Lately I've been having some weird thoughts. Actually, a series of weird thoughts, all of which seem to collectively bounce off of one another.

The first series of thoughts came to me as I'm barreling down I-80, returning from my trip home over the 4th. I was just admiring the sunset when I thought, "Earth probably hates us." To Earth, I bet we're like those little fish that cling onto bigger fish...just riding along, doing god knows what, but still, riding along and taking advantage of the free ride. However, if I was Earth I'd be all like "Get the fuck off me, idiot." And you KNOW that's exactly what Earth's thinking EVERYDAY. Do you think Earth cares if we die? Oh hells no. Earth would be happy. I bet Earth cannot WAIT for George Bush to kick it.

But yet the Earth keeps us. Gravity keeps us stuck here, even though I'm dying to fly. The other night I had a dream that I could fly and it was the coolest dream I've ever had. I was just hanging out, talking to my Grandpa, who's dead, then all of a sudden I'd have to go do something, so I'd just start running and BOOM - take off into flight.

It was so liberating, too. Ever see "The Neverending Story" ?? You know, at the end, when that kid is flying with Valcor, hauling ass over those damn bullies who, for some reason, decide to hide in a dumpster.

Really? A dumpster? You couldn't think quickly enough to hide in something less smelly?

Anyway, I wonder what I looked like while I was dreaming? Last night I woke up screaming "It's like you don't even CARE!"

I wonder what I meant by that?

Maybe I was talking about Earth. If I hear one more thing about global warming and glaciers melting, I'm going to cry. Then I'm going to get mad. And then I'm going to do something. Those actions could be reversed and/or flipped, too.

I'll keep you posted on the order.

Moral of the story - try not to be an annoying little fish. Don't annoy the Earth. And for god's sake don't annoy me.

Okay, so if we're little sucker fish hitching rides on big momma fish, then would that make aliens pirannas? You know aliens just wanna tear into us tasmanian devil style, where all you see is a tornado around you and when the dust settles you're just a skeleton.

Aliens freak my shit.

Eep. Sorry. I've been so neglectful lately. This blog is sooo Shar Jackson's children and I am soo K. Federline.

Speaking of KFed, have you heard his new tracks? Wow, they're pretty good. It's hard to believe he use to be just some random backup dancer. Now look at him. He's so successful. He married Britney Spears post fashion-sense, has like 86290 illegitimate children, oddly owns the same amount of wifebeaters, and has a sweet greasy mustache.

He's so lucky. Ugh...JEALOUS...

Here are some of his lyrics. Enjoy.

Im handin out ass kickins like diplomas
Who the first to get it?
Ya know K Feds wit it
All that shit rappers talk about, I already did it
Im committed - to the game
The fames why I hustle
Lyrical exercise, workin every muscle on the double
Chief and commanda
Hand ya
Ass to ya in a basket wrapped in plastic
Im looney
All these model chicks wanna do me
Tabloids tried to screw me
Magazines try to kill me
But im nasty
Too fuckin slick and sly
So high
I could prolly drop a shit and fly
You gonna need a big army
If you comin for me
K. Federline - I hit like tsunamis

That's powerful, man. It speaks to me. It's like...I feel like I can really relate to him sometimes. I couldn't even tell you how many times I wished I could drop a shit and fly. You ARE a tsunami, KFed. Don't even play it out as a simile. It's a frickin exclamatory understatement.

Watch out, Sri Lanka.

So, ringtones. Let's discuss them. It's come to my attention that some people are still living in the days of when downloading ringtones was cool.

Was it ever cool, or did we just think that?

I assume the latter. I can remember the days when my cellphone was cool. Now it's an annoyance. But anyway, I can remember going to all these websites and downloading free ringtones and I thought THIS IS HEAVEN! I'd have everything under the sun. I'd assign certain songs to certain individuals. My friend Molly was Britney Spears "Toxic" because she loved Britney Spears. I just thought I was so clever.

And then the phone would ring.

AND HOLY HELL WAS I EMBARRASSED. Why do people do that? They willingly and consciously assign annoying ringtones to their phones, and when they ring, they get in defense mode, shut it off immediately, and then deny that their phone was ever ringing. Or they pull one of those lame, "Oh my sister put that on my phone..."

Again, lame.

I guess I'm biased though. I hate cell phones. I hate that everyone in the free world has one. I hate that they are expected. I hate the fact that people can always get ahold of you, or always have contact with you, no matter what your location or mission is. What happened to the days when you'd call someone's house and if they weren't home, you'd leave them a message on their answering machine? Now, they call and call and call your cell phone, leave disgruntled messages about how you never answer their phone calls, and then when you see that person in real life, then they're all, "you never answer your phone" or "I can never get ahold of you" or "are you trying to avoid me?" Does it make me a bad person that I don't answer my phone when I'm grocery shopping, or at a restaurant, or having surgery...Am I required to always be available to talk? I mean, sorry I had to have a liver transplant, GEESH. Call later.

Do you ever get a phone call and you don't want to answer it, then consequently feel bad for "avoiding" that person? Ugh, what a senseless guilt trip. Just because the caller has nothing better to do than call you, all of a sudden I'm obligated to communicate with them, even though I don't want to or I'm doing something else more important?

I mean, get off your damn cell phone, you almost hit my cart at Wal-Mart because you were talking to LaQuisha about what Tonya said to your MAN. I mean, give me a break.

And not a break of a Kit-Kat bar because I don't like them AT ALL.

Long time, no blog.

My apologies. I can't even say that I've been terribly busy...just terribly uninspired. Not a whole lot has been happening in life, just a lot of little, pleasant experiences. I really think that summer has kicked off to a great start. The weather has been amazing. Work has been steady and nice. Socialness has been above par. Wait, I'm horrible with golf...is above par good or bad?

Socialness has been good. Socialness is probably not a word.

My social life has been faring well. Ugh, that's sooo Shakespearean. I blame Claire Danes.

My life is fun. Let's move on--

So, does the peanut butter in a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup count as a means of protein? Also, why are rabbits punching other rabbits in the face? I've noticed a lot of this going on lately. It must be breeding time, and perhaps the male bunnies are fighting over the mama bunnies, and the mama bunnies are fighting over their baby's daddies, and the baby bunnies are fighting because, you know, 'he started it.'

But anyway, I've noticed that A) there are a ton of rabbits running around and B) they are all punching each other in the face. I was unaware of the fact that rabbits fought by means of throwing blows, but they do. To make matters worse, they have a real mean look on their face when they do it. Vicious, even. I thought rabbits were nice? I play with the bunnies at PetLand all the time and I always pick up a bunny or four, but had I known they were liable to jack me in the face I wouldn't even GO IN the store, let alone come within an arm's reach.

But I digress.

So, I was jogging the other day and, I swear, it was as if I was in that Tele-Tubby world where rabbits are everywhere doing whatever they damn well want. Anyway, I was jogging along and I noticed this rabbit that looked like it had two asses--one in the front of its body and one in the back. As I came closer I noticed that it was TWO bunnies that were head-to-head, punching the shit out of each other! For me, it was as if aliens had landed and shot me in the face with a stun gun. I had to stop and analyze the ABSURDITY that was going on in front of me. Anyway, this one rabbit was clearly winning and the loser bunny made this horrible, shrill noise that I could hear over the music blasting from my headphones. Due to my "I'm a lover not a fighter" mentality, the bunny's cry for help forced me to immediately break up the fight, separating each bunny to their respective bush. I mean, seriously, quit fighting.

And then just yesterday I saw three sparrows fighting through a series of nasty aerial assaults. Just brutal. All I could think is, what is wrong with this world?

Uh, okay, my newest obsession in life is Kathy Griffin. It's not really a "new" obsession though, because I've been a longtime fan of her work (minus Suddenly Susan). I just asked a few coworkers if they too enjoyed Kathy, only to hear their response of "uhh, no. She's obnoxious." Really? What does that say about me then? I think she is THEE funniest person ever. Well, not ever. Ellen DeGeneres is funnier, but I already went through an obsession with her a few months ago. Do you like how I make these bold statements and then retract them right away? I do too.

Anyway, I watch Kathy Griffin every night during my getting ready for bed/sleeping process. I'll put her stand-up DVD on and, even though I've seen it 50 times, I still laugh and rewind certain parts. Actually, last night (and I swear this happened) I was sleeping during most of the DVD, but I woke up, heard my favorite joke of the show, roared with laughter, then immediately went back to sleep. How weird is that?

If you're curious and/or are familiar with this specific DVD, my favorite joke is when she's talking about her army celebrity tour of Afghanistan. She's talking about how she went on this helicopter ride with these other D-list celebs, and she goes:

"I swear, the wrestler and his wife get on the helicopter and the wife goes, 'Can this thing do a loop-dee-loop?'"

CUT TO ME DYING OF LAUGHTER. I mean, they're on a helicopter and she's asking about it doing a loop-dee-loop? It's not..possible...anyway. You really might have to watch the video and have this joke be heard in the proper context and accent for it to be enjoyed. I play it over and over in my head and find it to be complete bliss.

Shut up.

My musical interest is so vast these days that it's starting to make me feel a little uncomfortable. I have a 6 disc cd changer in my car, and it seems like I cannot make up my mind on what I want to listen to. I mean, seriously, I know I'm weird, but some of the music I have been enjoying is so disjointed that it makes me feel intensely unsatisfied. Here's some stuff in my cd player now:

1. Random country songs on a cd I made
2. Motown (soul) music
3. Random house/techno music
4. Outkast (which I've been listening to the same Love Below cd for, oh, 3 years now.)
5. Something for Everybody, which has a bunch of random remixed songs spanning from rock to opera.
6. New York City mix...which are a bunch of random songs that remind me of my trip to NYC.

The dilemma here is that I like too many different genres of music. I seriously enjoy opera and classical music. Like, I love it. However, I would never buy a cd with just opera or classical music. I might go home and download a bunch of songs I know, but how much music is still out there that I haven't heard and/or I might LOVE?

That brings me to another thing. I feel like there is all this music out there that I've never heard and that I'm missing out on. I love acoustic music. Anything that is unplugged, a capella, folksy, light...I love that type of music. I don't really like John Mayer, but his acoustic music is awesome. Have you ever heard of Voxtrot or Electric President? They're both really random bands, but I really like both of them a lot. I heard this band in Minneapolis last week called "The Hopefuls" and even though their music wasn't anything THAT special, there are a few songs I really liked and I never would have even heard of this band or their songs if I hadn't been at this free outdoor concert last week in MN.

Weird.

Have you ever heard a song playing somewhere, and you kind of like it so you figure out the melody and then you tell yourself that you'll remember the song to find or download later, but yet you don't? You completely forget the song/band exists and it takes another random interaction for you to remember that you liked it? I feel like I've heard all of these songs that I could possibly really enjoy, but I can't remember a word or melody to save my life.

Also, it seems to me that I can sometimes HATE a song for awhile...if not a long while...but then somehow it comes back into my life as this WONDERFUL piece of art that I can't even fathom to understand how I could originally hate it? Some examples:

1. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
2. Lose Control - Missy Elliot (this song was painfully annoying at first, then I downloaded about 70 remixes a month later)
3. Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson (which is now practically an anthem of sorts, but at first I thought it was to rock-ish for Kelly.)
4. Anything by Jack Johnson - I now realize why he is so popular. Banana Pancakes? Amazing.
5. Basement Jaxx - I ALWAYS hated their songs until I figured out that their songs are so freakishly creative and stimulating that I later hate myself for not liking them.

I'm so unsatisfied. I need options, alternatives, and/or suggestions for cool songs. I'll load up my computer endlessly with stuff I think I like, I know I like, or I might like later, but the process could be made more easy with your help.

I have to go munch on some grindage.

I'm really glad I haven't treated my dog the same way I've treated this blog lately. Pretty sure Buster would be dead if that was the case.

"Sorry folks -- Park's closed!" -- Summer Vacation (Wally World)

Ha, ha. I love that movie. Anywho, so what's new with me you ask? Uh, nothing.

Sometimes I just feel like this:

Home was fantastic. Rightfully so, since I only went home to celebrate my 24th birthday (family-version) to receive endless amounts of attention from my adoring family. But in reality, this is what happened...

I started to get ready for home as soon as I got off work on Friday. I was very excited. I packed up some clothes, grabbed Buster, and sped home thinking about how thrilled my parents were going to be to see me and spend time with me. You should probably know that I'm the baby of 4 children and that everyone has always thought that I was the nicest, cutest, smartest, and all together Christ-like child of the bunch. It remains true to this day. I always received the most attention and my parents always treated me like royalty above the others. So, I drove home under the impression that my parents were patiently awaiting me, ready to hug and praise me as soon as I walked through the doorway known as "home."

Nope. After driving for 2 hours with a dog in my lap, I arrived home to a deserted, cold, lonely house. No parents to be found anywhere. No hugs. No praise. I looked at the message board near the phone to find:

Ry-

We went to Jimmy's to eat pizza with John and Linda Simmons. We'll be home asap. You're welcome to join us! Scott and the boys said they wanted you to come over, too!

Love you, Mom & Dad

Oh, I see how it is. My Mom begs and begs for me to come home since I hadn't been home since early February, and the minute I get there they ditch me for pizza with their friends. I wanted pizza. Oh, and then they throw a mercy-appointment of meeting up with my brother. Yeah right, like he really called to see if I would come over and pay special visit to him. They more or less volunteered him to offer me company, assuming I'd simply overlook their lack of parenting skills and family ethics.

Herrumph.

I decided that I would hide my car in the garage and act like I never came home so that they would be sad when they got home and punish themselves with years of agony, grief, and self-loathing. Then I realized that the plan only worked in my naive head. Watch out for "head plans" like that. One time when I was little I also thought that hiding in a corn field during a game of hide-and-seek would be a really good plan, only to have NO ONE come look for me and then I got lost trying to find my way out. And to make matters worse, I accidentally stepped on field mouse and it made a really weird noise and it freaked me out.

But I digress, anyway, they eventually made their way home but I pretended to be asleep on the couch. I had to seek my revenge somehow. I tried to act like I was in an absolute dead sleep but it didn't work because they caught me opening my eye a millimeter wide to check out their location status in comparison to my lifeless body. They still woke me up and acted like they were just THRILLED to see me.

Right, Mom, I'm pretty sure I was an accident anyway.

Since my last post was directed at granola bars, I think it's extremely important for this blog to be filled with AS MUCH intensity and excitement as the last one. So, here goes, today's topic is:

Disney movies.

Let's discuss this, shall we?

Okay, so from time to time I have the tendancy to watch Disney movies. Why? They're simple. They usually evoke no laughter, no surprise, no mystery. Why? Because you've seen them a million times. Yet, something still makes me want to watch them. Do I care that I'm admitting to this? God no. Go watch your fucking japanese anime porn, you freak, don't sit there and judge me for watching Disney.

Sorry about that. Anyway. So let's talk about my favorites:

Aladdin - Quite possibly my favorite Disney flick of all time. This is mostly due to the fact that Aladdin and I were seperated at birth:



I know, right?

But I digress...this movie was actually funny at some point in time due to Robin Williams being the voice of Genie. Plus, it's supposed to be set in India, although Agrabah is based off of Baghdad, which is home to the "arabian" aspect of the movie. I love India/Arabia stuff. Plus, the music in this movie hosts some of the best Disney tunes ever created. Yes, there are great songs in other movies, and I'll get to them eventually.

And Abu? Cutest. sidekick. ever. We'll also get to sidekicks later, too. All in all though, Aladdin is my favorite Disney movie. Watch it.

The Little Mermaid - Yeah, really dumb name but still a great Disney film. Again, this movie owes it's songwriters everything because they honestly made this movie. The plot was pretty dumb if you think about it. Selling your soul to the devil (Ursela)...honestly? Just to have legs? Girls are so vain. Bright young women, sick of swimmin' and ready to stand? So, not only is this movie religious, it's political, too. Whatever, the music rocks. Don't you just love the part where she's in her underwater cave with all the junk in it...and she's up against the painting of a candle and she goes, "What's a fire and why does it...what's the word? BURN!

And now, in you're head, you're singing, "WHEN'S IT MY TURN? WOULDN'T I LOVE, LOVE TO EXPLORE THAT SHORE UP ABOOOOVE..." You know you did. Admit it.

And what's up with Flounder? Isn't he essentially the face of Casper the Friendly Ghost except in fish format?
+ = lame.

My third favorite is Lion King. This movie is great for so so many reasons. The concept is pretty humble, but the characters are intense. Mufasa, with his booming voice, is stampeded to death. Scar, Mufasa's brother, has him killed. Nathan Lane does the voice of the rodent, which is priceless. And JTT does the voice of young Simba. What more could you ask for?

Next is Dumbo. Why Dumbo? Have you seen Dumbo!? I never realized how sad, depressing, and weird this movie is until recently. When they seperate Dumbo from his mother -- was that not the single saddest parent-trauma that Disney has inflicted upon young, emotional children? Dumbo's mom was merely protecting her baby from cruel kids, and then Dumbo is so sad when Mom gets put into the crazy-elephant bin. UGH, I'm sad just thinking about these scenes.



Why does Disney kill off the parents in like every movie? Seriously, let's make a list:

1. Bambie
2. Fox and the Hound
3. The Lion King
4. Finding Nemo
5. Tarzan
6. Dumbo (she might as well have died because it was just as traumatic)
7. The Jungle Book
8. Aladdin (There's reference to Aladdin's parents being dead, and where's Jasmine's Mom?)
9. The Little Mermaid (Where's the Mom)
10. Beauty and the Beast (Where's the Mom)

What is with the anti-parent/single parent theme in Disney movies? It's not right.

Long tangent - sorry. Next -

Toy Story is AMAZING...both through song and content. I can barely comment on this movie since it's such an entertaining and thoughtful flick. This is the first Disney movie that I saw in the theatre, and I will never forget how sad I was when the mangled toys didn't end up being bought or found by some kid. But, all I have to say is this:

"Hey, Hannah!"

Pinocchio. Ah, this movie makes me feel nostalgic because I watched it all the time growing up. I especially love the scene where Gimney is trying to sleep and all the clocks are rhythmically ticking. I love the clock that features a mom spanking her son as the alarm feature. Hm, domestic violence + alarm clock = brilliance! Also, the rest of that movie is seriously messed up. Especially when Pinnochio starts smoking cigars, drinking booze, and growing facial hair. It's sooo weird. And they're practically in a brothel. Wow.

Snow White and Cinderella are pretty good, though honestly, I've probably only seen them a time or two. They're too princess-involved for me to take pleasure in it. Also, Beauty and the Beast is good, but it's still pretty girly. Although, I used to know a priest that sounded exactly like Gaston, in both speaking and singing voices. So church was always fun because I always envisioned him singing "Just watch, I'm going to make Belle my wiiiiiiiiife!"

Here are some other good'ins that I haven't seen recently enough to comment on, but I still love:

• 101 Dalmations
• Robin Hood
• Jungle Book
• Peter Pan
• Lady and the Tramp (I jizz everytime the cats start singing "We are Siamese if you please, we are Siamese if you don't please!" ba-bonk bonk bonk)
• Bambi
• Fox and the Hound (I love Todd...and foxes)

Now there are a few movies/people I don't like, but Disney insisted on putting these movies out anyway:

Hunchback of Notre Dame is an okay movie, but the villain in this movie is way too creepy and politcal for me to enjoy. This movie has it moments, but I don't need to subject myself to psychotic priests. There's enough of them running around in real life.

I don't even know what this movie is about, nor will I ever see it because this creature looks like it will bite me and I have a fear of animals biting me. Sorry Lilo....or Stitch, whichever you are.

To wrap up the Disney blog, there are a few movies I haven't seen all the way through yet, and therefore cannot comment on them either. I'm not sure that I will ever see/finish these movies, but I would really like to:

• Pocahontas
• Alice in Wonderland
• Tarzan
• Sleeping Beauty

All in good time.

I've really put a lot of time and effort into this and wow...look at the results. Tell me your favorite Disney movies. Come to my house and we'll discuss them over refridgerated granola bars and Frost gatorade.

So, instead of my typical American Idol rant (Yay Elliott!) I feel it's best to plug another obsession in my life: Quaker Granola Bars: Chewy Dipps - Peanut Butter.

Wow. These granola bars are absolutely amazing and have become an everyday part of my life. In fact, without them, my life seems incomplete. I simply must have one of these granola bars everyday as a part of my breakfast at work. They're reasonably nutritious - coming in at 150 calories per bar. That's not too bad considering the chocolately and peanut butter goodness inside every bar.

To "switch things up" every now and then, I like to refridgerate my granola bars, as the crispness in every bite seems to add to their delight.

Get yours today! Although, do not buy them at the Coralville Super-Walmart as that is where I buy mine and I always seem to be buying the second-to-last box of them, so apparently, others have caught on to this granola bar craze.

Mmm...this was a fascinating and delicious entry.

Jealous!?

So, I feel bad about using my "blog" space to write about American Idol. There are far more important and stimulating things going on in my life to write about, and I sometimes overlook these events due to my mild fascination and obsession with Idol.

But first we really need to talk about American Idol. So, last night's show was really good. For the most part, everyone did fairly well -- some more than others. Chris was whatever...but that's because Chris IS whatever to me. No strong like or dislike there. Paris was pretty good, but kind of boring, and to make matters worse, I didn't know the song she was singing. Taylor = stupid. He's boring, he has horrible hair, and I just feel like he's gimmicky. Now, I'll give props to Ace for once. I actually liked his song and voice last night. He sang the song well and his outfit was pretty nice. However, the hair? Are you kidding me? It was as if he literally just finished his 8 hour shift at Long John Silver's, pulled off his hair net, threw on some clothes, and landed on stage to sing. It was not working for him at all, and I think it actually distracted viewers from his performance. Maybe that's why I liked his performance -- I was too busy trying to figure out his hair to even notice his vocals.

Anyway, I digress.

So Kelly Pickler. Wow. Pitchy. Horrible song, horrible rendition, horrible vocals. Elliot...oh Elliot. I love Elliot. He has such a great voice and is such a nice guy. But the personality did not shine, once again. The song -- mediocre. He didn't even jazz it up with some powerhouse vocals or anything. It was good...but good enough? I'm scared for him. Now, Katherine was pretty amazing last night. I don't know if she was as amazing as what the judges gave her credit for, but she did wrap up the show pretty nicely. Katherine is an extremely pretty girl with a great voice, and that might be enough for her to win. Unless something miraculous happens to Elliot's personality, then he too might win.

I'm so sad right now because I know Elliot is outta' here. Wahhhh.

I'll write about more personal, important stuff later. Unless something major happens on American Idol tonight.

I really, really want an iPod. I just figured my life would be so much easier with one. I made, oh, 5 cd's this weekend, and I thought, that really shiny, black iPod I saw in the store the other day was so pretty...and necessary to life.

My birthday is coming up.

HINT.

I've been busy today with meetings and conferences, so I haven't been able to express my emotional struggle with the release of Mandisa and her fat ass from American Idol.

First of all, I love Mandisa. She's humble, she's spiritual, and she can sing. Wow, can she sing.

Her ass and legs are too big though. Seriously. Way too big.

Anyway, how is it that she was voted off? Why is REDNECK COUNTRY-BUMPKIN COWBOY Bucky still on the show? Well, I have an answer to this. The reason that Bucky is able to stay on the show is the same reason why President Bush has been our President for 6 years now.

AKA: our country is full of REDNECKS. Yep, rednecks. All of the south, most of the midwest, and every state further west excluding California, Oregon, and Seattle (they're full of soft liberals and actors) are chop-full of rednecks. When there's a good ol'fashion votin ceremonee going on...you better believe the rocks will be turned and wooded areas will empty. That's just the society we live in. We have to deal with it. There is simply no room for obese black women in America. Atleast not on TV. Did you know that the same amount of people watched the Country Music Awards, as did the Oscars? It's true.

Now, I realize I come from the hick-ridden state of Illinois and currently reside in the desperately-outdated state of Iowa, however, I consider myself to be a progressive thinker. You want to know who I'm rooting for? Elliot. He's ugly, he's partially-deaf, he's misunderstood, and he can sing. He can sing real pretty. Now before I explain my vote, I'll explain whom is voting for whom, per singer.

Now, the East coast and liberal West coast states I mentioned earlier...those people are voting for Chris Daughtry and Paris Bennett. These two are current, they're stylish, they're mainstream--they're typical radio/MTV-worthy singers...boring. College frat boys are voting for Kelly Pickler because she's a blonde idiot, and she's of course a virgin. Virgins are typically THAT stupid..."What's a ballsy!?" Senior citizens are voting for Taylor due to his limited dance moves and salt-and-pepper hair, which are something they can relate to. Ace's voters consist of 10-14 yr. old girls and gay twinks. Katherine holds onto the 21-32 female business women category. Think Diet Pepsi. And then, of course, we all know who votes for Bucky. Think Mountain Dew.

Now Elliot is different. He's ugly, YES. He has bad teeth, YES. He's deaf in one ear, YES. He sort-of look likes a retarded younger brother of Nick Lache, YES. But wait. The kid is so freakishly humble and polite, you can't HELP but like him. On top of that, he can sing. He has an amazing voice and he has an immense amount of possibility. Clay Gayken was about the ugliest thing you'd ever seen until given a hairstylist and wardrobe team. Now look at him. His sassy new look tricks millions of girls into thinking that he's dreamy and straight. Wow! But honestly, that kid can sing, too, and his voice is what I respect.

So, I see a future for Elliot. I see him continuing down this road known as American Idol, and with all hope, President Bush will hold a Pig Squeelin' contest - distracting the rednecks from voting for Bucky and allowing the rest of us to not use our demographics and personal preferences to find a winner...but to let our ears do the voting and allow the real American Idol to please stand up.

Newsflash:

After a bizarre dream last night, I came across a rather startling conclusion after laying in bed and piecing the dream back together.

I'm not going to fully describe the dream, because hey, I already lay myself out there for public scrutiny by revealing all of the weird, stupid, and unattached thoughts or experiences that I have. Actually, it's kind of like the lyrics to that Breathe (2 am) song:

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them,
however you want to

So, to talk about my dream would only lessen it's meaning and internal significance; I'll just talk around it.

So, my startling conclusion -- I'm no longer going to have "enemies." Now, if you know anything about me, you'll know that once you burn a bridge with Ryan Sumner, well that bridge is gone forever. And no amount of money could afford the construction crew to come build another. After my dream, I realized there are quite a few people in my life (directly or indirectly) that I truly do not care for or respect due to these burnt bridges. I also realized that holding these people to whatever deed or misfortune that may have come between us, is a complete waste of time and emotion. It's such an unattractive quality to be bitter and unforgiving. It's also so completely unneccessary that I wish I had realized it earlier.

Now is better than never.

I'm going to "let go" of these typically unabashed, unapologetically disinterested feelings I have in this grouping of people who have done me wrong, or I just eventually came to dislike. None of those feelings will ever produce any worthwhile element in my life, so why hold on? Most of these feelings are SO internal, too. I mean, really, when was the last time I ever lashed out at somebody? I've never started or created external conflict, nor will I ever. I don't talk or even acknowledge existence to these certain people. So why should I allow it to take precedence or take up any valuable space in my life? I really shouldn't...

So, to YOU...you typically disliked and disrespectful individual/s of my lifetime -- I no longer hold anything against you. Nothing. In fact, I really don't care about any wrongdoings or "non-wrongdoings" that may have happened in the past. It's over, and I'm way over it.

Clean slate; day 1.

FREAKED

Oh my God. So I just had the weirdest feeling ever and it stemmed from the weirdest series of thoughts EVER. So, I was reading the news today at work. I have this weird thing, that, if I don't read the news, I'll think that I'm missing out on something really important, and that thought freaks me out so I read the news like 10-20 times a day. Weird, I know.

Anyway, so after reading about Tom DeLay not seeking re-election and Katie Couric going to CBS, I then stumble upon an article about the Earth being warmer 247 million years ago. I thought it sounded mildly interesting since I just read an article 2 hours earlier about how the mountains will never have snow on them again in approximately 15 years due to global warming. So, I start reading about this info and I come across a timeline about the Earth's geological time scale. It basically explains what life was like, temperatures, existing organisms, and all kinds of stuff a real long time ago. Well, what freaked me out was the fact that this timeline goes back 3.8 BILLION YEARS. This freaked me out. I was thinking, "The Earth can't be 3.8 billion years old, that's a freakish amount of time! I mean, the dinosaurs were roaming the Earth a mere 65 million years ago, and that is already unfathomably old. So, add a few more billion years on top of that, and it becomes mind-boggling!"

So, this notion freaks me out hardcore. And what do I do when I get freaked out? I link to Google as quick as possible. So I googled Earth's age and sure enough, the Earth is roughly around 4 billion years old, and that is simply a scientific estimate. Apparently, scientists have found rocks on this Earth that are almost 3.4 billion years old. So, if one is to assume that these rocks were formed during the creation of Earth, that would put a few hundred million years on them before Earth's actual creation.

This freaked me out even more. I mean, think about it - the Earth has been around for 4 billion years...an amount of time that is wildly beyond all imagination and possibility. Earth couldn't support life until 3 billion years later when the first micro-organisms first appeared, allegedly (said in a Star Jones-type fashion). So, what...was Earth similar to our present-day Mars? And if so, in 4 billion years is Mars going to be similar to Earth and have it's own life forms and people!?!

THEN I THOUGHT, okay, if the Earth is THAT old, how old are the other planets? If they're anywhere near the age of Earth, or even older, they would of had to conjure up some type of life form or organisms.

THEN I THOUGHT, OH MY GOD ALIENS ARE REAL.

THEN I THOUGHT, okay, if the Earth is 4 billion years old, how old is the UNIVERSE? The mere thought of this sent me into a rage. OKAY, IF THE UNIVERSE IS REALLY OLD, HOW DID IT BEGIN? Is God 4 billion years old? If so, how is that possible that we personify God as a person? There weren't even people til 4 billion years after God's creation or existence.

THEN I THOUGHT, oh my God, THEN WHAT AM I? Am I a simple product of an endlessly-aging atmosphere that can sustain life?

THEN I THOUGHT, well if the Earth is THAT old, it's bound to DIE.

THEN I THOUGHT, oh my God, the Earth could blow up at any second. That means I will DIE.

THEN I THOUGHT, I would never even know I died. If the world blew up, no one would ever even know because it would happen so quickly and instantaneously that life would be over in the smallest fraction of a moment. It'd be like blinking.

THEN I THOUGHT, what if I blink and THE WORLD IS OVER!?!?

THEN I THOUGHT, dammit, I already said I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW.

So now, my life is being measured by blinks, never knowing when my last blink will be.

Do you see how freakishly weird these series of thoughts are? And YES, this all occurred to me sequentially in my head. I literally wanted to scream.

THANK YOU MSNBC!

So, is anyone staying in Iowa City over the Easter weekend?

I am. My parents are going out to Colorado for a couple of weeks and won't be back until after Easter. So, since my brother and sister live in Colorado, most of my family will be together in Colorado for Easter except me. I'm not too upset. Easter really only involves going to church, and right now, I'm not up for it. I mean, I'll go if need be, but not on my own recognizance.

So, I'm hoping there's still life in Iowa City over the holiday weekend. Otherwise, Buster and I will have plenty of bonding time, that's for sure. Yay.

I'm nearing the finish line with the Chicago move. I have several jobs lined up that I'm applying for, and hopefully interviewing for in the very near future. I'm looking at apartments as we speak. John F. and I will potentially be rooming together, so I'm looking at some places downtown that we could afford. There's definitely a plethora of availabilites, and it's great to finally have a few options for once.

Movin' on up.

Today and yesterday have been filled with HIGHS and lows. I'll explain:

Okay, yesterday...possibly one of the worst days ever, but it did have one shining moment. So, the bad first - the entire day started off on the wrong foot. I woke up REALLY tired for some reason at 6:48 am. I went to bed relatively early (sometime after 10) thinking that I would wake up ready-to-go like normal. Oh no. Not even close. To make matters worse, it was a nasty, rainy day outside and my room felt colder than normal. So, getting out of bed wasn't a refreshing experience to say the least. Now, Buster hates rain/cold weather. He does not deal with it at all. So, as soon as I started to get out of bed, he jumps off the bed and runs underneath it (he knows that I put him outside, first thing, when I wake up). This frustrates me a bit. I can't fit under my bed, so I literally have to either become Flex Armstrong and extend my arm to ungodly lengths to reach him, or I have to literally move the bed quickly enough to expose his hiding spot and grab him. So, I chose the second option and eventually scooted him out the door. Then, I immediately got in the shower because I'm on a tight time schedule between the time I wake up and the time I go to work (6:48 - 7:46 am). I know exactly where I should be/what I should be doing per MINUTE. At 6:52 a.m. I should be in the shower, but today, I'm a little behind schedule. So, I'm showering to which I have an EXACT routine that I do in the shower every morning (is my exactness sounding like a personal problem? It may very well be...). After my shampoo/conditioner/body wash cycle, it's then time to wash my face. However, instead of using my facewash, I somehow take the shampoo bottle, lather some in my hands and start washing my face with shampoo. Not until the smell and intense burning sensation alerted my senses did I realize the mistake. I know...wow. Anyway, so after that trauma, I get dressed, make myself look pretty, and headed upstairs to make my lunch for work. I looked out the kitchen window and noticed that one of my roommates has parked her car behind mine and didn't leave her keys on the table (as is customary when doing this type of parking so that someone can move it). So, I start to freak out a little because this unknown problem will undoubtedly interfere with my time and activity schedule. So, I grab my cell phone to send her a text message asking her to move her car (I'm super super nice about it because who wants to wake up to a text message saying "wake up and move your car in the cold weather and cold house?"). I wouldn't...

Despite the urgency, I didn't want to knock on her door and wake her up because that just didn't seem appropriate to me at the time. If one of my roommates did that to me, I would probably freak out - A) I don't want people seeing me at 6 am in the morning, groggy, questionably clothed, and awake at a time when I didn't need to be, and B) it really isn't a life-or-death situation so I think this is the most non-confrontational/non-annoying method. Anyway, I forgot that I left Buster outside, so I run downstairs and let him back inside. Since it was raining, he is of course WET AS ALL HELL and muddy. So now, I have to find an old towel, clean and dry him off, and then put some baby powder on him so that he doesn't emit that "wet dog smell" that is ever so disgusting. Great, now I'm even further behind schedule and I noticed that I haven't even seen or heard any action on my roommates behalf. I look out the window and, sure enough, she hasn't moved her car, nor has she even woken up. So, I resend the same text message, open the garage door, and start my car to warm it up, thinking that maybe the ruckus would wake her. It did. So, with what seemed like 12 blankets over her head, Kristen moved her car and went back to bed. Now, by 7:46 am, I should be pulling out of my driveway and headed to work. But where am I? On my hands and knees cleaning Buster. I look up at the clock and notice that it's 7:49. Lovely. In the midst of this revelation, Buster jumps out of my hands and bolts back underneath the bed (he too knows my time schedule and knows that he is going to be put in his kennel since I'm leaving for work momentarily. I FLIPPED OUT. I still had to put on socks, put on shoes, find my jacket, find my wallet, put on my coat, grab my cell phone, lunch, and briefcase and then scurry to work. Thank you Buster for being an ass. So this time I don't even waste time moving the bed, I saw his little body at the end of the bed, so I bend over and reach down and grab him by his tail and fling him into his cage (he wasn't hurt, harmed, or psychologically-damaged by any of these events so, please, do not alert PETA). I quickly do the aforesaid action items and hop in my car to drive to work.

Oh god, this isn't even half the story and I've already written a novel. Anyway...

So, at work I have a semi-busy day ahead of me. I have a few early meetings, a bunch of tasks, and a few personal things I needed to do as well. So, I'm talking to this Jana lady about writing some education documents for the state of Hawaii. It was only supposed to be an hour long meeting, but oh no, it turned out to be 2 and a half hours long - mostly her blabbing (some blabber was even about her personal life to which I needed to know nothing about). Anyway, so we're in this conference room with several other people when the meeting finally gets over with. I'm making small talk with some people as I'm heading towards the door, not really looking at where I was going so that I could talk with the people behind me while exitting. Bad idea. I keep walking, expecting to blindly locate a door/doorhandle when I run smack dab into a glass wall. I smacked the side of my face, nose, head, and body right into a plate glass wall. I can only imagine what this looked like from the opposing side. I am in PAIN. Wow. When people do this on TV it always looks so funny, but in reality, it was horribly, horribly painful. So, as my eyes are watering-up and I'm trying to regain composure - laughing it off and acting like "wow, look at a what silly thing I just did, no big deal" type routine, it's barely possible for me to pretend to shrug it off. It hurt like a son of a bitch. So, yes, pain and humiliation. Yay for events like that. So I walk like 5 miles and 7 floors back to my desk in which, as soon as I sit down, I'm bombarded with 5000 people asking me questions, telling me random info, and then my boss assigns me to like a 100 more projects. So, I'm about ready to flip. It's already been the worst day ever, but oh no, it gets worse. When I decide to take my lunch break, I come to the realization that not only did I not BRING my lunch, I never even MADE a lunch to begin with. How could I forget that? Eating is like the number one priority every day of my life. Oh yes, I was too busy dealing with Buster and my roommate's car. So, this was a problem. I was starving. I decided to walk outside and on over to Subway to get lunch. Oh, don't worry, the weather was ideal walking weather - cold, rainy, and WINDY. So, I brave mother nature and walk to and from Subway. The meal was aight. Anyway, so a few hours elapse and I have ANOTHER TRAUMA.

So, after drinking a huge thing of water with lunch, I have to pee. Now, I hate public bathrooms. Actually, I hate ALL bathrooms except for my own. I have huge emotional/psychological problems with bathrooms and restrooms and everything associated with them. I don't know where they stem from. Anyway, I can somewhat deal with bathrooms in the area of my office because the urinals have automatic flushers, so I don't have to touch anything. Anyway, so I go into the bathroom and there is someone else already in there. BIG PROBLEM. I can't go to the bathroom when anyone else is around. However, the feeling in my bladder was disagreeing with my normal mindset, and I decided to try anyway. So, there is only one urinal in the bathroom and 2 stalls to the side of it. Don't worry, the other person in the bathroom was in the stall DIRECTLY next to the urinal. Ohhhh major problem, but then again, I overlooked it. So, I'm clearing my mind, trying to overlook the current situation at hand and think happy thoughts so that I can pee. All of a sudden I start to hear...noises. I start to smell...smells. I start to notice...tension. OH MY GOD PANIC MODE STARTS NOW. Yet again, my eyes start watering to even greater proportions. My hands start to shake and my jaw clenches tightly. I'm trying to not breathe or hear anything so I withdraw from the urinal, run to the sink in hopes of washing my hands a guiness-record speed, and getting the hell out of there. During my frenzied, erratic panic attack, I look quickly into the mirror and notice MY HAIR. What HAPPENED!? I guess I never took into regard the fact that it was RAINING AND WINDY outside when I went to lunch. My hair was of absolute HORRIFIC proportions. I swear it was standing on end in a faux hawk-gone-terribly-wrong fashion. It was as if I literally went to a London, England hairstylist and said, give me the gayest and most obnoxious haircut known to mankind. It was simply horrifying. So, with irritable bowel syndrome man still in the bathroom, I quickly just flatten my hair as much as possible. But the fun doesn't end there. I give myself another quick glance, only to notice that my eye looks puffy. Real puffy. Black-eye puffy. Oh yes - thanks to my little rendezvous with the glass wall earlier in the morning, I now have a nice shiner. It looked like I had been crying after being punched right in the eye socket. So now I have a nice red/purple bag around my eye...just to complete my magnificent day. The man in the stall started to make rustling noises with his clothes and belt, so I dry my hands and dart out the door, cursing the idea of ever leaving my bed in the first place.

But there is one highlight to the day. Yes. It came from a very unexpected place -- the Coral Ridge movie theatre. After sulking around from my horrendous day, John called me and asked if I was up for viewing a movie we had been desperately waiting to see: She's the Man

Now, some of you may read that and think, "Uh, that's probably the dumbest movie ever." John and I both expected it to be, but we find comedy and delight in such movies, so we, of course, had to see it. Let me just say that, as a whole, the movie was WONDERFUL. To me, it was really, really funny and it was just a great, light-hearted flick that I'd pay to see again. Plus, it has really good music. Soundtrack! Best 2006 movie YET.

Since I'm always the absolute LAST person to come to terms with technology -- if I buy an Ipod, will somebody teach me how to use it?

Better yet, will someone just buy me one and have like a million songs downloaded onto it already.

I'll pay you back with sexual favors.

I'm good for it.

I'm so technological/internet-savvy these days, I can barely stand it.

So, I have a MySpace now. Yes...Ryan, meet world. Whatever, I've been pretty anti-MySpace for awhile due to the fact that A LOT of people use it for sex. I mean look at the profiles - 98% of MySpace has user profile pictures that portray a guy standing in the mirror with his shirt off and is taking a picture of the reflection. Now is this because they're unable to program the self-timer on the camera, or are they just in SHEER AWE of their stomach that they had to snap a pic? I'll never figure that one out.

But seriously, the guys OD a little bit with the shirtless pictures. I especially love it when they take about a hundred shirtless pictures and in each one they're like "this is me being bored" or "I need to tan" or "this is me on Halloween." Honestly, they provide a caption that tries to trick the reader in believing that they posted the picture out of funniness, boredom or even better yet, that they naively overlooked the fact that they are shirtless and act like everything is business as usual - when in reality they're like "HOLY SHIT, WAIT TIL THE WORLD GETS A LOOK AT MY HOT BODY!"

Oh well, my pictures aren't nearly as fun as theirs, so I'm sure those people will hate me and steer clear of my site, and I'm okay with that.

In the meantime, I'm going to be spending my free time at work tweeking my site on MySpace. I mean, if I'm going to subject myself to cyber muscled body shots and teenage girls begging to get raped...I might as well be getting paid for it.

Okay, so I normally resist writing two entries in one day, however, I read another article on MSNBC.com that really pissed me off. It actually wasn't so much the article that made me mad, but rather the subject matter.

So...American Idol. This year it's easily my newest-obsessive show. I was obsessed with it back in the Locke/Aiken days to which it fizzled after that. But now it's back. It's back and better than ever. However, things aren't going the way I predicted...and that spells trouble. The final 12 line-up boasts an amazing assembly of singers. Well, some are amazing, some are interesting, some are just comical. Yet, lets keep in mind that the real point of the show is to showcase the best entertainers and singers with hopes of producing another Kelly Clarkson (which not a single winner or contestant since has even come close to). So, in the final 12 we have Chris, Mandisa, Ace, Kelly, Melissa, Paris, Kevin, Taylor, Bucky, Elliot, Lisa, and Katherine. Here is my ranking from best to absolute worst (excluding the fact that Melissa was booted last night):

1. Mandisa
2. Chris
3. Paris
4. Elliott
5. Lisa
6. Kelly
7. Ace
8. Katherine
9. Melissa
10. Taylor
11. Bucky
12. Kevin

For some strange reason, my bottom two were SAFE last night. Safe...HOW??? This is why I now hate the show: 10-12 year old girls. Kevin Corvais is easily the worst singer of the show. No, actually, he is ABSOLUTELY the worst singer. By far. Yet, he somehow escapes from being kicked off every single time. How, and more importantly, WHY is this happening? One word: fanbase. He is being kept alive because of his young, dumb, geek, Chicken Little personality that little girls are just LOVING. Why the hell would you keep somebody on a talent show when you are reminded of Chicken Little? Did you SEE the movie? You're lucky if you didn't. The duck and the pig were the only funny ones. Actually, I should state it like this: The duck and the pig were the only "funny" ones... because I had to find humor somewhere in the movie to justify spending $7 to see it. And yes...I saw it. Don't remind me.

Anyway, this piss poor singer and entertainer is being kept on the show, and is doing BETTER than the real talent simply because of his stupid little-girl fanbase. It's so frustrating. Keep in mind, these ARE NOT the same girls that made boy bands and girl bands the PHENOMENON that they once were. No, no...it's worse. These are the pre-teen little SISTERS of the boy band fanatics. Even better! I don't think they even watch the show, they just get on their cell phones (I was 18 yrs old before I had a cell phone, mind you) and they TEXT the word "Vote" (because texting is space-age technology when you're young and SO the thing to do) . I bet these are the same girls that play with "Bratz" dolls. Have you seen a Bratz doll? It's literally a Barbie-gone-Prositute-with-overwhelming-eyes-and-eye-makeup.

So, Kevin, enjoy your 15 mins now because I loathe the day when someone sees you 5 years from now and you're older, geekier, and most likely undeniably insanely AWKWARD like every other child star that gets publicity in their younger years.

And then we have that dumb-fuck, hill-billy, greasy-hair BUCKY being safe, too. Yeah...his name is really Bucky. And he has a twin brother. Yes. So, his fans came out from under their rocks and found somebody with a cellular phone via a 1998 model that someone kept in their mobile home kitchen cupboard to use "only for emergencies." (Wait until they see the smaller kinds that you can attach to your belt. Golllllly!) Anyway, since North Carolina is typically free of tornados, I guess this constitutes as an emergency. Luckily, you can't vote until 2 hours after the show, so it gave the folks some time to figure out how to use the damn phone.

Ugh. Why can't everyone be more like me and vote for the actual TALENT. Let's not make this a popularity contest. Use your head, not your weird raging hormones. Even if this was a popularity contest, would you really vote for Kevin and/or Bucky? What does that say about you? Oh who am I talking to... like any 11 yr. old girl cares what I think.

And you know that the local library is the only place in North Carolina for a hill-billy to connect to a dial-up internet connection. And none of them know where the library is...or what a library is. So, they don't care either.

And the only people that go to the library are Chinese.

And college students go there to "study." AKA Facebook.

Why do high schoolers have Facebook? High school kids suck major DICK. They're so...high school.

Can I offend anyone else? Please let me know, and I will.

I'm pissed.

P.S. I can say these things without being referred to as a racist. The Chinese thing? A joke. My roommate is some form of Chinese. I'm from a po-dunk town in Illinois, so I can also make fun of rednecks. I'm pretty sure my Dad takes advantage of cell phone belt clips too, so I win again. I also used to be in both high school and college, so there again, quadruple win. Being PC is way overrated.

Startling news from Amanda Bynes this morning on MSNBC.com. She was reportedly accused of having an eating disorder, when in reality, it was merely symptoms of mononucleosis. She was already thin to begin with, so I'm sure having mono didn't help the situation any. However, the point of this entry is that she provided quite an alarmingly ambitious truth about self-image:

"People should strive to be happy with who they are and not be obsessed with how they look. Beauty is nothing.”

Quite a mature viewpoint coming from a Nickelodeon superstar. I like it.

I've now decided to see her movie, "She's the Man." I don't care if it looks stupid. I'm mostly seeing it to support people with good attitudes and also because of the part where she goes,

"Suppppp.."

I'm sooo going to LOL when I see that part.

P.S. The LOL part is a joke. I don't LOL ever. Sometimes I'll lol...but never LOL. And god forbid the day I ever ROFLMAO.

P.S.S TTYL.

P.S.S.S LYLAS.

I resist the claim that I have an "anger management problem"...

I'm quite possibly the nicest person I know.

Karen: Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person.
Jack: Karen, you are such a female Jesus...

So, in preparation for my relocation to Chicago, I've budgeted my expenditures for the next 5 months. My goal is to be able to accommodate an $1100 budget for downtown Chicago rent. It seems to be a freakish amount of money for rent (a small 1 BR rent, nonetheless), yes, however it is completely affordable if I manage my money wisely. A monthly expenditure of $1100 is an already persistent factor in my life right now, however, that total is applied towards several items. Between my existing rent, utilities, car payment, car insurance, and gas...that amount and beyond is already accounted for every month. Let's throw in a few more bills -- 3 credit cards, cell phone, student loans, and food...that accounts for anywhere between $500-600 more on top of the 1100. Plus, it's always nice to have money for entertainment and the many "unknowns," so I enjoy the fact that I still have plenty of money left over for those needs, too. So, from month to month, I spend a lot of money. Lately, I've been spending money a little frivolously and that really needs to be monitored from now on.

But now it's time to buckle down. I have a few goals that I need to accomplish so that when I move to Chicago...I can have a phat lifestyle. For starters, I need to pay off my credit cards. I've assessed quite a large debt with these 3 pieces of plastic, and I have every intention of having them paid off before August. Now, that will not come easily. I'm going to have to sacrifice a few luxuries to make this happen. I'm setting myself on a budget of $25 for entertainment per week. All of my income is going to be directly applied to my required monthly bills, as well as setting the rest of the money aside to pay off the credit cards. Not only will this save me money after I move, it will also help my credit score, which will up my chances of being approved for an upper-end apartment.

An added bonus to this dilemma will be my income tax return. If all goes as expected, it should turn out to be a nice chunk of change. I have two options in spending it. I can either A) pay off in full one credit card or B) put it into my savings account and use it for a security deposit when I move. If I spend it on a credit card payment, I'll have to put money in a savings account to later help pay for moving costs (security deposit, movers, etc.) Either way, it's helping me out quite substantially.

I'm also cutting all unnecessary expenditures - aka - eating out (this will be hit or miss), tanning, clothes (shopping), some groceries and grooming supplies, subscriptions of various sorts, and so on. This extra money is going to be directly appointed towards the former naive-convenience of my credit-living lifestyle that has put me so far into debt. It's now time to tighten the belt and pay for the period of my life when I wore no belt at all.

Let me take the time to explain that I am extremely grateful for my life. Despite the fact that I may have been carefree with my money a few years ago, I've always had a job and means of paying for everything that I have taken on. Right now, I have an amazing job that affords me the privilege to live comfortably and allows me to live freely, regardless of bills or prices. I'm completely blessed.

With that being said, I want more. I want more out of life than paying off bills and going to work day in and day out to accomplish that. I love working. Working pays for my life. I'm not blessed with rich, accommodating parents (although I'm pretty sure they'd sell an organ or two if I ever needed any financial help), an inheritance, or any other type of financial assistance. I've always paid for every single thing I've owned or brought on upon myself, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I will never be dependent upon anyone to accommodate my life. I'll pay for it myself. So, for every bill I have, and every debt I owe, I'm going to pay for it and I'm going to move on with the comfort of knowing I have the means and responsibility of maintaining an active income and banking account.

Back to the particulars -- If I pay off the debts I now currently have, I will enter upon my "new" life with far less debt, and far better opportunities. I'm going to be reducing so many financial factors of my current life. Since I'm moving downtown, I'm selling my car. This eliminates monthly car payments, insurance, and gas (which equals out to FAR more than I currently pay for every other bill I have COMBINED). This is the main reason why my Chicago rent can be pretty high. If I reduce my automobile bills and reduce my overall debt, I'll have THAT much more money to afford a nice, urban lifestyle. Even better, if I get a roommate (which is very possible) I could snag a $2200 rent and live even better.

All in all, I have some work to do. I need to start saving, start eliminating luxuries, and start paying NOW so that I can enjoy LATER.

It's on.

Let's just say that this week has been less than thrilling so far. You know things are pretty slow when the highlight of my day is eating a peanut butter granola bar. Now, keep in mind these granola bars are AMAZINGLY delicious, however, I will be the first to admit that if eating a granola bar is the most fascinating aspect of my day - wow, my life sucks a little. But that's just my work life. Everything else is going great. Work is just really slow right now and I'm working on a proposal that isn't due until the second week in April. And if that wasn't enough, it's for the state of Idaho! Woowee, can't wait to go there. So, I have more than enough time on my hands to accomplish this. I'm sure if you ask me how things are going come April, I'll be pulling my hair out and cursing the day I ever started working here.

And isn't it ironic, don't you think...

It's like RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNN...

Okay, sorry.

I frickin LOVE Joan Cusack. Simply listening to her do the voice of the girl duck from Chicken Little on the Oscars last night sent me into hysterics. Even those stupid US Cellular commercials are funny. And then, let's not forget her role as Debbie in Addam's Family 2:

"Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache...and shop? Don't I deserve love?...and jewelry?"

She's such a funny, funny lady. Everyone should appreciate her more. Watch School of Rock. That's a good movie, too. Oh speaking of good musical movies...ummm can we say "High School Musical?" I know what you're thinking...WHAT A LAME FUCKING SHOW. My response is yes and no. It is rather lame. The bad acting, the lead male character that thinks he's fucking gorgeous because he has shaggy hair and a sensitive side, the typical snobby rich bitch girl that hates everybody, and then the shy brunette that nobody likes and I don't feel sorry for her because I probably wouldn't like her either. Oh yeah and the more-than-obvious GAY brother with jazz hands. Typical storyline here, folks. It has it's sappy, disney-themed "it's cool to be different" and "let's be friends and hug" moments that make you want to vomit, and then try to drown yourself in that very same vomit once you realize you're sitting home alone on a Friday night watching the Disney Channel.

But after that's all said and done...there are some good qualities about the movie - it's fun. It's a fun, stupid movie that doesn't make me think, or relate, or cry, or laugh. I can just sit there...watch it...and sing along (via the sing-a-long lyrics with the bouncing ball)...where's that toilet full of vomit at, it's time for a dip...and I guarantee you that for most people who watched this movie, they later went and downloaded the songs because they too are fun. And now I've come to find out that there is a Disney Special for this show that will be featuring and teaching the DANCE ROUTINES. What a ridiculous concept, but I already know that I'll watch it...if not tape it so that I can continue to practice the dance moves until I'm ready to perform the entire number with the help of my burnt cd of the soundtrack.

I know what you're thinking - how stupid, how childish, grow up, you're lame BLAH BLAH BLAH. So what. I like serious movies, too... if I can stay awake. I like documentaries. Hell, I love classical music. Excuse me for wanting to not have to be so damn serious and pretentious for a half-second to enjoy myself and to enjoy stupid stuff for what it's worth. I'm sorry I get some small joy out of watching ridiculously wholesome television made for a younger viewing audience. I mean, how many of you take great JOY in watching the "It turns out they had been drinking, what were they thinking?" commercials where the parents let their son have a party where he drank so much alcohol that he didn't wake up in the morning. What kind of drinks did they serve? Moonshine? And then they shrug it off with a lackadaisical "what were we thiiiiinkiiiiiing?" response that is so profoundly unrealistic yet so profoundly brilliant at the same time. I mean, I would stop whatever I was doing, lest Buster had choked on a chicken bone, forcing me to perform doggie heimlich maneuver to which I would probably still try to catch it between abdominal thrusts or via my peripheral vision during follow-up CPR to view this commercial. GEEZ.

I mean how many of you lovvvvvvvvvved Full House but CRINGED during the "serious" moments? You know, when that sad monotonous violin screeching comes on and Danny is about ready to verbally murder one of his daughters or Uncle Joey or Comet until they make a sad pouty face and fess up to their wacky hijinks? I mean Stephanie drove a fucking CAR through their kitchen WINDOW! Yeah, whenever I see the letter R, I too just assume it stands for Radio YOU DUMB BITCH. If this had happened to me, I'm pretty sure I'd be a disfigured burn-victim survivor right now because my Dad would have doused me with gasoline and set fire to my body. Yet, when that damn violin starts playing, Danny takes one look at Stephanie's apologetic face, gives her a nice hug, and then they skip out the front door to catch the ice cream truck like nothing happened. Notice that they didn't use the backdoor because it's BLOCKED BY THE CAR IN THEIR KITCHEN.

But other than these sappy moments...it's a great show and anyone who thinks otherwise can suck it. I'm sorry I'm not listening to the news where all they talk about is Stephanie's addiction to Meth or how one of the Olsen twins is anorexic/breaking up with her boyfriend/smoking crack/dressing like they cut out a long piece of fabric and wrapped it around their body a few times so that it can hang off their twig limbs. DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS ALL RELATED?

What's the point in life?

Oh, gluttony.

So, in celebration of Iowa's version of Mardi Gras, John and I did some gluttonous activities by eating massive amounts of bad food, and then did the same with drinking alcohol. Oh how I regret those decisions now, but at the same time I had a lot of fun. Minus the hangover.

*Side Note* American Idol is going to be DA SHIT this year. I'm obsessed already.

Anyway, for me to be out and about on a Tuesday night...let's just say it's a rare occasion. Actually, I think it's a first. Sometimes, very rarely, I'll be wild and crazy and go out on a Thursday night, but never Tuesday. So, the night was already out of the norm. We ate at El Ranchero. Nothing says Mardi Gras like a ton of mexican food. We then preceded that activity with a stop at DQ. I also received my Girl Scout Cookies that I regrettably purchased, and only did so out of obligation to appease a troop standing outside my front door. So, a few Peanut Butter Patties were enjoyed, too. We then bought and drank some Wild Vines (cheap wine of choice), followed by a few Michelob Ultras, followed by a few Bud Lights, followed by a few hurricanes at Verde.

So, Fat Tuesday has now turned into Fat Wednesday, Fat Thursday, and Fat weekend. I have a lot of working out to do. My metabolism normally doesn't allow for such frivolous activities.

But hey, live a little, right? It's Ash Wednesday and now I must rid my life of such gluttonous toxins and get as close to holiness as I possibly can.

Riiiiiiight. For Lent, I'm going to give up my hostility towards certain people in my life that make me feel hostile on a regular basis. Even though I flipped out this morning because I got a parking ticket due to a certain somebody and another certain somebody. Simply thinking about this occurrence (as well as other occurrences) are fueling my hostility, so I'm amending this lentil sacrifice and am switching it to....

I'll give up swearing and obvious sugar (which I already gave up the latter a few moons ago).

WWJD?

I sooooooooooo almost didn't come to work today. I was barely able to open my eyes this morning when my alarm went off at 6 am. In fact -- I didn't open my eyes, I shut off both my alarm clock and my cell phone with my eyes wide shut. The thing of it is...I could have stayed in bed and not gone into work -- and no one would have even noticed. My boss is in Mississippi for a proposal and a lot of people I work with in the office are on vacation. So, no one would even know/care about my whereabouts and I doubt I'll even communicate with a single person today while here. And this time, it's not on purpose.

I'm just so so so tired. I've been so busy lately with work, traveling, visiting home, driving, Buster, and my social life -- it seems like I rarely sleep. I try to set my 80 yr. old-esque bedtime of about 10:30 pm every weekday night. I haven't been anywhere near that lately. I barely slept while I was in L.A., I was in the airport all day/night on Friday and didn't get into Chicago until ungodly late, at home I slept until like 8:30 am on Saturday since my Mom made me breakfast and I couldn't turn it down, Chase slept in my bed on Saturday night to which I couldn't sleep/move and I also had to get up early for church so that I could get myself, Chase, and Spencer ready on time. Trying to shower, dress a 4 yr. old, feed and cater to a 4 month old the entire time is not very easy. So, long story short, I've gotten no sleep and I'm TIRED.

Wah, poor baby, Ryan.

I could still be working at A&F, barely making 30k a year, succoumbing to the evilness of mall-goers, and constantly going broke so that I can impress people with cheaply-made, yet overpriced clothing with holes in it -- in that respect I love my new life and career.

I'm awake.

My car's for sale! Buy it. Now. Or atleast tell your friends to buy it. Check out my facebook for it's details, or check out Mazda.com for specs on the 2006 Mazda 3. It's worth the read.

So, Valentines. Whatever.

It wasn't too bad, though. I don't know why people get so flustered by it, because really, it's just a monetary holiday, whose sole purpose is to make people buy meaningless shit. Who really wants a box of chocolates? I don't. And don't buy me chocolates and send it to work because I'll be too embarrassed to leave my office with it being in plain sight of others. I don't even like chocolate. The same idea goes for balloons and flowers. And yes, this is a hypothetical situation that involves imaginery people and imaginary events.

Anyway, I had my moments of self-pity and blah blah blah...but really, it's just bullshit anyway. The day makes no importance in the lives of anyone - single or coupled. The only real reason for people to place thought into the holiday is because girls expect gifts and guys expect to get laid. How special.

I look forward to my birthday. Now THAT'S a day to celebrate. You're all invited. No chocolates.

Funny:



Penelope: Hello, Blake.
Drake: It's Drake. Drake Bell?
Penelope: Don't care. What is it you do on Amanda's show?
Drake: A lot of things! I'm one of the co-stars. Sometimes I play Totally Kyle. Hey, you know, I'm also in a band and...
Penelope: You're wasting my life. What were the first words Amanda ever said to you?
Drake: I dunno, "Hi," I suppose.
Penelope: You're lucky. Someday she'll say hi to me too. And then I'll go unconscious, please.
Steak, have you ever written a fan letter to Amanda?
Drake: I told you, it's Drake. And no, I haven't. Oh, but I gave her a card on her birthday.
Penelope: Steak, I sent her 228 cards on her birthday, please.
Drake: My name is Drake.
Penelope: The interview is over. Thank you, please.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow!

Who.the.fuck.cares.

So, after a long weekend full of relaxing and quality time with friends, I actually woke up this morning at 6 a.m. fully awake and ready to go. It was a first. Usually, I wake up 10-15 minutes before my alarm clock goes off. Actually, I don't "wake-up" rather my eyes open and I look at the clock to see how much time I have left to sleep. Some days, I'll wake up at 2 a.m. and be ecstatic that I have 4 hours left to sleep. Other days I'll wake up at 5:57 and my heart will sink when I realize it isn't even worth sleeping for the remaining 3 minutes because I'll just lay there and wonder when I'll hear that horrid alarm clock buzz. Even with that I can't complain. I bought a new alarm clock that has a rather smart approach to waking someone up. Instead of the typical buzzer that is UNGODLY loud and horrifying - making me wake up in a desperate panic to shut it off - my new alarm clock starts off with a very subtle, sporadic beep. It'll beep quietly and progress louder and louder every second. For some reason, I can hear the quiet beeping in my dreams, and then as it gets louder, I'll realize that the noise is actually my alarm clock. Buster is well trained to the alarm clock, too. Buster sleeps right next to me every night, right by my pillow. When the alarm goes off, Buster will get up and sit on my chest and stare at me. This happens every morning. He's THAT good. However, if I don't set my alarm clock (like on weekends and such) Buster will continue to sleep until I wake up. He's a pretty amazing lil dog.

So, back to my point, this morning I awoke promptly at 6 a.m. and wasn't even groggy or resistent to getting up. Buster jumped on me and stared at me, and was even willing to go outside at my first prompt. Usually, I'll get up and head to my patio door to make Buster go outside to do his "thing" to which he runs under my bed and hides, followed by me playing mind-games with him - pretending I'm going to go upstairs do something or that it's time for him to eat, which usually coaxes him into coming out and then I grab him and throw him out the door. Yet, this morning I didn't have to do ANY of this. He darted straight outside, happily. Yay life.

God that story was COMPELLING, wasn't it?

I'm really resisting the notion of going to L.A. this week. I kind of just want a week where I don't go anywhere. The traveling is chopping up my life into a series of stressful weeks. I might be bitchy, so watch out, although I doubt it because I'm soooo naturally inclined to smile and act like everything is perfect. I like to be a source of optimism. Not for myself, but for everyone else.

God I'm nice.

Ugh, another trip to Baltimore. I'm flying out tomorrow morning and I'll be back late tomorrow night. Yay. Not.

Call me.

In the midst of one of my 98475943 emails that my Mom and I send back and forth to each other from work everyday, we get into a little fight about being critical. I say that she's too critical of me when it comes to my finances and future endeavors. She says that I'm too critical of her and that I've suddenly become unwilling to listen to her and blah blah blah.

So, then she sends me this email:

So going back to my statement that you're critical of me - I guess I'm more sensitive to your words and actions because you've always been very thoughtful and considerate of my feelings, much more so than the other kids. With you being the youngest child and my "special" boy, I have a harder time watching you move away from me, both literally and figuratively. I am very protective of you - and when I see or sense that you are doing things that will be harmful to you at some point, I try to point them out to you. Moms have an extra sense that just knows when things are not always going as well as their child would like them to believe. And I know that children also have a tendency to tell their parents what they want to hear so they don't worry or intrude. So that's where I'm coming from. Like I said, I'll get over it and at some point, I know you'll be okay with asking for or accepting my advice and not get quite as defensive. It's a normal part of family life. So just know that I love you, I miss you, and I will try to let you make your own decisions and make your own mistakes. I sure made my share, and have a lot of scars to prove it. But every once in a while, just for a moment, I wish my parents would have paid more attention and given me some advice before I learned the hard way. I only want the best for you, Ry, and I hope you realize that someday. You're my everything, you're more than you'll ever know and I would not be able to go on with life if anything ever happened to you. You're my baby. I hope you're having a great day. I'm watching Spence all day tomorrow - can't think of a better way to spend the day! Come home some time when you can, and spend some time with the boys - Chase misses you... a lot! They're growing up so fast! Love you Ry, always. Momma

So, it's times like that where my Mom makes me feel like a rotten child by telling me what she really thinks about me. People tell me to "cut the cord"...

but, why would I ever want to do that?

Nothing is more unsettling than receiving a call from your mother, in hysterics, asking if you were alive.

I'll explain this...

My Mom frantically called me this morning to make sure I was alive because a friend of hers from California just called to express her deepest sympathies. My Mom had no idea what she was talking about, obviously, and the lady insisted that she had heard that I had died from a blood clot. My Mom immediately hung up on the woman and called my cell phone. Luckily, I answered.

My Mom's friend had read somewhere in an online obituary that Ryan Sumner, originally from Illinois then later Portland, Oregon, had died from a blood clot. She, for whatever reasons, automatically thought of me, and quickly called my Mom.

I'm indeed alive, but I must say that this whole ordeal has kind of freaked me out, especially when my Mom sent me an excerpt from the obituary that her friend had read:

In Other News...
R.I.P. RYAN SUMNER
Portland's community endured another loss on Saturday, January 14th, when local musician Ryan Sumner suffered a blood clot that traveled to his heart, leading to his death. Ryan Sumner was pronounced dead at 7:31 p.m. Saturday night at Mount Allister Hospital in Portland. Born on September 9, 1982, the not-quite 24-year-old had lived with a blood condition since birth. He was found by his roommate struggling to breathe. She rushed him to the hospital, where he died peacefully.

A memorial service for Ryan Sumner will be held Sat Aug 27 at Colonel Summer's Park, SE 20th and Belmont, 1 pm.

It's not healthy for me to hear/interpret information like this. It makes me think, and that's often dangerous.

All I can do is laugh. It's funny, really.

Anywho, I have all of these random, meaningless chores on my mind. Everytime I remember one task I need to accomplish, it sends me into a frenzy of other tasks I always ignore and put off for "later"...as in never. Here's a compiled list:

1) Go to the Sprint kiosk in the mall and have the phone numbers transferred out of my old cell phone and into my new cell phone. This will help ease the pain of receiving tons of unknown calls that are followed up with disgruntled voicemails about how I never call anybody back. SWEET JESUS. This is why I avoid my voicemail. There are soooo many reasons why I avoid doing this, mostly because my old phone was ran over and is barely working, secondly I can't find my old charger to charge it up because it's dead, third I hate going to the mall even though I live 45 seconds away from it, fourth I'm not sure it's even possible to do this, which scares me because this means the disgruntled voicemails WILL NEVER END.

2) Throw away all of my old bills. I really need to invest in a paper shredder. However, I resist this idea because I recently watched a That's So Raven episode where Raven's dad has a paper shredder and he goes shred-crazy and shreds every paper in the house, including Raven's science project! Yipes! That was a sticky situation. So, I'm not going to get a paper shredder because I too would become addicted to shredding, and would consequently end up shredding Raven's homework. She'd be sooo mad at me and I wouldn't be able to sleep for weeks.

3) Seek help for my That's So Raven addiction. It's not healthy and people make fun of me for it. Raven doesn't even know me. I simply need to stop watching the back-to-back episodes at 6pm, Monday thru Friday. I'll also throw in the need to stop watching the back-to-back episodes of The Golden Girls at 5pm, Monday thru Friday. This might help stop my fantasy of being like Blanche when I get older. Hell, I'd like to be more like Blanche right, now. She's pretty sassy.

4) Do something about the 876 pairs of jeans in my closet. Especially since I never wear 871 of them. They're mostly A&F jeans that are too big, too holey, or too gross for me to wear any more. I like fitted jeans. I like jeans that flatter my ass, my legs, and my crotch. I do own all three of those features, so therefore I would like jeans that don't resemble a denim potato sack around my lower body.

5) Either buy some new glasses or start wearing my contacts. My eyes cannot take the squinting and blindness that they endure everyday from staring at these blasted computer screens. I despise my old glasses, and contacts feel foreign on my eyes, creating more problems rather than doing anything significant. People also always think I'm glaring at them, when in actuality I'm trying my best to figure out who is who and if they're ugly or not.

These 5 things haunt me in my sleep. For some reason, I keep having these recurring dreams that I'm either late for taking a biology test in high school, late for teaching my swimming lessons as the children weakly wade in the pool, causing me to scream in a wild frenzy. Buster hates it when I do that. It scares him a little. I also have dreams where I'm waiting tables (like I did when I was 16) and that I'm extremely backed up and forgetting peoples drinks and messing up bills (which I also did when I was 16) and I'll wake up with my heart racing and in a dead sweat. And anyone that knows me, knows that I hate to sweat. I can't help but notice that in all of these dreams, I'm somebody's subservient bitch. I'm never late in real life, more like 5 minutes early. However I do aim to please, and I try to go above and beyond people's expectations. Maybe this is another thing to add to my horrid to-do list.

Ryan, stop being a lil pansy bitch.

Sweet.

I'm back to normal. No more deathly-ill food poisoning symptoms, no more bed rest, no more traveling...oh wait. Nevermind that. I'm heading out to Chicago tomorrow for work. Whoopee. Yet another proposal to present. I rocked the last one though, so if it goes like it did in D.C. -- all should be well. I'll be back Saturday, so fear not Iowa City.

So, yesterday I was at the Buzz waiting for my hair appointment and HELLO -- fell in love with a random person who happened to walk in. I'll divulge more about this as soon as I get more information. I don't want to give someone more credit than they deserve, like last time.

Sweet.

Definitely just got over a horrible case of food poisoning. The worst part of it was that it was self-inflicted. The next time I offer to cook anything - re-think the situation.

It's crazy how life changes.

Yeah...crazy. I've had the craziest week of my life, I think. I've never experienced so many ups and downs. I was happy. I was desperately sad. My face hurt from laughing so much. It was the first time I've sobbed in years. A plethora of emotions...well, a plethora of events. I rang in 2006 extremely intoxicated, yet extremely happy, too. A couple days later I'd find myself barely able to face the day, nor anybody. I have this thing where I can smile at people and act like the world is a beautifully perfect place. When, in reality, I just want to tell everyone to get the fuck out of my face. I'll grit my teeth, I'll look away. But I'll still smile and pretend everything is fantastic. Kelly Clarkson said that she's forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of her life. Yeah, me too. It's not because I'm fake. I'm not fake at all. I'm very real. It's only because I'm hurting. It's because I can't get through a sentence without that quiver of sadness that reveals itself in my voice, showing my weakness. That sparks a follow-up "What's wrong?" Don't even ask. I'd suddenly turn into Jessie Spano on speed. She's so excited, she's so scared. Me too.

Work. I'd kill for a moment to myself, a day with no expectations, a lifetime of living freely. Welcome to the real world. Work has nearly killed me. Awake at 4:30 a.m., in the office by 5. Deadlines are pushing my fingers, keeping my focus. There's no way around them. Work, eat, sleep, repeat.

My dog (aka my life) is sick. Very sick. There's nothing I can do about it either, except to keep some hope, and keep him happy. If in three weeks I become a manic-depressive psychotic wreck, it's because he's gone. Let's not think about that, though.

It's crazy how life changes.

Yuck. I'm swamped at work. I'm working on a case that's worth $303 million dollars. That's a lot of pressure. If we win, dinner's on me.

Anywho, I need to start buying stuff/cleaning my condo for my New Year's Party. If you were invited, consider yourself lucky. It's very VIP.

Remember, come hot.

Oh, WOW... I'm amazed. And I'm pissed. Yeah, definitely pissed. I'm not pissed at you, because, you see, I expect that from you. That is absolutely who you are, and there's nothing much you can do to change that. You think the world is at your disposal, and that you are rare delicacy, the hero, the shining star above Iowa City. Please. You are NOTHING special. Nothing special whatsoever, and eventually, everyone comes to that realization. Hopefully sooner than later. You are a user. A leech. You can only survive if you're sucking the life out of OTHER people, because you are incapable of surviving on your own. It's pathetic. So, I'm not mad at you. You are EXACTLY who you are. Congrats. Right.

Now, YOU, I'm mad at. Well, not mad. Disappointed. And I guess I'm mad at myself for thinking you were more than what you actually are, or are proving yourself to be. All that time, all that energy, all those feelings -- what a waste of time. What a waste of my life. And the fact that I still think about this whole thing is simply fuel to the fire. How completely stupid was I to think, that there are genuinely good people on this Earth? And stupid Me for placing value on you, because, I thought you were a good one. A keeper. A follow-up. You were worth the while. You made me think that I was doing something good in my life. You made me feel good. For once, I felt like I had found someone that was different...someone better than the rest.

How stupid was I?

So, after much consideration, London is a no go. My Mom would DIE if I went that far away, and I think that I would die, too.

Wow. So, it's interesting how things work out, isn't it? Congrats on whatever it is you think you're gaining. I hope you're happy with it.

Despite what it seems, I really love life. And I'm so excited that my life makes me feel good, because that can only mean bigger and better things are to come. I'm so ready for it, too.

Major moodswing occuring...right..about..now.

So, I had a GREAT weekend with my fam. My brother and sister from Colorado drove home to Galva to see everyone for the week. Unfortunately, I was only able to see them for the weekend, but it was still some quality time. I have the BEST family ever and I guess this weekend helped me remember that. I have some great pictures on the way, so keep an eye out for that.

Anywho, so I had the chance to talk to my Mom and sister a little bit and I started to realize some stuff about myself. I am finally in the right frame of mind. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm making good decisions, and that I have good things happening, and I am surrounded by great people, and for that I am TRULY lucky. Not all 23 year olds feel like that. However, I do, and I'm grateful. I'm a very, very lucky guy.

Stream of conscienceness RANT:

Here's where my mood changes, I've been thinking about my love life lately and I've come to the conclusion that I am WAY too good for some people. Now, before you go and start hating on me and erasing my number from your cell phone, hear me out. It seems like I am SURROUNDED by a culture that assumes all relationships are based off of sex. Sex is like the glue of all relationships, whether it is sex appeal, sexual attraction, a sexual act, friends with benefits, "hook-ups" (which is such an ambiguous/undefined term), or whatever else...it's all based off of sex. Sex, sex, sex. Is that ALL that people think about these days? I know we live in a Hollywood-based society where we learn dating skills from Sex & the City and Laguna Beach and that only guys with big muscles and girls with big tits are what we all aspire to look like/be with. GIVE ME A BREAK. It's so easy to look at someone and say, "Wow, that person is hot and I'd like to have sex with them." Why do people date one another based off of physical attraction? Yes, it's important to be attracted to the person that you're seeing, but does that physicality keep you in a relationship, or does their physical appearance reveal ANYTHING about a person? F...some of the hottest people are the BIGGEST losers in existence. No one thinks that though because they're too busy imagining what they look like naked. So, people pursue one another based off of who's hot and who's going to give into a night, or week, or month of fleshly indulgence and fun. Not me, though. If you're a big, horny person, then yeah, go ahead and fuck everything in sight. I'm SO different and my friends have come to realize this about me. I want QUALITY. I want a relationship where I'm in love with a person because I KNOW that the person is PHENOMENAL, and that sex is a bonus, not a selling point. In my mind, no relationship that is based off of factors like beauty, sex, wealth, or power ever survives or is even worthwhile. Look at celebrities...NONE of them can ever stay together because they date/marry based upon their status, and money, and most importantly - their looks. Why do celebrities only date celebrities? Are they above us ugly, non-televised poor people? To them, the answer is probably yes. But all I can do is say HAAAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA to Nick and Jessica, Paris and Paris, Brad and Jen, and practically EVERY celebrity couple EVER. And you know why they all suck? Because none of them are with one another for the RIGHT reasons. It's all circumstantial. I don't want circumstances. I want reality. Looking beyond celebrities, there are people that I know that are exactly the same. EXACTLY. It's so sad, and so disturbing to see how they dictate their lives. Yes, it is their life and they can do whatever they want with it, but it's still sad. SAD. These people see lust, not love...and the difference between lust and love is SO huge, that it's pointless to even write about it. Everyone is in lust these days. Except me.

Here's my deal -- I want to FALL in love. I don't want to look at someone and say, "You're hot, I could see myself being with you." FLIPPING RIDICULOUS. In some respects, I don't even want to be initially attracted. I want to see someone, think they're "okay" and after talking, and telling jokes, and shooting the breeze, and watching movies, and holding hands, and awkward moments, and sleepless nights...I want to see the beauty that makes up their ENTIRE being, inside and out. Not just their looks, not just their clothes, not just a casual flirtation. I want to fall in love with someone that is less-than-perfect, and then in time learn that they ARE perfect...and more importantly, perfect for ME. I want to love somebody for exactly who they are, and nothing less....flaws and all. Flaws are fantastic. They make us human. And if someone can accept me for my flaws, my life, and my everything, then that is absolutely who I want to be with, and that's who I'll devote myself to, and that's who I'll give up everything and anything to be with. Love is rare, so when you find it -- take it and run with it.

See what I mean -- mood swing. You didn't see that coming, did you?

Nicole Richie's publicist just reported to the Associated Press that she and her fiancee of nine months, DJ AM, have cancelled their engagement and have split ways. The first thing that came to my mind....Nicole Richie has a publicist?

That pretty much means that I should have a publicist.

I brush my teeth, I put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on, I
Pick a book up, and then I turn the sheets down and
then I take a deep breath, and good look around...
Put on my pjs and hop into bed, I'm
half-alive but I've been mostly dead
I try and tell myself it all be alright
I just shouldn't think, anymore tonight...

Wow, what a long, tiring weekend. Don't get me wrong, it was a great weekend, but shizzzz..I'm kinda exhausted. I feel like I've neglected my friends for a couple weeks now and, for that, I'm sorry. My bad. I've just had a lot of stuff going on lately and it all kind of came together this weekend, and now that the weekend is over, I think things will get back to normal...for the most part. So, friends, I'll try to spread myself around all of you a lot more than I have been recently, because I know that's what you ALL want from me. And like Britney says, "I see nothing wrong in spreadin' myself around." And that's my prerogative, too.