I was checking MSNBC today to see what was happening in the world and, low and behold, I stumbled upon this absolutely horrifying and gasp-evoking news headline:
Armadillos May Be Moving to Midwest
When I first read it, I thought, okay Ryan, no need to panic. Surely the Armadillos are some new basketball team or obscure, southwestern retail chain.
...say what?
THEY'RE THE ACTUAL ANIMAL!?! COMING HERE????!!!!
Oh snap. I hate armadillos. I've never actually seen one, but I've definitely seen them on TV and they are seriously sick. And I feel like I read somewhere that they're nocturnal and only come out of hiding at night to eat (feast), like opossums. I mean, opossums freak me out enough as it is because they're crazy looking and have freakishly sharp, razorblade teeth/fangs that could bite through your arm/leg with one chomp. But now I have to worry about armadillos?
You know what my beef is with them, right? Armadillos have that weirdo alien exterior and, if you've been reading my blog faithfully, you know how scared I am of aliens.
And let's not forget...armadillos scurry as a form of transportation. I don't mind animals that run or swim, but scurry? That's the worst kind. I've seen them scurry on TV, and boy do those little legs move. If one came after me, I wouldn't even have a chance to scream, let alone run before they caught up to me and did stuff.
And they're migrating north? Why? Around here? Whaaaaat? Scientists believe it's due to global warming because, apparently, it's too hot in the southwest and therefore are in search of a milder climate. I'm going to assume it's entirely too cold during the winter months for them to come as far north as Chicago (that lake breeze is a bitch in the winter!)...but still, the shrinking proximity greatly threatens my non-armadillo-loving lifestyle.
They better stay out of my soft soil!
And I know I just wrote like 700 blogs about not discriminating against those who are different and all...but, really, this struck me completely off-guard and it's going to take awhile for me to adjust and perhaps, eventually, learn more about this unfamiliar mammal whose intentions I'm not fully trusting of just yet.
Yes, yes, acceptance, equality, etc.
It'll happen, just give me a second...
