don't forget the nanner over to your right. it's housing some great tunes that i'm particularly loving at the moment.

i'm absolutely crazy about imogen's new(ish) cd. absolutely love it - my favorites being little bird (featured on the nanner), canvas, bad body double, and wait it out. absolutely amazing...great, great sit-back-and-reflect music. if i can't sleep at night, i'll put in my buds and listen to her. it soothes, it calms, it makes me imagine all things light, airy, comforting, beautiful. it takes me to a place that my rem cycle can't compete with. do you smell rats in the kitchen? i do. i love the feelings and thoughts that come to me while listening to her and others.

speaking of others, my bff jfeste informed me that goldfrapp (an all-time fave of mine) is coming out with a new cd as well. SO EXCITED. i already have previewed two tracks: believer and rocket. soooooo good, i can't wait for the rest. keep your eyes and ears peeled for more jams.

annnnd...sade has a new album out and it's smokin hot, as to be expected. her sultry voice makes me melt and empathize toward whatever she's singing about. and the intstrumentals? effing sex. i'm freakin crazy about lover's rock (it's the best song to make out to, trust me) but she's produced a couple other great tracks like babyfather, skin, and i'm absolutely positive that i want my wedding dance song to be in another time. god i'll slow dance with myself to it...it's that romantic.

so far - love love love this year in music.

i really need to file my taxes. problem is: i'm an idiot.

the modern man inside me says: do it yourself. for free. online.
the know-it-all inside me says: uh, remember what happened the last time you filed your own taxes?

what happened last time was this: a couple years ago i filed my taxes online, by myself. the taxes were sort of complicated because, at the time, i had several different w2s and a couple other things complicated the situation. long story short is i made a HUGE mistake on my taxes, filed them, and then an entire year later the irs sent me a notice saying that i owed them several thousand dollars.

ooops. my bad.

so you can see why i'm just a tad bit hesitant to try this route again. typically i have someone prepare my taxes for me but i feel like it takes forever and a day to get it done and squared away with...and more importantly i want my refund asafp.

ugh. i'm doing it. i'm going it alone. turbotax.com here i come. help me god. and yall can keep your fingers crossed for me too because if the shit hits the fan again this year, i'll for sure be in the big house because my ass is broke.

funny things heard on tv today:

chess club wasn't for me because, as it turns out, chess is nothing like checkers.

let's do that thing where i talk the entire time and we only talk about me, and when you get a turn to talk, i'm just gonna think about what i'm going to say next.

let's go shopping at some age-inappropriate store and then come back here and drink your $28 bottle of wine!

that sounds awesome, but honestly i had two $14 bottles of wine and i already drank them both.

you are too cool.

first off - let me inform you that i'm barely alive right now. some kind of bug has wrangled my immune system and hogtied it something serious. my roommate just came home early from work saying that she too is sick. this apartment needs to be quarantined. apparently it's the breeding ground of viral death.

in the midst of this awful illness, i've been fading in out of a nyquil-induced dreamland, where good things and bad have been playing out in my mind. the good times included several deceased cats of my yesteryears coming back to life:

omg, where did Oreo come from? i thought she was dead!? it's so good to have you back! xoxoxoxox

the bad included me having to give a speech to a large crowd of people and i couldn't spit out any of the words without sobbing hysterically. it was so awkward and humiliating.

i'm fading again....lets talk after this bitch bug subsides, shall we?

byee.

for some reason today has been a reallllly funny day. don't get me wrong - i'm on my death bed with an em effin mother flippin headcold that is taking no prisoners. i'm about to take 3 nyquil gelcaps in an attempt to not open my eyes until thursday. hopefully, i'll a) wake up b) feel better and c) look weeks younger...

but in the meantime

watch this clip. she never fails. so, so funny. i literally laughed so hard that i went into cardiac arrest, died, saw the light, went to heaven, told jesus i wasn't ready, came back to my body, clicked play, watched the rest of the clip, laughed some more, and then made a protein shake.

suit up! put the wings on.
dear america...lofty!
...dancers...

so, did anyone watch jamie foxx's performance on the grammys?

what happened?...and why?
my lord that was awful. it was almost sad. not one person on that stage is musically-inclined. except maybe slash who played the guitar?...but uh, slash? what?

where was the talent behind any of that? jamie couldn't sing any part of it, it was of course crazy auto-tuned (hey tpain), and who was that large black woman doing back bends?

did i miss something?

who canceled last minute? blame it on the food poisoning. ok, so if no one canceled and jamie was legitimately hired for that gig, who was the suit that said, hey, we should totally give air time to jamie foxx and tpain for their smash hit. and lets throw slash on stage, too! honestly, blame it is a catchy little ditty but, um, isn't this the grammys?

it's like seeing the house bunny at the oscars. i'll watch that film a hundred times in a row without issue but, ummm.

ugh.

i don't have to say anything more. you get the drift.

i appreciate a "healthy" bod. the one god gave ya. no ego. no sucking in. you skinny rabbits and gym addicts - take a number. you ain't got nothin for me.

should i get back on the twitter bandwagon? sometimes i think of little things that i would like to verbalize, but i don't want to necessarily post it on my blog. emale me your thoughts.

life is so hard.

ohhh, shut up la teisha! la teisha shut the fuck up!



ya scaredy ass, orangutan titty talkin lookin-like motherfucker...



oh really, oh it's cuz la teisha farted? thanks for ruining my party la teisha...



ugh, she's pretty genius. love it. but don't bother watching the 3rd rendition. not funny.

just got back from the gaga concert at purdue university. you all know know i'm not the biggest admirer of lady gaga - the artist - but wow does she put on an amazing show. i was amazed and had a blast. vids, pics, and commentary to come later.

i was going to bite my tongue about saying this, but i guess that defeats the purpose of having a blog, right?

so, having many friends with careers, or at the least, interests in the world of modeling, i say this while carefully walking on a very tight rope. oh lord, how my facebook friend count will dwindle in the upcoming days, but...let's be honest with ourselves for five seconds, ok?

facebook friends, here's my advice on your modeling career:

don't count on it. i'm not trying to be the mayor of debbie downerland, and don't you dare call me jealous (that's such a brenda/kelly 90210 route to take), but some of you aspiring models are getting to be a little silly about it all, don't you think? no, no, a lot silly. enough already. yes, you're cute. wow, your photographer friend can photoshop you into an entirely different person with a killer six pack. it's all oh-so cool and boy do you get a lot of "likes it" reviews. your high school friends probably think you've totally made it. congratulations. your reward: you get to eat up this premium attention and adoration for as long as facebook exists. yum yum. get me a spoon!

but we both know it's not real.

your desperate attempt for attention is as obvious as the very real pores on your face.

but it's ok! it's ok to have pores! it's ok that you can only be perceived as smoking hot after some long, painstaking hours of immense photoshopping. have some humility! you're not perfect, none of us are. i didn't accept your friend request on facebook because i think you have a killer jawline. i accepted you because you make me laugh, or are super sweet, or, i don't know, bought me a drink?

and the sad fact of the day is this: there will always be someone cuter than you. always. your model-driven glory days are like grains of sand through an hour glass. how many female and especially male models do you know with thriving, long-lasting careers in the biz? not many. i can perhaps name a handful out of millions of wannabe models.

so stop plastering yourself all over facebook like it's going to get you somewhere. it's not. you'll only live to eventually regret it. i promise you. you will soon feel like the very fool that you are perceived to be by us non-models.

plus, it makes you look downright, no-questions-asked conceited - which, i know is a common, every day lifestyle in lala land, but everywhere else i imagine such vanity to be frowned upon.

i'm not here to say that you all aren't cute. you're all so cute in your own, unique way. god love you.

but you don't need the flash of a bulb or a d-list runway to make you somebody in this world.

you are somebody.

and you're being fucking annoying when you post "modeling" pictures of yourself all over facebook. it takes a true friend to be so honest. so put your clothes back on. set your profile picture to something that says more about you other than "royal douchebag egomanic extraordinaire."

you're better than that. i hope.

so stop it. and get over yourself.

narcissism is not cute.

was this my bad angle?

what is up with fast food being SO cheap these days? does anyone know how much money i spend on chicken breasts, egg whites, protein powder, almonds, deli meat, and fruit that is currently out of season?!

answer: TONS.

i feel like i go to the grocery store and spend 1.5 mil on about 5 items.

ugh, and all this time i could be going to mcdonald's and getting double cheeseburgers for $1. i could go to burger king and get breakfast sandwiches for $1. wendy's chicken sandwiches for $1. oh, better yet, tacos from taco bell for .69 cents.

everything and then some all on dollar menus of some sort, all for just...well, obviously $1. $1 people. you can't even buy a pack of sugarfree gum for $1. just today, a coworker went to burger king and got a sandwich, fries, and a drink for $2.30.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! does it pay to be fat? i think it does. literally.

will anyone love me if i'm overweight yet have TONS of extra cash just lying around collecting dust?!

new nano alert. i got sick of the itouch. i was a poser anyway - i don't own one and i don't ever care to. gotta stay true to myself because i use my nanner on an hourly basis.

my technological bff.

so, you should all probably iopen your itunes right now and igo to the istore and ibuy the hope for haiti now album. it's only $7.99 and features 20 amazing songs by some amazing artists. 100% of the proceeds go to haiti.

it's a win-win situation yall.

you're donating much-needed relief money to haiti (hopefully on top of what you've already donated) and you're getting a ton of beautiful songs, some even topping the itunes charts.

so go iwild: ibuy. i listen. ienjoy. and ihelp.

this is so weird for me to watch for several different reasons:

1) stephani, who is now lady gaga, is soooo cute. lady gaga isn't so much cute as she is...unique. but what a cutie, right?

2) this was taped in 2005. isn't it mind-boggling to think of the major life changes that has occurred for "stefani" since then?! i remember 2005 like it was yesterday so don't give me that 2005 was almost 5 long years ago. no, it wasn't. it was like yesterday and it's barely 2010. so, to go from boiling points to being a world-renowned, massively successful recording artist is sooooo cah-razyyy.

3) i think i like stefani better than gaga!

isn't it weird to watch this...like i want to run up to her, shake her wildly and be all like omg you're going to be lady gaga!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!

"do not read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly."

ugh.

confession: i sampled heidi montag's new cd and i actually liked a couple of songs.

i know, i know...this is bad, no way around it.

i haven't bought anything yet...i'm just gonna sleep on it and see what happens in the morning.

maybe this is all a big misunderstanding? but i sort of caught myself enjoying the song "blackout" and "like it or leave it"

eek.

but oh my gentle jesus her face is horrifying i can't get over it. i really hope that, like she says, she's still "recovering" and the swelling will go down and perhaps a more human-like face will emerge.

but as of right now she looks like bride of chucky or something totally creepier.

like bride of chucky II.

does anyone remember...dippin' dots?

it's quite embarrassing that i'm even mentioning dippin' dots but i was reading someone's facebook page and noticed they were a "fan of" dippin dots.

a) i automatically dislike this person solely from this one, personal interest
b) how retarded is dippin' dots?

i can remember when everyone thought it was just soooo cool. omg ice cream in the form of rabbit turds. wowee! how much does it cost? a lot? i don't care, it's the ice cream of the future! make it a large cookie dough for me!

c'mon. what a stupid idea. it was like eating ice cream gravel. there was no gratification from eating it, no creaminess, no swirling, no licking, no ice cream aesthetic, no ice cream sinfulness. basically it wasn't even ice cream. it was like eating the left over remnants from the side of an empty ice cream carton that someone in your family plowed through, yet put the carton back in the freezer because they're fat and lazy like that.

scrapings...that's all it was. at best - morsels.

it ain't enough, and shame on you for thinking it was!

never did i feel like such a moron the one time i was stupid enough to pay for such a thing.

plus, how sad and pathetic were those dippin' dots employees in their stupid, crazy white outfits working at those stupid, tiny kiosks in the mall, right between younkers and christopher & banks? god i bet they still hate themselves.

sorry...had to get that off my chest. so stupid that dippin' dots.

omg watch this gem of a video. it really captures chloe sevigny's charm and grace! so eloquent!

just throwing this out there: did anyone else want to punch chloe sevigny square in the face for her reaction to the guy that helped her up the stairs, and while doing so, accidentally ripped her dress when his foot got caught on one of the many yards of fabric dragging behind her?

first of all, her dress was the color of rapid butthole herpes. sorry, it was.

secondly, she reacted as if she was royalty or something. no, no, as if she was a slave owner and her slave just looked her in the eye or something equally horrific. you knowwww if she had a switch in her hand instead of a clutch she would have just whipped the shit out of his bare back for hours upon hours on end.

i mean it's chloe sevigny! an actress i can 100% confirm i've never seen act before! i don't get hbo sooo. sorry. but isn't that her one gig? i'd imdb it but i don't want to give her any search ratings.

and that god awful exasperated laugh!? did anyone else die when she pulled that shit?? my interpretation:

"ughahhhgh, he ripped my dress! HUHA HA HA HUHH HAHA."

"i still can't believe he ripped my dress! hugaa ha ha huhh haa!"

youtube it if you can. what a twat. i wish he would have accidentally stepped on her face.

so, of course, i wandered down and watched the clip i posted yesterday about roseanne. as soon as the dan part comes up my throat shuts, my heart stops, and my eyes water.

i can't imagine what it would feel like to lose your partner. and they were such good partners.

i think the thing that gets me the most is that roseanne and dan were both fat, respectively unsuccessful, and had a multitude of problems throughout their marriage, constantly challenging them, bringing them closer together, and sometimes tearing them apart. but they endured. willingly. mutually. they were in love with each other, entirely, to which nothing could come between them.

yes, yes i know, it was only a tv show. but it's also real life in that there are many roseanne and dans out there. many. there are many couples that stick together through thick and thin (sometimes literally) and work out their problems, sometimes slowly and difficultly, but surely, all instead of getting divorced.

i value characteristics like that in people. they're so seldom seen: commitment, integrity, loyalty, passion.

i feel like i possess these values...but time will tell. they're certainly on my front-burner.

and the pilot flame is lit.

you're my favorite moment.
you're my saturday.

you're my number one.



(so cute) (!)

gets me every.single.time. without fail. the final episode of one of the greatest television shows ever made.

"Due to the overwhelming generosity of our supporters, we are experiencing a lag time in donation processing. Email receipts may take up to 24 hours to be delivered to your inbox. Thank you for your patience.

Sincerely,
American Red Cross"

never have i been more excited to hear of and contribute to a lag time. i've sent money to earthquake victims in haiti. have you?

did anyone else see heidi montag's appearance on good morning america? ohhh dear, this is difficult. to start - i don't know about you, but i actually like heidi montag. before you dismiss me as some retarded shidiot, hear me out:

i think heidi montag used to be a sweet, funny, lovable girl. someone i'd love to be friends with. as a big fan of the hills (again, do not dismiss me just yet) i always thought heidi was largely misunderstood because, to me, she was such a good girl at heart. if it weren't for that damn spencer pratt...

besides wanting to be best friends with lauren conrad, as she is probably one of the coolest girls in existence, i continuously watched the hills because i truly thought that one day, one episode heidi would finally leave spencer and get back to who she really was. and then life would be ok. i could sleep at night knowing that my lauren and heidi were friends and that both of them would be ok in life.

after watching the gma clip about heidi's plastic surgeries, my heart dropped to my ankles. i can't even explain how saddened i was to see her, her puffy cheeks, her plump lips, her unmoving jawline, her overall face that no longer resembled the heidi i used to see on tv.

it's all gone. she's gone.

it's sad you guys.

heidi - you're in my thoughts.

these are hit or miss but this one is a pretty good hit:

i feel like, sometimes, my point here gets lost.

not on this blog, not on the worldwide web

but in life.

so i'll use this platform to let you know something:

i have a purpose. i don't know what it is, but i know there is one.

i never have the answers, instead i get completely lost in theory. i'm not sure how the world was created, be it by god or be it bacteria. either/or is fine with me.

but one thing i make no mistake about is this:

i was born a son of two loving parents, grew up in a family that set a standard of doing the right thing, always. at the end of the day, i always knew that i did what i could. and i did what i should.

i was never deemed smart by any teacher. i was never super popular. i never won any contest.

i was average.

and i knew full well of my average existence the entire time, and i still do today.

but the funny thing is that i embrace that which is average. it's practically the only thing i know. and it's never done me wrong. most times.

because sometimes my tall friends make me feel short, although i'm an average height.
sometimes i feel like i look decent, although there's always someone better looking, more fit, better hair, whiter teeth. i'll never trump on any of those things.

i have average height, i have average talent, i have average style, i have average looks, i have average hair, i have average teeth.

all of it leading up to this average persona i cannot escape, not that i need to.

although, as bad as it sounds, i've never felt particularly important. let's not confuse importance with love. i've been nothing but loved by those whom matter.

but feeling important is a different story. well, i take that back, once during my college years a professor made me feel important. she'll never know that she did so, but she did it in a way that was specific to me and me only. no one else thought i was important. it was my little secret.

i guess that's all i needed. just one confirmation to get me on my way.

since then i've met many average people. and for these people i have great respect. it takes one to know one.

but what about those of you in the spotlight? what about the forgotten? what about you?

bad? lost? misunderstood? exceptional? gifted? who determines any of that?

does it change you? if you do something considered above average, does that validate you as different from me?

maybe it's talent, maybe it's money, maybe it's luck.

whatever it is, i don't really care. i like who i am. i like what i offer.

watching the golden globes started this whole subject. they're all so impressed with one another, they marvel, they reward. but why? i'm not impressed. none of them are impressed by what i do, but that doesn't make it any less important, does it?

or any less meaningful?

my dad was a cop, a trooper, a chief of police. he has risked his life for others. he has looked in the eyes of the bad guy. he has saved lives. where's his award?

my dad isn't exceptional, but he never wanted to be. he was an average man with an amazing heart. and that's what's important.

that deserves a spotlight. that deserves a golden globe.

and having witnessed this firsthand, i'll carry on in his average image.

i'm full of heart. did you know that? i put myself in your shoes, and then i walk in them. i help. i empathize. i sympathize. i encourage. i relate. and i listen.

i'd do just about anything for a lot of people, sometimes regardless if they even deserve it.

but i'd be lying if i said i didn't want to be more than that. more than average. above average? to me, that would be like writing a best seller. to be an author, a good one at that. woah.

i want a cabin in the rockies, a pied-a-terre in nyc. i want stainless steel appliances. i want it all.

i can dream, can't i?

coming from an average family, with average looks, with an average job, with average ability...i have to remind myself constantly that, someday sumner, someday you'll find exactly what you're looking for.

in so many ways.

i am an average man. i am ryan sumner. i am you. i am every other person that has ever felt left out of the bigger and the better.

i will never be at any award show. and that's okay.

nor can i guarantee that i'll ever impress anybody...but i will guarantee you this: i will close my eyes tonight, breathe easily, and sleep well.

after all, i do what i can, and i do what i should.

the end.

someday my parents are going to retire, buy a farm in wisconsin, live happily ever after...and during all of this they also want to raise alpacas.

i don't think i've ever seen an alpaca before but i just researched them a little bit and holy eff...they're the cutest, although strangest-looking animal i've ever seen. apparently they're very sweet, unlike lamas which, i guess, are kind of douchie. but i also think i heard this urban legend that when you raise alpacas you have to buy a lama too because they are very protective over alpacas and will fight off coyotes and mountain lions?

woah cool.

um, when did the brinks home security commercials become so scary that they actually freak me out a little? i feel like i've seen a few brinks commershes that were borderline scary, sort-of creepyish but holy eff i just watched a new commercial and it had me hiding under the bed!

so, the scene: some chick is saying goodbye to some friends that were leaving her random house party...they seem to be the last to leave but then this guy walks out behind them and the girl is like, "oh hey, it was nice to meet you aj" and he's like "yeah!" flashes her an awkward, cutesy smile, he blushes, she blushes, and her friends are giving her faces like "omg he's so cute! who is he? can we fuck him?!" and she gives them a face back being like "i have no idea who this random guy is but he's so h.o.t!! i wish i wasn't on my period or i'd totally fuck him!"...

so she goes back inside, locks the door, blows out some candles, and for a second you get a glimpse of something rustling outside in the bushes. (hair on my neck stands up) however the girl didn't see it because she was too busy picking up after her lame-looking party, but us viewers saw something suspicious! so the girl is cleaning out what is presumably a salsa bowl at the kitchen sink when all of a sudden she looks out this side glass door, see's aj and is probably thinking in her head "game on!" but not so fast...aj's face isn't cute anymore...it's evil! ahhh, evil aj!

ahhhh! she screams, i scream...

aj breaks the glass door and takes a step in, all hell breaks loose, shrieks are shrieked from everywhere and the brinks system is waling in the background. aj skiddaddles. the girl hurdles her bed to answer the phone. brinks is on the other end informing her that their computer system detected a break-in (the operator of course looking like he works somewhere really cool and high-tech when you know they outsource that shit to india), he asks is she okay, she says yeah but no, yada yada the police come and the girl is rest assured that her brinks home security system saved her life blah blah.

uhhh, hello! this was some serious stuff to happen all in 30 seconds! it had me on the edge of my seat. when i saw aj's once-cute face go all evil i literally jumped! i didn't expect that! if anything i thought he was going to come back and save her or something. nope, he wanted her DEAD!

oh and did you know brinks security is now "broadview security"....uh marketing mistake! brinks is a much cooler word, duh idiots.


OMG SPEAKING OF IDIOTS - i'm an idiot because i just googled the brinks commercial and it is of course on youtube. i should have known that before typing out the transcript! dammit! oh well, enjoy it for yourself!

i think this is the most exclamation points i have used in a post! ever!

some things in life are fact.

fact

asian girls over-accessorize. i'm not saying it's a bad thing. i'm also not saying it's a good thing. what i am saying is that they always have a lot goin on...what, with the charm bracelets and the hats and the bags and the ring pops and the necklaces and the earrings and the scarves and the dress over the jeans with the uggs with the vest with the hello kitty tshirt with the pockets with the zippers with the sash with the you get it.

fact

if i really put my mind to it - i can cook like an em-effer. holy shizz i make some amazing food. i made myself dinner tonight and it was even better than my expectations. in fact, it was so good i wanted to puke it up so that i could re-eat it. (and you know i wouldn't do that because i have puke issues.) but anyway, yum. i'll be the best husband ever someday. even though i'll more than likely also be a divorcee because my overly-fed, obese partner will surely have to be air lifted out of our house via a crane. and the local news will, of course, run the story on the ten o'clock news (an obvious neilsen ratings dreamland) and i'll certainly never live that down. my neighbors will stare at me as i mow the lawn, call me an "enabler" behind my back. a heartless enabler, at that, because news travels fast on facebook. status: ryansumner is now single. what's a person to do though? you know after gastric bypass surgery their face never looks the same - i call it withdrawn horseface syndrome. think al roker. therefore i will have to get divorced.

fact

slow walkers should be sent to gitmo. in fact, they should be sent there on a rocket. seriously, life has no purpose for you. you only make sidewalks dangerous for those of us walking at a normal pace. i'm not saying you should rush through life, but my god, pick up your feet and get to wherever you're going already. jesus mary and joseph. do you have some bad news to tell someone and you're lolligagging about doing so? is this a game? who can walk the slowest? well, you win. ugh. it's not even fun to walk slow so i have no idea what you're doing...other than annoying the piss out of me.

fact

i'm a realllllly good judge of character. do i date what i deserve? sometimes, but most times i date beneath myself. that shouldn't come across as conceited because it isn't. we all deserve the best. the sad thing is that i always see them coming...from a mile away. and they're all the same. it doesn't take much nor does it take long for me to interpret what they're up to and what they're about. don't forget that either because i certainly won't let myself forget it.

fact

sometimes i think smoking pot is a good idea. i saw "it's complicated" last night and they made smoking pot look like a ton of fun. considering the fact that people love to smoke pot, and since it's practically a timeless, treasured past time, i'm going to go ahead and make the assumption that pot is fun. but i've never smoked pot in my life and i really like the fact that i'm so militant in my ways. therefore i will continue to be drug free.

fact

since i was a kid i was absolutely sure that working the checkout position at a grocery store was the coolest job ever. while waiting in line to purchase the ingredients for my divine dinner, i'm still absolutely convinced about that. i could scan stuff alllll day long. it never gets old. scan beep scan beep scan beep. it's heaven really! although i wish it paid better.

fact

i'm slowly becoming an alcoholic. what to do, what to do? maybe i'll get a part-time job at the grocery store...just working weekends at the checkout, happily scanning. and at the end of my shift i'll buy a classic sausage tombstone pizza (purchased with my employee discount, of course), go home, put on some sweatpants, eat my pizza and watch reruns of roseanne.

fact

that'd be pretty perfect.

i just finished watching teenwolf. say what?! i know. i probably haven't seen this movie in its entirety since the late 80's. woah, blast from the past. and i knew from the moment it came on the tv (thank you starz!) that i was about to take a hazy trip down memory lane, and that this movie would make me feel weird and reflective. let me explain: a few, select movies do that to me...you know, movies of yesteryears that transcend you to a place and time where the plot didn't quite make sense, due to your youth and naivete, but now as an adult you can relate to and interpret the movie on an entirely different level? you finally understand the real concept that was once deflected by simple innocence? it's a cute feeling. it's similar to watching the golden girls as a kid, and then watching that show as an adult. it has an entirely different meaning. if you don't understand any of that, it's okay. it's hard to explain. short story: it made me think about a few, universal truths that i hadn't before:

taylor lautner doesn't hold a candle to michael j. fox in his prime. sorry tweens. mjf isn't about muscle, isn't the obvious heart throb...he's average. and that's the point. he's an average guy with a great heart.

also

the cliche expression "the grass is always greener on the other side" will always be one of life's unsettling truths. it applies to so many facets of life. you will always want what you don't have. and, when you finally get what you want, it will never be good enough. bigger, better. you will always pass up who you're supposed to be with, pass up those that love you the most, and instead you will seek the beautiful, the wealthy, the more fameous, the all-around greener grass. and for you i can only hope that your foolishness and shallow dreams fade and that you'll embrace the things and people that are good for you.

and finally,

i am boof. and i know exactly how she feels. so many times throughout my life. but she wins in the end. and so did he.

the moral of this post: be yourself. be smart. be decent. and don't overlook what's under your nose. there's more important things in life than really green grass. and if you realize that before it's too late...congrats.

your final free-throw will undoubtedly win the game.

there are few things funnier in this life than fat monica dancing. actually, fat monica everything makes my life just a little bit better.

i'm really upset about the mileage between my apartment and the nearest papa john's restaurant.



really?

even if i had a car, it would be a little redic to go that far for pizza. although, don't get me wrong, i probably would do it. ooops. for some unknown reason, i love papa john's pizza. maybe its simple nostalgia from living a block away from a papa john's back in my iowa city days or maybe it's just that good of pizza. either way, chicago isn't trying to give them any business. now, there are hundreds of great, authentic pizza places in chicago. deep dish anybody? but apparently, there's no room for chains. even pizza huts are few and far between. oh wait, my bad, domino's is like an effing cult here, which is weird because their pizza is sick ass. barf. vom.com

give me my papa!

i think it's a pizza conspiracy. mob connection? political cover-up? this is chicago after all.

i've been so emo lately it's pretty much disgusting. i'd puke on myself if i didn't have such a phobia about puking.

(i literally cry like a baby whenever i puke. i get so scared!)

anyway, song lyrics have been hitting my ear like i've never heard music before. i swear, its like i'm listening to the song lyrics more than ever and becoming one of those people that quote song lyrics as an attempt to express oneself.

gross, right? and it's not that the song lyrics are just so genius that it makes me stop dead in my tracks and be like wow that's amazing, i've never thought about it that way before!

i do make one, small exception though: jordin sparks is a lyrical genius. take for instance these gems:

"you fire words but all they do is ricochet, you think i'm paying the price, but it's not costing me" --walking on snow

or

"all these tears are just drops in the ocean baby, you barely even cross my mind, no no, and it doesn't hurt that much, it was only a papercut." --papercut

fucking brilliant.

but like i said, she's the exception. more times than not lyrics just hit you like, oh, that's an interesting way to express a feeling that i can relate to. or maybe it's comforting to hear someone sing about stuff that's currently going on in your life. the words, the music, the melody -- they make something ugly all of a sudden seem very pretty.

i don't know what it is, but it's altogether ridiculous. i'm going to stop myself from sharing lyrics near and dear to my heart on here, you're welcome, but just know that i too am flawed -- i have an emo alter ego.

don't worry tho - you won't catch me in skinny jeans and a leather jacket anytime soon. i draw a line somewhere.

new year, new miranda.

i think text messaging is ruining communication and civilization as we know it.

it's too easy on us. our lives are becoming soooo convenient and instant and unemotional that something important is being tossed out the window. commitment, responsibility, devotion...something important, just...gone. we're all so lazy.

and i am just as guilty as you.

i hate to talk on the phone, as do many people, so how convenient is it that we can just text something to someone without having to be in an actual conversation?

perfect, right?

sort of. at first, in my opinion, text messaging was like a post-it note. it's like, i want to throw something out there, just fyi, get back to me when you can. actually, its just a heads up, i'll call you in five minutes.

makes sense.

but things have taken a turn for the worse. nowadays, i almost exclusively text people...i treat it like a doorbell.

ding dong, hello! i'm here, are you?

and what's considered text etiquette? we all have our own.

to me, if someone text messages me, if i am by my phone and am able to text back, i will respond right away. some people don't do that though, and it sort of drives me insane. but then i feel even more insane because i'm under this umbrella of delusion that text messaging is a respectable form of communication. it's not - it's short, choppy, vague, emotionless, and it's all-around lethargic. people don't care about texts...sometimes i get so many a day it gets hard to even keep track of the conversation. it's so sloppy. so careless.

it's like we're all validating the fact that none of us are important enough to press talk and be in a real-time, brain-to-brain conversation and instead punch out some letters on a screen like a monkey and send it off into satellite oblivion, where we never really know if it was received or regarded by the recipient.

unless you have blackberry bbm.

woahhhhhh nelly. then the rules change dramatically. now i know that the message was sent AND (here's the kicker) that you've read it.

here's where it gets tricky - if you sit on it...well that's enough to make any sane person go completely crazy. if you read it, and don't respond in like 5 minutes, my mind goes straight to the loony bin. are you avoiding me? do you not care enough to respond right away? am i annoying you? is something wrong? what did i do? omggggggggggggggggggggggg.

this world is so effed.

and don't even get me started about texting and dating. oh shizz. it's the worst thing ever. so many confusions and complications specific and unique to the world of texting, sexting, drunkxting. it's really quite awful.

and somewhere i should bring up the not-so-related but-sort-of-is-kinda point that, more times than not, i will only wish someone a happy birthday via facebook.

how insincere.

how 2010.

how effed up are we all? (!)

getting verrrry irritated by reading about how warm it is in LA. all my californian friends are loving their californian lifestyles in the californian sun...and i'm laying here in bed staring outside, getting all panicky.

i love chicago, i love the vibe of this city, i love how beautiful it is, it's the only city i feel comfortable in.

BUT DAMN GINA IT IS SO EFFING COLD OUTSIDE!!!!!!!! GODDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

i know, i know. i get this way every winter. i get cabin fever, i get pissed whenever i have to be outside waiting for a bus or walking here and there, i get all bipolar.

it's not cute.

and it makes me wonder if i REALLY want to buy a home in chicago knowing full well that i hate 3 months out of the year here.

but i couldn't imagine living anywhere else.

or could i?

i'm imagining LA right now.

this kind of bitching will only get worse throughout the rest of this month and next. enjoy!

i recommend opening up your itunes and downloading the free song currently featured in the istore... it's by a guy/band - Dan Black - and they're promoting his new album. the song is SUHWEET. it's called symphonies.

i think you'll like it. i do.

gimme gimme symphonies...

happy new year everybuddy!

hey yall. back from christmas vacation. fyi i literally gained 3 lbs, which is fine because sometimes i feel like i have the body of a 16 yr old. i'm a work in progress and i think this extra layer will be put to good use come spring.

i've been spending a lot of time taking mid-morning and mid-afternoon naps. you know - wake up, eat breakfast, take a nap, wake up, eat lunch, take another nap, and then i get my second wind around 4 pm that'll last through the end of the evening (9:30 pm). and then i zonk out again like i haven't slept in days.

oof.

yes, my life was that hard for seven days. oh, and did i mention i ate my face off the entire time? important to note. woah.

at any rate, stay tuned for an important youtube video that i'll be posting between now and sometime friday.

things are changing.

both sides now:
like i'm the first person to ever have to talk about this
trust me, i hate that i have to
that it's me
a different page, a different cloud
i looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun
they rain and they snow on everyone
we've all had our hopes held high
only to have them come crashing down
hard
i'm not the first person to put myself out there
but boy am i a glutton for punishment
tears and fears and feeling proud
telling you what i felt, right out loud
giving the benefit of the doubt to those who never earned it in the first place
spreading notions of happiness
i now have to dust under the rug
as if they were never there
reveling in future miseries
poking the bear
the bear being whatever it is i'm looking for, looking at
poking at it with a hesitant curiosity
stupid me
bears are never trying to be poked, and i learn that the hard way
each time.
and if you can, don't let them know
don't give yourself away.
why do i constantly feel like stuart smalley on here?
i'm good enough
i'm smart enough
and dog gone'it people like me.
oh really? then why i am listening to joni mitchell right now?
for starters, it's not because i'm happy.
i really don't know why
i really don't know what
but i do know it's masochistic.
set'em up take'em down
something's lost, but something's gained
but what?
i really don't know life at all.
i don't live in the twilight world nor does a new moon shine upon me
yet
but someday i will feel like bella.
i cringed as i wrote that, but i'm going to keep it there.
it's honest, and that's a start
oh but now, old friends they're acting strange
and they shake their heads
and they tell me that i've changed.
i don't need that.
and if i wanted that desperate feeling of validation
drowning in a dark sea of insecurity
i'd look in a mirror
leaving post-its of all my flaws, reasons why, what i probably did
what probably happened
probably.
and why things like this happen.
fuck.
what happened to me?
well, while i'm here in the mirror, peering through the post-its
might as well take a step back, reaffirm
i'm smart enough
i'm good enough
and dog gone'it people like me.
i feel a little better.
for now.
at any rate, i'm rambling
i ramble because i don't know what else to do
so many things i would have done,
but clouds got in my way.
i just want something more to this life
someone tell me to sit back and relax
and enjoy it all
but clouds got in my way.

it's life's illusions that i recall
i really don't know life, i really don't know life at all.

for your christmas present, i'm giving you the gift of laughter. you're welcome.

i was saddened to hear yesterday that murphy brown died from cardiac arrest. her memory will always remain in my heart and her reruns forever will be cherished on my dvd box set.

rip murph.

for some reason i just started thinking about giraffes. they're such a crazy looking animal, it's kind of weird that they exist. sometimes i forget they exist. it would be weird to see one in nature because i feel as if they're so alien-esque.

there's just something not right about their existence. what is it? they have to be a direct descendant of the dinosaurs, right? they're so weird.

and then i started wondering, do they swim? how do they sleep?

i spent some time on google looking at giraffes and became weirdly obsessed about learning everything i could about them. i spent quite some time looking at images as well. i also noticed that they sleep in a very non-comfortable-looking position. they must not get much sleep.

do they get attacked by lions and tigers much? i feel like they're an easy target.

i never expected giraffes to dominate my mind like this. oh well.

coke or pepsi? either
diet coke or diet pepsi? either
bud lite or miller lite? either
prego or ragu? either
sprite, sierra mist, or 7up? love'em all.
miracle whip or hellman's? either.

i just realized my tastes know no limits. i like just about everything. except fish. i wish i liked sushi because i would no longer have to hear all of the bullshiz about "omg you don't like sushi? i loooove sushi yum yum yum..."

at any rate, are you one of those people that freak out at restaurants when you ask for a pepsi and they say "is coke okay?" and then you snap back, "no, it's not okay, just water then."

i just had a hankering for some fountain cherry cola. so, whilst at 711 to purchase such a thing, i was given the choice of both pepsi or coke to add some cherry yumminess to. i couldn't figure out if i had a preference, so i just went with pepsi.

then it hit me how rare that is to just be like uhhhhh whatevs, both are okay with me. i feel like people are much more particular. especially about bud vs. miller too. miller is a very distinct taste, but i like it. bud just tastes like beer, which i like, so i can easily drink that as well. but i could drink bud, miller, coors, michelob, or hell, even some pbr. it's all the same, really.

god i'm so cool.

this month's gq was surprisingly thin. i was so pissed when i picked it up and noticed its lack of substance. what up, gq...surely you can fit a few more articles on how to tie a tie or iron a button-up correctly. that's why i subscribe. oh, and the cologne samples...keep them coming. i'm particularly found of givenchy's play, no?

at any rate, rihanna is completely naked up in that joint. remember when gq featured bruno on the cover and everyone got all up in arms about the fact that you could almost see his butt? some vendors wouldn't sell it, others put a black cardboard square over it...ugh. such miserable double standards. that's probably why men rape women (yeah, i said it). the female body apparently has no voyeuristic limitations and men feel no real sense of taboo toward seeing it. it's all out there for you to lust after because, duh, sex sells and we sell it by the ounce. we'll endlessly expose/exploit a woman to all angles possible but when it comes to men...well, lets allow the censor board to deem what's tasteful and what's borderline homo. unless you properly follow it up with a no homo, like they do in the rap world i so love and respect. jigga please.

but, while i believe america is overly uptight when it comes to sexuality and nudity, this is a different level of peculiarity. it's like on cinemax when they won't show male frontal nudity yet they'll gladly reveal every square inch of the lead female's naughty bits (and don't forget all the girl-on-girl scenes!). no homo...oh wait, this is the acceptable form of homo. homo! or like how adam lambert kissed a guy and was shunned from abc and good morning america viewers (it was too early to see such things!) but madonna, britney, and xtina practically tripled kiss live, on-air and that uncensored footage was shown around the world for years to come. and how long have those cougars on the view been kissing each other for the morning crowd? tons of times...sick ass. baba wawa kissing joy behar ain't no walk in the park either.

but who cares, i'll pick my battles better, after all, adam lambert is a pudgy, freckley, red-headed gone black-headed, foundation-laced trailer trash twatbag who's trying to be the next big thing via his shrill-riffic, emo-style yodeling. it's like ricolaaaaa with a punk rock edge. censor him to extinction, if you ask me. which no one does.

but, my real point was to applaud the facebook article some gq editor wrote about the 18 people you hate on facebook. it's about how typical some people are when it comes to posting status updates...the new mom who loves the fact that she's a new mom, the emo girl who is always in pain, the self promoter who is always doing something way cooler than you, the person who thinks you might be interested in/amused by the fact that they're eating breakfast for dinner, etc etc.

it's hilarious and oh-so true. you'll all fill in the blanks with your own annoying FB peeps. pick up a copy today and love it. maybe, just maybe, the generated sales will help make the next gq issue a little thicker.

fingers crossed.

i love this. only in chicago. these are my kind of peeps.

tiger.

i feel for him. forget about dignity (who needs it?) the one thing the guy has going for him is golf and he doesn't even have that anymore (and don't you dare say he's attractive...i don't care what any of you say, if tiger was just an average joe like you and i, no one would look at him and say, oooh yes please! my body is yours! sleep with me! his fame and money are the only aspects of his appeal. that's how athletes and rockstars do it. duh, wake up.) and who even cares about golf? but regardless, seemingly innocent blasian golf player, earning a living, making a fat paycheck, but BOOM, scandal. life = over. mr. perfect is not so perfect after all. not even close to perfect, not even close to respectable that dog. no, no...that DOG.

god what a dog. okay, let me restate what i said earlier. in some capacity, i feel for him. guys do this shit all the time and no one cares. it's so common its barely even newsworthy. but tiger is a public figure and wow do we know his personal business. and the reveal of it is mortifying. all of those women. all of those secrets. all of those lies.

the pain i feel for elin is immeasurable. at least she has an $80mil prenup to snuggle up to at night. that's some kind of solace, right?

one thing i know for sure is that tiger ruined marriage for me. seems like an odd stance, i agree, but i feel like a lot of people have been indirectly affected by his scandal. it's an eyeopener at the very least. personally, i've always maintained a rosy image of what marriage is. my parents have been happily married my entire life. i can count on one hand the times i've seen them be in a legitimate argument with one another. same goes for my grandparents and my friends' parents and just about everyone i know.

and i've always had a sunny disposition on spending my life with one person. i would never be like tiger, or anything even close to that. i'm great at relationships. although honestly i've only been in 3 or 4. which doesn't matter - it's not the amount of relationships you've experienced - i would rather be with someone who has been in a few relationships versus someone who has been in many. quality versus quantity. regardless, i think my presence and contributions within my own, select relationships were never the reason behind the breakups. i know that sounds absurd and conceited, but at least it's true to me. they've either been long distance gone awry, liars, cheaters, alcoholics, losers, or something along those lines. maybe i don't know how to pick them?

eesh.

at any rate, i've given everything of myself to be in these relationships. one relationship specifically i gave up literally everything i had and wanted. and it came back to bite me in the ass.

such is life.

and i know that people have flaws, and i often overlook them in pursuit of someone's actual essence. my exes cannot say that i didn't give them the benefit of the doubt. i always do. i see beyond stereotypes, beyond body image, beyond money, beyond whatever it is that may make them less than perfect.

but to no avail. maybe i should expect more?

and this tiger deal is the cherry on that shit sundae. tiger has/had a beautiful wife, he has a family, he has a dog, he has a dream home, he has a dream job...he has everything he could ever ask for. except control.

i feel like no one has control these days. if a man who has everything still needs more...what hope is there for you and i?

we don't have everything and we will always want more. so, in this day and age, can two individuals even enter a marriage that will stand the test of a broken society by lasting and persevering? there will of course be ups and downs, good times and bad, but can a marriage persevere without infidelity?

i think not. mostly on your end of the deal because, personally, i would never cheat, but sooo many people would. even the ones we least suspect.

we all thought Leann Rimes was such a cute, wholesome country girl but what a two-timing whore she turned out to be. same goes for tiger (minus the country girl part). and many, many countless non-celebrities before and after them.

it's almost like a guarantee. you will be cheated on in this lifetime.

which makes me want to never be married. what is a marriage besides a legal document? a free pass into the ER should your spouse be near death? a golden ticket of inheritance and 50/50 settlements?

it's not much more than that. and to me, none of that tips the scale in favor of an i do. maybe i'm jaded, or maybe i just took off my rose colored glasses.

maybe i'll change my mind. maybe someone will help me change my mind. but right now i'm sooo right.

plus, oprah isn't married.

case closed.

oh yeah and hey peeps, in case you didn't notice, i updated my nano to an itouch. my nano has been on my nerves lately so i thought i'd pull an upgrade.

some great tunes on this playlist, appropriately entitled warm your soul. not only are these songs something to think about, through my interpretations, they've also made me feel some...feelings.

i'm not crazy about the new rihanna album, but there are a few slower ones that speak to me. cold case love in particular. also, one of my all time favorite artists, electric president, is worth a listen. their album, sleep well, is one of my top, all-time favorite albums in the wizzorld. woah.

the rest are pretty stellar as well. check them out and let the warming/feeling begin.

i had an epiphany just now.

i was freakishly close to posting some sad story about how an inevitable winter depression was going to set in. quickly, too. as if i had no control. the words were forming in my mind:

doom, a looming workload, restless heartstrings, severed relationships, confusion, cold, that damn Untitled store...

i wanted to write about everything i've yet to achieve this year
everything i still don't have
no clear path
no known love
no sense of security
no absolutes.

i've fallen victim to it many times in my life. a pity party of one. look at me! i'm sad!

but what i hinted at in my last post is that, while i have many things to consider and comprehend, i also have a lot to look forward to and i have a lot of new-found hope going into the new year.

i wrote on my facebook that it's time for me to take control. and i will.

if i really narrow down the reality of it all: it's not going to be yet another doom and gloom winter. it's all up for interpretation, especially when reconciling mixed emotion deep within myself, both my head and my heart on the same page:

i feel great. greater than ever before.
i have so much opportunity before me. actual opportunity. to seize. more than ever before.
i finally feel beautiful. i eat right, i workout regularly, and i have a full head of hair on my head. i'm doing something right. my nail bed is awesome.
i might be single, but i'm not down and out. suitors will come and go - my subconscious will filter the riff raff and my heart will find its equal, THEE person that i will want to wake up next to every morning of my life. THEE person that cares about me first and foremost, and for once, i will care about too - more than equal to myself...in this world and the next, they will be my first and foremost. i've never felt that about anyone before, but i know it can happen. it will happen.

i think buying my own home will be the start of a beautiful thing, too. stability is a beautiful thing and anyone who disagrees isn't in-the-know yet. to be happy and unstable is but a mirage. ignorance is bliss. to be in control of where you rest your head is a truly marvelous thing. to fully own your own piece of home in this crazy, wide open world is worth every penny you invest in it. when the world is cold to you, when people shut you out, when you have nowhere to go but home - your home will be there. and that's a good feeling amid a plethora of not-so-good feelings. i'm not nesting, i'm resting. in the peace, quiet, and safety of my own sanctuary that no one can come into. no one can take away.

also, i can date myself back to almost a year ago. i remember making a youtube video where i was like whyyyy doesn't anyone love me, wah wah wahhhhh.

i forget sometimes, i love me. duh. i don't need your attention to feel good about myself. i have my shit together. i have a good head resting on these shoulders of mine. i have the support system of an amazing family and a few, select lifelong friends that will be there for me should i ever stray from this new-found confidence.

when i love myself, with both sides of my heart, inside and out, someone else will too. when i love myself, the world is a new place. when i love myself, i will walk out of every door with my head held high, and my sight set before me.

forward.

i think that's the order to this life.

cheers.

oh goddd i'm getting that weird feeling again. i feel like a lot of varying thoughts are taking over my mind and affecting my mood. tis the season? i'm not like that. holidays don't depress me at all. as you all know i have a wonderful family and support system and have no actual reason to ever be upset. i should take on every day as a grateful and humbled human being. i have always had everything i've ever truly needed in this life and should be nothing but thankful.

but i still let myself get the best of me.

what's my effing prob? i don't know. no wait, i do know. there's a list even:

1. buying a home.
2. managing my money.
3. the thought of god.
4. i need to stop eating tombstone pizza.
5. really irked at my $300 Untitled blunder.
6. life and love and everything it is and isn't.
7. i want a Mac desktop to solve all of my problems but cannot budget one right now.
8. i need to get through this winter. and i think i can.

i have a feeling i'll be extremely self-loathing for a good couple of weeks. it happens every year.

i think this lady has bigger problems than toothache pain:



perhaps she should be repping tranquilizers.

the winter pill is here. swallow.

i can't quite describe my feelings after exiting my building door this morning. all i wanted to do was catch a bus to downtown.
when it hit me.
across the face.

oh hey winter. yeah i knew you were here by the snow and sleet mess you left behind last night.

but damn gina. you's cold.

it was surely 5 or 6 degrees out. i always tell myself that embracing the winter means appreciating the summer more. and i firmly believe that.

spring is such a new beginning. life comes back again. and summer is pure bliss. but i only realize that because i braved through a long, cold winter.

us midwesterners are cute though. and scrappy. i always admire the chicks that live here. wearing dresses and nylons on a day like this? you go girl. those are the girls that make good wives. they stick through the hard times. they endure. they find light in the dark.

the same can't necessarily be said about the men. men are always dogs, warm or cold. except for this male, of course. and a few others. nah, we're actually a decent bunch around here.

anyone can flock to the coasts, stay warm and content in the eternal sunshine.

we here in the midwest don't take such things for granted. the sun is out today? nice. it's above freezing today? nice. a luxury is an indian summer, an early spring.

but the winter is a tough pill to swallow, to which i gladly do. always have and more than likely always will.

i dare say we're a stronger crowd.
the tough get tougher.
and through it all we still have that undeniable midwestern charm.

and manners. double trouble.

plus, how cute does everyone look all bundled up? i love a good coat.

probably one of the cutest things i've EVER seen.

...it finally happened. the red eye finally publshed a decent, read-worthy article! albeit an op ed, it was still thought provoking and quite dead-on. congrats, red eye! after a million misses, you finally hit something!

Facebook friends: Please untag me
by Stephen Markley

Recently, I removed all of my photo albums from Facebook and untagged myself from all 600-plus pictures collected in my profile over the years.

I vaguely detest people who post every picture of their entire existence on Facebook, but my reasoning involves more than topical annoyance.

As further evidence that we should all stop posting pictures on Facebook and remove the ones that are there, I present to you the case of Nathalie Blanchard of Quebec.

After being diagnosed with serious clinical depression, Blanchard received a monthly check from her insurance company Manulife. She was stripped of her benefits after Manulife investigators dug up pictures of her partying with friends on Facebook, according to CBC News of Canada.

Whether Blanchard was faking depression or merely conned out of benefits by a soulless insurance company, it should teach all of us an important lesson.

Our generation rushed to Facebook and other social networking sites with a clear lack of forethought, posting pictures from every drunk weekend of our young lives without any thought to the consequences.

You don't think an ill-advised slutty nurse costume can't someday keep you from getting a job? Or that a cigarette dangling from your lips in a college photo couldn't someday allow an insurer to jack up your rates?

These are the kinds of issues I wish someone had raised before I put on that nurse outfit and smoked a carton of Kools in a single night while documenting the whole thing with my Coolpix. That's why I'm raising them now for benefit of future generations of Facebookers.

I don't think there's anything more obnoxious than the girl who has her camera at every bar, so when you log on to your computer the next day you find yourself tagged in 37 new pictures--sweaty, inebriated and clearly annoyed that this girl will not put her camera away (and yes, 85 percent of the time, this person is female).

It's not just the irritating habit of certain people who think every shot of Jagermeister must be documented and spread across the Internet for posterity. No matter how high you have your security settings, once you post something on the Internet, it is out there forever in the cloud, and you have surrendered that much more of your privacy. And why exactly? Because you and your friend went to Durkins last Friday? Good for you.

Stop posting pictures, period.

Yes, we may have less evidence of our sweaty, inebriated weekends, but perhaps we can at least wear what makes us feel pretty and smoke our carton of Kools in peace.
STEPHEN MARKLEY IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.

oh.my.god...

the years have not been good to the cast of family ties.

woah.

shock me, shock me, tina yothers is the only cast member that appears semi-decent-looking...and even that's a stretch. her last gig was, i think, the celebrity rendition of nickelodean's double dare.

and yes, i know michael j. fox isn't exactly faring well, and it's not his fault, i get that, but it's still sad to see his before and after.

check out the slideshow to see what the cast is up to nowadays...

Here's a Yelp review I wrote about Chicago's Untitled. They have several locations. Go to none, though. SHADEBALL.

Don't read this review and assume that I'm jaded. I'm just as likely to write a good review as I am a bad one...but I think it's my responsibility to inform others when a business is truly unworthy of your time and money...

and ladies and gentlemen, Untitled is NOT worth your time and certainly not worth your money.

The store means well, but the customer service is absolutely deplorable and the prices of this store are highway robbery. Who cares about their often obscure labels - you can easily find the same, hipster-inspired clothing at any Brown Elephant/Goodwill and pay a fraction of the price. In my opinion, everything in Untitled is greatly overpriced, especially given their flimsy and integrity-questionable selection, so don't even bother. Deal with the "wet basement" smell of the Brown Elephant, all the while getting a hipstery "i don't give a shit" outfit and donating money to a good cause.

However, my biggest complaint with Untitled is with their ridiculous customer service. If you happen to be in the Clark street location, watch out for the short, Asian woman who, I'm assuming, is the "Manager." She's a real piece of work. In fact, she should win an Oscar for her amazing ability to fake a smile, fake a "can I help you," and overall fake sense of customer appreciation. Bravo!

She's horrendous.

Issue: I bought a $300 pair of Diesel jeans (I know, I know - absurd) at Untitled...but when I got home, I realized these jeans were in NO way worth $300 and I wanted to return them immediately. Impulse decision gone wrong! I'm human, ok!? Unfortunately, I then read on the receipt that their return policy is "exchange or store credit only"...

Shit!

UM, that would have been REALLY nice to know before that fateful debit card swipe. It also would have been GREAT if the Manager lady would have said, "Our store has a no return policy, you'll only be able to exchange or buy our other expensive shit should you choose to make a return" before snatching my hard-earned money and grinning that toothy, fake smile. Damn you!

Regardless, the very next day, I took the jeans back to Untitled; unworn, tags attached, receipt in hand, and then kindly asked the fake-nice, would-rather-kill-you-than-help-you Asian lady that I wanted to return the jeans and be refunded my money. She then sharply informed me that Untitled only offers exchange or store credit and by NO means would refund my money to my debit card.

I said, "Oh really? Why didn't you say something? I had no idea."

Rudely, she continued "Umm, this has been Untitled's return policy for over nine years" ...like I should have known what I was getting myself into before purchasing the jeans...apparently, I should have been more familiar with the store's sales history before even entering. My bad.

In my head I thought "You little bitch, give me back my money!" but verbally I said, "That really sucks, it would have been nice if you would have said such before I bought these."...to which she replied "Sorry Charlie."

Nice. My name is Ryan, thank you for devaluing me as an adult, and more importantly, as a customer who is already plotting several ways to have you fired.

Long story, short: It's absolutely insane that a store would have a "no return policy" and not have the clerk tell you or display such verbiage in bright, flashing lights for the consumer to see before selling their financial soul: WARNING! THINK TWICE! YOU'LL NEVER SEE THAT MONEY AGAIN! is what it should read. Actually, this sign should be displayed in neon fluorescent lighting and double as a bug zapper! Every time you see and hear a bug fly into that death trap, it'll really drive the point home!

So, in conclusion, Untitled's store policy is: once they get your money, IT'S THEIRS FOREVER.

And, is it just me, or does it make zero sense to print such an unforgiving return policy on only the receipt!? It doesn't! Obviously, if I have to read the receipt to find out about your non-return policy...the damage is already done! It's too late! You have my money so tightly gripped in your cold, clammy hands that trying to get my money back would probably result in a prison sentence.

SUPER SHADY business practice, Untitled. I will never give this store another penny of my money. I suggest the same for you - take heed. There are plenty of stores that sell awesome, affordable clothes in Chicago and are not out to SCAM your money like Untitled.

And hey, Untitled, instead of acting like a big greedy SHADEBALL, maybe you should invest in some customer service training and customer appreciation courses? We're in a recession baby, and people have a choice where they shop.

Consumer beware. DON'T SHOP HERE.

Here's hoping others follow my lead and give their business to Urban Outfitters, Akira, or hell, Plato's Closet. It's the same stuff...but cheaper.

And less bullshit.

everyone midwestern-based is all a flutter about the inch of snow lying on the ground. guess who isn't!?!

surprise, me.

i guess i really don't care at all about the snow. it's pretty, it's non-blowy...it's just sitting there on the ground, minding its own business.

i woke up in semi-awe since it's the first snowfall of the season and it fell at some point in the night, so i of course got that nostalgic "woah it snowed last night! is school cancelled!?" feeling, which was undeniably one of the most exciting times of school life - watching the news and just WAITING for them to list your school as being cancelled.

it's the small things in life.

but being 27 years old, that's a far, distant memory. so, when i woke up this morning i had a slight sense of that feeling but reality quickly set in when i saw lake shore drive traffic crawling and knew that i too was soon to be in it on my way to work, which is never cancelled.

but when i walked outside i was blinded. literally. i forgot how blindingly white brand new snow is...especially after not having seen it for 8 months. instantly i had eye strain. horrible eye strain. it felt like my left eyeball was shrinking and rolling back into my eye socket. and all attached eye nerves and veins were being tightly pulled as it recessed.

that really hurt charlie and it's still...hurting.

i could barely open my eyes, i needed some serious shades. but i feel like such a tool when wearing sunglasses in the winter. it's such a weird idea to me. sunglasses feel like such a "hot weather" item to me. however some guy got on the bus with sunglasses on and the only word that came to my mind upon seeing him was, of course, tool. and i don't wanna be that guy. but i could barely open my eyes the entire bus ride to work because of the strain pain and the unending, blinding snow.

so, for pretty much the entire morning i thought, so this is what it feels like to be blind.

and wow did it suck.

weirdly, yesterday i was walking with a friend to argo for a pumpkin spice chai latte nonfat and this lady was on the sidewalk with her dog where she feebly asked "excuse me, anybody?" i stopped and looked and she was just kind of staring...blindly...into the world so i walked over to her and said hi. she had a seeing eye dog with her...my second clue as to what she needed...and she kindly asked me if she saw any dog poop on the ground because she thinks her dog may have "pooed" more than once. having a dog i related to her troubles so i spot checked the vicinity and saw nothing (thankfully). she thanked me and i went on my way for some latte.

but then i thought to myself...how does she find the original poop? does she have some heat-sensing device or something?

i never thought about it before. i guess blind people do have to pick up the poo somehow...

but how?

anyway, so there has been a lot of blindness-related thoughts going on in my head and weirdly i was blind all morning.

blinded by the light, wake up like a...doucher?...in the...something of the night.

remember that song that no one knows the lyrics to? weirdly, every time i hear that song i'm with my mom and we always comment on how we have zero idea what the actual lyrics are and we also comment on how that song is literally like 8 minutes long.

so much blindness so little time.

I'M STILL STRAINING TOO.

my realtor just asked me out on a date via email! awkward. i'm not interested...but i wonder if it will help reduce my closing costs though?

coffee it is!


Hey Ryan!
How are things your way? I see that you have marked quite a few favorites from our website. I would love to set up a time to grab coffee so we can further discuss these properties in detail.
Do you have any time to meet this weekend or the first of next week?
Hope to talk with you soon!
Best,
Gordon

even though she was funnier before she started plugging herself 24/7, she still puts on a great youtube vid:

this whole tiger woods scandal is so wrong for all the reasons you probably haven't thought about yet...or maybe you have.

who cares that tiger is typically squeaky clean and well-to-do? i don't. i don't care about any of that...what happened is none of your business and it's not my business either. i don't want to hear the voicemail. i don't want a full expose on who the other woman is. why is this scandal on the evening news? right between segments about the economy and sending 30k more troops to afghanistan "and now a closer look at tiger's turmoil and hidden temptations..."

what!? stop it.

leave him alone america. it's not your business in the least. it's not news.

BUT

it does go to show you that people cheat. so many of them. more often than not. even the good guys/girls. and that sucks.

i loathe cheaters. i hate cheaters. they're the worst people on earth.

yes, i'm still jaded for having been cheated on in my lifetime, and i think i have every right to be.

i really don't think that insecurity ever fully goes away.

but i do know that i will never and would never cheat on someone. never. ever.

it's singularly one of the worst feelings in the world - to discover/see the love of your life cheating on you. i can't even describe it and i'm hesitant to even think about it because it took me a long time to get over the pain and confusion and imagery.

ugh, i'm getting the feeling again, need to change the topic...

sooo...glee. you all know it, you all love it.

i rarely watch tv so i don't watch it nor do i love it, but i've seen clips. here's my take:

basically, the fresh-faced cast sings loveable, feel good songs that we all cherish and somewhat know the words to, then they apply jazz hands, a little smoke and mirrors, and BOOM, it's a hit!

omg i love glee, glee is totes making me tear up, glee is so amazeballs, i can't get to itunes fast enough, needs it loves it, arg blagh ooog.

and that's an interpretation at the most basic level. here's some other misunderstandings i have:

they lip sync (badly) the song as they sing it. ummm...ok.

its riding of the coattails of hsm. undeniable. and right me if i'm wrong, wasn't hsm 1 the only decent production? the rest were just forced for infant-tween cashcow purposes.

it's kinda dumb, no?


just a man with an opinion, yall...

DEAD ON.

thanks robbie!

there comes a time in life where we stop thinking about ourselves. it's not pretty, it's not easy...but it's critical. there comes a time when you are in a position to help others. a position to influence and advise, both lead and stand by.

i've done that for you.

i've paved a path for you. through friendship, through struggle, through being there when you needed it the most. i've been there. i've grown close to you and to your family. i've worried about you, i've visited you, and i've done everything i could to ensure our bond.

but i'm done.

i have fulfilled my end of this relationship. you have not. i know you're not in the position to be a friend right now. and that's disheartening and that's exactly why things are the way they are. but my sadness only stretches so far - to a cold, indifferent place - and then it stops. it stops just short of enabling you. feeding you my sympathy or concern. you deserve neither. i've offered you both to no avail. your oblivion is self-determined, and that i cannot stand by. you are where you are and you are who you are...because of you. because of the decisions you make every single day.

i don't even know you anymore. i really don't. you aren't the same person you used to be.

you're beyond my help. you're beyond me. and that's where our relationship ends.

it's time to realize what you have, and what you can do to make things right. look at your life. are you happy? genuinely happy?

you aren't. and if you say you are, then it only confirms my worst fears.

i hate that it has to be this way. like it's a choice. it isn't. so don't blame it on me.

blame it on yourself.

hilar

things you should know about facebook:

song lyrics are fine and whatnot...but c'mon people, they're not necessarily that brilliant. stop facebooking them.

you all love lady gaga. loud and clear. no need to plaster every gaga vid clip known to mankind on your FSU (facebook status update).

if you FSU that you're tired...you're obviously not tired enough to log off of the book. hate it.

don't wear your heart on your FSU. you know you'll only regret it later when no one comments on your plea for attention. see: tmi.

put.your headshot.away.

i've always had a hate/somewhat love relationship with facebook...but i'm going to buy an actual address book and write down the worthy-addys in it...i want to take things old school, enough of this "the next time you're in town we're definitely hanging out!" because we all know facebook promises are as shallow as all-things-shallow i.e. kiddie pools, rain puddles, etc. you get the point.

reading la-based facebook profiles is like heaven. yes, you are all incredibly talented actors and models...and you have an unending amount of professional/scandalous pictures to prove it! you guys love yourselves a lot. (too far? my apologies in advance but you know it's kind of true!)

people will soon be losing more jobs due to facebook. it's almost inevitable. we thought craigslist was bad but woah...tagged pictures? the worst.

right now my facebook is just a jumbled mess of information. i don't know what the difference is between "view newsfeed" and "live news feed" is...all i know is that i want less status updates and "blank is now friends with blank" and i want more life-shattering pictures.

i think that if you decide to post "blank is in a relationship"...or even better "blank is in a relationship with blank"...that you MUST be forced to publicly post when "blank is single." if you're going to take it there on facebook, you should be forced to mix the good times with the bad!

i love relationship status messages. live and breathe for them.

k bye.