if you're like me (which you should be) you wish that jennifer lopez would quit all of her lofty, underperforming day jobs and instead stick to mothering her surely bratty twins and devoting time and patience toward supporting the similarly underachieved career of her latino pet skeleton. lopez is absolutely void of any noticeable talent and public likeability, and quite frankly, would not be missed should she ever decide to leave it all behind her.
but, like many other d-list celebrities, she somehow managed to land a starring role in some oh-so typical, seen-it-a-million-times-before romantic comedy, coming to a theater near you.
run the other way!
what's funny is not how retarded the movie looks, but rather the PR machine behind it. some publicity mastermind has decided that, in order to get paying butts in the seats, they have to somehow make the movie look appealing. because, critically, it just isn't - common sense tells you that much from the mere mention of jlo's name. so, to turn a negative into a positive, what these clever little devils conjured up is nothing short of pure ticket sales revenue geniusness.
i tippa the hat.
in the back-up plan trailer, you will notice two unmistakable moneymakers:
1) the leading, hunky male lead is shirtless in nearly every frame of the trailer. tweens, teens, catholic school girls, soccer moms, stay-at-home-moms (who are totally horned up by the mere sight of all the flesh/sex they've surely been without since giving birth to madison, emma, and connor), and average-looking 20-30 yr olds who haven't been on a date in the last 6 months are without-a-doubt going to storm this movie by the migratory FLOCK to get a glimpse of this no-name yet oily, chiseled lead male actor. no one knows who he actually is but who cares about names when mama wants to count ab muscles!
and
2) i don't care how bad a show, product, or media message is - if you can somehow produce a trailer or video montage or even a soundbyte using ke$ha's megahit tik tok as the background music...you're sure to have an instaHIT blockbuster on your hands and hundred dollar bills in your pocket. regardless of how trashy and talentless ke$ha may be, that song, in some truly unique and magical way, appeals to everyone's deep down jam factor. you cannot tell me that tik tok does not make you want to get up and do some serious dancing. i personally love it. it just makes life more fun and silly. every time i hear it i'm either dancing my face off or, in my head, choreographing how a flash mob would interpret it on the streets of chicago. de-licious. if tik tok is involved - i'll watch that obnoxious minute to win it show nbc is forcing down our throats, i'll drink jack daniels, i'll buy clocks, hell, i'll even eat my words and spring for two tickets to the back-up plan.
(yes, i'd obviously bring a date - i'm not so pathetic that i'd see it alone.)
anyway, that's all you need. lonely hearts feasting on creatine-induced muscle and tik tok on the clock = recipe for success.
however, my raven symone prediction is as follows:
jlo will be a horrendous actress and further sink into oblivion (fingers crossed),
the plot will be a carbon copy of everything you've ever seen in your life,
the dog in the wheelchair/cart thing will be the only funny/cute component of the entire movie (which is also a cliched approach),
you will predict the anticlimatic ending 5 minutes into the movie, and
you will walk out of the theater having wasted precious hours of your life and eleven dollars of your hard earned money that could have gone toward purchasing jack daniels-flavored toothpaste.
shame on you. and don't say i didn't warn you.
