i dedicate this more-accurate-than-funny onion news article to anyone who has ever purchased a pair of cut-off jean shorts, fiji water, anything made by dolce and gabanna, and/or a bottle of cristal.

Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool
March 23, 2010 | ISSUE 46

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce revealed that Americans spend an astonishing $14 trillion a year on countless, usually failed attempts to look cool.

Looking cool, which the report defines as "the outward projection of an appealing and often enviable image of oneself that others perceive as requiring little to no effort," appears to be a nationwide obsession.

"To put this into perspective, the amount Americans spend on cool looking haircuts is nearly 15 times greater than the total amount spent on cancer research," said Eric Gerhardt, noted economist and lead author of the report. "Whether it's name-brand sneakers, an all-in-one espresso maker, or a pair of hip and stylish Ray-Ban sunglasses, we devote tremendous resources each year toward our conspicuous attempts at stature enhancement."

"It's pretty much an epidemic at this point," the 52-year-old professor added before pausing momentarily to adjust a small gold earring in his freshly pierced earlobe.

The report found that, in all 50 states, efforts to appear cool accounted for a greater portion of household expenditures than career training, doctor visits, and childcare combined.

In addition, Gerhardt said, even basic necessities such as food, shelter, and water are obtained based on perceived coolness, with people opting to purchase expensive Thai or Ethiopian takeout food, spend more than they can afford on homes with granite countertops, and drink bottled water for no other reason than to impress others.

"Someone like contractor Jerry Ditmas of Akron, OH, for example, who spends as much as $3,000 per annum on custom motorcycle accessories, succeeds only in looking like a bigger doofus with each wasted dollar," said Gerhardt, adding that the advertising industry, Japanese youths, and dads on vacation account for nearly a quarter of the $14 trillion. "This is in contrast to, say, [musician] Lou Reed, who spent just $11 on looking cool in 2009 and remains as cool as they come."

According to the report, researchers have isolated a previously unknown personality trait called "getting it," a variable that, while not completely understood, seems to be essential to the achievement of coolness.

"Those who we found 'get it,' or who we determined 'know the score,' succeeded nearly three times as often at looking cool as those who did not," Gerhardt said. "Unfortunately, regardless of how much money Americans spend in desperate attempts to look cool, we concluded that nearly three-quarters of the populations falls into the category of 'lame-os' or 'total lame-os.'"

This worrisome trend extends far beyond just the average citizen, however.

According to the report, a significant percentage of the $14 trillion can be traced back to the highest levels of government, with tax cuts, most defense spending, and a number of major public works such as Mount Rushmore amounting to little more than lawmakers' attempts to appear cool to constituents.

"The Cold War was essentially one huge, pathetic trying-to-look-cool race," Gerhardt said.

Asked about ways the $14 trillion might be better spent, Professor Ian Thorson, a sociologist at Georgetown University, suggested the funds be used to combat poverty, but acknowledged that donating to charities was not always effective, as even those Americans in need often spend much of the assistance they receive on trying to look cool.

"The whole thing ends up being a vicious cycle," Thorson said. "The only way this situation will ever be remedied is if people just relax and try to be themselves, you know? I mean, that's cool, man."

Added Thorson, "Right?"

Thorson said his current research indicates that true coolness may in fact come from not caring what other people think—a finding he hopes to submit to his peers for review before publishing it in a journal admired by students and colleagues alike.

A number of leading economists have already discredited the Commerce Department's report, claiming the $10 million study was undertaken for the sole purpose of looking cool by winning a bunch of government funding.

i noticed a few, distinct trends in human speech:

1) the need to repeat the same phrase twice in row, as an obvious time filler

and

2) asking yourself a question and then immediately answering that question, as to make a point.

lately i feel like these verbal pitfalls have taken over the earth, almost like an h1n1 communication virus. let's discuss the 1st trend, or as i like to call it "the repeat offender."

have you ever bumped into an acquaintance at an elevator, perhaps on a bus or any other type of scenario where you absolutely cannot escape and therefore are forced to initiate or be a part of some form of one-on-one conversation? typically, or at least for me, the brain goes into a frenzy, desperately pulling at any hints of generic starting points or general convo-fodder, be it about their work, a mutual friend, perhaps an inside joke, or at the absolute lamest level, the weather. whatever the subject may be, a conversation with a repeat offender goes a little something like this:

Me: hey john doe, how are you?
JD: oh hey! doing good, doing good. you?
Me: not bad. just takin the bus downtown to do some shopping...
JD: nice, nice.
Me: yeah, i heard bloomingdales was having a sale, you can't pass that up!
JD: no joke, no joke!
Me: well, this is my stop, maybe i'll see you this weekend?
JD: for sure, for sure. later.

it's people like JD that convince me repeat offenders are either

a) extremely awkward or shy individuals that have trouble formulating actual words therefore repeat the few, select words they can actually stammer out as a means to supply something to the convo
b) lamebrains that are horrible at sustaining light conversation therefore repeat things as an attempt to make it seem like they're saying more than they actually are
c) secretly hate me and are therefore, non-overtly, painting the picture for me via indifferent, awkward, one-sided conversation.

the second communication faux pas is what i call the "kate gosselin syndrome." if any of you have ever watched kate on her dreadful tlc show or perhaps on one of her many appearances on the view, you've for sure noticed that she likes to communicate by asking herself questions out loud and then answering them to get her point across:

am i exploiting my children? yes. that's obvious.
do i spend too much money on hair, makeup, and cosmetic surgery? probably, those rugrats make it all possible though, so who really cares. next question kate.
do i care that america perceives me as a megabitch, media-crazed, reality prostitute? yes and no, even though the only reason i got these itchy extensions put in was to create a whole new, relatable i'm-a-mom-just-like-you-only-with-whiter-teeth public image.
is it working? probably not.
do my children love me? of course they don't.

kate isn't the only one guilty of this. you know you all have spoken to someone mercilessly affected with kate gosselin syndrome. it's actually a decent vantage point though as it's much easier to be on the receiving end since, really, all you have to do is sit back and pretend to listen while they interview themself. or perhaps you're the perpetrator?

guilty as charged. in fact, i said this to a coworker today:

am i mad at you? no. am i sorta pissed that you ate all of the green m&m's first, especially when you are well aware of the fact that they're my favorite despite the fact that they ALL taste the same? yes.

how have i never seen this until now?

getting an fha home loan has been one of the most frustrating, annoying, and tedious experiences of my life. be ready to have your entire financial livelihood raped by the loaners that be.

if you're ever considering buying a home via an fha loan - feel free to ask me about the stress levels you might (will probably) experience.

could seriously punch a couple faces.

oh, and if you all are racking your brains on what to get me for a housewarming gift, i really want this restoration hardware 1950's distressed copenhagen chair:



it's even on sale!

i'm surpised and a little saddened by the sheer amount of people i know that have taken part in amateur pornography. i mean...really? that's the way you wanna make your money?

starbucks isn't hiring? i heard they were looking for a cashier at the walgreens on broadway and waveland...

to each their own but woah, ya nasty.

(and what is the company i keep these days?!)

let me set the scene for the post below:

this morning i hopped on the bus at LAX with a dream and my cardigan. just kidding...except for the cardigan part. so, per my usual work commute, i hopped on the 146 this morning and plopped down in a seat in the very back. as the bus rolled down lake shore drive making its usual stops, the bus filled up verrrry quickly. as we neared the last stop before going express to michigan avenue, i noticed a super cute yet frail older woman get on and look around for an available seat. well, there were none due to the fact that they were mostly occupied by 20-40 yr old stupid bitches. not one bitch budged an inch as granny slowly crept down the aisle, all the while holding on for dear life as the bus barreled down lsd. granny had made it all the way to the back, passing by row after row of bitch after bitch. not one bitch even flinched. as granny climbed the couple of steps to the very back of the bus i quickly offered my seat, to which she sweetly thanked me with a look of sincere appreciation on her face.

not one of the many, many bitches on that bus even attempted to get up for this sweet old lady. not one. they were all too busy reading their kindles or holding on to one of their seven bags and purses.

stupid bitches.

i'm calling you out, bitches.

(whenever i reference bitches in this blog, it is of the female species that i'm specifically referring to. i'm just telling you because, in lakeview, there are many different kinds of bitches. this post is about tacos only.)

listen up, bitches: what makes you think that, while on a CTA bus, you are somehow exempt from the moral rule (and public transportation rule of thumb) pertaining to giving up your seat to the elderly, handicapped, pregnant, injured, or small children? you stupid bitches, you ain't no exempt!

what, are you somehow so deluded and trapped in time that you believe men are the only ones expected to give up their seats for those more in need? give.me.a.break.

for the last 50+ years you women have been demanding equality - desiring a big ol' pair of cultural testicles, burning your bras, loving your feminist lifestyles, attending poetry readings, trying so, so hard to elect a female president, earning bigger salaries, anchoring your own nightly network news, but when it comes to riding a bus...

all of a sudden you all shrink back into your delicate flower/victim role and in some fucked up way believe you are the needy one? i can't stand up on a bus, i'm a woman! it's much too rough for my delicate nature! oh the vapors!

based on what? because you have a vagina?

(!)

if it were legal to abuse a woman for thinking such things, i would domestically assault the shit out of you. get back in the kitchen, raise some kids, live off of your husband's allowance! and don't forget - only speak when spoken to!

you want it bass ackwards? you got it!

bitches of 2010: when grandma, grandpa, or special eddie get on the bus, pick your lazy ass up off the seat and move it somewhere else or, god forbid, stand up. i know you can do it if you put your tiny, fashion-obsessed (omg that is so cute! you look so cute! is this totes cutes or nots?) minds to it.

i've never been known to give up my seat for any young-ish woman who is not in physical need, and i don't intend to in the near future. you, my able-bodied dear, are perfectly capable of standing up for that 10 minute ride just as much as i am. hold on tight! and i could care less about sleeping with you, so don't try to hold that over my head. obviously that strategic get-what-you-want-outta-life tactic of yours will go nowhere with this guy. the fact that you're wearing heels does nothing for me. struggle all you want. i'm more concerned about whether or not the shoes match the outfit.

stupid bitches. get up! it's 2010. find your sea legs already.

an artery turned my entire world upside down and inside out on 3/12/10. not my own artery, but my momma's. with an artery that was 99% blocked, she was moments away from a massive heart attack. i'm so, so, so fortunate to say that her doctor was a miracle worker that saved her life, the artery was surgically fixed, no further damage was done, and that life goes on.

i am one thankful boy.

one of my biggest flaws may be that i see the good and bad in everything i do.

every decision i make - can never be made simple.

but then, life is not simple.

so maybe i'm doing something right.

or am i wrong?

one of my amigos posted this on facebook and wow is it a winner. love a goofy movie, love this youtube video interpretation.

this is why you never want to live in LA for too long. things start changing.

and before you know it, you blinked, and you'll never be the same.

beating out other, less important headlines on cnn, such as the health care bill, mexican gang violence against americans, and major school closings is this gem of a news bulletin completely worth your time and attention:

"retirement home for prostitutes"

not.even.kidding. the caption reading "Two VBS.TV producers spend Mothers' Day at a retirement hope for prostitutes in Mexico. One in her 80s now sells candy. Another in her 60s wants to keep turning tricks. Watch them tell their stories."

yes, that's exactly what i need to know about, front and center. elderly prostitutes in mexico. (!?)

and, umm, turning tricks is cnn-worthy journalism? i thought that type of terminology was only used in salt-n-peppa songs?

i feel like i'm being punked and the onion traded urls with cnn as a st. patty's day prank?

i wish it were true.

what is this world coming to? my precious cnn is falling victim to sensationalism and ad sale revenue.

ugh. cnn - cool it already.

this is kind of interesting when you see components of the universe in some form of scale...



for more click here.

brilliant and inspiring.



(here's the backstory if you're unfamiliar with will phillips.)

i was worried about this one, but truly had an lol moment in the last 15 seconds that made it entirely worthwhile:

an expected laugh from the onion:

re: lohan sues e*trade over tv ad

Elizabeth Coslaw
Advertising Agent
"Man, if she overreacts that badly, I definitely won't be releasing my commercial featuring an anorexic fame-hungry sometimes-lesbian who tries on clothes at Barneys."

this is why we are stupid to think that life does not exist outside of earth's atmosphere. humans think they know everything but in reality we're barely scraping the surface. myself included.

(don't ask me why i said "humans" as if i'm an extraterrestrial. i'm not, i swear.)

that nutbag kirk cameron was on the today show this morning commenting on the death of corey haim. why is it that everyone is so surprised, shocked, and investigative of haim's death? he was a well-known drug user...not too long ago, he even admitted to taking up to 85 non-prescribed pills every day.

call me crazy, but that seems very dangerous and life threatening. i mean, i'm resistant to taking two pills a day, let alone 85...and one of my pills of choice is a life-sustaining multivitamin.

anyway, back to nutbag cameron...meredith was interviewing him to explain the ways (to all of us sinners) of how he, mr. growing pains himself, avoided the pitfalls of child stardom and remained such a normal guy.

that was so hard to type, i have no idea how meredith even posed such a question without laughing or stuttering.

first of all, why is the today show under the impression that kirk cameron and corey haim were lifelong friends? you know they haven't spoken to each other since the late 80's. you know cameron is waaay too high and mighty to be anywhere near a haim/cameron/80's icon photo op. the only perceivable way cameron would ever reach out to haim would be in some exorcism-ish, demon-revoking, hallelujah-chanting religious ritual to righteously rid haim of his evil ways and make him a true believer of whatever bullshit cameron's preaching these days.

but, if you ask me, which most people don't - both of them are/were addicts. haim was addicted to drugs. cameron is addicted to god/all-things-preachy-&-crazy.

in fact, cameron should take note of the unfortunate circumstance of what happens to addicts. the more they use, the more they abuse = the worse things become. and cameron is truly abusing the word of his god. in my opinion, he does not come across as a religious man. he doesn't come across as humble. he doesn't even come across as rational. he does, however, come across as batshit crazy.

which makes me reject anything he has to say. the mere sight of kirk cameron creeps me the eff out. get him out of here - he's liable to sacrifice a goat or toddler on behalf of human sin. ...psychopath

rip haim. rejoice in the fact that you're no longer subjected to the kirk camerons of the world judging you and acting like they're better.

he very much is not.

...psychopath

jumping pictures...is it cooler than i'm aware of, or am i just missing something big? i can't help but notice that in almost every vacation-related photo album of my near and dear facebook friends, they all have one, weird, slightly stupid thing in common.

and it looks something like this (ps i performed discretion in using a stock image despite the fact that i have access to nearly 1 million facebook pictures demonstrating this unexplained phenom, but for the sake of keeping friendships in tact, or, at the least, non-awkward during social events, here's a stock image that was weirdly readily available):



um, why is this a phenomenon? i would get it if everyone was jumping off some rocky, moss-covered cliff and falling into a blue enchanting, rainbow-etched spring (or perhaps just a cement sidewalk (sorry, i'm still kind of down in the dumps))...but they're typically very much not jumping for any cool or explainable reason.

so i ask why?

why are you all jumping at the same time, for no apparent reason other than to be photographed with your feet unattached to the ground?

you're defying gravity? you're really excited? you're on a trampoline?

that doesn't seem to be the case in any of the pics. i think they're just jumping...and in my opinion, with the sole reasoning that it's the 2009/10 hottest, most trendworthy facebook pose.

sellouts!

(in 2008, the in facebook pose was the puckered lips and peace sign combo, but you wouldn't be caught dead doing that anymore, now would you? ...didn't think so.)

so instead, you're jumping in unison...?

i don't get it.

i can't even describe it. the most horrifying feeling ever felt, my entire body shut down, frozen in fear. it's the day you dread. it's the words you never want to hear.

i still can't remove that lump in my chest. my stomach dropped. no air within my lungs.

it's going to be ok. i think...but close calls are eye openers. it changes everything. my whole world changed within mere seconds, and now everything looks, smells, and tastes different. life after.

i'll never be the same person i was when i woke up this morning. reality just became very real. i can't be so naive.

when the health, well being, and promise of the most important person in my entire world is questioned...life stops, and you just change.

in the meantime, let's think positively.

i like gaga just as much as you (sorta) but we all know the telephone video was bad (i'm talkin old-school bad, as in not good). it just didn't work, it was crazy disconnected, campy, and indulgent.

plus, gaga - that look has been done. channeling amy winehouse circa 2008?!

not your best work. or look.

i don't know about you, but i find myself coming to my blog just to listen to my nano. seriously, some good jams are hosted here. amazed with myself. i hope that every time you hear these songs in your own life, wherever you may be, that you think of me and my nanner. and then, of course, credit me endlessly for being the coolest person in the world that you don't know at all.

just do it, alright?

on repeat: eyes on fire and afternoon speaker. oh, and it takes some serious strength and resistence to not bust out in the middle of my office with a vocal performance of even angels - american idol style.

what would kara think? she'd probably just shake her neck at me and inform me that she wrote the song.

so excited. while the first twilight was epic for me, the second was pretty decent, i can only hope the third installment delivers like domino's newly formulated crust and pizza sauce. fingers.are.crossed.

ps thanks ken for the amazing find!

just posted a new nanner y'all! i'm so excited about this one, too. these songs are constantly being played in my head, with or without a nanner. i just can't forget about them...which is the merit of a really good song.

playlist:

even angels - fantasia
why? because this song is the effing shizz! i'm absolutely crazy about it. i credit it all to my bff jfest one drunken evening. the beat, the lyrics, the everything...so amazing. first step: take a deep breath. you go fantasia. just when i thought you were dead.

eyes on fire - blue foundation
okay, well this is embarrassing but i'll explain anyway. every.single.time i hear this song...i swear i jizz a little. tmi, i know, just bear with me. this song is so incredibly sexy - especially the first couple of minutes? woah. that simple, soft electric guitar strumming indifferently...then that muffled girl in the background singing ho ho ho hooooah...GETS ME EVERY TIME. so sexbot 2048. and since i have no shame in sharing my undying love for twilight, can i just say that the turquoise lighting scheme throughout twilight is also SEXPOT 2087?! i love it, i might decorate my new condo around that lighting strategy.

afternoon speaker - the sea and cake
this song is so light on the ears and soul it instantly puts me in a good, light-hearted mood - where everything is okay and anything worth a second thought gets put on the back burner. it's like a sunny saturday afternoon with a slight breeze hitting your face as you chill on the patio sipping some iced tea and reading the paper.

babyfather - sade
your daddy love come with a lifetime guarantee. finally, a song that celebrates dads. and we all know sade is workin with some deadbeats, so kudos to her for finding a real man that loves his wife and his family. we are all completely jealous. such a smooth little ditty this song is.

sweet disposition - the temper trap
okay, like most of you, i first heard this song on 500 days of summer and was captivated by the beat. very inspiring and catchy. and let's not fail in mentioning how pitch-perfect the lead singer's voice is. to a t. great song, although i recently heard diet coke use this song in one of its commercials. damn it. it'll probably be ruined very soon because of that very circumstance. i hate when cool indie stuff goes mainstream. it loses all identity and charm.

so nice (summer samba) - bebel gilberto
honestly, i first heard this song while mowwing down a burrito at chipotle. since then i've heard it every.single.time whilst, again, mowwing down one burrito after another. oops. (sometimes i get burrito bowls, ok? lay off me.) going forward, i'll liken this song back to a day when i was skinny. pre-chipotle obsession. such a nice, innocent song...very light and sprighty. which i am no longer.

inseparable - mariah carey
i love mariah carey no matter how ridiculous she is or how much you might mock her. she's music gold! she just has a way with singing some insane lyrics in a completely mesmerizing way...where it all just works and flows. my favorite part of this song being "got photos of us, on my refrigerator, videos on my phone, boy, i just can't erase them, the first text i got from you still saved in my inbox and i read it like time after time." uh, brill! lyrical genius that mariah is and that falsetto? unbeatable.

your love's a drug - leighton meester
blanket statement: i have no idea why i like this song. it's completely auto-tuned and bubble gum but the beat and melody are pretty catchy. i'm never mad at my nanner for shuffling this one into my ears. the proof is in my two-steppin bop down the sidewalk.

stranded - jay-z, bono, rihanna, and the edge
hopefully you all donated to haiti by purchasing this cd. well, atleast that's how i came across this song (in addition to having donated a lump sum amount--don't want to make it seem like i only donated because i got something in return!). i should note that i have no idea what any of the words are (i never know what jay-z is saying because of his big lips smushed up against the mic and i'm pretty sure the rest of it is in another language). i just like this song, ok?

allright - red carpet
this song emits a cool, loungey vibe that i like to play on friday nights while zoning out alone. chill music is some of my favorite stuff, which is why i love me some house music. just good beats, good vibes...makes you feel current and alive in a big city.

cold case love - rihanna
this song is a repeat favorite on the nanner playlist - mostly because i love and relate to it so, so much. we've all had a cold case love. something that starts up, endures, then somehow fizzles without recognition. or an explanation. the chemistry you once had with someone has been buried in confusion, silence, and indifference. long story short, you got a cold case on your hands. and it'll probably never be opened or solved. tough gig, atleast there's this song to get you through it. should have investigated! the love blinded eyes couldn't see. no. then i tried to cage it, but your love ain't a kind that you can keep. sing it rihanna! been there done that.

sugarfall - britney spears
i have no idea how i came across this obscure brit-brit song, but i'm so glad i did. i'm not sure if the version of sugarfall on this here nanner is the original, as i've heard several variations (i'm not even sure if it's called sugarfall or hooked on), but i like the one featured here best. it's got a kick-ass beat and it's kind of clenching, no? a little sad, a little dark? some of my favorite stuff of brit is her slower, more intimate songs. and this is definitely one of them. so many tricks up that sleeve of hers.

let it take you - goldfrapp
now talk about clenching. this song grabs you by the throat. it's moody, evocative...a true slow jam that is first and foremost on my "dim the lights" playlist. need i say more? let it take you.

so many negative things to say, so little time...

in the yhgtbfkm (you-have-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me) news:

"toyota says ads and incentives have lured buyers back"

um, anyone that knowingly and willingly purchases a toyota at this point in time deserves a failed electronic system and stuck accelerator whilst taking a once scenic, leisurely drive, hopefully somewhere in colorado or california...or any geographical location offering a tumultuous, earthly landscape of steep hillsides and/or jagged cliffs. i hope all the money you saved on that lemon-of-a-car can be quickly deposited at the nearest chase atm in heaven. and shame on you toyota...i thought euthanasia was illegal?

"catholic school rejects preschooler over lesbian parents"

i've had just about enough of the catholic church getting away with exhibiting overt discrimination, prejudice, and ignorance all in the name of their god and prehistoric belief system. it's hypocrisy in its clearest state, windexed squeaky clean for all us rational, sensible, and open-minded sinners to view clearly and accurately. this form of "christianity" is vile and ugly as well as an abomination of what our society should regard as sacred and as truth. when will people learn that god isn't a book? god isn't a passage. god is love, and whatever god or whatever path you choose to follow, make sure it's because love is behind every decision you make and every belief you hold, and not because you fear the unknown.

"lohan sues e*trade for milkaholic reference"

wow lindsay, kudos for your undeniable act of humiliation on this one. it takes a true loser to fess up to being a conniving alcoholic bitch/diva-extraordinaire. first, you want the world, and our court system, to acknowledge that your name, lindsay, is more synonymous with lohan than any other lindsay in the entire world. wow, that takes some real balls. so, apparently, you have a pair! weird! second, you claim that the context of this commercial reflects your characterization and so-called-life. which, in essence, is a public confession and proclamation of being revered by all (including yourself) as a slutty, alcoholic, untrustworthy two-timing troublestarter? touche! not only do you have a pair of balls, but after reading this news article, they are undoubtedly a ginormous, hairy pair of testicles, comparable only in size and scale to that of a drunken clydesdale. *bows*

"academy apologizes for farrah fawcett snub"

okay, honestly, who remembers farrah ever being in a movie? i don't. i never even watched her on tv. yes, it's sad that she died due to tragic illness. but, so do many people every.single.day. let's keep this in check. let's be real for a second: i'm sure every grieving family would absolutely love and cherish a public memoriam for their lost loved ones. that would be a very nice thing. but, the world doesn't work like that...mostly because it isn't necessary. that's what a funeral is for, that's what ashes and urns are for, that's what a tombstone is for. that's how the world works. that's why families celebrate the lives of the lost sometimes privately, sometimes publicly, and most times solely in their own hearts. just because her name didn't flash on a tv screen at some "distinguished" award ceremony does not mean that farrah's loss was less significant or her time on earth any less cherished. let's remember: life comes and goes--no one is above that, even celebrities. so, let's move on and keep farrah's legacy in tact for what it was -- she was a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, and a human being. rip for that alone.

we all reference this and joke about this. heck i even made a related quip a few posts ago.

what's really sad though is that it's true...what they say. are you eating dog? cat? who knows. to the chinese - it's typically not a big issue. waste not, want not...that's just how they role. food is food. typically there isn't an emotional connection to the animal.

unlike our own mindset where the emotional connection is huge.

but at the same time, it's a slippery slope - i get that. in the asian culture, pet ownership is not a priority. heck, child ownership is not a priority. there are tons of wild dogs and cats that serve no purpose there. so why not eat them? it gets them off the street, it makes money, and it's food.

and who doesn't love food?

well if it's puppy/kitty food--i don't love it. altho...

here in america, we eat just about every kind of animal we can get our mitts on, whether it be a cute baby calf, bambi, bunny rabbit, a harmless squirrel, or whatever animal may cross our path.

although i don't eat veal on principle (and despite the fact that i'm a country bumpkin, i've still never eaten deer, rabbit, or squirrel...mostly on principal alone) there's certainly no gross factor for many americans when it comes to hunting and eating meat in an unconventional way.

so it's with mixed review that i post this. what is it about a cat or dog that makes them off limits? the fact that they're domesticated pets? but in reality, dogs and cats can be wild creatures too, just as a rabbit could be. or perhaps a potbellied pig?

they're animals. we're animals. we're carnivores. they're dinner. it's the food chain.

but at the same time...we see dogs and cats as pets. so, again, off limits, right? it should be that way, but this is america and we really have no authenticity when it comes to culture. we do and say whatever whenever wherever because we are allowed choice and most times, the privelage to eat "normal" food that we didn't have to catch, cook, nor certainly ever see alive.

long story short - this video really makes me want to buy organic meat. free range, non-processed meat that doesn't have some sad story...well, other than the fact that the poor chicken died so that i could eat it up without blinking.

oops.

ugh, mixed emotion. but to me this just seems sick and cruel and i still don't really understand if i should let it...?

oh hell, i could never eat a dog or cat nor could i ever pretend to be okay with it.

i don't know how this one slipped by me but i feel like i've never, ever...ever seen this one before. ca-rumba. but, thank you youtube "recommended for you" thinga-ma-jig for recommending this, otherwise it may have gone unseen.

and mirandasings08 going unseen is just.not.acceptable.

so, here you go, enjoy. byezies!

have i seen precious? no.

have i seen mo'nique's stand up shows? yes.

therefore i can say what i'm about to say...

i think it's really ridiculous that mo'nique goes parading around to each of these award shows like she's some classy actress.

girl...you ain't. let's not kid ourselves.

you're a foul-mouthed comedian. end of story. for some reason, the director/producers of precious REALLY knew what they were doing. apparently, everyone in that movie gave stellar performances, including mariah carey and sherry shepard.

what the...how the...who the...whaaaat?

for reals?

that's something we call a MIRACLE.

long story short: count your blessings mo'nique. it ain't just because of you. hold that oscar (and every other award known to mankind) tight!

sorrz!

sorry to be the bearer of bad news. but i, ryan sumner, thee source for everything that is non-fashion related, am going to make a bold statement that may or may not upset some people.

(the last time i made a bold statement of bad news my mother emailed me to say that people were emailing her about my snarkiness)

oh, but

(it's a risk i'm willing to take, send it straight to the junk mail folder, ma!)

anyway, here we go:

formal vests are over.

specifically, this:



there are plenty of exceptions to this ryan sumner rule...but hear me out.

you know plenty of peeps that, while getting all gussied up to go to the bars, assemble an outfit that's a cigarette short of a 60's mafia throwback - dark jeans, white undershirt, buttoned-up newsie vest, boots, hair product...and then some of you like to add some contemporary flair by wearing...wait a sec while i shudder a little...a rosary to complete your outfit.

sick.

it all must really come to an end. it's been done. it's been seen. let's move on.

exception: i'm not mad at all vests, especially those that are worn casually as a layered piece, or something cotton-ish and not buttoned up...but that striped, wool vest you wear to magically attract others (with the addition of a roofie because otherwise it just won't happen with the vest alone) has got to go.

that's just one man's opinion.

as i stared at the pattern of the couch i began to think the weirdest things...

who thought of this pattern? the stitching is so unbelievably precise - how was this pattern made? what kind of machine does such magical work?

which got me thinking...how does anything work? i have no idea. look at the cell phone, we all use them, but how in the world do they work? how do our voices get zoomed up to the satellites in outer space and find their way back down, sans cord, to someone else's phone in mere nanoseconds?

beats me.

in reality i was only trying to escape what really was on my mind...

the super cute ones are always the worst ones. and i have a lengthy history to prove it.

i kept placing myself on that horrid, horrid show the bachelor. i wasn't the bachelor...i'll never be the bachelor. i'm was a contestant, of course. i'd make believe that i had victored my way down to the final two. i serve the nice guy role (obvs) and was in competition with the asshole. isn't that the way it always is?

i, of course, am not the chosen one and am completely devastated. what didn't i do, what did i say, what was the problem? nothing that a late night trip to the frozen food section of 7eleven can't temporarily fix. refrigerated peanut butter m&m's are better than sex after all.

somewhere amid the binging it hit me a) wow i'm a girl, but more importantly b) fuck all that.

i'm so much more than that. people are so much more than cute faces. i've said it a million times before: think big picture.

good things happen to good people. and good people attract other good people.

believe it, yall.

especially the part about the refrigerated m&m's.

its an entirely new and an entirely great thing to receive compliments and to, for once, feel unique.

to feel like you might be one out of a million.

it's entirely new and it's entirely wonderful.

entirely.

the only piece of evidence i'll ever need to prove that twitter is mostly used by tweens & that the parents of tweens rule the economic world:

justin bieber and/or #happy birthday justin are trending topics today and most other days.

i'm not even a 100% sure of what a justin bieber actually is, although it does not sound interesting. is it a new species of marine sealife?

additional supporting evidence of tween world domination (not that it's necessary):

miley cyrus and the jonas brothers both earned over $25m in 2009 alone.

w.t.f.

i know you all have your own, personal favorite fantasia barrino moment, but my all-time favorite fantasia experience was this little song and dance:



not only do i like that song, i was crazy about the performance. on so many levels. the simplest level being that i too like to march around my apartment the exact same way.

so much goodness: i don't know if it's the red hair, the sheer energy, the quick, choppy choreography, the marching around, the clapping, the divaness, the crack flowing through her veins, or simon's dumbfounded expression during the whole thing but

damn gina!

that was a performance.

someone's learning how to walk! ahhhh parker james you are getting too big too quickly!

here's a little secret. if you want white teeth, do not:

drink coffee,
drink soda,
consume large amounts of red wine,
avoid flossing, and
avoid dental hygiene altogether.

but here's an even better secret:

i owe my white teeth largely in part to the methods described above but also because i use ultrabrite toothpaste. it was rated #1 by consumer reports for effective tartar control, fluoride offering, and whitening capabilities.

what's better is that this toothpaste is about as cheap as it gets. i think its retail price is around $1.

word to the wise - use ultrabrite for an ultra bright smile. show me your teeth!

i learned some startling information today:

for starters, i'm pregnant and i just found out that it's a girl! her name will be temetria jenkins sumner.

second, i never knew the extent of roger ebert's illness. i just remember him as being "sick." no, no...he's not just sick. he has throat cancer and he hasn't been able to eat, drink, or speak for the last two years. wow. and then i saw his picture and about fell out of my chair:



i had no idea. no idea whatsoever. and shame on me because he's a fellow chicagoan. i love and respect ebert's reviews as i believe him to be fair, unbiased, and rather genius. he's recovering well and will soon have an electronic voice mechanism to allow him to once again communicate. may the force be with you.

but i also had no idea of his family dynamic either:



didn't see that coming.

it's amazing what you can learn in a couple minutes time.

i dedicate this blog entry to all of my readers/fans in the london area.

i love you, too!

ps. i don't own any crocs but i have a fierce addiction to euro-techies.

so, i'm not a big tv buff. some of it makes me fall asleep, some of it holds no priority over doing things in the 3d world, and most of it is completely obnoxious and cringey.

especially reality tv. it's the worst and you know it. ere go, i'm no longer watching anything reality-based. ever. and it won't be a challenge. i can't even count this as a lenten sacrifice.

and i hope the same is true for you, even though you probably have no idea why i would even say such a thing. ugh.

but c'mon...i know you all get cringed-out when watching the bachelor or the jersey shore. you have to. if you don't - something is seriously wrong with your perception of what reality really is. or maybe you're just a puke. i know i'm getting a little judgemental here, but speaking on behalf of my aging generation as well as the younger ones following right behind, we are seriously in some deep shit if this is what we regard as american culture. and you wonder why other countries hate us? i'd bomb us too.

do you think people in italy love snookie? she's not even italian. but back to my point:

the fistpumping jokes aren't funny anymore. all of the bachelorettes are cashcows with spray-on tans. the real world hasn't been real or memorable since new orleans. it's been straight up real world porn. whoopie.

i know some of you love survivor, others are crazy about the amazing race. they hold some level of purpose in their taping, but even then...it's still complete garbage.

you are becoming dumber every second you expose yourself to it. d-u-m-b. yes, call me a hater...tell me how much you hate to love it...everyone says that same line. it's so bad but i can't stop watching it!

crackheads have the same attitude. plus, here's the other downside - reality tv exists because we allow it to. because we imagine ourselves as the next big star. mostly because it requires zero talent.

the only thing it requires is a shameless attitude.

inside each and every one of us is a need to be in the spotlight. we want celebrity. we want admiration for doing absolutely nothing.

we all do. ask any professional athlete's wife. or any real housewife of. it's all the same story.

and that's exactly what reality stars get - admiration for having done absolutely nothing. look at the jersey shore. i've watched half an episode and that was plenty. i've seen those idiots everywhere on tv and feel so incredibly sorry for them. on some level they understand they're being exploited and manipulated into creating a face for vanity, stupidity, and ignorance.

and sex. don't forget sex. that's what's selling their bar promotion's cover charge.

but it's still sad. even with their name signed on the dotted line of their contract. i feel bad for their grandparents.

but what do you care? you love it, you eat it up with a nickel-polished spoon. you make it possible.

but what surprise is that? you're probably sitting on chatroulette right now thinking its a great way to meet people.

but in reality you're just watching someone masturbate.

congrats society - you suck.

women of america (add in a few gays) here's something to chew on, consider, sleep on, admit, anything...just do something (please!?):

for those of you who buy or paint any of those inspirational quotes that you tack onto the walls of your home: live, love, laugh, eat, happiness, believe, hope, blah, etc., whatevs - i got something to tell you, and there's no way around it. oof...this is gonna pinch just a little...but it's the truth. and sometimes the truth hurts...

live, laugh, love? hope, dream, believe...all of it. whatever three cutesy-wutesy words you choose - it's all reallllllly tacky.

the tackiest.

some of you have the wooden kind, some of you have the stenciled kind, some of you have the free-hand painted kind, some of you have the free-hand painted wooden stencil kind.

whatever kind you have - think it over.

it's been done a million times. the cutesy factor is over. no one is being inspired.

let it go.

invest your money in something a little more 2010, like bamboo kitchen flooring.

now that's sex.

i will live, laugh, and love on some bamboo flooring.

i think i've posted on here before about my deep, unwavering objection to dog owners who think it best to tie up their dogs to stop signs, bike racks, street lamps, and other permanently cemented objects while running errands out and about in the city.

oh, you need to make a "quick stop" to buy some stamps? oh, you think it's cool to just leave fido unmonitored and strapped up to a post office dropbox, while in the meantime myself and others are innocently passing by, not knowing whether to fear or sympathize with your abandoned pooch?

he could bite me. or he could be non-verbally begging me to dognap him because he hates you so much.

have some respect. if you're taking your dog out for a walk, don't multi-task. don't kill two birds. take your dog on an effing walk and then take him home and then buy your stamps.

from now on, every time i see a dog helplessly searching for its owner through a window storefront...i'm going to steal that dog and sell him to the chinese.

now i'm the one killing two birds: i'm helping america pay off our debt and providing dinner for an entire family.

what's the purpose behind your existence?

i'm not sure what mine is, but one thing i do know is that the energy you put out into the world has a measurable effect, an effect on either yourself or someone else. i know it to be true because i am a result. lately i've come across strangers. these strangers have no idea that they've impacted my life, but they did. and i think that's the point. my mission is simple: i'm going to start smiling more. i generally avoid making any kind of physical or emotional connection with strangers, but i observed the other day an overwhelming amount of people that smiled when no one was around, smiled as they walked, smiled as they sat.

i don't know if something spectacular happened in the neighborhood or if i wasn't included on some big joke...but i encountered multiple smiley people.

and it made me want to smile more.

not only do i want to do this, but it makes perfect sense to. i'm always the first to warn others about speaking it into existence...which means once you say something and put it out there in the world, it's there forever. regardless if anyone even heard it.

so what if i put positive, non-audible signals out into the world? what happens then?

i don't exactly know but i'm going to give it a try.

ps. my next non-audible positive vibe i'm going to start doing more of is the very scary making eye contact. not the creepo kind, but the warm, friendly, cute kind.

watch out, world.

gaga and miranda!

this is some good reporting...

"Hairstylist" Sold Drugs Not Haircuts

By Ivanna Hampton
NBCChicago.com

A Chicago gang banger's "makeover" wasn't fooling anyone, including a judge.

John Brown attempted to hide the fact that he was a Gangster Disciple and big crack cocaine supplier by opening a hair salon called Beautiful Imagez in Englewood in 2005, feds said. But he was more of a pusher than a trimmer and on Thursday, Brown pleaded guilty to drug charges.

The kingpin hairstylist may find plenty of prison pals looking for a nice hair-do.

my favorite parts: "he was more of a pusher than a trimmer..." and "Beautiful Imagez."

nice.

umm...am i the only one here that feels like tiger woods owes no one an apology besides his immediate family i.e. elin and the kids?

don't apologize to me...i've never even met you. if you want to sleep with 25 whores, go right on ahead. you don't owe me any explanations. and god knows i've created my own personal miseries via text message.

plus, are we all held to the same level of do-no-wrong expectation as this rich golf player? i hope not. i don't stand up on the 146 Michigan Express bus every day and declare extreme sorrow to every unknown passenger for not having given that geriatric woman my seat.

(first of all, there were plenty of other seats available. second of all, she was wearing a real fur coat. she didn't take pity on any of those chinchillas. third of all, i mean...if she looked like she was going to fall over and break a hip at any moment, i would have gotten up. but, mam, i see a spot two rows down right next to that weirdo-lookin man reading his dorky-ass kindle, keep'er movin. take a seat.)

anyway...

what is wrong with our society?

we love to play the victim even when we are anything but.

let's discuss this article, shall we:

Tina Fey: ‘I don’t weigh myself’
Actress tells Vogue she lets fit of her clothes decide if she’s gained weight

“30 Rock” star and Vogue’s new cover model Tina Fey says she doesn’t obsess about her figure — explaining that she lets the fit of her clothes decide if she’s gained weight.

“I don’t weigh myself. I just go by if my clothes fit,” the writer/actress told Vogue in its March issue. “I try not to participate too much in the incredible amount of wasted energy that women have around dealing with food.”

Fey says that being in front of the camera has been a good motivator to stay fit.

“I just feel like being healthy is sort of a job requirement to be on TV, and being a writer is so much coping with fatigue and stress, and you just eat. You eat to stay awake,” she continued.

Before appearing on NBC’s “Saturday Night Live,” Fey said she lost 30 pounds.

“I’ve never gone back up,” she told the mag. “Well … I have had a baby. I gained 35 pounds … and had a 5-pound baby.”

She explained that she sees both the pros and cons of the fashion industry.

“People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’ — but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating. Maybe it just starts a shame cycle: I’m never going to look like that model, so … Chicken McNuggets it is!” she said.

“And conversely, I don’t look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and feet … the women I grew up around were curvy … there wasn’t this value on skinny, skinny, skinny. Curvy was clearly meant to be the winner. I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.”

Fey said she hopes she’s someone in Hollywood that the everyday woman can relate to.

“I feel like I represent normalcy in some way. What are your choices today in entertainment? People either represent youth, power, or sexuality. And then there’s me, carrying normalcy,” she said. “Me and Rachael Ray.”

okay, so i obviously have an opinion that i'd like to...weigh in on. sorry, i had to. this is yet another reason why i absolutely adore tina fey - her complete honesty and sense of rationality.

i live in a world that cannot escape its own vanity. close to home or far away, figuratively, i'm surrounded by narcissism. men have no sense of control when it comes to controlling their body image. they think they are in complete control, but in reality they're nowhere even close. if you want to see insecurity at its finest, go to any gym in the lakeview area. wow. also, go to any of the bars on halsted. double wow. never in your life (unless you live in LA) have you seen such insecure, attention-needy, and FIT people. these men work out incessantly, their diet consists of anything with a GNC or Vitamin World logo on it (add in some rice, raw meat, and eggs) and the juice between their heads and their muscle is FLOWIN.

these men are completely consumed with how they look in the mirror. they flex, they pose, they check out their butts, they freak out at the thought of sugar, they constantly count heads that may have turned in their direction. they're desperately seeking the stare of a stranger. eye contact is all they need to reassure oneself that they are looking good tonight. they have their tightest t on, they pout their lips, they practice their "i'm so distracted right now i have no time to acknowledge your existence" shuffle. it's like clockwork.

while these men may have the bodies that attract the eye, while they may get the attention they seek, and while they may have the notches in their bedpost to measure their success -- they are nothing but a shell. their body image is so skewed they have no real perception of who they really are. but who can blame them? with a schedule that consists of hours at the gym everyday, constantly counting calories, measuring scoopfuls of whey protein, and reading the protein content on everything that they buy...who has time to work on "the self?"

instead of subscribing to a moderated, healthy lifestyle...they're all about instant gratification. they want to look good now. they want their biceps to out measure yours. they want to steal your boyfriend or girlfriend. they want it all i.e. your attention. but could they throw a punch? oh, probably not, but to them, by the sheer size of their arm you'd never know that. but it's true. it's all smoke and mirrors. just because they pile on some temporary muscle mass, by no means does that mean they are strong. they can lift heavy stuff, sure, but could they wrestle someone and win? doubt it. show me your time after finishing a triathalon. oh, you drowned during the swimming portion? makes sense.

these gym bunnies aren't athletes, they aren't the pinnacles of health. they starve, they diet, they withhold, they push their bodies hard...there's no sense of long term personal responsibility to their well-being. it's the here and now. it's all about the mental instant gratification and measurable attention. if they're doing anything, they're building an exterior that is produced, not earned or merited.

find any of these "hot muscle boys" in ten years...they'll have the same story of your high school sport superstars. remember how in shape and goodlooking they used to be? at some point their "extreme diets and workout regimens" began to slow...and then cease...and then WOAH. that muscle turned to fat real quick. they let themself go. after all, they have no idea what a real diet is...one that consists of eating healthy, eating in moderation, and all while not depriving yourself of food with fat, sugar, butter, or anything that comes with sprinkles.

life is short you guys. tina fey said it best when she said "I don’t look at models who are crazy skinny and think I want to look like that, because a lot of them are gigantic, with giant hands and feet."

wow is that true. what's almost humorous is - go get a close-up of any of these "hot guys" and take a look at their face. ask them to smile. get a reference from someone they recently dated. find out what their resume includes. ask them what they think about universal healthcare.

while anyone can have an impressive body, you can't build-a-face and you can't escape a delusional personality disorder.

another sentence of tina's perfectly summed up my own personal outlook on life. perfectly. i absolutely treasure the confines of feeling like a "normal" human being. i work out, i eat right, i measure the results by how i look in my clothes. i like to stay active. but i truly know if i'm doing things right if i feel like a normal human being. nothing i do is extreme. i'm not cutting out carbs or cheese. i'm not hiring a personal trainer so that i can get a six pack. i'm healthy and i'm happy. enough said: “I feel like I represent normalcy in some way. What are your choices today in entertainment? People either represent youth, power, or sexuality. And then there’s me, carrying normalcy,” she said. “Me and Rachael Ray.”

perfect.

guys - eat in moderation. be fit. exercise. go on a walk and get some fresh air. taste your food. live your life. vanity is like money...you think it's going to get you what you want out of life, but after you have it, you may find yourself at your lowest point ever. don't waste your time trying to appear like something that you're not. if you don't love the total package that makes up who you really are, no one else will love you either. nobody wants to date your ego, except perhaps other nobodies.

so be very careful. be happy with yourself. be rational. be kind. and be a good person.

think long term. are you going to keep up this extreme dog-and-pony show for the rest of your life? i highly doubt it. but if you manage to, i bet you're still single when you're 65...still creepin around that same old bar in that same tight t. how will you ever find love if you're completely in love with yourself?

don't get caught up in your bodily self-image. it's really not worth it. it's hazardous to your health. find happiness.

"I go up and down a few pounds with a relative amount of kindness to myself. And I have a daughter, and I don’t want her to waste her time on all of that.”

well said.

okay, michael hartz if you're reading this -- don't get mad at me. this was just TOO good not to share. it truly brightened my day.

so mhartz posted a facebook status message about elton john saying that he thought jesus was gay and that it's hard to be a gay man and not be crucified for it...yada yada.

so peeps keep leaving comments on it, therefore this status message keeps resurfacing to the top of my newsfeed. luckily, while randomly checking facebook, mhartz's status thing popped back up again and i read thee funniest comment i have probably ever read:

a man who shall remain somewhat anonymous (or perhaps not at all after i post this) left a comment saying: "try being a straight man that everyone thinks is gay"...which i thought was absolutely funny-as-all-hell and i totally get his point. that would suck.

but here's what really had me rolling...and, i'm sorry, i can't even blur out his face because it is too integral to the funny factor. here is the straight guy's facebook profile picture:



ummm, hilarious!!!!!! so everyone thinks this guy is gay? um, of course you do! why would anyone assume anything different? ugh, precious. and i love that this guy has a sense of humor about it all, because it is indeed humorous. i'm sure he's an awesome guy because of this one factor alone. i want to be friends with him so bad.

but let's also look at this scenario from a different perspective: so this guy knows he perpetuating the stereotype of a gay man in 2010 and has complete control of his outward appearance. complete control. i dress myself every morning, too. so, if his misinterpretation were truly a big enough day-to-day problem to the point that it negatively affected his life (and his love life), one would assume he'd handle the situation as necessary, i.e. changing his style a little to reflect something a little more...masculine, right?

well, you'd be wrong. this is what he is and he isn't apologizing for it. i love it. right on. who wants to purposely stifle their life or outward appearance just because people may make inaccurate assumptions?

i don't think anyone should have to do that.

but the bad thing is: we all are guilty of doing exactly that. we all judge! if i saw this guy walking down the street in chicago, i'd be like " oh hey gay, how you is?"

yep, guilty. so, obviously this guy is going to be, without fail, passed up by chick, after chick, after chick...all because of his own life choices.

and i love him for that.

because from the looks of it - he's not into chicks.

but he is!

oh, life.

uhhh did this door girl just tell lauren conrad to wait in LINE?! ohhhh she so tried to, but smart ol'LC talked her way outta that one:

is it okay if we just...you know *wink*

uh, yes ms. conrad, YOU GO RIGHT ON AHEAD!

that melody-lookin door snatch needs to be

a. fired,
b. tarred, and then
c. feathered.

look me in the eyes and tell me you don't know every single lyric to this song. i know i do.

i'll take a shower, i will scour, i will ruuuuuuuub...

i think i opened the floodgates when mentioning my "blog writing style" in a few posts back. since then, i've received numerous emales about how i write and, interestingly, my intelligence (or lack thereof).

for example, one reader wrote:

why don't you take the time to make your blog more readable? i never understand what you're talking about and it doesn't read well. it reads like you're talking off the top of your head instead of engaging your readers to a point you want to make.

my answer is this:

sooo very rarely am i trying to make a point, especially a point i want to communicate to an audience. it's never that important. if anything, i almost always write via a stream of consciousness. i have a thought, i then expand upon it via a blog post, i click submit, and i hold no personal expectation of anything happening thereafter. i don't wonder if i communicated clearly or correctly. i almost never go back to fix spelling errors after the initial spell check. i don't ask for feedback. i'm not here to impress anyone. that was never my intention and it certainly isn't something i will try to improve upon in the future. this isn't graded. this isn't going to senate review. it's not being printed for mass distribution. no bigwig headhunters are scouting obscure blog writers for the next...perez hilton (his writing ability is unarguably at a 3rd grade level beeteedub, so if he's the competition then i should be considered the freakin tolstoy of the blogosphere). so, in the words of a faux joy behar, so what, who cares?

i'm big into blogs, and i actually read quite a few that aren't on my ilike list. i mainly read blogs because i enjoy reading the varying perspectives of others...and rarely do i judge their writing style. i'm basically content if bloggers spell things correctly and use 101 grammar.

trust me, many MANY blogs read like college essays...which i don't care for. i especially hate intro, body, conclusion type blogs. it just takes me back to my college days where i wrote ENDLESS amounts of formal essays. i'm so over that. i'm not saying every blog should reflect a writing style of rosie o'donnell...but to each their own. do what you want, no one is making me read their blog, and vice versa with my own.

i think a lot of the bloggers who aim to impress their readers via a sophisticated writing style are probably non-writers who like to write. they're IT managers who write scripts. or perhaps actors who think they're jennifer lopez by being able to sing, dance, act, AND write because, you know, they're "artistic."

whatever the case may be, i can spot it a hundred miles away. so much of their writing is tainted by their own ego and, therefore, no longer comes across as super intelligent, but showy...what, with their big words, flashy transitions, and white glove grammar. laa dee! do what you gotta do, but i don't believe it necessarily makes reading their work any more impressive or fun than someone who writes like myself. i, myself, tend to gravitate toward a writing style that's a little more vulnerable...a little more human-to-human. instead of an egotistical writer building a wall between their work and their readers...i much prefer they construct a picket fence. something slightly see-through. let's understand one another, shall we? let's relate. yes, writing is a skill and we like to take pride in it if we can do so, especially considering a large portion of our society cannot write worth a damn...just read any youtube comment or twitter @response. but let's come back down to earth - blogs are about communicating. and, since i hold skill (and an education) in writing, i like to translate my writing to my audience on a slightly different perception level. i want you to read what i think as well as how or why that thought occurred. and wow those thoughts are almost never clean, literally or figuratively. but they're mine, and i want to share them with you. i don't mind showing flaw, weakness, or imperfection in my writing or within the subject of my writing. that's what a blog is about, right?

and if you don't believe that line of bullshit, just cut me some slack already. it just is what it is. i write on this blog almost every day, several times a day. so what if i don't provide you with masterpiece literature - that doesn't mean i'm lazy or stupid. in my opinion, i've been known to publish some nicely written opinion pieces...but i certainly don't have the time, strength, or energy to do that on a daily basis, multiple times a day.

i have a full-time job and a social life, you know.

and just for clarification...that doesn't mean this well is dry.

:) no sirree. that's not the case at all. i'm very excited and encouraged about the potential of you know who and you know what (if you're fortunate enough to be on the inside)...

but i'm thinking big picture here. which is probably not advisable but i can't help myself. my sister and brothers are living (and loving) that big picture. my time is coming, and i'm loving life too in the meantime, sometimes i just get a little jealous i guess.

omg i'm human!?

it's kind of discouraging. my family is growing so rapidly with all of these babies and in-laws...but none of it is coming from me.

unless you count busta bust sumner. but let's keep this real, shall we.

i'm so far from having a family of my own.

so discouraging.

this is so interesting and admirable. it really makes you think about what's important in life: money or happiness

kudos to him.

i had to google who alexander mcqueen was. my excuse: i have no fashion knowledge whatsoever. designers? um, don't really know any. if it weren't for project runway i wouldn't know who's in and who's out. fashion mags? don't read them. labels? american apparel, diesel, nike, and urban outfitter is typically the best i can do.

however, r.i.p on a human-to-human level. suicide is always so tragic.

new miranda!

i really can't wait...in a couple years, we're all going to look back and LAUGH at how ridiculous fashion glasses were. and you all know what fashion glasses are and if you're guilty of wearing them...well...i hope you at least look cute in them. if you don't know what they are, just go into any american apparel or urban outfitters store and talk to the employees there. you'll immediately differentiate between customer and employee because employees at those stores love them some fashion glasses. which is fine. to each their own. i will absolutely merit that fashion glasses look cool on some people...but not everyone, which translates to = probably not you. so, for all of our sake, i hope the realization of how absolutely ridiculous they are comes sooo much sooner than later.



see, even yours truly is guilty. actually, this rare moment in fashion glasses history was just for the sake of the photo op. that stunning pair actually belonged to the other guy in the pic, lil p(ray), who i must say looked great in them. but still, in my narrow opinion: if they're not prescription, do the world a favor - take'em off.

thanks in advance!

they never cease to amaze me. lovin hunter and jessica, as ewesh-zies. love love love em.

as ewe-sh, i have to do everything myself-skies.
yeah and this ass raider totally passed out in the dumpster behind the new W...
hi-zies.
okaaay precious...
um, i don't want you to because you work at cashforgold.com.
anywaaayz.
um ps. i totally gave dane cook an hj in the bushes at runyon.
he did.
thank you.
well fuck you, you fucking kohl's spokesperson!
yeah, cuz momma needs a refill. shots shots shot-shot-shot shots!

i wish i could somehow get paid for

pouring a glass of water,
drinking two sips of it,
then setting the glass down in a random location of my apartment and letting it remain there for quite some time...only for me to pour an entirely new glass mere hours later.

i'd be a millionaire.

and, i would love my job because, apparently, it's my all-time favorite activity considering how much i do it, well, next to not throwing away bottles of shampoo even though they're empty and have been so for weeks.

secret hoarder?

omgggg i was rolling on the ground in laughter (rotgil) while reading some recent google search entries of people querying my blog or somehow linking to my blog from a search engine...all around hilariousness. yes its my new word. anyway:



"the pretzels in chex mix are a buzzkill."

pure genius. even though i totally disagree with that statement, depending on the chex mix flavors at hand of course. chex mix presents some good options nowadays - in fact i think one flavor is entirely devoted to all-things-caramel. yum! gone are the days when you just threw some generic chex cereal and nuts into a bowl and mixed in some butter. sorry grandma! anyway, back to my point, i actually look forward to the pretzels...if there's anything buzzkill about chex mix it's easily the darker-colored chex pieces. wtf are those? whole grain?! sick. up out my face.

but still, a hilarious search entry and double hilariousness points for the fact that somehow my blog came up as a match to it.

wow. i love my life.

LML! - woah cool, i'm copyrighting that shit!

this is my kind of dialogue: dramatic. creative. altered. i love every second of it.

ps. that's also how i hit. dead.on.

revelations:

i don't claim to be fashionable. most days i wear jeans, tshirts, and cardigans. major staples in my life. i have more to offer than just buying clothes and hoping they impress someone. plus, it's the man that makes the clothes, not the other way around. or so you'll find out. too many of you think that by dressing all kooky you're gonna go somewhere in life. good luck with that.

i only use oversized spoons. regular sized spoons just aren't big enough in accomplishing the beautiful art of shoveling.

i'm often perceived to be bitchy, judgemental, critical, narcissistic, an elitist...when in fact i'm none of the above, really. do i make judgements? sure. we all do. but is any of it hurtful, blind, or caustic? no. in all actuality, i've never met someone who didn't like me on some human level. i'm very friendly, i can talk to anyone, and i have very few enemies, if any. don't assume that just because i express my opinion, frequently, that i will have an opinion on you. i'm sure you're cool. it's all cool, don't worry.

i think about taco bell almost every.single.day yet i haven't eaten there in almost 3 years. yes, i know the exact date of my last visit.

i feel like i have a lot to offer. anyone that doesn't realize that doesn't deserve any portion of it. i know i often write as if i'm hurt and jaded, but again, i'm not. i just wear my heart on my sleeve and am vurry sensitive.

i've completely embraced using/wearing a snuggie.

the way i write on this blog is completely unpretentious. yes, i write for a living. people (non-related) believe me to be a decent writer, on some level, and pay me an annual salary to do such. however, writing professionally and writing a blog are two different adventures. here i like to be myself. i like to write shorthand. i keep things choppy and non-sentencey. i make up words and i almost never use big words. respectable grammar is not on the agenda. if anything, this blog is merely a stream of consciousness/outpouring of bullshit. i almost never talk about this blog in the 3d world because often i feel people will come here, look at this dog-and-pony show, and then get all huffy when they don't understand or appreciate what i do. it's not serious yall. "he calls himself a writer?!" yes, i am a writer. and some day i'll write a book and laugh the entire way to the bank.

i don't drink pop. i don't drink coffee. i don't like red bull. my only source of caffeine comes from a minute, daily intake of green tea. but, i'm freakishly concerned that drinking green tea will in turn make my teeth green. i'm equally freakish about maintaining white teeth. what's a worry wart to do?

if you follow me anywhere or know me in real life...you've noticed that i change my mind on an hour if not millisecond basis. i'm in then i'm out. up and down. hot and cold. yes and no. you get it. don't hate. relate. i'm over it, are you? now let's be under it.

kgottago.

his love don't come with a lifetime guarantee.

never settle.

we all deserve to be appreciated 100% of the time
we all deserve 100% committment
we all deserve 100%

i deserve 100%.

anything less will never be enough.

you haven't tried like i hoped you would.

next.

does this do anything for anybody?

it does for me.



segaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! you know you did it every.single.time before playing sonic.

thanks a lot, sis, for leaving our cherished sega behind in some dumpy college apartment for some upcoming idiot frat guys to enjoy!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i miss you, tails.

hey freaks guess what - i'm hopping back on the twitter bandwagon. yeehaw!

i kinda miss it. i kinda want to start writing quips and jabs. i kinda want to stalk others.

tmi, but whatever, it's all true.

ryansumnerblog is the twitter name. wear it out.

i'll try to reconnect with my twitter friends of yore.

i promise to be better to you.

my newest nephew/niece. can't wait to see what the 6th sumner offspring will bring to an already very large table :)

don't forget the nanner over to your right. it's housing some great tunes that i'm particularly loving at the moment.

i'm absolutely crazy about imogen's new(ish) cd. absolutely love it - my favorites being little bird (featured on the nanner), canvas, bad body double, and wait it out. absolutely amazing...great, great sit-back-and-reflect music. if i can't sleep at night, i'll put in my buds and listen to her. it soothes, it calms, it makes me imagine all things light, airy, comforting, beautiful. it takes me to a place that my rem cycle can't compete with. do you smell rats in the kitchen? i do. i love the feelings and thoughts that come to me while listening to her and others.

speaking of others, my bff jfeste informed me that goldfrapp (an all-time fave of mine) is coming out with a new cd as well. SO EXCITED. i already have previewed two tracks: believer and rocket. soooooo good, i can't wait for the rest. keep your eyes and ears peeled for more jams.

annnnd...sade has a new album out and it's smokin hot, as to be expected. her sultry voice makes me melt and empathize toward whatever she's singing about. and the intstrumentals? effing sex. i'm freakin crazy about lover's rock (it's the best song to make out to, trust me) but she's produced a couple other great tracks like babyfather, skin, and i'm absolutely positive that i want my wedding dance song to be in another time. god i'll slow dance with myself to it...it's that romantic.

so far - love love love this year in music.

i really need to file my taxes. problem is: i'm an idiot.

the modern man inside me says: do it yourself. for free. online.
the know-it-all inside me says: uh, remember what happened the last time you filed your own taxes?

what happened last time was this: a couple years ago i filed my taxes online, by myself. the taxes were sort of complicated because, at the time, i had several different w2s and a couple other things complicated the situation. long story short is i made a HUGE mistake on my taxes, filed them, and then an entire year later the irs sent me a notice saying that i owed them several thousand dollars.

ooops. my bad.

so you can see why i'm just a tad bit hesitant to try this route again. typically i have someone prepare my taxes for me but i feel like it takes forever and a day to get it done and squared away with...and more importantly i want my refund asafp.

ugh. i'm doing it. i'm going it alone. turbotax.com here i come. help me god. and yall can keep your fingers crossed for me too because if the shit hits the fan again this year, i'll for sure be in the big house because my ass is broke.

funny things heard on tv today:

chess club wasn't for me because, as it turns out, chess is nothing like checkers.

let's do that thing where i talk the entire time and we only talk about me, and when you get a turn to talk, i'm just gonna think about what i'm going to say next.

let's go shopping at some age-inappropriate store and then come back here and drink your $28 bottle of wine!

that sounds awesome, but honestly i had two $14 bottles of wine and i already drank them both.

you are too cool.

first off - let me inform you that i'm barely alive right now. some kind of bug has wrangled my immune system and hogtied it something serious. my roommate just came home early from work saying that she too is sick. this apartment needs to be quarantined. apparently it's the breeding ground of viral death.

in the midst of this awful illness, i've been fading in out of a nyquil-induced dreamland, where good things and bad have been playing out in my mind. the good times included several deceased cats of my yesteryears coming back to life:

omg, where did Oreo come from? i thought she was dead!? it's so good to have you back! xoxoxoxox

the bad included me having to give a speech to a large crowd of people and i couldn't spit out any of the words without sobbing hysterically. it was so awkward and humiliating.

i'm fading again....lets talk after this bitch bug subsides, shall we?

byee.

for some reason today has been a reallllly funny day. don't get me wrong - i'm on my death bed with an em effin mother flippin headcold that is taking no prisoners. i'm about to take 3 nyquil gelcaps in an attempt to not open my eyes until thursday. hopefully, i'll a) wake up b) feel better and c) look weeks younger...

but in the meantime

watch this clip. she never fails. so, so funny. i literally laughed so hard that i went into cardiac arrest, died, saw the light, went to heaven, told jesus i wasn't ready, came back to my body, clicked play, watched the rest of the clip, laughed some more, and then made a protein shake.

suit up! put the wings on.
dear america...lofty!
...dancers...