new year, new you, right?

and by "new you" i'm referring to the male species.

almost in its entirety.

in 2012, the male species should have made a very important resolution.

a resolution so desperately necessarily it could make or break civilization as we know it.

what is it?

a world without plaid shorts.

yes, you heard me right.

the male species' need for plaid shorts was unprecedented in 2011.

not only would the male species wear plaid shorts, they would also identify a single color of said plaid and match their t-shirt to it.

disgusting, i know.

it can't happen anymore.

men won't get laid as long as plaid shorts are allowed to exist.

if no one is getting laid, no one is having babies - legitimately or illegitimately.

so, male species, it's your move.

make the right choice - wear regular shorts.

our future depends on it.

#khaki

lord, how i waste time on the internet.

i should note that i waste time in a very good way, though.

it's mostly educational.

for some reason i am compelled to check the chicago tribune, new york times, and CNN website while, sometimes simultaneously, watching endless amounts of youtube videos pointing out the misrepresentation of facts/dog-and-pony-show antics that are the FOX news channel.

it's sick.

me, not fox news channel.

well, wait, fox news channel is definitely sick, too. so never mind.

it's all sick.

is there treatment for this?

since i've self-diagnosed my symptoms into a full-blown case of news ADD, i'll go ahead and write my own prescription:

to-do lists.

they're extremely helpful. since I purposely wake up at the crack of dawn to relax and gently ease into the work day, I often take a couple of minutes to jot down the waning to-do's of my day-to-day life.

and wow, does making an obnoxiously-sized check mark next to each accomplished agenda item feel spectacularly wonderful.

that was a fun sentence.

top of today's to-do?

eat less.

the problem with twitter.

the problem with twitter is that i can't stop tweeting.

but, more often than not, i hate what people are tweeting.

people use it to be this "mirror mirror on the wall"

especially NY'ers. they're the worst offenders.

i use twitter to spark conversation

do you agree, disagree, care?

for example: nate berkus once tweeted me and i thought it was the greatest thing ever.

until i started following him.

and all he tweeted was:

1) RTing something flattering that someone else said
2) hocking his boyfriend's cologne
3) marketing for his show/biz

BARF.

another person I started following seemed to be a crowd favorite.

a scan of this person's tweets proved humorous.

so i followed.

and then, somehow, thereafter

the only thing that stuck out to me was how often this person would tweet about farting.

don't get me wrong: i like a drink as much as the next guy. or girl.

but as i near the big 2-0

dammit, i mean...3-0

i've come to realize that i no longer enjoy getting wasted.

what has happened to me?

i can remember my finer moments: iowa city, puking in someone's backyard. new york city, puking in an alley (yes, there are a few) while nearly getting mugged in my drunken stupor home, wherever it was. what's my address? i eventually found it. puking out of a rental car in indianapolis (as a passenger), and just...3 weeks ago, puking my brains out after a small scale indie-electronica concert whose musical stylings did not, under any stretch of the imagination, warrant double vodka water after double vodka water.

oof.

what i can specifically recall about all of those instances is that i lost all control. and live to regret it.

how i've managed to not jaywalk and get hit by a bus, i have no idea. but i'm thankful.

what i now know is that in all of those moments, the best part was the buzz. the buzz is that magical moment when things are amplified, and you can feel it, you can remember it. yes. who doesn't enjoy a good buzz? non drinkers, i suppose. but personally, i don't trust non-drinkers. i don't like the way they look at me as i make the honest effort to enunciate. to appear sober, like them.

buzzkills. you win, congratulations. where's your trophy.

anyway, i enjoy embracing that small window of time when you feel better, fun, open to suggestion. it's what partying should feel like.

and then that damn shots-shots-shots song comes on, so you do one or ten, start drinking without tasting, start not remembering things. puking.

oof.

going forward, that small window of time - where things seem good, seem fun; i'm going to recognize the moment and enjoy it.

you're partying, ryan. have fun but keep it cool.

and reign it in so i can wake up the next day before 9am, tend to my garden, vacuum dog hair, and perhaps polish silverware.

bring it, 3-0.

are you watching the republican primary debates?

before i begin, let me make one thing clear; i'm not anti-republican.

i'm anti-stupid people.

considering such, is it just me or does the entire line-up of republican nominees consist of undeniable morons?

wait, wait...i take that back. i misspoke. there is actually one non-moron up there.

john huntsman.

but, isn't it strangely ironic and mostly humorous that he is probably the least popular among republican voters?

wait, he's not even at most of the debates. is he still running? if not - smart move.

oh, and cain, unlike the rest, did catch my eye a time or two although merely for the fact that he offered an actual plan.

a catchy plan with a catchy a name. too catchy, though. too eerily similar to pizza hut's 5-5-5 deal.

and the kicker to me is that even pizza hut's 5-5-5 deal made no sense. unless i missed something, i believe the hook was you can order up to 5 pizzas of any size, with up to 5 ingredients on them for $5 each? is that right?

seemingly amazing, but wait one second. why did size matter? what normal person would opt for a small pizza rather than a large, if they all cost the same? if i'm screwing that up, my apologies, but to my defense who can follow the details during a 30 second clip of rolling pepperonis and gooey cheese stretching across the screen?

i digress.

so, what if cain became the president of the united states?

could you imagine?

could you imagine any of these people being the POTUS?

COULD YOU IMAGINE IT?

i used to be anti-obama, mostly because i thought he was all talk.

which, don't get me wrong, obama's smooth operator appeal is undeniable.

he's a great speaker, is a wonderful father & husband, and has a progressive approach.

but my chief concern was that he lacked in getting things done.

HOWEVER

what i hadn't considered in entirety is why he can't get anything done.

republicans.

they all shop around their glossy soundbites of: obama has failed us, obama hasn't done this & that, obama hasn't solved our problems.

they certainly caught my ear. america is in trouble. no question.

but let's take it past obama. after all - he can't single-handedly decide the fate of our country.

oh yeah, congress. they're a part of this mess, too. a big part.

time after time, they stop him from going forward. on everything. on anything.

they want to stop his momentum toward solving problems. they are the obstacle.

republicans want america to stumble, stop, and regress during obama's presidency so that

and this is big

so they can check mark his failures with their big, red pens - then spew to america how they're going to change things when they are president.

selfish. detrimental. destructive.

unacceptable.

sabotaging america today so that they can get elected tomorrow?

it's sickening.

obama may not be perfect, but at least he is acting in our best interest - not reacting in self-interest. he has a vision for a better america and it's more than anything any republican has offered in my lifetime.

PS. this is not new information.

i've just had enough.

i walk the fine line of hypocrisy every single day.

point: it drives me absolutely nuts when friends/family post millions of pictures of their kids. status update after status update concerning what their kid did, said out loud, or threw up in the middle of the grocery store. interrupting my riveting commentary on political injustices to inform me that their kid was elmo for halloween.

so annoying. it's one of my least favorite things.

but i imagine that's how my friends/family feel when i post a million pictures/videos of my two dogs sleeping. eating. playing tug-of-war. posting status update after status update of what my dogs chewed up, barked at, or threw up in the middle of the dog park. interrupting their commentary on political injustices to inform them that my dogs were bumblebees for halloween.

i can't help it - they're so gosh darn cute.

oh, which reminds me, sorry for interrupting...but just the other day buster and bella did the cutest thing ever. don't worry, i have pictures...

i could kick myself for not jotting down the intermittent thoughts and ideas that, much like a stray breeze or meandering spider of the night, have entered one of my ears and passed through the other without leaving remnants or at the very least a fecal trail.

dammit.

one thing i can tell you for sure: this blog is back in action.

privacy settings: off.

i think i just saved my own life, possibly countless others.

by being a dick.

you heard me right.

so, it's noon-ish. i'm eating lunch. my patio doors are open.

(my patio faces the entrance to the building i live in.)

i'm sitting, eating, enjoying...then i hear someone say "hey!"

and not a nice hey. a rude hey. i liken it to a crass NY'er yelling at a taxi that braked late into the crosswalk. "hey! i'm walkin here!"

anyway, this hey immediately grates on my typically infallible nerves.

so i turn around and some older guy is peering into my patio window.

sick.

my new guard dog bella goes to the patio door and gives him a soft woof.

"woah there, fella." was his response.

admittedly, i'm somewhat charmed by his old-timey expression.

so, giving him the benefit of doubt, i walked over to the patio door and performed an up-and-down assessment of the old timey charmer. that would be his name, i decided.

eep, too soon - i'm no longer charmed.

he look-a-like-a-creep.

slightly annoyed with his creepiness and already knowing he's going to waste my time, i slowly raise my eyebrows as to signal to him to warrant his hey.

**by the way, from the mere 2 seconds i looked at him, i automatically assume him a serial killer. the old-timey charmer is now his serial killer name. here is my best recollection of his appearance:



PS the man in that picture is a serial killer. coincidence?

-in his hands he had what looked to be a dvr device wrapped in a plastic bag.
-he was wearing a neon yellow vest - much like a road construction worker.
-he was also wearing beige dockers with a matching button-up.
-he had a nightstick attached to his belt.

=???

i didn't like what was before me.

he began to ramble about being a technician that is installing something in the "insert random neighbor's last name here" and that he got locked out. he appeared frustrated and in a hurry.

i continued to look at him, mostly in fear and significant doubt, then quickly assessed my options. i could:

1) buzz him into the building and let whatever happens, happen. my deadbolt was bolted after all.

2) continue to ask him questions like a detective would, however it was raining and the raindrops kept hitting the patio floor then splashing onto the inside floor as well as my feet. i didn't like that.

3) say no and walk away.

i chose option 3.

he immediately became hostile. "whaddaya mean you're not going to let me in!?"

i walked back over.

sir it's against association policy to let people in this building unless they are my personal guests or city authorities. i don't know you. i'm not letting you inside.

"gimme a break kid, i just told you what i was here for!"

i'm not a kid, although i do appear youthful. still...the kid thing was the final nail in his coffin.

sorry, sir, no can do.

*shuts patio door

i like to think i did this building a favor. you all have your heads! as far as i'm concerned - he was going to cut them off and dislplay them in some secret cave full of...heads.

i'm a hero.

and you're welcome.

and i'm not a kid.

damn those music companies for ripping music off youtube! yes i know there's legalities and monies involved but GD how else are peeps going to hear the music??

plus it makes my blog look like a graveyard.

herrumph.

fear not, here's a good cover. good job kelsey94231. i especially love the cat in the background which says a lot because i typically dislike cats.

both your cover and your kitty are cool with me.



love love love sia. not mad at david guetta.

therefore this is kind of sweet.

does the fact that i'm constantly cleaning my house mean that

i'm a dirty person?

or

that i'm a clean person?

i seriously am cleaning it...day in, day out.

and not in a mark summers way where i'm straigtening the fringe on area rugs, but rather vacumming dog hair, doing laundry, scrubbing the tub, sweeping leaves on the patio, unloading/reloading the dishwasher, and my stainless steel refridgerator is ALWAYS lookin a mess with streaks.

is this what adult life is all about?

now i know why my mother dreads company.

god save the queen.

and by queen i mean i, the king of this castle.

love the simplicity of this.

there is a slim-to-none chance that michele bachmann will become our president in the year 2012...or any year thereafter for that matter.

BUT, since this sharp-tongued bigot has walked into the electoral lion's den as a candidate and potential leader of our nation, i see no problem in taking 5 seconds to send her a simple message concerning the absurdity in her candidacy.

a message that would put anyone in their place.

"One Million Strong Against Michele Bachmann"

it just makes sense.

let's make it 10 million.

see you on the book!

summer in the chi.

buster in the chi.

lovin that chi.

calvin harris is having a great year in music.

feel so close.

*warning* watching the vid may cause you to have a stroke. i feel funny. just fyi - minimize this screen or read my other blog posts while listening to this fun remix of an already great song.

this is beautiful and well said.

no one should ever make anyone feel "less than."

why would you?

how could you?

if you've ever belittled or berated someone, please just stop.

this world needs less negativity - let it start with you.

and

this world will get better. but only if you're proactive.

maybe it's the fact that i'm soon turning 30

but lately i've been feeling entirely inadequate.

love. love. love.