i'm going to keep this short and sweet, but i had a dream last night that solved all quandaries. silenced all demons:
i know why i can't live in this city anymore.
it's not because of the winters, despite the brutal cold.
you were worse.
it's not because of my career, i'm thankful for mine.
and i'm thankful i found it, even tho my previous job was a dream come true.
that you ruined.
no, no ryan. that i ruined.
because of you.
its true that i rarely sweat.
but last night i woke up from a dream
a dream reality. dreamality.
and as my eyes flashed open
and my mind jolted awake
i noticed my skin glistening in the pale night sky.
realization.
at last.
i consciously never admitted this to myself
subconsciously blocked it out.
nyc wasn't too hard
you were too sweet.
i was too in love.
but here i am
still feeling like the fool
that i was
but am no longer.
and where are you now?
god knows, and i don't care.
i haven't seen you since.
its been 2 full years
and i know i can't stay here.
i've finally figured it out
why i can't get comfortable
why i've been closed off
why i'm different now.
i can live in the nicest apartment
i can smile amid the streets
among friends.
i can revel in the beauty of the city
but its never enough.
i can't escape what you did to me
how you made me feel
the stress, the embarrassment, the pain
emotional and physical.
its haunted me my entire stay
a city that haunts me, because of you.
after all, this city is because of you.
problem is, i can't stand the thought of you
which will remain
a curse
as long as i stay.
i'm not running away
that's far too easy.
i'm moving on.
finally.
it dawned on me.
oddly enough, during the dawn.
i couldn't go back to sleep
rapture in my mind
rapture in my soul
i'm finally at peace
and happy
with my accomplishments here
with my experiences
despite you.
my ego wants to hate you, but i want to thank you.
everything happens for a reason, they say.
and it did.
and i'm moving on from that
a big boy.
its finally time to leave this place that i equate with you
a beautiful city, but a haunting memory.
goodbye.
