. but could they throw a punch? oh, probably not, but to them, by the sheer size of their arm you'd never know that. but it's true. it's all smoke and mirrors. just because they pile on some temporary muscle mass, by no means does that mean they are strong. they can lift heavy stuff, sure, but could they wrestle someone and win? doubt it. show me your time after finishing a triathalon. oh, you drowned during the swimming portion? makes sense.

these gym bunnies aren't athletes, they aren't the pinnacles of health. they starve, they diet, they withhold, they push their bodies hard...there's no sense of long term personal responsibility to their well-being. it's the here and now. it's all about the mental instant gratification and measurable attention. if they're doing anything, they're building an exterior that is produced, not earned or merited.

find any of these "hot muscle boys" in ten years...they'll have the same story of your high school sport superstars. remember how in shape and goodlooking they used to be? at some point their "extreme diets and workout regimens" began to slow...and then cease...and then WOAH. that muscle turned to fat real quick. they let themself go. after all, they have no idea what a real diet is...one that consists of eating healthy, eating in moderation, and all while not depriving yourself of food with fat, sugar, butter, or anything that comes with sprinkles.

life is short you guys. tina fey said it best when she said "I don’t look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and feet."

wow is that true. what's almost humorous is - go get a close-up of any of these "hot guys" and take a look at their face. ask them to smile. get a reference from someone they recently dated. find out what their resume includes. ask them what they think about universal healthcare.

while anyone can have an impressive body, you can't build-a-face and you can't escape a delusional personality disorder.

another sentence of tina's perfectly summed up my own personal outlook on life. perfectly. i absolutely treasure the confines of feeling like a "normal" human being. i work out, i eat right, i measure the results by how i look in my clothes. i like to stay active. but i truly know if i'm doing things right if i feel like a normal human being. nothing i do is extreme. i'm not cutting out carbs or cheese. i'm not hiring a personal trainer so that i can get a six pack. i'm healthy and i'm happy. enough said: “I feel like I represent normalcy in some way. What are your choices today in entertainment? People either represent youth, power, or sexuality. And then there’s me, carrying normalcy,” she said. “Me and Rachael Ray.”

perfect.

guys - eat in moderation. be fit. exercise. go on a walk and get some fresh air. taste your food. live your life. vanity is like money...you think it's going to get you what you want out of life, but after you have it, you may find yourself at your lowest point ever. don't waste your time trying to appear like something that you're not. if you don't love the total package that makes up who you really are, no one else will love you either. nobody wants to date your ego, except perhaps other nobodies.

so be very careful. be happy with yourself. be rational. be kind. and be a good person.

think long term. are you going to keep up this extreme dog-and-pony show for the rest of your life? i highly doubt it. but if you manage to, i bet you're still single when you're 65...still creepin around that same old bar in that same tight t. how will you ever find love if you're completely in love with yourself?

don't get caught up in your bodily self-image. it's really not worth it. it's hazardous to your health. find happiness.

"I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.”

well said.

okay, michael hartz if you're reading this -- don't get mad at me. this was just TOO good not to share. it truly brightened my day.

so mhartz posted a facebook status message about elton john saying that he thought jesus was gay and that it's hard to be a gay man and not be crucified for it...yada yada.

so peeps keep leaving comments on it, therefore this status message keeps resurfacing to the top of my newsfeed. luckily, while randomly checking facebook, mhartz's status thing popped back up again and i read thee funniest comment i have probably ever read:

a man who shall remain somewhat anonymous (or perhaps not at all after i post this) left a comment saying: "try being a straight man that everyone thinks is gay"...which i thought was absolutely funny-as-all-hell and i totally get his point. that would suck.

but here's what really had me rolling...and, i'm sorry, i can't even blur out his face because it is too integral to the funny factor. here is the straight guy's facebook profile picture:



ummm, hilarious!!!!!! so everyone thinks this guy is gay? um, of course you do! why would anyone assume anything different? ugh, precious. and i love that this guy has a sense of humor about it all, because it is indeed humorous. i'm sure he's an awesome guy because of this one factor alone. i want to be friends with him so bad.

but let's also look at this scenario from a different perspective: so this guy knows he perpetuating the stereotype of a gay man in 2010 and has complete control of his outward appearance. complete control. i dress myself every morning, too. so, if his misinterpretation were truly a big enough day-to-day problem to the point that it negatively affected his life (and his love life), one would assume he'd handle the situation as necessary, i.e. changing his style a little to reflect something a little more...masculine, right?

well, you'd be wrong. this is what he is and he isn't apologizing for it. i love it. right on. who wants to purposely stifle their life or outward appearance just because people may make inaccurate assumptions?

i don't think anyone should have to do that.

but the bad thing is: we all are guilty of doing exactly that. we all judge! if i saw this guy walking down the street in chicago, i'd be like " oh hey gay, how you is?"

yep, guilty. so, obviously this guy is going to be, without fail, passed up by chick, after chick, after chick...all because of his own life choices.

and i love him for that.

because from the looks of it - he's not into chicks.

but he is!

oh, life.

uhhh did this door girl just tell lauren conrad to wait in LINE?! ohhhh she so tried to, but smart ol'LC talked her way outta that one:

is it okay if we just...you know *wink*

uh, yes ms. conrad, YOU GO RIGHT ON AHEAD!

that melody-lookin door snatch needs to be

a. fired,
b. tarred, and then
c. feathered.

look me in the eyes and tell me you don't know every single lyric to this song. i know i do.

i'll take a shower, i will scour, i will ruuuuuuuub...

i think i opened the floodgates when mentioning my "blog writing style" in a few posts back. since then, i've received numerous emales about how i write and, interestingly, my intelligence (or lack thereof).

for example, one reader wrote:

why don't you take the time to make your blog more readable? i never understand what you're talking about and it doesn't read well. it reads like you're talking off the top of your head instead of engaging your readers to a point you want to make.

my answer is this:

sooo very rarely am i trying to make a point, especially a point i want to communicate to an audience. it's never that important. if anything, i almost always write via a stream of consciousness. i have a thought, i then expand upon it via a blog post, i click submit, and i hold no personal expectation of anything happening thereafter. i don't wonder if i communicated clearly or correctly. i almost never go back to fix spelling errors after the initial spell check. i don't ask for feedback. i'm not here to impress anyone. that was never my intention and it certainly isn't something i will try to improve upon in the future. this isn't graded. this isn't going to senate review. it's not being printed for mass distribution. no bigwig headhunters are scouting obscure blog writers for the next...perez hilton (his writing ability is unarguably at a 3rd grade level beeteedub, so if he's the competition then i should be considered the freakin tolstoy of the blogosphere). so, in the words of a faux joy behar, so what, who cares?

i'm big into blogs, and i actually read quite a few that aren't on my ilike list. i mainly read blogs because i enjoy reading the varying perspectives of others...and rarely do i judge their writing style. i'm basically content if bloggers spell things correctly and use 101 grammar.

trust me, many MANY blogs read like college essays...which i don't care for. i especially hate intro, body, conclusion type blogs. it just takes me back to my college days where i wrote ENDLESS amounts of formal essays. i'm so over that. i'm not saying every blog should reflect a writing style of rosie o'donnell...but to each their own. do what you want, no one is making me read their blog, and vice versa with my own.

i think a lot of the bloggers who aim to impress their readers via a sophisticated writing style are probably non-writers who like to write. they're IT managers who write scripts. or perhaps actors who think they're jennifer lopez by being able to sing, dance, act, AND write because, you know, they're "artistic."

whatever the case may be, i can spot it a hundred miles away. so much of their writing is tainted by their own ego and, therefore, no longer comes across as super intelligent, but showy...what, with their big words, flashy transitions, and white glove grammar. laa dee! do what you gotta do, but i don't believe it necessarily makes reading their work any more impressive or fun than someone who writes like myself. i, myself, tend to gravitate toward a writing style that's a little more vulnerable...a little more human-to-human. instead of an egotistical writer building a wall between their work and their readers...i much prefer they construct a picket fence. something slightly see-through. let's understand one another, shall we? let's relate. yes, writing is a skill and we like to take pride in it if we can do so, especially considering a large portion of our society cannot write worth a damn...just read any youtube comment or twitter @response. but let's come back down to earth - blogs are about communicating. and, since i hold skill (and an education) in writing, i like to translate my writing to my audience on a slightly different perception level. i want you to read what i think as well as how or why that thought occurred. and wow those thoughts are almost never clean, literally or figuratively. but they're mine, and i want to share them with you. i don't mind showing flaw, weakness, or imperfection in my writing or within the subject of my writing. that's what a blog is about, right?

and if you don't believe that line of bullshit, just cut me some slack already. it just is what it is. i write on this blog almost every day, several times a day. so what if i don't provide you with masterpiece literature - that doesn't mean i'm lazy or stupid. in my opinion, i've been known to publish some nicely written opinion pieces...but i certainly don't have the time, strength, or energy to do that on a daily basis, multiple times a day.

i have a full-time job and a social life, you know.

and just for clarification...that doesn't mean this well is dry.

:) no sirree. that's not the case at all. i'm very excited and encouraged about the potential of you know who and you know what (if you're fortunate enough to be on the inside)...

but i'm thinking big picture here. which is probably not advisable but i can't help myself. my sister and brothers are living (and loving) that big picture. my time is coming, and i'm loving life too in the meantime, sometimes i just get a little jealous i guess.

omg i'm human!?

it's kind of discouraging. my family is growing so rapidly with all of these babies and in-laws...but none of it is coming from me.

unless you count busta bust sumner. but let's keep this real, shall we.

i'm so far from having a family of my own.

so discouraging.

this is so interesting and admirable. it really makes you think about what's important in life: money or happiness

kudos to him.

i had to google who alexander mcqueen was. my excuse: i have no fashion knowledge whatsoever. designers? um, don't really know any. if it weren't for project runway i wouldn't know who's in and who's out. fashion mags? don't read them. labels? american apparel, diesel, nike, and urban outfitter is typically the best i can do.

however, r.i.p on a human-to-human level. suicide is always so tragic.

new miranda!

i really can't wait...in a couple years, we're all going to look back and LAUGH at how ridiculous fashion glasses were. and you all know what fashion glasses are and if you're guilty of wearing them...well...i hope you at least look cute in them. if you don't know what they are, just go into any american apparel or urban outfitters store and talk to the employees there. you'll immediately differentiate between customer and employee because employees at those stores love them some fashion glasses. which is fine. to each their own. i will absolutely merit that fashion glasses look cool on some people...but not everyone, which translates to = probably not you. so, for all of our sake, i hope the realization of how absolutely ridiculous they are comes sooo much sooner than later.



see, even yours truly is guilty. actually, this rare moment in fashion glasses history was just for the sake of the photo op. that stunning pair actually belonged to the other guy in the pic, lil p(ray), who i must say looked great in them. but still, in my narrow opinion: if they're not prescription, do the world a favor - take'em off.

thanks in advance!

they never cease to amaze me. lovin hunter and jessica, as ewesh-zies. love love love em.

as ewe-sh, i have to do everything myself-skies.
yeah and this ass raider totally passed out in the dumpster behind the new W...
hi-zies.
okaaay precious...
um, i don't want you to because you work at cashforgold.com.
anywaaayz.
um ps. i totally gave dane cook an hj in the bushes at runyon.
he did.
thank you.
well fuck you, you fucking kohl's spokesperson!
yeah, cuz momma needs a refill. shots shots shot-shot-shot shots!

i wish i could somehow get paid for

pouring a glass of water,
drinking two sips of it,
then setting the glass down in a random location of my apartment and letting it remain there for quite some time...only for me to pour an entirely new glass mere hours later.

i'd be a millionaire.

and, i would love my job because, apparently, it's my all-time favorite activity considering how much i do it, well, next to not throwing away bottles of shampoo even though they're empty and have been so for weeks.

secret hoarder?

omgggg i was rolling on the ground in laughter (rotgil) while reading some recent google search entries of people querying my blog or somehow linking to my blog from a search engine...all around hilariousness. yes its my new word. anyway:



"the pretzels in chex mix are a buzzkill."

pure genius. even though i totally disagree with that statement, depending on the chex mix flavors at hand of course. chex mix presents some good options nowadays - in fact i think one flavor is entirely devoted to all-things-caramel. yum! gone are the days when you just threw some generic chex cereal and nuts into a bowl and mixed in some butter. sorry grandma! anyway, back to my point, i actually look forward to the pretzels...if there's anything buzzkill about chex mix it's easily the darker-colored chex pieces. wtf are those? whole grain?! sick. up out my face.

but still, a hilarious search entry and double hilariousness points for the fact that somehow my blog came up as a match to it.

wow. i love my life.

LML! - woah cool, i'm copyrighting that shit!

this is my kind of dialogue: dramatic. creative. altered. i love every second of it.

ps. that's also how i hit. dead.on.

revelations:

i don't claim to be fashionable. most days i wear jeans, tshirts, and cardigans. major staples in my life. i have more to offer than just buying clothes and hoping they impress someone. plus, it's the man that makes the clothes, not the other way around. or so you'll find out. too many of you think that by dressing all kooky you're gonna go somewhere in life. good luck with that.

i only use oversized spoons. regular sized spoons just aren't big enough in accomplishing the beautiful art of shoveling.

i'm often perceived to be bitchy, judgemental, critical, narcissistic, an elitist...when in fact i'm none of the above, really. do i make judgements? sure. we all do. but is any of it hurtful, blind, or caustic? no. in all actuality, i've never met someone who didn't like me on some human level. i'm very friendly, i can talk to anyone, and i have very few enemies, if any. don't assume that just because i express my opinion, frequently, that i will have an opinion on you. i'm sure you're cool. it's all cool, don't worry.

i think about taco bell almost every.single.day yet i haven't eaten there in almost 3 years. yes, i know the exact date of my last visit.

i feel like i have a lot to offer. anyone that doesn't realize that doesn't deserve any portion of it. i know i often write as if i'm hurt and jaded, but again, i'm not. i just wear my heart on my sleeve and am vurry sensitive.

i've completely embraced using/wearing a snuggie.

the way i write on this blog is completely unpretentious. yes, i write for a living. people (non-related) believe me to be a decent writer, on some level, and pay me an annual salary to do such. however, writing professionally and writing a blog are two different adventures. here i like to be myself. i like to write shorthand. i keep things choppy and non-sentencey. i make up words and i almost never use big words. respectable grammar is not on the agenda. if anything, this blog is merely a stream of consciousness/outpouring of bullshit. i almost never talk about this blog in the 3d world because often i feel people will come here, look at this dog-and-pony show, and then get all huffy when they don't understand or appreciate what i do. it's not serious yall. "he calls himself a writer?!" yes, i am a writer. and some day i'll write a book and laugh the entire way to the bank.

i don't drink pop. i don't drink coffee. i don't like red bull. my only source of caffeine comes from a minute, daily intake of green tea. but, i'm freakishly concerned that drinking green tea will in turn make my teeth green. i'm equally freakish about maintaining white teeth. what's a worry wart to do?

if you follow me anywhere or know me in real life...you've noticed that i change my mind on an hour if not millisecond basis. i'm in then i'm out. up and down. hot and cold. yes and no. you get it. don't hate. relate. i'm over it, are you? now let's be under it.

kgottago.

his love don't come with a lifetime guarantee.

never settle.

we all deserve to be appreciated 100% of the time
we all deserve 100% committment
we all deserve 100%

i deserve 100%.

anything less will never be enough.

you haven't tried like i hoped you would.

next.

does this do anything for anybody?

it does for me.



segaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! you know you did it every.single.time before playing sonic.

thanks a lot, sis, for leaving our cherished sega behind in some dumpy college apartment for some upcoming idiot frat guys to enjoy!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i miss you, tails.

hey freaks guess what - i'm hopping back on the twitter bandwagon. yeehaw!

i kinda miss it. i kinda want to start writing quips and jabs. i kinda want to stalk others.

tmi, but whatever, it's all true.

ryansumnerblog is the twitter name. wear it out.

i'll try to reconnect with my twitter friends of yore.

i promise to be better to you.

my newest nephew/niece. can't wait to see what the 6th sumner offspring will bring to an already very large table :)

don't forget the nanner over to your right. it's housing some great tunes that i'm particularly loving at the moment.

i'm absolutely crazy about imogen's new(ish) cd. absolutely love it - my favorites being little bird (featured on the nanner), canvas, bad body double, and wait it out. absolutely amazing...great, great sit-back-and-reflect music. if i can't sleep at night, i'll put in my buds and listen to her. it soothes, it calms, it makes me imagine all things light, airy, comforting, beautiful. it takes me to a place that my rem cycle can't compete with. do you smell rats in the kitchen? i do. i love the feelings and thoughts that come to me while listening to her and others.

speaking of others, my bff jfeste informed me that goldfrapp (an all-time fave of mine) is coming out with a new cd as well. SO EXCITED. i already have previewed two tracks: believer and rocket. soooooo good, i can't wait for the rest. keep your eyes and ears peeled for more jams.

annnnd...sade has a new album out and it's smokin hot, as to be expected. her sultry voice makes me melt and empathize toward whatever she's singing about. and the intstrumentals? effing sex. i'm freakin crazy about lover's rock (it's the best song to make out to, trust me) but she's produced a couple other great tracks like babyfather, skin, and i'm absolutely positive that i want my wedding dance song to be in another time. god i'll slow dance with myself to it...it's that romantic.

so far - love love love this year in music.

i really need to file my taxes. problem is: i'm an idiot.

the modern man inside me says: do it yourself. for free. online.
the know-it-all inside me says: uh, remember what happened the last time you filed your own taxes?

what happened last time was this: a couple years ago i filed my taxes online, by myself. the taxes were sort of complicated because, at the time, i had several different w2s and a couple other things complicated the situation. long story short is i made a HUGE mistake on my taxes, filed them, and then an entire year later the irs sent me a notice saying that i owed them several thousand dollars.

ooops. my bad.

so you can see why i'm just a tad bit hesitant to try this route again. typically i have someone prepare my taxes for me but i feel like it takes forever and a day to get it done and squared away with...and more importantly i want my refund asafp.

ugh. i'm doing it. i'm going it alone. turbotax.com here i come. help me god. and yall can keep your fingers crossed for me too because if the shit hits the fan again this year, i'll for sure be in the big house because my ass is broke.

funny things heard on tv today:

chess club wasn't for me because, as it turns out, chess is nothing like checkers.

let's do that thing where i talk the entire time and we only talk about me, and when you get a turn to talk, i'm just gonna think about what i'm going to say next.

let's go shopping at some age-inappropriate store and then come back here and drink your $28 bottle of wine!

that sounds awesome, but honestly i had two $14 bottles of wine and i already drank them both.

you are too cool.

first off - let me inform you that i'm barely alive right now. some kind of bug has wrangled my immune system and hogtied it something serious. my roommate just came home early from work saying that she too is sick. this apartment needs to be quarantined. apparently it's the breeding ground of viral death.

in the midst of this awful illness, i've been fading in out of a nyquil-induced dreamland, where good things and bad have been playing out in my mind. the good times included several deceased cats of my yesteryears coming back to life:

omg, where did Oreo come from? i thought she was dead!? it's so good to have you back! xoxoxoxox

the bad included me having to give a speech to a large crowd of people and i couldn't spit out any of the words without sobbing hysterically. it was so awkward and humiliating.

i'm fading again....lets talk after this bitch bug subsides, shall we?

byee.

for some reason today has been a reallllly funny day. don't get me wrong - i'm on my death bed with an em effin mother flippin headcold that is taking no prisoners. i'm about to take 3 nyquil gelcaps in an attempt to not open my eyes until thursday. hopefully, i'll a) wake up b) feel better and c) look weeks younger...

but in the meantime

watch this clip. she never fails. so, so funny. i literally laughed so hard that i went into cardiac arrest, died, saw the light, went to heaven, told jesus i wasn't ready, came back to my body, clicked play, watched the rest of the clip, laughed some more, and then made a protein shake.

suit up! put the wings on.
dear america...lofty!
...dancers...

so, did anyone watch jamie foxx's performance on the grammys?

what happened?...and why?
my lord that was awful. it was almost sad. not one person on that stage is musically-inclined. except maybe slash who played the guitar?...but uh, slash? what?

where was the talent behind any of that? jamie couldn't sing any part of it, it was of course crazy auto-tuned (hey tpain), and who was that large black woman doing back bends?

did i miss something?

who canceled last minute? blame it on the food poisoning. ok, so if no one canceled and jamie was legitimately hired for that gig, who was the suit that said, hey, we should totally give air time to jamie foxx and tpain for their smash hit. and lets throw slash on stage, too! honestly, blame it is a catchy little ditty but, um, isn't this the grammys?

it's like seeing the house bunny at the oscars. i'll watch that film a hundred times in a row without issue but, ummm.

ugh.

i don't have to say anything more. you get the drift.

i appreciate a "healthy" bod. the one god gave ya. no ego. no sucking in. you skinny rabbits and gym addicts - take a number. you ain't got nothin for me.

should i get back on the twitter bandwagon? sometimes i think of little things that i would like to verbalize, but i don't want to necessarily post it on my blog. emale me your thoughts.

life is so hard.

ohhh, shut up la teisha! la teisha shut the fuck up!



ya scaredy ass, orangutan titty talkin lookin-like motherfucker...



oh really, oh it's cuz la teisha farted? thanks for ruining my party la teisha...



ugh, she's pretty genius. love it. but don't bother watching the 3rd rendition. not funny.

just got back from the gaga concert at purdue university. you all know know i'm not the biggest admirer of lady gaga - the artist - but wow does she put on an amazing show. i was amazed and had a blast. vids, pics, and commentary to come later.

i was going to bite my tongue about saying this, but i guess that defeats the purpose of having a blog, right?

so, having many friends with careers, or at the least, interests in the world of modeling, i say this while carefully walking on a very tight rope. oh lord, how my facebook friend count will dwindle in the upcoming days, but...let's be honest with ourselves for five seconds, ok?

facebook friends, here's my advice on your modeling career:

don't count on it. i'm not trying to be the mayor of debbie downerland, and don't you dare call me jealous (that's such a brenda/kelly 90210 route to take), but some of you aspiring models are getting to be a little silly about it all, don't you think? no, no, a lot silly. enough already. yes, you're cute. wow, your photographer friend can photoshop you into an entirely different person with a killer six pack. it's all oh-so cool and boy do you get a lot of "likes it" reviews. your high school friends probably think you've totally made it. congratulations. your reward: you get to eat up this premium attention and adoration for as long as facebook exists. yum yum. get me a spoon!

but we both know it's not real.

your desperate attempt for attention is as obvious as the very real pores on your face.

but it's ok! it's ok to have pores! it's ok that you can only be perceived as smoking hot after some long, painstaking hours of immense photoshopping. have some humility! you're not perfect, none of us are. i didn't accept your friend request on facebook because i think you have a killer jawline. i accepted you because you make me laugh, or are super sweet, or, i don't know, bought me a drink?

and the sad fact of the day is this: there will always be someone cuter than you. always. your model-driven glory days are like grains of sand through an hour glass. how many female and especially male models do you know with thriving, long-lasting careers in the biz? not many. i can perhaps name a handful out of millions of wannabe models.

so stop plastering yourself all over facebook like it's going to get you somewhere. it's not. you'll only live to eventually regret it. i promise you. you will soon feel like the very fool that you are perceived to be by us non-models.

plus, it makes you look downright, no-questions-asked conceited - which, i know is a common, every day lifestyle in lala land, but everywhere else i imagine such vanity to be frowned upon.

i'm not here to say that you all aren't cute. you're all so cute in your own, unique way. god love you.

but you don't need the flash of a bulb or a d-list runway to make you somebody in this world.

you are somebody.

and you're being fucking annoying when you post "modeling" pictures of yourself all over facebook. it takes a true friend to be so honest. so put your clothes back on. set your profile picture to something that says more about you other than "royal douchebag egomanic extraordinaire."

you're better than that. i hope.

so stop it. and get over yourself.

narcissism is not cute.

was this my bad angle?

what is up with fast food being SO cheap these days? does anyone know how much money i spend on chicken breasts, egg whites, protein powder, almonds, deli meat, and fruit that is currently out of season?!

answer: TONS.

i feel like i go to the grocery store and spend 1.5 mil on about 5 items.

ugh, and all this time i could be going to mcdonald's and getting double cheeseburgers for $1. i could go to burger king and get breakfast sandwiches for $1. wendy's chicken sandwiches for $1. oh, better yet, tacos from taco bell for .69 cents.

everything and then some all on dollar menus of some sort, all for just...well, obviously $1. $1 people. you can't even buy a pack of sugarfree gum for $1. just today, a coworker went to burger king and got a sandwich, fries, and a drink for $2.30.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! does it pay to be fat? i think it does. literally.

will anyone love me if i'm overweight yet have TONS of extra cash just lying around collecting dust?!

new nano alert. i got sick of the itouch. i was a poser anyway - i don't own one and i don't ever care to. gotta stay true to myself because i use my nanner on an hourly basis.

my technological bff.

so, you should all probably iopen your itunes right now and igo to the istore and ibuy the hope for haiti now album. it's only $7.99 and features 20 amazing songs by some amazing artists. 100% of the proceeds go to haiti.

it's a win-win situation yall.

you're donating much-needed relief money to haiti (hopefully on top of what you've already donated) and you're getting a ton of beautiful songs, some even topping the itunes charts.

so go iwild: ibuy. i listen. ienjoy. and ihelp.

this is so weird for me to watch for several different reasons:

1) stephani, who is now lady gaga, is soooo cute. lady gaga isn't so much cute as she is...unique. but what a cutie, right?

2) this was taped in 2005. isn't it mind-boggling to think of the major life changes that has occurred for "stefani" since then?! i remember 2005 like it was yesterday so don't give me that 2005 was almost 5 long years ago. no, it wasn't. it was like yesterday and it's barely 2010. so, to go from boiling points to being a world-renowned, massively successful recording artist is sooooo cah-razyyy.

3) i think i like stefani better than gaga!

isn't it weird to watch this...like i want to run up to her, shake her wildly and be all like omg you're going to be lady gaga!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!

"do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly."

ugh.

confession: i sampled heidi montag's new cd and i actually liked a couple of songs.

i know, i know...this is bad, no way around it.

i haven't bought anything yet...i'm just gonna sleep on it and see what happens in the morning.

maybe this is all a big misunderstanding? but i sort of caught myself enjoying the song "blackout" and "like it or leave it"

eek.

but oh my gentle jesus her face is horrifying i can't get over it. i really hope that, like she says, she's still "recovering" and the swelling will go down and perhaps a more human-like face will emerge.

but as of right now she looks like bride of chucky or something totally creepier.

like bride of chucky II.

does anyone remember...dippin' dots?

it's quite embarrassing that i'm even mentioning dippin' dots but i was reading someone's facebook page and noticed they were a "fan of" dippin dots.

a) i automatically dislike this person solely from this one, personal interest
b) how retarded is dippin' dots?

i can remember when everyone thought it was just soooo cool. omg ice cream in the form of rabbit turds. wowee! how much does it cost? a lot? i don't care, it's the ice cream of the future! make it a large cookie dough for me!

c'mon. what a stupid idea. it was like eating ice cream gravel. there was no gratification from eating it, no creaminess, no swirling, no licking, no ice cream aesthetic, no ice cream sinfulness. basically it wasn't even ice cream. it was like eating the left over remnants from the side of an empty ice cream carton that someone in your family plowed through, yet put the carton back in the freezer because they're fat and lazy like that.

scrapings...that's all it was. at best - morsels.

it ain't enough, and shame on you for thinking it was!

never did i feel like such a moron the one time i was stupid enough to pay for such a thing.

plus, how sad and pathetic were those dippin' dots employees in their stupid, crazy white outfits working at those stupid, tiny kiosks in the mall, right between younkers and christopher & banks? god i bet they still hate themselves.

sorry...had to get that off my chest. so stupid that dippin' dots.

omg watch this gem of a video. it really captures chloe sevigny's charm and grace! so eloquent!

just throwing this out there: did anyone else want to punch chloe sevigny square in the face for her reaction to the guy that helped her up the stairs, and while doing so, accidentally ripped her dress when his foot got caught on one of the many yards of fabric dragging behind her?

first of all, her dress was the color of rapid butthole herpes. sorry, it was.

secondly, she reacted as if she was royalty or something. no, no, as if she was a slave owner and her slave just looked her in the eye or something equally horrific. you knowwww if she had a switch in her hand instead of a clutch she would have just whipped the shit out of his bare back for hours upon hours on end.

i mean it's chloe sevigny! an actress i can 100% confirm i've never seen act before! i don't get hbo sooo. sorry. but isn't that her one gig? i'd imdb it but i don't want to give her any search ratings.

and that god awful exasperated laugh!? did anyone else die when she pulled that shit?? my interpretation:

"ughahhhgh, he ripped my dress! HUHA HA HA HUHH HAHA."

"i still can't believe he ripped my dress! hugaa ha ha huhh haa!"

youtube it if you can. what a twat. i wish he would have accidentally stepped on her face.

so, of course, i wandered down and watched the clip i posted yesterday about roseanne. as soon as the dan part comes up my throat shuts, my heart stops, and my eyes water.

i can't imagine what it would feel like to lose your partner. and they were such good partners.

i think the thing that gets me the most is that roseanne and dan were both fat, respectively unsuccessful, and had a multitude of problems throughout their marriage, constantly challenging them, bringing them closer together, and sometimes tearing them apart. but they endured. willingly. mutually. they were in love with each other, entirely, to which nothing could come between them.

yes, yes i know, it was only a tv show. but it's also real life in that there are many roseanne and dans out there. many. there are many couples that stick together through thick and thin (sometimes literally) and work out their problems, sometimes slowly and difficultly, but surely, all instead of getting divorced.

i value characteristics like that in people. they're so seldom seen: commitment, integrity, loyalty, passion.

i feel like i possess these values...but time will tell. they're certainly on my front-burner.

and the pilot flame is lit.

you're my favorite moment.
you're my saturday.

you're my number one.



(so cute) (!)

gets me every.single.time. without fail. the final episode of one of the greatest television shows ever made.

"Due to the overwhelming generosity of our supporters, we are experiencing a lag time in donation processing. Email receipts may take up to 24 hours to be delivered to your inbox. Thank you for your patience.

Sincerely,
American Red Cross"

never have i been more excited to hear of and contribute to a lag time. i've sent money to earthquake victims in haiti. have you?

did anyone else see heidi montag's appearance on good morning america? ohhh dear, this is difficult. to start - i don't know about you, but i actually like heidi montag. before you dismiss me as some retarded shidiot, hear me out:

i think heidi montag used to be a sweet, funny, lovable girl. someone i'd love to be friends with. as a big fan of the hills (again, do not dismiss me just yet) i always thought heidi was largely misunderstood because, to me, she was such a good girl at heart. if it weren't for that damn spencer pratt...

besides wanting to be best friends with lauren conrad, as she is probably one of the coolest girls in existence, i continuously watched the hills because i truly thought that one day, one episode heidi would finally leave spencer and get back to who she really was. and then life would be ok. i could sleep at night knowing that my lauren and heidi were friends and that both of them would be ok in life.

after watching the gma clip about heidi's plastic surgeries, my heart dropped to my ankles. i can't even explain how saddened i was to see her, her puffy cheeks, her plump lips, her unmoving jawline, her overall face that no longer resembled the heidi i used to see on tv.

it's all gone. she's gone.

it's sad you guys.

heidi - you're in my thoughts.

these are hit or miss but this one is a pretty good hit:

i feel like, sometimes, my point here gets lost.

not on this blog, not on the worldwide web

but in life.

so i'll use this platform to let you know something:

i have a purpose. i don't know what it is, but i know there is one.

i never have the answers, instead i get completely lost in theory. i'm not sure how the world was created, be it by god or be it bacteria. either/or is fine with me.

but one thing i make no mistake about is this:

i was born a son of two loving parents, grew up in a family that set a standard of doing the right thing, always. at the end of the day, i always knew that i did what i could. and i did what i should.

i was never deemed smart by any teacher. i was never super popular. i never won any contest.

i was average.

and i knew full well of my average existence the entire time, and i still do today.

but the funny thing is that i embrace that which is average. it's practically the only thing i know. and it's never done me wrong. most times.

because sometimes my tall friends make me feel short, although i'm an average height.
sometimes i feel like i look decent, although there's always someone better looking, more fit, better hair, whiter teeth. i'll never trump on any of those things.

i have average height, i have average talent, i have average style, i have average looks, i have average hair, i have average teeth.

all of it leading up to this average persona i cannot escape, not that i need to.

although, as bad as it sounds, i've never felt particularly important. let's not confuse importance with love. i've been nothing but loved by those whom matter.

but feeling important is a different story. well, i take that back, once during my college years a professor made me feel important. she'll never know that she did so, but she did it in a way that was specific to me and me only. no one else thought i was important. it was my little secret.

i guess that's all i needed. just one confirmation to get me on my way.

since then i've met many average people. and for these people i have great respect. it takes one to know one.

but what about those of you in the spotlight? what about the forgotten? what about you?

bad? lost? misunderstood? exceptional? gifted? who determines any of that?

does it change you? if you do something considered above average, does that validate you as different from me?

maybe it's talent, maybe it's money, maybe it's luck.

whatever it is, i don't really care. i like who i am. i like what i offer.

watching the golden globes started this whole subject. they're all so impressed with one another, they marvel, they reward. but why? i'm not impressed. none of them are impressed by what i do, but that doesn't make it any less important, does it?

or any less meaningful?

my dad was a cop, a trooper, a chief of police. he has risked his life for others. he has looked in the eyes of the bad guy. he has saved lives. where's his award?

my dad isn't exceptional, but he never wanted to be. he was an average man with an amazing heart. and that's what's important.

that deserves a spotlight. that deserves a golden globe.

and having witnessed this firsthand, i'll carry on in his average image.

i'm full of heart. did you know that? i put myself in your shoes, and then i walk in them. i help. i empathize. i sympathize. i encourage. i relate. and i listen.

i'd do just about anything for a lot of people, sometimes regardless if they even deserve it.

but i'd be lying if i said i didn't want to be more than that. more than average. above average? to me, that would be like writing a best seller. to be an author, a good one at that. woah.

i want a cabin in the rockies, a pied-a-terre in nyc. i want stainless steel appliances. i want it all.

i can dream, can't i?

coming from an average family, with average looks, with an average job, with average ability...i have to remind myself constantly that, someday sumner, someday you'll find exactly what you're looking for.

in so many ways.

i am an average man. i am ryan sumner. i am you. i am every other person that has ever felt left out of the bigger and the better.

i will never be at any award show. and that's okay.

nor can i guarantee that i'll ever impress anybody...but i will guarantee you this: i will close my eyes tonight, breathe easily, and sleep well.

after all, i do what i can, and i do what i should.

the end.

someday my parents are going to retire, buy a farm in wisconsin, live happily ever after...and during all of this they also want to raise alpacas.

i don't think i've ever seen an alpaca before but i just researched them a little bit and holy eff...they're the cutest, although strangest-looking animal i've ever seen. apparently they're very sweet, unlike lamas which, i guess, are kind of douchie. but i also think i heard this urban legend that when you raise alpacas you have to buy a lama too because they are very protective over alpacas and will fight off coyotes and mountain lions?

woah cool.

um, when did the brinks home security commercials become so scary that they actually freak me out a little? i feel like i've seen a few brinks commershes that were borderline scary, sort-of creepyish but holy eff i just watched a new commercial and it had me hiding under the bed!

so, the scene: some chick is saying goodbye to some friends that were leaving her random house party...they seem to be the last to leave but then this guy walks out behind them and the girl is like, "oh hey, it was nice to meet you aj" and he's like "yeah!" flashes her an awkward, cutesy smile, he blushes, she blushes, and her friends are giving her faces like "omg he's so cute! who is he? can we fuck him?!" and she gives them a face back being like "i have no idea who this random guy is but he's so h.o.t!! i wish i wasn't on my period or i'd totally fuck him!"...

so she goes back inside, locks the door, blows out some candles, and for a second you get a glimpse of something rustling outside in the bushes. (hair on my neck stands up) however the girl didn't see it because she was too busy picking up after her lame-looking party, but us viewers saw something suspicious! so the girl is cleaning out what is presumably a salsa bowl at the kitchen sink when all of a sudden she looks out this side glass door, see's aj and is probably thinking in her head "game on!" but not so fast...aj's face isn't cute anymore...it's evil! ahhh, evil aj!

ahhhh! she screams, i scream...

aj breaks the glass door and takes a step in, all hell breaks loose, shrieks are shrieked from everywhere and the brinks system is waling in the background. aj skiddaddles. the girl hurdles her bed to answer the phone. brinks is on the other end informing her that their computer system detected a break-in (the operator of course looking like he works somewhere really cool and high-tech when you know they outsource that shit to india), he asks is she okay, she says yeah but no, yada yada the police come and the girl is rest assured that her brinks home security system saved her life blah blah.

uhhh, hello! this was some serious stuff to happen all in 30 seconds! it had me on the edge of my seat. when i saw aj's once-cute face go all evil i literally jumped! i didn't expect that! if anything i thought he was going to come back and save her or something. nope, he wanted her DEAD!

oh and did you know brinks security is now "broadview security"....uh marketing mistake! brinks is a much cooler word, duh idiots.


OMG SPEAKING OF IDIOTS - i'm an idiot because i just googled the brinks commercial and it is of course on youtube. i should have known that before typing out the transcript! dammit! oh well, enjoy it for yourself!

i think this is the most exclamation points i have used in a post! ever!

some things in life are fact.

fact

asian girls over-accessorize. i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm also not saying it's a good thing. what i am saying is that they always have a lot goin on...what, with the charm bracelets and the hats and the bags and the ring pops and the necklaces and the earrings and the scarves and the dress over the jeans with the uggs with the vest with the hello kitty tshirt with the pockets with the zippers with the sash with the you get it.

fact

if i really put my mind to it - i can cook like an em-effer. holy shizz i make some amazing food. i made myself dinner tonight and it was even better than my expectations. in fact, it was so good i wanted to puke it up so that i could re-eat it. (and you know i wouldn't do that because i have puke issues.) but anyway, yum. i'll be the best husband ever someday. even though i'll more than likely also be a divorcee because my overly-fed, obese partner will surely have to be air lifted out of our house via a crane. and the local news will, of course, run the story on the ten o'clock news (an obvious neilsen ratings dreamland) and i'll certainly never live that down. my neighbors will stare at me as i mow the lawn, call me an "enabler" behind my back. a heartless enabler, at that, because news travels fast on facebook. status: ryansumner is now single. what's a person to do though? you know after gastric bypass surgery their face never looks the same - i call it withdrawn horseface syndrome. think al roker. therefore i will have to get divorced.

fact

slow walkers should be sent to gitmo. in fact, they should be sent there on a rocket. seriously, life has no purpose for you. you only make sidewalks dangerous for those of us walking at a normal pace. i'm not saying you should rush through life, but my god, pick up your feet and get to wherever you're going already. jesus mary and joseph. do you have some bad news to tell someone and you're lolligagging about doing so? is this a game? who can walk the slowest? well, you win. ugh. it's not even fun to walk slow so i have no idea what you're doing...other than annoying the piss out of me.

fact

i'm a realllllly good judge of character. do i date what i deserve? sometimes, but most times i date beneath myself. that shouldn't come across as conceited because it isn't. we all deserve the best. the sad thing is that i always see them coming...from a mile away. and they're all the same. it doesn't take much nor does it take long for me to interpret what they're up to and what they're about. don't forget that either because i certainly won't let myself forget it.

fact

sometimes i think smoking pot is a good idea. i saw "it's complicated" last night and they made smoking pot look like a ton of fun. considering the fact that people love to smoke pot, and since it's practically a timeless, treasured past time, i'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that pot is fun. but i've never smoked pot in my life and i really like the fact that i'm so militant in my ways. therefore i will continue to be drug free.

fact

since i was a kid i was absolutely sure that working the checkout position at a grocery store was the coolest job ever. while waiting in line to purchase the ingredients for my divine dinner, i'm still absolutely convinced about that. i could scan stuff alllll day long. it never gets old. scan beep scan beep scan beep. it's heaven really! although i wish it paid better.

fact

i'm slowly becoming an alcoholic. what to do, what to do? maybe i'll get a part-time job at the grocery store...just working weekends at the checkout, happily scanning. and at the end of my shift i'll buy a classic sausage tombstone pizza (purchased with my employee discount, of course), go home, put on some sweatpants, eat my pizza and watch reruns of roseanne.

fact

that'd be pretty perfect.

i just finished watching teenwolf. say what?! i know. i probably haven't seen this movie in its entirety since the late 80's. woah, blast from the past. and i knew from the moment it came on the tv (thank you starz!) that i was about to take a hazy trip down memory lane, and that this movie would make me feel weird and reflective. let me explain: a few, select movies do that to me...you know, movies of yesteryears that transcend you to a place and time where the plot didn't quite make sense, due to your youth and naivete, but now as an adult you can relate to and interpret the movie on an entirely different level? you finally understand the real concept that was once deflected by simple innocence? it's a cute feeling. it's similar to watching the golden girls as a kid, and then watching that show as an adult. it has an entirely different meaning. if you don't understand any of that, it's okay. it's hard to explain. short story: it made me think about a few, universal truths that i hadn't before:

taylor lautner doesn't hold a candle to michael j. fox in his prime. sorry tweens. mjf isn't about muscle, isn't the obvious heart throb...he's average. and that's the point. he's an average guy with a great heart.

also

the cliche expression "the grass is always greener on the other side" will always be one of life's unsettling truths. it applies to so many facets of life. you will always want what you don't have. and, when you finally get what you want, it will never be good enough. bigger, better. you will always pass up who you're supposed to be with, pass up those that love you the most, and instead you will seek the beautiful, the wealthy, the more fameous, the all-around greener grass. and for you i can only hope that your foolishness and shallow dreams fade and that you'll embrace the things and people that are good for you.

and finally,

i am boof. and i know exactly how she feels. so many times throughout my life. but she wins in the end. and so did he.

the moral of this post: be yourself. be smart. be decent. and don't overlook what's under your nose. there's more important things in life than really green grass. and if you realize that before it's too late...congrats.

your final free-throw will undoubtedly win the game.

there are few things funnier in this life than fat monica dancing. actually, fat monica everything makes my life just a little bit better.

i'm really upset about the mileage between my apartment and the nearest papa john's restaurant.



really?

even if i had a car, it would be a little redic to go that far for pizza. although, don't get me wrong, i probably would do it. ooops. for some unknown reason, i love papa john's pizza. maybe its simple nostalgia from living a block away from a papa john's back in my iowa city days or maybe it's just that good of pizza. either way, chicago isn't trying to give them any business. now, there are hundreds of great, authentic pizza places in chicago. deep dish anybody? but apparently, there's no room for chains. even pizza huts are few and far between. oh wait, my bad, domino's is like an effing cult here, which is weird because their pizza is sick ass. barf. vom.com

give me my papa!

i think it's a pizza conspiracy. mob connection? political cover-up? this is chicago after all.

i've been so emo lately it's pretty much disgusting. i'd puke on myself if i didn't have such a phobia about puking.

(i literally cry like a baby whenever i puke. i get so scared!)

anyway, song lyrics have been hitting my ear like i've never heard music before. i swear, its like i'm listening to the song lyrics more than ever and becoming one of those people that quote song lyrics as an attempt to express oneself.

gross, right? and it's not that the song lyrics are just so genius that it makes me stop dead in my tracks and be like wow that's amazing, i've never thought about it that way before!

i do make one, small exception though: jordin sparks is a lyrical genius. take for instance these gems:

"you fire words but all they do is ricochet, you think i'm paying the price, but it's not costing me" --walking on snow

or

"all these tears are just drops in the ocean baby, you barely even cross my mind, no no, and it doesn't hurt that much, it was only a papercut." --papercut

fucking brilliant.

but like i said, she's the exception. more times than not lyrics just hit you like, oh, that's an interesting way to express a feeling that i can relate to. or maybe it's comforting to hear someone sing about stuff that's currently going on in your life. the words, the music, the melody -- they make something ugly all of a sudden seem very pretty.

i don't know what it is, but it's altogether ridiculous. i'm going to stop myself from sharing lyrics near and dear to my heart on here, you're welcome, but just know that i too am flawed -- i have an emo alter ego.

don't worry tho - you won't catch me in skinny jeans and a leather jacket anytime soon. i draw a line somewhere.

new year, new miranda.

i think text messaging is ruining communication and civilization as we know it.

it's too easy on us. our lives are becoming soooo convenient and instant and unemotional that something important is being tossed out the window. commitment, responsibility, devotion...something important, just...gone. we're all so lazy.

and i am just as guilty as you.

i hate to talk on the phone, as do many people, so how convenient is it that we can just text something to someone without having to be in an actual conversation?

perfect, right?

sort of. at first, in my opinion, text messaging was like a post-it note. it's like, i want to throw something out there, just fyi, get back to me when you can. actually, its just a heads up, i'll call you in five minutes.

makes sense.

but things have taken a turn for the worse. nowadays, i almost exclusively text people...i treat it like a doorbell.

ding dong, hello! i'm here, are you?

and what's considered text etiquette? we all have our own.

to me, if someone text messages me, if i am by my phone and am able to text back, i will respond right away. some people don't do that though, and it sort of drives me insane. but then i feel even more insane because i'm under this umbrella of delusion that text messaging is a respectable form of communication. it's not - it's short, choppy, vague, emotionless, and it's all-around lethargic. people don't care about texts...sometimes i get so many a day it gets hard to even keep track of the conversation. it's so sloppy. so careless.

it's like we're all validating the fact that none of us are important enough to press talk and be in a real-time, brain-to-brain conversation and instead punch out some letters on a screen like a monkey and send it off into satellite oblivion, where we never really know if it was received or regarded by the recipient.

unless you have blackberry bbm.

woahhhhhh nelly. then the rules change dramatically. now i know that the message was sent AND (here's the kicker) that you've read it.

here's where it gets tricky - if you sit on it...well that's enough to make any sane person go completely crazy. if you read it, and don't respond in like 5 minutes, my mind goes straight to the loony bin. are you avoiding me? do you not care enough to respond right away? am i annoying you? is something wrong? what did i do? omggggggggggggggggggggggg.

this world is so effed.

and don't even get me started about texting and dating. oh shizz. it's the worst thing ever. so many confusions and complications specific and unique to the world of texting, sexting, drunkxting. it's really quite awful.

and somewhere i should bring up the not-so-related but-sort-of-is-kinda point that, more times than not, i will only wish someone a happy birthday via facebook.

how insincere.

how 2010.

how effed up are we all? (!)

getting verrrry irritated by reading about how warm it is in LA. all my californian friends are loving their californian lifestyles in the californian sun...and i'm laying here in bed staring outside, getting all panicky.

i love chicago, i love the vibe of this city, i love how beautiful it is, it's the only city i feel comfortable in.

BUT DAMN GINA IT IS SO EFFING COLD OUTSIDE!!!!!!!! GODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

i know, i know. i get this way every winter. i get cabin fever, i get pissed whenever i have to be outside waiting for a bus or walking here and there, i get all bipolar.

it's not cute.

and it makes me wonder if i REALLY want to buy a home in chicago knowing full well that i hate 3 months out of the year here.

but i couldn't imagine living anywhere else.

or could i?

i'm imagining LA right now.

this kind of bitching will only get worse throughout the rest of this month and next. enjoy!

i recommend opening up your itunes and downloading the free song currently featured in the istore... it's by a guy/band - Dan Black - and they're promoting his new album. the song is SUHWEET. it's called symphonies.

i think you'll like it. i do.

gimme gimme symphonies...

happy new year everybuddy!