This is disgusting, but...
I keep walking into other people's farts. I know I've mentioned this before, as well as my complete hatred for the people that do it, but it keeps happening. Why do people fart so much...and in public?
Like, at bars...all the time. First of all, why would anyone do such a thing in a small, intimate area? Who farts and then runs away leaving others to wonder, "OK, who's the sick BASTARD that just did that?" Plus, I could deal without wandering eyes and pondering minds thinking, "Did YOU just do that?" No, I didn't. Adding insult to injury is the fact that a beer fart is the absolute WORSE smell in the realm of all that is obnoxiously smelly. A free floating beer fart could make even an elephant gag. No, no, it would even make the lowly dung beetle gag, even while harvesting the biggest, most endless, Sears Tower of the bug world, and overall most ginormous pile of elephant shit a beetle has ever been witness to.
Then at the gym, I was putting some weights back into the rack when BAM, it hit me. It hit me hard, too. There was an immediate rise of vomit within my throat upon the vicious odor attacking my unsuspecting state of being. Seriously, someone let one fly while lifting weights (which were probably too heavy to begin with, further resulting in an armed-and-dangerous escapee) and then immediately evacuated the area, hopefully because of embarrassment, but probably because it was the nastiest stench on Earth and anyone that is capable of producing such a thing should be relocated to the nearest landfill where they can do that sort of thing all day long with no one being the wiser.
Then, at WORK, I go to make a photocopy and waiting for me at the copy machine was not only a paper jam, but a cloud of skin-melting, eye-watering, mind-numbing, poisonous oxygen substitute. Um, did you just:
A) Leave a paper jam in the copy machine forcing someone else to open and close every tray, lid, and lever five thousand times before finding your crumpled, shredded printout of a Cosmo article informing you how to effectively seduce your hot crush into bed (Uh, for starters, my personal advice would be to start brushing your hair and perhaps, more importantly, stop farting)
and then B) Before leaving, think that oh, this would be the most perfect spot to unleash an immensely vile and heinous toxin into the air that will hopefully dissipate (but if it doesn't I could care less because my farts smell good to me) before an innocent workspace commoner stumbles upon both my lazy disrespect for office ethics and my utterly foul and nasty death spray?
Seriously people, hold it in until you're in an outside, well-ventilated area (the ideal location being underwater) or at the very least take some Beano.
It's not a request anymore.
