Is it possible to completely Scrooge-out and be "that guy" on Halloween? Doesn't matter, I'm doing it anyway. Now if only I could simultaneously type this post AND have my arms folded across my chest in complete disapproval...that would be ideal...
Disclaimer: Halloween is not my thing. Yes, yes...many of you absolutely LOVE Halloween, it's your favorite holiday ever, so fun...blah, blah. I get it.
I just don't share your opinion.
I think Halloween is overrated and kinda dumb. Prepare yourself, I'm gonna Scrooge-out some more, spreading my bah-humbug attitude allllll over this hizz, so here we go...
-I don't like costumes.
-I don't like when other people are dressed up in costumes. It makes me entirely uncomfortable.
-I don't like seeing every girl slutted out to the max because, nowadays, that's what Halloween really is about...just a big old slutfest for girls. Slutty, slutty. Yippee hooray. Naughty nurses, naughty Dorothy, naughty waitress, naughty police officer, naughty rag doll, naughty princess, naughty ballerina, naughty teacher, naughty maid, naughty Sarah Palin, naughty nun, naughty everything. Yes, yes. SLUT.IT.UP girls like there's no tomorrow. Let's see here, boobs-and-ass-hang-out-check...PERFECT! Just the right amount of both you naughty, naughty beer wench slut, you!
OVER IT.
-And trust me, I won't leave the guys/gays out of this equation either. They too are alllll slutted up. I wish I was going to be participating in the Halloween festivities just to see how many Michael Phelps' there are going to be. Prime, and I mean PRIME opportunity to be parading around in a Speedo and "get away with it" because, you know, it's a costume, duhhhhhh. You know the gays have been working out and solely eating chicken breasts for MONTHS in anticipation of wearing this non-original idea/piece of cloth. Tube sock? CHECK!
OVER IT.
What ever happened to putting a sheet over your head and being a ghost? I should really go as a ghost with a big, old white California King sheet hanging over my head with the only flesh made viewable being my eyeballs. I might even wear shades just to really one-up the situation.
I long for the days back in Coralville, IA when I had a house where cute, little Spidermen, and Batmen, and Winnie-the-Poohs, and Nickelodeon characters whom I have no idea what their names are/what they're supposed to be came to my door. Oh, you're some hispanic boy named Diego? Of course you are! Oh, and your brother is a...a Digimon? Oh right, Digimon, duh, how could I forget, my favorite one, too! Here's some candy. Point is, they were in ACTUAL costumes, coming up to the door and trick-or-treating...being all cute. I could pass out candy ALL.NIGHT.LONG. Just me and Lionel Richie. But, it was moments like those that made Halloween an absolute THRILL and an actual, worthwhile event.
Kids these days on the other hand. They ruined it for everybody, dagnabit!
I LOVE MY ATTITUDE. Despite my over-the-top and mostly-in-fun perspective, I'm actually just fine with the concept of Halloween and all of its glory, and again, I could really care less about which or what costume anyone decides to wear. While costumes still make me slightly uncomfortable, big picture: I realize it's all about having fun, and usually, I'm a fun-loving person. There's really no harm being done and people are just doing their thing, loving life, and that's a good thing in my book and therefore I don't harbor any negative energy toward Halloween enthusiasts/slutbags.
I just don't lose a nut over the situation like most people.
Sadly, I won't even be in the Chi for Halloween. A wedding in Iowa calls my name...but, at the same time, I'm not too terribly sad about missing out on the debauchery that is Halloween. No big deal.
After all, I get to wear my Scrooge/old-person-who-belongs-in-a-nursing-home costume every day.
