i noticed a few, distinct trends in human speech:
1) the need to repeat the same phrase twice in row, as an obvious time filler
and
2) asking yourself a question and then immediately answering that question, as to make a point.
lately i feel like these verbal pitfalls have taken over the earth, almost like an h1n1 communication virus. let's discuss the 1st trend, or as i like to call it "the repeat offender."
have you ever bumped into an acquaintance at an elevator, perhaps on a bus or any other type of scenario where you absolutely cannot escape and therefore are forced to initiate or be a part of some form of one-on-one conversation? typically, or at least for me, the brain goes into a frenzy, desperately pulling at any hints of generic starting points or general convo-fodder, be it about their work, a mutual friend, perhaps an inside joke, or at the absolute lamest level, the weather. whatever the subject may be, a conversation with a repeat offender goes a little something like this:
Me: hey john doe, how are you?
JD: oh hey! doing good, doing good. you?
Me: not bad. just takin the bus downtown to do some shopping...
JD: nice, nice.
Me: yeah, i heard bloomingdales was having a sale, you can't pass that up!
JD: no joke, no joke!
Me: well, this is my stop, maybe i'll see you this weekend?
JD: for sure, for sure. later.
it's people like JD that convince me repeat offenders are either
a) extremely awkward or shy individuals that have trouble formulating actual words therefore repeat the few, select words they can actually stammer out as a means to supply something to the convo
b) lamebrains that are horrible at sustaining light conversation therefore repeat things as an attempt to make it seem like they're saying more than they actually are
c) secretly hate me and are therefore, non-overtly, painting the picture for me via indifferent, awkward, one-sided conversation.
the second communication faux pas is what i call the "kate gosselin syndrome." if any of you have ever watched kate on her dreadful tlc show or perhaps on one of her many appearances on the view, you've for sure noticed that she likes to communicate by asking herself questions out loud and then answering them to get her point across:
am i exploiting my children? yes. that's obvious.
do i spend too much money on hair, makeup, and cosmetic surgery? probably, those rugrats make it all possible though, so who really cares. next question kate.
do i care that america perceives me as a megabitch, media-crazed, reality prostitute? yes and no, even though the only reason i got these itchy extensions put in was to create a whole new, relatable i'm-a-mom-just-like-you-only-with-whiter-teeth public image.
is it working? probably not.
do my children love me? of course they don't.
kate isn't the only one guilty of this. you know you all have spoken to someone mercilessly affected with kate gosselin syndrome. it's actually a decent vantage point though as it's much easier to be on the receiving end since, really, all you have to do is sit back and pretend to listen while they interview themself. or perhaps you're the perpetrator?
guilty as charged. in fact, i said this to a coworker today:
am i mad at you? no. am i sorta pissed that you ate all of the green m&m's first, especially when you are well aware of the fact that they're my favorite despite the fact that they ALL taste the same? yes.
