dear gap,
i can see that you're doing your very best to persuade everyone and their mother that buying that ever-trendy flannel shirt this christmas season is a great idea. apparently, it's a must have! even though most of us realize that the flannel shirt trend has gone 45 miles beyond its trendville destination and, instead, merged onto the poserland exit where it got a flat tire and has been stuck on the side of the road waiting for triple A ever since.
we all get it: you're loving that red, black/navy plaid pattern something serious and wow do you love all things worn while moose hunting.
loud and clear.
but, i'm going to have to burst your winter fashion bubble by saying:
YOUR CLOTHES FIT HORRIBLY.
all of 'em. including the flannel.
everyone knows it, too...except you apparently. here, let me hold your hand while i explain this ever so delicately:
yes, your apparel looks semi-decent from afar, and yes, your sylists do a super job of making your models look extra hip in their clothes within the print ads. so flattering, right? no. we all know it's a mirage. it's all a series of strategic posturing - tucking tails in, clipping the excess back ever so snuggly. and we all know your print ads are achieved by simply not moving. you move, boom. everything is untucked and going all to hell. so what about me? i move! therefore no amount of smoke and mirrors will ever trick me into buying your product. ever. i couldn't even tell you the number of gaps i've walked into, throughout my lifetime, thinking that maybe, just maybe your clothes might finally fit the average male body, but nooooo - i walk out of your store empty-handed every.single.time.
you wanna know why? it's called a dressing room.
who would of thought?! oops. once in said dressing room...all bets are off. you've got to be kidding me. putting it nicely, if i were born of cardboard nature and later assembled into a six-sided cube for shipping and packaging purposes, then and only then would your clothes fit.
it's almost sad.
for those of us without a box shaped body, your clothes just won't fit anywhere even remotely close to spawn such a notion of, yes! buy me! i'm worth it!
not even close.
and no amount of shameless marketing could ever convince me that my broad shoulders and size 30 waist will ever be appreciated or find a flattering angle to the naked eye. and in the real world, that's what it really comes down to.
get real and hire a tailor. they could do wonders for your company.
you're welcome in advance.
love,
ryansumner
