Today's post is about my intestines and stomach. Yay!
So, I've been having issues lately.
I know, right? This post is amazing. Anyway, my stomach has been cramping something serious for the last week. Like, completely debilitating: can't move, can't think, the world stops spinning, agonizing, fetal position only-type debilitation.
At first I thought I was pregnant. Remember me talking about feeling nauseous every single morning? It was really weird. But, as it turns out, I'm not pregnant.
So later I thought I had the flu. After all, my Mom just had the flu and I was indeed home for quite some time with her, so I thought for sure she inadvertently planted that nasty bug right into my unsuspecting blood stream, which was just minding its own business, flowing and sustaining life as normal, which fully explains why my stomach was being so ultra-sensitive. I needed to just rest and it would eventually go away.
But it didn't go away. This stomach thing would come and go like a prostitute. Most times I would feel completely normal, other times I'd be on my knees.
In pain, though.
So then I blamed it on some Jewel-Osco chicken breasts I had bought earlier in the week. Upon opening the slimey chicken meat, I noticed it smelled kind of funky in its raw state. But, to no surprise of my own, I easily threw caution into the wind by cooking and eating it despite the questionable funk.
So, for sure, I was experiencing a mild form of food poisoning.
Wrong again. The pain persisted again the next morning, went away, then again at night. It was a daily basis, regularly scheduled event of painstaking proportions.
So, last night, after my latest bout of internal "vice grip" stomach cramps, I did some research: stomach ulcers. It made perfect sense (just like all of my other suspicions): I had been under a tremendous amount of stress and I'm sure an increase in stomach acid had dissolved an area of stomach lining and that my stomach pains came from the sizzling fry of each acid droplet dripping onto my pink, sensitive stomach flesh. I imagined it to be the same as when the mean weasels on Who Framed Roger Rabbit dipped that poor, innocent shoe creature into a vat of green acid.
But throughout the night, whilst in the fetal position, I thought some more: the symptoms I was experiencing weren't exactly in line with that of a stomach ulcer. Even I, Mr. I-can-turn-fiction-into-fact, couldn't stretch my real symptoms into that of something as serious as an ulcer or gastrointestinal failure. So then I got to thinking...OK Ryan, you've made every prediction under the sun about why and how you are having stomach failure on a daily basis. Put the pieces together for the love of GOD. Plus, you don't want to go to a specialty doctor and have him shove a cold, metal camera up your yoohoo, especially considering you've never even met him before.
Think, Ryan, think...
Hmm.
Thinking...
Wait a tic...there's a common thread here, somewhere, I know it. OK, so what's the last thing you eat before you experience stomach cramps? What's something you eat both in the morning (pregnancy ruled out for various reasons), after you came back from being at home (because you weren't feeling sick when you were there), after the chicken breasts, and at night before you go to bed?
HMMMMMM.........
DING DING DING.
Protein Shakes.
Here's the story: I have two protein shakes every day. One in the morning for breakfast and one after I work out at night. I usually use Designer Whey, Strawberry flavor. But, upon running out of it when I was in Wisconsin, I found a cheapo version of strawberry protein whey at Wal-Mart and bought it on the spot! I was loving Wal-Mart at the time, sorry. Anyway, so that protein turned out to be absolutely disgusting (gritty and foul tasting) but I kept drinking it anyway because I had a Sam's Club-sized vat of it to use up. That's when I started noticing the stomach issues but never associated it with the whey because I've been taking whey for quite awhile. However, when I was at my parents' house for a little R&R, I didn't take any protein whey and felt perfectly fine the whole time I was there. THEN, upon my return to Chicago, my roommate bought some egg-based protein and recommended I try it because it was supposedly a better alternative to whey. Well I tried that and sure enough, back come the stomach pains but times 1,000,000. Smartly, I then went and bought some of my own egg-based protein and drank it every morning and night...with each gulp inducing a rage against the machine that is my stomach/entire body.
So, long story short, I think my stomach is sensitive to the switching and types of protein I've been guzzling. So, the social experiment is to clear out my system of protein supplements for 2 days, monitor my stomach conditions, after that buy some Designer whey, eat as normal, and then monitor conditions after that.
I'll be sure to let you know how things turn out. I know you'll be here, patiently waiting.
