there seems to be a lot of confusion as to what happened, so let me break it down for you:
i have a patio outside of my condo that houses several of my dear, lovely plants - i have sweet potato vines galore, my trusty and ginormous aloe vera plant named anderson cooper, a plant that used to sprout yellow flowers until they all dried up and fell off thus now resembling an herb of some sort, a plant that i'm not sure of its species, regardless i refer to as elephant man, a salvia plant rightfully named miley, and a mixed bag of nuts planter that contains god knows what but is hearty and alive, so i keep it around.
wow that was a lot.
at any rate, for the past month its been as hot as all get-up in chicago, so watering is an every-other-day necessity for my green babies. i keep a watering can outside under my grill, so i brought it in the house to fill up with water via the kitchen sink. so i stick the watering can under the faucet and wait for the nearly 4 minutes it takes to fill that bad boy up with wawa.
so, i'm standing there, watching the water pour into the can, thinking to myself about several ants i noticed to be feasting on my sweet potato vine. i'm writing myself a mental note to later google how to rid my poor plant of these pests when, all of a sudden, this thing emerges from my watering can.
*note, it did not emerge from my sink faucet. it emerged from the hole on top of the watering can that's used for filling it up.*
it all happened so fast i can barely put into words the thoughts and reactions that occurred at this time. all i remember is this:
alien life form.
it's an alien.
there's an alien.
omg. alien.
i sincerely thought that what was happening was alien-related. from the way the alien frog did a spiderman-like crawl from the small opening to the top of the can, it practically defied physics...and gravity for that matter...it left me dumbfounded and in shock. i had no idea what was happening! it came out of nowhere!
then my eyes, as big as saucers, locked on it. and it was hideous.
my first instinct was to bellar out a blood-curdling scream. check.
second, my body froze in fear. i liken it to when your body prepares for sudden impact or death or whatever...my body just froze in fear. i felt like a statue. my body had braced for the worst. it's as if i somehow knew that this alien was about to attack.
and it did just that.
the alien frog was sitting on top of my watering can for a mere second then leaped directly toward me. mind you, i can barely move or even blink but recognizing this alien frog meant business i violently jerked backwards and, again, screamed. in the midst of screaming, i lost track of the alien frog and had no idea where it was or what it was doing - did it somehow attach itself to me, was it climbing up me, was it even on me - i have no idea. so i immediately jerked backwards again, hitting the refridgerator, all the while thrashing and short-kicking around as if the two of us were in a huge ass brawl or, perhaps, auditioning to be a new york rockette.
while thrashing and kicking, i simultaneously ran down my hallway. i needed to remove myself from the immediate situation. i then got my bearings, checked my body for alien life, and took a breath since i'm pretty sure i hadn't breathed since laying eyes on the alien frog. i grabbed my camera - i'd need proof for later.
the alien frog was nowhere in sight so i cautiously and begrudgingly crept back into the kitchen to assess the unfolding situation.
and there it was...defying physics once again by clinging vertically onto the side of my stainless steel trash can.
*note* i grew up in the rolling cornfields of illinois. i am, true-and-true, a country boy. for god's sake a cat gave birth to a litter of kittens in my bed...while i was sleeping in it. point being, i have seen frogs before, i've held frogs before, i know what frogs look like and what they're capable of. never in my 29 years have i ever seen this kind of "frog" especially one that can stick to the side of something. frogs jump around but they do not scale trash cans, as far as i'm concerned.*
back to the story - i screamed again, a brief, emphatic scream, as just the mere sight of the thing startled me. it was lime green, it had three, pod-ish toes on each leg, it had red eyes.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?!?!?!
i took a picture. exhibit a if no one believed me.
one thing was clear - i assumed it poisonous and unpredictable. also, i need it out of my house before it attacked me or, even worse, my sweet buster bust. bright idea out of nowhere - i crept to the cupboard and took out my prized, red colander.
*i treasure this colander because 1) my mom gave it to me as a gift 2) it was red - fun, and 3) it was sturdy. i like sturdy things.
at any rate, i needed it to trap the lil sucker in order to both increase security and allow time to plot my next, strategic move.
all the while, the alien frog plotted his own move - by the time i had the colander in hand and had crept to the trash can...it was gone.
my heart stopped.
thank god it hadn't gotten too far. it had scaled the trash can all the way to the lid, then suctioned itself onto the side of my cabinet. i slowly, then quickly placed the oversized colander over the alien frog.
he didn't like that.
he jumped and thrashed. i semi-dry-heaved every time i felt his body slam against the colander. in a moment of panic, i swear i felt one of the frog's pod-like toes touch my skin through the holes of the colander causing me to nearly drop everything and abandon ship.
however, the scales of rationality quickly evened, forcing me to persist and not let go of the colander since, obviously, dropping it would free the alien frog once again. i then carefully slid the colander down the side of the cabinet and, in one swift movement, collapsed the colander tightly to the ground.
at this point i did not care if one of the frog's legs or hell, if his entire body was pinned during the collapse. sorry peta, at this point i was working off adrenaline, immense fear, and the need to survive.
after a quick visual inspection, i affirmed that he was safely and completely intact under the colander. i reached for a nearby book to set on top of the colander to negate any escape strategies the alien frog may have been considering. i of course wasn't taking any chances - i wasn't about to under-estimate his strength.
expecting the unexpected i frantically paced about the room. first, i needed to wash my hands, they were laced with poison, after all. while doing so, i kept hearing thumps coming from underneath the colander - no doubt about it, he was pissed. i needed to move quickly, so i went to the cabinet again and pulled out a small piece of tupperware. annoyed, i fumbled through the stockpile of lids and found a match.
*note to self - get lid/tupperware problem equalized and under control.*
i weighed the risk in attempting to unsecurify my secure area by, even for a second, removing the colander. i had to do it. i had to take the colander off and put the tupperware on top of him - my end thought being i needed this frog to be in the most supermax prison cell possible to which i could then securely remove him from my house.
it had to be done.
slowly and nervously, i took the book off the colander with one hand while holding it down with the other. i grabbed the tupperware and took a deep, possibly final breath.
in a swift and seamless magician-like motion, i removed the colander, located the alien frog, then slammed the tupperware over him. again, i did not factor in speed, accuracy, or pressure while placing the tupperware. fast and dirty, i thought to myself.
if something sick were to have happened, well, i'd have to endure it and proceed.
there are few options when dealing with an alien frog, i'd come to learn.
luckily, this operation went off without a hitch. the frog didn't move and was safely under the tupperware. i then slowly slid the lid underneath him. it was almost as if he was going along with this because he jumped and positioned himself exactly as i needed him to in order to not smush or scrape him with the lid. i then pressed the tupperware down onto the lid - the son of a bitch was contained.
without question - contained. all was safe.
the frog was then, almost immediately, taken to lake michigan and set free near a tree by the lakefront. i didn't know if it was a land-dwelling or water-dwelling alien frog...so i gave him both options. it was his move.
and i felt like the bigger person.
current day, i still visualize the alien frog everywhere. under everything. ready to pop out of every crevice. i can still see its red eyes and pod toes.
i am in pain, too. as i had mentioned earlier, my body froze in fear and braced for the worst. when i jerked backwards and thrashed about, i hurt my neck and back...there is an uncomfortable pinched nerve that bothers me to this very moment.
i don't care. the alien frog is gone and i better never see him again.
some people want to say that it was an innocent, harmless ATF (american tree frog?).
i beg to differ.
regardless, i battled. i conquered. and i live to tell this tale.
amen.
