both sides now:
like i'm the first person to ever have to talk about this
trust me, i hate that i have to
that it's me
a different page, a different cloud
i looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun
they rain and they snow on everyone
we've all had our hopes held high
only to have them come crashing down
hard
i'm not the first person to put myself out there
but boy am i a glutton for punishment
tears and fears and feeling proud
telling you what i felt, right out loud
giving the benefit of the doubt to those who never earned it in the first place
spreading notions of happiness
i now have to dust under the rug
as if they were never there
reveling in future miseries
poking the bear
the bear being whatever it is i'm looking for, looking at
poking at it with a hesitant curiosity
stupid me
bears are never trying to be poked, and i learn that the hard way
each time.
and if you can, don't let them know
don't give yourself away.
why do i constantly feel like stuart smalley on here?
i'm good enough
i'm smart enough
and dog gone'it people like me.
oh really? then why i am listening to joni mitchell right now?
for starters, it's not because i'm happy.
i really don't know why
i really don't know what
but i do know it's masochistic.
set'em up take'em down
something's lost, but something's gained
but what?
i really don't know life at all.
i don't live in the twilight world nor does a new moon shine upon me
yet
but someday i will feel like bella.
i cringed as i wrote that, but i'm going to keep it there.
it's honest, and that's a start
oh but now, old friends they're acting strange
and they shake their heads
and they tell me that i've changed.
i don't need that.
and if i wanted that desperate feeling of validation
drowning in a dark sea of insecurity
i'd look in a mirror
leaving post-its of all my flaws, reasons why, what i probably did
what probably happened
probably.
and why things like this happen.
fuck.
what happened to me?
well, while i'm here in the mirror, peering through the post-its
might as well take a step back, reaffirm
i'm smart enough
i'm good enough
and dog gone'it people like me.
i feel a little better.
for now.
at any rate, i'm rambling
i ramble because i don't know what else to do
so many things i would have done,
but clouds got in my way.
i just want something more to this life
someone tell me to sit back and relax
and enjoy it all
but clouds got in my way.
it's life's illusions that i recall
i really don't know life, i really don't know life at all.
