hey yall. back from christmas vacation. fyi i literally gained 3 lbs, which is fine because sometimes i feel like i have the body of a 16 yr old. i'm a work in progress and i think this extra layer will be put to good use come spring.

i've been spending a lot of time taking mid-morning and mid-afternoon naps. you know - wake up, eat breakfast, take a nap, wake up, eat lunch, take another nap, and then i get my second wind around 4 pm that'll last through the end of the evening (9:30 pm). and then i zonk out again like i haven't slept in days.

oof.

yes, my life was that hard for seven days. oh, and did i mention i ate my face off the entire time? important to note. woah.

at any rate, stay tuned for an important youtube video that i'll be posting between now and sometime friday.

things are changing.

both sides now:
like i'm the first person to ever have to talk about this
trust me, i hate that i have to
that it's me
a different page, a different cloud
i looked at clouds that way
but now they only block the sun
they rain and they snow on everyone
we've all had our hopes held high
only to have them come crashing down
hard
i'm not the first person to put myself out there
but boy am i a glutton for punishment
tears and fears and feeling proud
telling you what i felt, right out loud
giving the benefit of the doubt to those who never earned it in the first place
spreading notions of happiness
i now have to dust under the rug
as if they were never there
reveling in future miseries
poking the bear
the bear being whatever it is i'm looking for, looking at
poking at it with a hesitant curiosity
stupid me
bears are never trying to be poked, and i learn that the hard way
each time.
and if you can, don't let them know
don't give yourself away.
why do i constantly feel like stuart smalley on here?
i'm good enough
i'm smart enough
and dog gone'it people like me.
oh really? then why i am listening to joni mitchell right now?
for starters, it's not because i'm happy.
i really don't know why
i really don't know what
but i do know it's masochistic.
set'em up take'em down
something's lost, but something's gained
but what?
i really don't know life at all.
i don't live in the twilight world nor does a new moon shine upon me
yet
but someday i will feel like bella.
i cringed as i wrote that, but i'm going to keep it there.
it's honest, and that's a start
oh but now, old friends they're acting strange
and they shake their heads
and they tell me that i've changed.
i don't need that.
and if i wanted that desperate feeling of validation
drowning in a dark sea of insecurity
i'd look in a mirror
leaving post-its of all my flaws, reasons why, what i probably did
what probably happened
probably.
and why things like this happen.
fuck.
what happened to me?
well, while i'm here in the mirror, peering through the post-its
might as well take a step back, reaffirm
i'm smart enough
i'm good enough
and dog gone'it people like me.
i feel a little better.
for now.
at any rate, i'm rambling
i ramble because i don't know what else to do
so many things i would have done,
but clouds got in my way.
i just want something more to this life
someone tell me to sit back and relax
and enjoy it all
but clouds got in my way.

it's life's illusions that i recall
i really don't know life, i really don't know life at all.

for your christmas present, i'm giving you the gift of laughter. you're welcome.

i was saddened to hear yesterday that murphy brown died from cardiac arrest. her memory will always remain in my heart and her reruns forever will be cherished on my dvd box set.

rip murph.

for some reason i just started thinking about giraffes. they're such a crazy looking animal, it's kind of weird that they exist. sometimes i forget they exist. it would be weird to see one in nature because i feel as if they're so alien-esque.

there's just something not right about their existence. what is it? they have to be a direct descendant of the dinosaurs, right? they're so weird.

and then i started wondering, do they swim? how do they sleep?

i spent some time on google looking at giraffes and became weirdly obsessed about learning everything i could about them. i spent quite some time looking at images as well. i also noticed that they sleep in a very non-comfortable-looking position. they must not get much sleep.

do they get attacked by lions and tigers much? i feel like they're an easy target.

i never expected giraffes to dominate my mind like this. oh well.

coke or pepsi? either
diet coke or diet pepsi? either
bud lite or miller lite? either
prego or ragu? either
sprite, sierra mist, or 7up? love'em all.
miracle whip or hellman's? either.

i just realized my tastes know no limits. i like just about everything. except fish. i wish i liked sushi because i would no longer have to hear all of the bullshiz about "omg you don't like sushi? i loooove sushi yum yum yum..."

at any rate, are you one of those people that freak out at restaurants when you ask for a pepsi and they say "is coke okay?" and then you snap back, "no, it's not okay, just water then."

i just had a hankering for some fountain cherry cola. so, whilst at 711 to purchase such a thing, i was given the choice of both pepsi or coke to add some cherry yumminess to. i couldn't figure out if i had a preference, so i just went with pepsi.

then it hit me how rare that is to just be like uhhhhh whatevs, both are okay with me. i feel like people are much more particular. especially about bud vs. miller too. miller is a very distinct taste, but i like it. bud just tastes like beer, which i like, so i can easily drink that as well. but i could drink bud, miller, coors, michelob, or hell, even some pbr. it's all the same, really.

god i'm so cool.

this month's gq was surprisingly thin. i was so pissed when i picked it up and noticed its lack of substance. what up, gq...surely you can fit a few more articles on how to tie a tie or iron a button-up correctly. that's why i subscribe. oh, and the cologne samples...keep them coming. i'm particularly found of givenchy's play, no?

at any rate, rihanna is completely naked up in that joint. remember when gq featured bruno on the cover and everyone got all up in arms about the fact that you could almost see his butt? some vendors wouldn't sell it, others put a black cardboard square over it...ugh. such miserable double standards. that's probably why men rape women (yeah, i said it). the female body apparently has no voyeuristic limitations and men feel no real sense of taboo toward seeing it. it's all out there for you to lust after because, duh, sex sells and we sell it by the ounce. we'll endlessly expose/exploit a woman to all angles possible but when it comes to men...well, lets allow the censor board to deem what's tasteful and what's borderline homo. unless you properly follow it up with a no homo, like they do in the rap world i so love and respect. jigga please.

but, while i believe america is overly uptight when it comes to sexuality and nudity, this is a different level of peculiarity. it's like on cinemax when they won't show male frontal nudity yet they'll gladly reveal every square inch of the lead female's naughty bits (and don't forget all the girl-on-girl scenes!). no homo...oh wait, this is the acceptable form of homo. homo! or like how adam lambert kissed a guy and was shunned from abc and good morning america viewers (it was too early to see such things!) but madonna, britney, and xtina practically tripled kiss live, on-air and that uncensored footage was shown around the world for years to come. and how long have those cougars on the view been kissing each other for the morning crowd? tons of times...sick ass. baba wawa kissing joy behar ain't no walk in the park either.

but who cares, i'll pick my battles better, after all, adam lambert is a pudgy, freckley, red-headed gone black-headed, foundation-laced trailer trash twatbag who's trying to be the next big thing via his shrill-riffic, emo-style yodeling. it's like ricolaaaaa with a punk rock edge. censor him to extinction, if you ask me. which no one does.

but, my real point was to applaud the facebook article some gq editor wrote about the 18 people you hate on facebook. it's about how typical some people are when it comes to posting status updates...the new mom who loves the fact that she's a new mom, the emo girl who is always in pain, the self promoter who is always doing something way cooler than you, the person who thinks you might be interested in/amused by the fact that they're eating breakfast for dinner, etc etc.

it's hilarious and oh-so true. you'll all fill in the blanks with your own annoying FB peeps. pick up a copy today and love it. maybe, just maybe, the generated sales will help make the next gq issue a little thicker.

fingers crossed.

i love this. only in chicago. these are my kind of peeps.

tiger.

i feel for him. forget about dignity (who needs it?) the one thing the guy has going for him is golf and he doesn't even have that anymore (and don't you dare say he's attractive...i don't care what any of you say, if tiger was just an average joe like you and i, no one would look at him and say, oooh yes please! my body is yours! sleep with me! his fame and money are the only aspects of his appeal. that's how athletes and rockstars do it. duh, wake up.) and who even cares about golf? but regardless, seemingly innocent blasian golf player, earning a living, making a fat paycheck, but BOOM, scandal. life = over. mr. perfect is not so perfect after all. not even close to perfect, not even close to respectable that dog. no, no...that DOG.

god what a dog. okay, let me restate what i said earlier. in some capacity, i feel for him. guys do this shit all the time and no one cares. it's so common its barely even newsworthy. but tiger is a public figure and wow do we know his personal business. and the reveal of it is mortifying. all of those women. all of those secrets. all of those lies.

the pain i feel for elin is immeasurable. at least she has an $80mil prenup to snuggle up to at night. that's some kind of solace, right?

one thing i know for sure is that tiger ruined marriage for me. seems like an odd stance, i agree, but i feel like a lot of people have been indirectly affected by his scandal. it's an eyeopener at the very least. personally, i've always maintained a rosy image of what marriage is. my parents have been happily married my entire life. i can count on one hand the times i've seen them be in a legitimate argument with one another. same goes for my grandparents and my friends' parents and just about everyone i know.

and i've always had a sunny disposition on spending my life with one person. i would never be like tiger, or anything even close to that. i'm great at relationships. although honestly i've only been in 3 or 4. which doesn't matter - it's not the amount of relationships you've experienced - i would rather be with someone who has been in a few relationships versus someone who has been in many. quality versus quantity. regardless, i think my presence and contributions within my own, select relationships were never the reason behind the breakups. i know that sounds absurd and conceited, but at least it's true to me. they've either been long distance gone awry, liars, cheaters, alcoholics, losers, or something along those lines. maybe i don't know how to pick them?

eesh.

at any rate, i've given everything of myself to be in these relationships. one relationship specifically i gave up literally everything i had and wanted. and it came back to bite me in the ass.

such is life.

and i know that people have flaws, and i often overlook them in pursuit of someone's actual essence. my exes cannot say that i didn't give them the benefit of the doubt. i always do. i see beyond stereotypes, beyond body image, beyond money, beyond whatever it is that may make them less than perfect.

but to no avail. maybe i should expect more?

and this tiger deal is the cherry on that shit sundae. tiger has/had a beautiful wife, he has a family, he has a dog, he has a dream home, he has a dream job...he has everything he could ever ask for. except control.

i feel like no one has control these days. if a man who has everything still needs more...what hope is there for you and i?

we don't have everything and we will always want more. so, in this day and age, can two individuals even enter a marriage that will stand the test of a broken society by lasting and persevering? there will of course be ups and downs, good times and bad, but can a marriage persevere without infidelity?

i think not. mostly on your end of the deal because, personally, i would never cheat, but sooo many people would. even the ones we least suspect.

we all thought Leann Rimes was such a cute, wholesome country girl but what a two-timing whore she turned out to be. same goes for tiger (minus the country girl part). and many, many countless non-celebrities before and after them.

it's almost like a guarantee. you will be cheated on in this lifetime.

which makes me want to never be married. what is a marriage besides a legal document? a free pass into the ER should your spouse be near death? a golden ticket of inheritance and 50/50 settlements?

it's not much more than that. and to me, none of that tips the scale in favor of an i do. maybe i'm jaded, or maybe i just took off my rose colored glasses.

maybe i'll change my mind. maybe someone will help me change my mind. but right now i'm sooo right.

plus, oprah isn't married.

case closed.

oh yeah and hey peeps, in case you didn't notice, i updated my nano to an itouch. my nano has been on my nerves lately so i thought i'd pull an upgrade.

some great tunes on this playlist, appropriately entitled warm your soul. not only are these songs something to think about, through my interpretations, they've also made me feel some...feelings.

i'm not crazy about the new rihanna album, but there are a few slower ones that speak to me. cold case love in particular. also, one of my all time favorite artists, electric president, is worth a listen. their album, sleep well, is one of my top, all-time favorite albums in the wizzorld. woah.

the rest are pretty stellar as well. check them out and let the warming/feeling begin.

i had an epiphany just now.

i was freakishly close to posting some sad story about how an inevitable winter depression was going to set in. quickly, too. as if i had no control. the words were forming in my mind:

doom, a looming workload, restless heartstrings, severed relationships, confusion, cold, that damn Untitled store...

i wanted to write about everything i've yet to achieve this year
everything i still don't have
no clear path
no known love
no sense of security
no absolutes.

i've fallen victim to it many times in my life. a pity party of one. look at me! i'm sad!

but what i hinted at in my last post is that, while i have many things to consider and comprehend, i also have a lot to look forward to and i have a lot of new-found hope going into the new year.

i wrote on my facebook that it's time for me to take control. and i will.

if i really narrow down the reality of it all: it's not going to be yet another doom and gloom winter. it's all up for interpretation, especially when reconciling mixed emotion deep within myself, both my head and my heart on the same page:

i feel great. greater than ever before.
i have so much opportunity before me. actual opportunity. to seize. more than ever before.
i finally feel beautiful. i eat right, i workout regularly, and i have a full head of hair on my head. i'm doing something right. my nail bed is awesome.
i might be single, but i'm not down and out. suitors will come and go - my subconscious will filter the riff raff and my heart will find its equal, THEE person that i will want to wake up next to every morning of my life. THEE person that cares about me first and foremost, and for once, i will care about too - more than equal to myself...in this world and the next, they will be my first and foremost. i've never felt that about anyone before, but i know it can happen. it will happen.

i think buying my own home will be the start of a beautiful thing, too. stability is a beautiful thing and anyone who disagrees isn't in-the-know yet. to be happy and unstable is but a mirage. ignorance is bliss. to be in control of where you rest your head is a truly marvelous thing. to fully own your own piece of home in this crazy, wide open world is worth every penny you invest in it. when the world is cold to you, when people shut you out, when you have nowhere to go but home - your home will be there. and that's a good feeling amid a plethora of not-so-good feelings. i'm not nesting, i'm resting. in the peace, quiet, and safety of my own sanctuary that no one can come into. no one can take away.

also, i can date myself back to almost a year ago. i remember making a youtube video where i was like whyyyy doesn't anyone love me, wah wah wahhhhh.

i forget sometimes, i love me. duh. i don't need your attention to feel good about myself. i have my shit together. i have a good head resting on these shoulders of mine. i have the support system of an amazing family and a few, select lifelong friends that will be there for me should i ever stray from this new-found confidence.

when i love myself, with both sides of my heart, inside and out, someone else will too. when i love myself, the world is a new place. when i love myself, i will walk out of every door with my head held high, and my sight set before me.

forward.

i think that's the order to this life.

cheers.

oh goddd i'm getting that weird feeling again. i feel like a lot of varying thoughts are taking over my mind and affecting my mood. tis the season? i'm not like that. holidays don't depress me at all. as you all know i have a wonderful family and support system and have no actual reason to ever be upset. i should take on every day as a grateful and humbled human being. i have always had everything i've ever truly needed in this life and should be nothing but thankful.

but i still let myself get the best of me.

what's my effing prob? i don't know. no wait, i do know. there's a list even:

1. buying a home.
2. managing my money.
3. the thought of god.
4. i need to stop eating tombstone pizza.
5. really irked at my $300 Untitled blunder.
6. life and love and everything it is and isn't.
7. i want a Mac desktop to solve all of my problems but cannot budget one right now.
8. i need to get through this winter. and i think i can.

i have a feeling i'll be extremely self-loathing for a good couple of weeks. it happens every year.

i think this lady has bigger problems than toothache pain:



perhaps she should be repping tranquilizers.

the winter pill is here. swallow.

i can't quite describe my feelings after exiting my building door this morning. all i wanted to do was catch a bus to downtown.
when it hit me.
across the face.

oh hey winter. yeah i knew you were here by the snow and sleet mess you left behind last night.

but damn gina. you's cold.

it was surely 5 or 6 degrees out. i always tell myself that embracing the winter means appreciating the summer more. and i firmly believe that.

spring is such a new beginning. life comes back again. and summer is pure bliss. but i only realize that because i braved through a long, cold winter.

us midwesterners are cute though. and scrappy. i always admire the chicks that live here. wearing dresses and nylons on a day like this? you go girl. those are the girls that make good wives. they stick through the hard times. they endure. they find light in the dark.

the same can't necessarily be said about the men. men are always dogs, warm or cold. except for this male, of course. and a few others. nah, we're actually a decent bunch around here.

anyone can flock to the coasts, stay warm and content in the eternal sunshine.

we here in the midwest don't take such things for granted. the sun is out today? nice. it's above freezing today? nice. a luxury is an indian summer, an early spring.

but the winter is a tough pill to swallow, to which i gladly do. always have and more than likely always will.

i dare say we're a stronger crowd.
the tough get tougher.
and through it all we still have that undeniable midwestern charm.

and manners. double trouble.

plus, how cute does everyone look all bundled up? i love a good coat.

probably one of the cutest things i've EVER seen.

...it finally happened. the red eye finally publshed a decent, read-worthy article! albeit an op ed, it was still thought provoking and quite dead-on. congrats, red eye! after a million misses, you finally hit something!

Facebook friends: Please untag me
by Stephen Markley

Recently, I removed all of my photo albums from Facebook and untagged myself from all 600-plus pictures collected in my profile over the years.

I vaguely detest people who post every picture of their entire existence on Facebook, but my reasoning involves more than topical annoyance.

As further evidence that we should all stop posting pictures on Facebook and remove the ones that are there, I present to you the case of Nathalie Blanchard of Quebec.

After being diagnosed with serious clinical depression, Blanchard received a monthly check from her insurance company Manulife. She was stripped of her benefits after Manulife investigators dug up pictures of her partying with friends on Facebook, according to CBC News of Canada.

Whether Blanchard was faking depression or merely conned out of benefits by a soulless insurance company, it should teach all of us an important lesson.

Our generation rushed to Facebook and other social networking sites with a clear lack of forethought, posting pictures from every drunk weekend of our young lives without any thought to the consequences.

You don't think an ill-advised slutty nurse costume can't someday keep you from getting a job? Or that a cigarette dangling from your lips in a college photo couldn't someday allow an insurer to jack up your rates?

These are the kinds of issues I wish someone had raised before I put on that nurse outfit and smoked a carton of Kools in a single night while documenting the whole thing with my Coolpix. That's why I'm raising them now for benefit of future generations of Facebookers.

I don't think there's anything more obnoxious than the girl who has her camera at every bar, so when you log on to your computer the next day you find yourself tagged in 37 new pictures--sweaty, inebriated and clearly annoyed that this girl will not put her camera away (and yes, 85 percent of the time, this person is female).

It's not just the irritating habit of certain people who think every shot of Jagermeister must be documented and spread across the Internet for posterity. No matter how high you have your security settings, once you post something on the Internet, it is out there forever in the cloud, and you have surrendered that much more of your privacy. And why exactly? Because you and your friend went to Durkins last Friday? Good for you.

Stop posting pictures, period.

Yes, we may have less evidence of our sweaty, inebriated weekends, but perhaps we can at least wear what makes us feel pretty and smoke our carton of Kools in peace.
STEPHEN MARKLEY IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.

oh.my.god...

the years have not been good to the cast of family ties.

woah.

shock me, shock me, tina yothers is the only cast member that appears semi-decent-looking...and even that's a stretch. her last gig was, i think, the celebrity rendition of nickelodean's double dare.

and yes, i know michael j. fox isn't exactly faring well, and it's not his fault, i get that, but it's still sad to see his before and after.

check out the slideshow to see what the cast is up to nowadays...

Here's a Yelp review I wrote about Chicago's Untitled. They have several locations. Go to none, though. SHADEBALL.

Don't read this review and assume that I'm jaded. I'm just as likely to write a good review as I am a bad one...but I think it's my responsibility to inform others when a business is truly unworthy of your time and money...

and ladies and gentlemen, Untitled is NOT worth your time and certainly not worth your money.

The store means well, but the customer service is absolutely deplorable and the prices of this store are highway robbery. Who cares about their often obscure labels - you can easily find the same, hipster-inspired clothing at any Brown Elephant/Goodwill and pay a fraction of the price. In my opinion, everything in Untitled is greatly overpriced, especially given their flimsy and integrity-questionable selection, so don't even bother. Deal with the "wet basement" smell of the Brown Elephant, all the while getting a hipstery "i don't give a shit" outfit and donating money to a good cause.

However, my biggest complaint with Untitled is with their ridiculous customer service. If you happen to be in the Clark street location, watch out for the short, Asian woman who, I'm assuming, is the "Manager." She's a real piece of work. In fact, she should win an Oscar for her amazing ability to fake a smile, fake a "can I help you," and overall fake sense of customer appreciation. Bravo!

She's horrendous.

Issue: I bought a $300 pair of Diesel jeans (I know, I know - absurd) at Untitled...but when I got home, I realized these jeans were in NO way worth $300 and I wanted to return them immediately. Impulse decision gone wrong! I'm human, ok!? Unfortunately, I then read on the receipt that their return policy is "exchange or store credit only"...

Shit!

UM, that would have been REALLY nice to know before that fateful debit card swipe. It also would have been GREAT if the Manager lady would have said, "Our store has a no return policy, you'll only be able to exchange or buy our other expensive shit should you choose to make a return" before snatching my hard-earned money and grinning that toothy, fake smile. Damn you!

Regardless, the very next day, I took the jeans back to Untitled; unworn, tags attached, receipt in hand, and then kindly asked the fake-nice, would-rather-kill-you-than-help-you Asian lady that I wanted to return the jeans and be refunded my money. She then sharply informed me that Untitled only offers exchange or store credit and by NO means would refund my money to my debit card.

I said, "Oh really? Why didn't you say something? I had no idea."

Rudely, she continued "Umm, this has been Untitled's return policy for over nine years" ...like I should have known what I was getting myself into before purchasing the jeans...apparently, I should have been more familiar with the store's sales history before even entering. My bad.

In my head I thought "You little bitch, give me back my money!" but verbally I said, "That really sucks, it would have been nice if you would have said such before I bought these."...to which she replied "Sorry Charlie."

Nice. My name is Ryan, thank you for devaluing me as an adult, and more importantly, as a customer who is already plotting several ways to have you fired.

Long story, short: It's absolutely insane that a store would have a "no return policy" and not have the clerk tell you or display such verbiage in bright, flashing lights for the consumer to see before selling their financial soul: WARNING! THINK TWICE! YOU'LL NEVER SEE THAT MONEY AGAIN! is what it should read. Actually, this sign should be displayed in neon fluorescent lighting and double as a bug zapper! Every time you see and hear a bug fly into that death trap, it'll really drive the point home!

So, in conclusion, Untitled's store policy is: once they get your money, IT'S THEIRS FOREVER.

And, is it just me, or does it make zero sense to print such an unforgiving return policy on only the receipt!? It doesn't! Obviously, if I have to read the receipt to find out about your non-return policy...the damage is already done! It's too late! You have my money so tightly gripped in your cold, clammy hands that trying to get my money back would probably result in a prison sentence.

SUPER SHADY business practice, Untitled. I will never give this store another penny of my money. I suggest the same for you - take heed. There are plenty of stores that sell awesome, affordable clothes in Chicago and are not out to SCAM your money like Untitled.

And hey, Untitled, instead of acting like a big greedy SHADEBALL, maybe you should invest in some customer service training and customer appreciation courses? We're in a recession baby, and people have a choice where they shop.

Consumer beware. DON'T SHOP HERE.

Here's hoping others follow my lead and give their business to Urban Outfitters, Akira, or hell, Plato's Closet. It's the same stuff...but cheaper.

And less bullshit.

everyone midwestern-based is all a flutter about the inch of snow lying on the ground. guess who isn't!?!

surprise, me.

i guess i really don't care at all about the snow. it's pretty, it's non-blowy...it's just sitting there on the ground, minding its own business.

i woke up in semi-awe since it's the first snowfall of the season and it fell at some point in the night, so i of course got that nostalgic "woah it snowed last night! is school cancelled!?" feeling, which was undeniably one of the most exciting times of school life - watching the news and just WAITING for them to list your school as being cancelled.

it's the small things in life.

but being 27 years old, that's a far, distant memory. so, when i woke up this morning i had a slight sense of that feeling but reality quickly set in when i saw lake shore drive traffic crawling and knew that i too was soon to be in it on my way to work, which is never cancelled.

but when i walked outside i was blinded. literally. i forgot how blindingly white brand new snow is...especially after not having seen it for 8 months. instantly i had eye strain. horrible eye strain. it felt like my left eyeball was shrinking and rolling back into my eye socket. and all attached eye nerves and veins were being tightly pulled as it recessed.

that really hurt charlie and it's still...hurting.

i could barely open my eyes, i needed some serious shades. but i feel like such a tool when wearing sunglasses in the winter. it's such a weird idea to me. sunglasses feel like such a "hot weather" item to me. however some guy got on the bus with sunglasses on and the only word that came to my mind upon seeing him was, of course, tool. and i don't wanna be that guy. but i could barely open my eyes the entire bus ride to work because of the strain pain and the unending, blinding snow.

so, for pretty much the entire morning i thought, so this is what it feels like to be blind.

and wow did it suck.

weirdly, yesterday i was walking with a friend to argo for a pumpkin spice chai latte nonfat and this lady was on the sidewalk with her dog where she feebly asked "excuse me, anybody?" i stopped and looked and she was just kind of staring...blindly...into the world so i walked over to her and said hi. she had a seeing eye dog with her...my second clue as to what she needed...and she kindly asked me if she saw any dog poop on the ground because she thinks her dog may have "pooed" more than once. having a dog i related to her troubles so i spot checked the vicinity and saw nothing (thankfully). she thanked me and i went on my way for some latte.

but then i thought to myself...how does she find the original poop? does she have some heat-sensing device or something?

i never thought about it before. i guess blind people do have to pick up the poo somehow...

but how?

anyway, so there has been a lot of blindness-related thoughts going on in my head and weirdly i was blind all morning.

blinded by the light, wake up like a...doucher?...in the...something of the night.

remember that song that no one knows the lyrics to? weirdly, every time i hear that song i'm with my mom and we always comment on how we have zero idea what the actual lyrics are and we also comment on how that song is literally like 8 minutes long.

so much blindness so little time.

I'M STILL STRAINING TOO.

my realtor just asked me out on a date via email! awkward. i'm not interested...but i wonder if it will help reduce my closing costs though?

coffee it is!


Hey Ryan!
How are things your way? I see that you have marked quite a few favorites from our website. I would love to set up a time to grab coffee so we can further discuss these properties in detail.
Do you have any time to meet this weekend or the first of next week?
Hope to talk with you soon!
Best,
Gordon

even though she was funnier before she started plugging herself 24/7, she still puts on a great youtube vid:

this whole tiger woods scandal is so wrong for all the reasons you probably haven't thought about yet...or maybe you have.

who cares that tiger is typically squeaky clean and well-to-do? i don't. i don't care about any of that...what happened is none of your business and it's not my business either. i don't want to hear the voicemail. i don't want a full expose on who the other woman is. why is this scandal on the evening news? right between segments about the economy and sending 30k more troops to afghanistan "and now a closer look at tiger's turmoil and hidden temptations..."

what!? stop it.

leave him alone america. it's not your business in the least. it's not news.

BUT

it does go to show you that people cheat. so many of them. more often than not. even the good guys/girls. and that sucks.

i loathe cheaters. i hate cheaters. they're the worst people on earth.

yes, i'm still jaded for having been cheated on in my lifetime, and i think i have every right to be.

i really don't think that insecurity ever fully goes away.

but i do know that i will never and would never cheat on someone. never. ever.

it's singularly one of the worst feelings in the world - to discover/see the love of your life cheating on you. i can't even describe it and i'm hesitant to even think about it because it took me a long time to get over the pain and confusion and imagery.

ugh, i'm getting the feeling again, need to change the topic...

sooo...glee. you all know it, you all love it.

i rarely watch tv so i don't watch it nor do i love it, but i've seen clips. here's my take:

basically, the fresh-faced cast sings loveable, feel good songs that we all cherish and somewhat know the words to, then they apply jazz hands, a little smoke and mirrors, and BOOM, it's a hit!

omg i love glee, glee is totes making me tear up, glee is so amazeballs, i can't get to itunes fast enough, needs it loves it, arg blagh ooog.

and that's an interpretation at the most basic level. here's some other misunderstandings i have:

they lip sync (badly) the song as they sing it. ummm...ok.

its riding of the coattails of hsm. undeniable. and right me if i'm wrong, wasn't hsm 1 the only decent production? the rest were just forced for infant-tween cashcow purposes.

it's kinda dumb, no?


just a man with an opinion, yall...

DEAD ON.

thanks robbie!

there comes a time in life where we stop thinking about ourselves. it's not pretty, it's not easy...but it's critical. there comes a time when you are in a position to help others. a position to influence and advise, both lead and stand by.

i've done that for you.

i've paved a path for you. through friendship, through struggle, through being there when you needed it the most. i've been there. i've grown close to you and to your family. i've worried about you, i've visited you, and i've done everything i could to ensure our bond.

but i'm done.

i have fulfilled my end of this relationship. you have not. i know you're not in the position to be a friend right now. and that's disheartening and that's exactly why things are the way they are. but my sadness only stretches so far - to a cold, indifferent place - and then it stops. it stops just short of enabling you. feeding you my sympathy or concern. you deserve neither. i've offered you both to no avail. your oblivion is self-determined, and that i cannot stand by. you are where you are and you are who you are...because of you. because of the decisions you make every single day.

i don't even know you anymore. i really don't. you aren't the same person you used to be.

you're beyond my help. you're beyond me. and that's where our relationship ends.

it's time to realize what you have, and what you can do to make things right. look at your life. are you happy? genuinely happy?

you aren't. and if you say you are, then it only confirms my worst fears.

i hate that it has to be this way. like it's a choice. it isn't. so don't blame it on me.

blame it on yourself.

hilar

things you should know about facebook:

song lyrics are fine and whatnot...but c'mon people, they're not necessarily that brilliant. stop facebooking them.

you all love lady gaga. loud and clear. no need to plaster every gaga vid clip known to mankind on your FSU (facebook status update).

if you FSU that you're tired...you're obviously not tired enough to log off of the book. hate it.

don't wear your heart on your FSU. you know you'll only regret it later when no one comments on your plea for attention. see: tmi.

put.your headshot.away.

i've always had a hate/somewhat love relationship with facebook...but i'm going to buy an actual address book and write down the worthy-addys in it...i want to take things old school, enough of this "the next time you're in town we're definitely hanging out!" because we all know facebook promises are as shallow as all-things-shallow i.e. kiddie pools, rain puddles, etc. you get the point.

reading la-based facebook profiles is like heaven. yes, you are all incredibly talented actors and models...and you have an unending amount of professional/scandalous pictures to prove it! you guys love yourselves a lot. (too far? my apologies in advance but you know it's kind of true!)

people will soon be losing more jobs due to facebook. it's almost inevitable. we thought craigslist was bad but woah...tagged pictures? the worst.

right now my facebook is just a jumbled mess of information. i don't know what the difference is between "view newsfeed" and "live news feed" is...all i know is that i want less status updates and "blank is now friends with blank" and i want more life-shattering pictures.

i think that if you decide to post "blank is in a relationship"...or even better "blank is in a relationship with blank"...that you MUST be forced to publicly post when "blank is single." if you're going to take it there on facebook, you should be forced to mix the good times with the bad!

i love relationship status messages. live and breathe for them.

k bye.

happy cold & flu season!

hey peeps. for those of you whom probably didn't even notice...i'm off twitter! bored with it. i felt obliged to tweet and that took all of the fun out of it. the trending topics weren't informative anymore, peeps were tweeting too much dumb stuff...the celebs i was following just started to annoy me. blech.

over it.

but my baby (this blog) is completely golden. i've been on here too many years and have relied on this format for so long, i could never part with it. even if it was a private site and no one read my thoughts...i'd still be here just about every day...writing it out of my system.

looking at the clock it's almost thanksgiving! happy turkey day to all of you. i'm traveling to indianapolis tomorrow to celebrate and be thankful for all of life's blessings with my family and friends in the great hoosier state.

i plan to be inebriated the entire time. you know how it goes.

expect vids and pics to follow soon.

xo.

just wanted to take five seconds to thank you guys for reading this blog. truly. i have the best readers. some of you send me the best emails, too, and they honestly make my day sometimes. thank you, thank you for that. seriously, thank you. attaching an emale address to this blog was the best thing i've ever done for the site...hearing your guys' thoughts as well as your own stories and ideas is an amazing thing and i think it's awesome that you trust me enough to share pieces of your own life with me.

you guys are the best.

i mean it.

okay so, adam lambert...

i didn't watch idol last season. i thought it was stupid. i usually give it my undivided attention but i didn't feel particularly impressed or connected to any contestant. especially lambo.

so here's what i have to say: he's already annoying me. i think my annoyance originated from the Details magazine he was recently featured on/in. the whole article was pretty self-absorbed and all of the photo shots were of him basically being breastfed by a woman. i guess that kept the straight subscribers from cancelling their subscription. it was weird.

i pretty much hated it. and i can't escape how horrible he looks with all of that make-up. guyliner? fine, it's been done a thousand times before, it doesn't affect me. but the foundation?

overload.

and i didn't watch the ama's last night...because i never have before and would never have remembered that they were even on...but i saw a video this morning on cnn about lambo's performance where it was him gyrating and making out with people.

you loser. britney has already done all that. and WOAH, did you see him kiss the keyboardist? it was hard, rough, and out of control. it looked like they smashed teeth bc lambo planted it so hard on his face.

it looked awful.

it's all pretty awful.

haters back off.

i love this...i love lauren conrad.

dear gap,

i can see that you're doing your very best to persuade everyone and their mother that buying that ever-trendy flannel shirt this christmas season is a great idea. apparently, it's a must have! even though most of us realize that the flannel shirt trend has gone 45 miles beyond its trendville destination and, instead, merged onto the poserland exit where it got a flat tire and has been stuck on the side of the road waiting for triple A ever since.

we all get it: you're loving that red, black/navy plaid pattern something serious and wow do you love all things worn while moose hunting.

loud and clear.

but, i'm going to have to burst your winter fashion bubble by saying:

YOUR CLOTHES FIT HORRIBLY.

all of 'em. including the flannel.

everyone knows it, too...except you apparently. here, let me hold your hand while i explain this ever so delicately:

yes, your apparel looks semi-decent from afar, and yes, your sylists do a super job of making your models look extra hip in their clothes within the print ads. so flattering, right? no. we all know it's a mirage. it's all a series of strategic posturing - tucking tails in, clipping the excess back ever so snuggly. and we all know your print ads are achieved by simply not moving. you move, boom. everything is untucked and going all to hell. so what about me? i move! therefore no amount of smoke and mirrors will ever trick me into buying your product. ever. i couldn't even tell you the number of gaps i've walked into, throughout my lifetime, thinking that maybe, just maybe your clothes might finally fit the average male body, but nooooo - i walk out of your store empty-handed every.single.time.

you wanna know why? it's called a dressing room.

who would of thought?! oops. once in said dressing room...all bets are off. you've got to be kidding me. putting it nicely, if i were born of cardboard nature and later assembled into a six-sided cube for shipping and packaging purposes, then and only then would your clothes fit.

it's almost sad.

for those of us without a box shaped body, your clothes just won't fit anywhere even remotely close to spawn such a notion of, yes! buy me! i'm worth it!

not even close.

and no amount of shameless marketing could ever convince me that my broad shoulders and size 30 waist will ever be appreciated or find a flattering angle to the naked eye. and in the real world, that's what it really comes down to.

get real and hire a tailor. they could do wonders for your company.

you're welcome in advance.

love,

ryansumner

i seriously had a couple things to bitch about today but i think my major bitch points have been lost in my hairspace. (that's a quote from the ever-hilarious anna nicole smith skyscraper movie outtakes.

but here's something that's always on my mind...whether i like it or not:

the press is out of control for the new moon. now, you know i loved twilight. but lets also keep in mind that i saw it for the first time...barely 3 weeks ago. chances are i may or may not see new moon under the same kind of time scenario. things of this nature just don't dominate my priority list.

and, girls of the world, reassess what it is that makes you happy and zest for life. if it has anything to do with vampires, team edward, or team jacob...you need to reassess. you need to regroup. and you need to act normal for five seconds.

stop being freaks.

thank you!

i have no idea what she's saying, and it really doesn't matter. if i was as easily amused as this lady....life would be fantastic. i know it will make you smile.

my realtor just sent me an email...

"Hi Ryan!
I see that you keep looking at properties from time to time and I would kindly ask that you let me know what your intentions are, if you are just casually looking and that is of course fine, please keep doing so."

um,

a) shut up
b) myob
c) i don't like your tone
and d) have you ever heard of a run-on sentence? guilty as charged.

some people view me as hotheaded, angsty, unhappy, mean, whatever...
but none of it is true. you can't read someone's blog and think that it's a complete tell-all of who that person really is inside.

or maybe you can?

but not so much with me. i'm probably one of the least confrontational people in existence. i don't get in people's faces, i don't yell, i don't overreact (although once i was thrown out of a best buy because i said 'bullshit' at the customer service counter. in my defense, what happened was bullshit but they viewed it as unnecessary hostility. whatevs).

typically i'm very calm, real chill, and mostly happy-go-lucky.

but, i also stick it to "the man" whomever it may be. i don't rest on my laurels...whatever laurels are. i'm just saying that line because it fits.

anyway...

i'll vent on my blog, i'll converse with conviction, i'll write you with dismay and a need for justice. i'll stand up for myself.

i've written countless authority figures i.e. the government, city councils, the police, better business bureau, landlords, corporate companies, and sole individuals to make them aware of an issue as well as request resolution. and i have a great success rate. i've done this for both myself and for my friends many-a-time.

it's how the world should work. you want something, you need justice...formally request it. you have beef?...write it out clearly and succinctly. it's how i cope and it's how i resolve. peacefully, without tone, and spelling it out word for word without involving unnecessary emotion.

but last night i went too far. i had a dream that was interlaced with reality. in this dream i was SO pissed off at the people who work in my apartment building i.e. the maintenance people, the front door people, and some of the residents in my building. i was FUMING mad at the front door people, which i am in real life, and cussed them out something serious. the maintenance people had done me wrong, which happened in real life too, and i had a horrible shouting match with them as well...to which they screamed back at me. that led me to involve the building board committee, to which i sat there and screamed into a microphone about all the things i was upset about. and when i mentioned that this scenario involved other building residents...it's because i spanked someone's kid! oops. the child was pounding on my door as a joke and wouldn't stop doing it, so i took matters into my own hand.

okay ryan, you've gone too far. while i fully believe in "swatting your butt" as an appropriate means of discipline in a child's youth...i've taken it too far when i'm swatting others people's children. my bad.

it was all so weird. in fact, it was so intense i actually woke myself up from screaming "what do you mean you don't have a list of everyone that works here? i want a first and last name of each employee!

and with conviction! i'm not sure where this rage came from, but it's lurking...somewhere.

i need to write a letter to these people to deal with these demons nicely. i've wanted to for the longest time and i have yet to, but this dream has made it very clear that it's about that time...

woah.

i'm going through facebook frustrations again. whether its the tmi status updates or the constant barrage of the news feed...it's all so much to take in. plus i feel like my facebook homepage is so scrambled. i don't know what the difference between a newsfeed and a live feed is? all the crap in my sidebar is stupid and mostly unnecessary. peeps posting survey results and game results and asking me to buy a pig or something from someone's farm...

someone at facebook needs to be fired. it's a huge mess right now. less is more. the design is so flawed.

anyone have any decluttering advice for me? i just want to know when peeps post pictures and i of course love reading when people go from "single" to "in a relationship"...that's some good juice.

over the weekend, sometimes i can't take a sec to sit at my computer and log into my blog to relinquish the demons and share my joys, soooo... i'll do it now while i have the chance:

friday the 13th was a weird day for me. it's supposed to be, i know, but it usually isn't because i don't care about things like that. i do care about rest though. i took the day off from work because i needed a day to myself. no schedule, no priorities, no nothing...

i went for a walk just before noon that day. i take a walk just about every chance i get. my walking course charted, a nice mixture of city and residential. the rhythmic melodies pouring from my earbuds keep my mood light and my mind open. i tell people that i like to zone out during my walks while i'm listening to music. that statement is entirely literal, too. i somehow go miles without realizing it.

but, on friday some weird things happened. as i walked out of my building a friend bbm'ed me to wish me a happy 13th. oh..yeah...i guess it is friday the 13th. who cares?

again, not me.

but, stuff started happening. weird stuff. for starters, i was almost hit by 3 different cars in a time lapse of 1.5 hours. what are the odds? one was coming out of an alley entirely too fast, another was making a right turn on red and apparently didn't see pedestrians crossing directly in his peripherial vision, and the other rolled through a 4 way stop. where are the police? anyway, each time i was directly in front of the vehicle upon our collision...i braced for death - my heart stopped, my arms and hands formed a protective shield in front of me, my brain sent out the message to my body's nerve endings to prepare for blunt force trauma. this is it.

each time i lived though. glad your brakes were working.

the alley incident was the worse. it was the most unexpected. whenever i cross a street or intersection, i always have some sense of fear that a car will coming barreling down the road like a bat-out-of-hell and make a brunette hood ornament out of me, so i'm always aware, alert, and cautious when crossing...but the alley incident took me by complete surprise. it was practically the scene straight out of home alone. i'm completely zoned, oblivious, unaware while this van comes shooting out of an alley between store buildings. my timing was impeccable - oh, hey fast moving van that isn't stopping. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! the driver slammed on his breaks just as the grill neared my chest. like a deer in headlights i just stared at the driver in shock. as soon as my brain processed that i had survived this near head-on collision, emotion took over and i mouthed "YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. SHIT!"

i only mouthed it because, obviously, there was a windshield between us and my earbuds were kind of loud so i couldn't hear myself speak anyway. regardless, the driver got the drift and, while grasping the steering wheel, lifted is fingers off the wheel and pointed them straight up if as to communicate "ok, i get it, my bad, peace be with you, lets both move along now"...or something to that extent.

whatever. i could have died because you were in a hurry and apparently are too old to recall anything you learned during drivers education concerning safe driving in alleys. i just glared and continued on in a noticeable huff.

3 times people...almost hit by 3 cars. what the bleep.

something else weird happened. i was walking up broadway street when i noticed this old, hunchy-looking woman hobbling down the street toward me. all things pointed wrong with this one. first of all, she was wearing a cloak.

a cloak.

it was a dingy, brown cloak that looked straight out of robin hood or something else medieval and old. and what's weirder is that, from what i could see of her face since the hood of the cloak was up and drooped over her head...was that she had black dreads. surely it was a wig but still...old, white woman...black dreads. not something you see every day.

she looked up at me as we drew closer. upon seeing me, the old lady made a face i will never forget. it was like she was trying to scare me. she walked directly into my path, too, as if she wanted us to play chicken. it was that face though...it was so scary. i would really like to show you the face she was making but i would never photograph myself looking so ugly and weird and let such a thing be accessible on the world wide web. but just know the face she was making was super ugly, her teeth were super not straight or white or...all there. think of popeye's signature face minus the pipe but plus wiry, oily black dreads everywhere. and wearing a cloak.

again, a cloak.

so, crazy lady...cloak, hunchback, and dreads...coming at me making a horrible face and trying to scare me. what does one do in such a situation?

i sidestepped her (clearly losing the game of chicken) and tried my best not to look at her. making eye contact would have scarred me (and scared me) and i don't need visions like that forever squatting in my subconscious.

after sidestepping the situation i walked really fast to gain ground between us. i never looked back, i had already seen too much.

were these events related to friday the 13th? probably not...it's just a normal day in a big city. but the timing for freaktastic events such as these were spot on.

you win, calendar.

i love this. and it's so true. fun does make everything better, even stairs:

has anyone out there had a tattoo removed? if so, can you please emale me and tell me

a) how much did it cost
b) how bad did it hurt
c) how many sessions did you undergo
d) how does it look post-removal
e) how satisfied are you with the procedure as a whole

i'm wondering if i should have a tattoo removed, or if i should get a sleeve of tattoos to mask the tattoo i don't care for?

it could go either way, i'm just weighing my options.

omg. seriously.

i just posted this article on facebook that talks about how lady gaga is an illuminati puppet with a mission of mind control and non-sensical manipulation. i am so deeply intrigued by this quote from the author:

"Her whole persona (whether its an act or not) is a tribute to mind control, where being vacuous, incoherent and absent minded becomes a fashionable thing."

yes, this is entirely true about lady gaga. her whole "act" is deep into symbolism and illusion that people are entranced, intrigued, and bewildered by...which ups her demand and "fame." she's talented, but she's a complete mind-fuck and boy do americans love that. that's why many of us are deep into drinking, drugs, and prescription medication. after a line of coke, binge drinking a handle of vodka, and popping 5 or 6 adderals, life is like one, giant lady gaga video.

but gaga isn't alone. look at what else our society is obsessed with - do you see a connection?

lady gaga
perez hilton
the kardashians
rachel zoe
paris hilton
the insider
carrie prejean

all of this mindless trash we eat up. yum yum yum. we love absent-minded, shallow, unintelligent entertainment. get me a starbucks, a hair weave, and some heavy eye makeup stat...i feel like a star! the more someone can shock us by being completely uncivil, pretentious, and entirely brainless...the more we LOVE it. the more we live it. the more we expect it as our own, blurred reality. secret is: it's not a reality. it's not fashion. it's not glamorous.

it's a pre-packaged, deeply planned, shiny gimmick. shiny sells.

give them your money. give them your time. give them your attention.

you're a part of the plan. and it's working to a t.

don't be so stupid, america.

our children are fucked.

omg what a bunch of crabcakes you guys are. had i known i'd get so much negative feedback about my less than freakishly excited stance on gaga i would have written more!

i just read 7 hateful emails about why gaga is so amazing, why her style is perfection, how she pushes the envelope, and why i'm so stupid for not understanding it...i was even called "jealous" of her talent.

fiesty. you know me too well.

you guys...seriously. first, i can have my own opinion. i feel like a broken record with that stance. second, the only reason i mentioned the gaga is because 900 people posted something about lady gaga's new video on both facebook and twitter, something to the effect of:

OMG LADY GAGA IS SO BRILLIANT OMG BAD ROMANCE IS AMAZEBALLS I LOVE GAGA GAGA4LIFE

followed by 9 million exclamation points and a link to her video.

glad you guys enjoyed the gag..a. i don't. i don't mind her music, it's fine and all...but c'mon. she's a spectacle.

anyone that demands that much attention from her audience...god i feel like i can't even say this without fearing for my life...but it's not because it's raw talent.

it's a production number. gaga has a great voice. i just wish she wouldn't rely upon glitter and blood and all-that-is-crazy-and-taboo to sell her craft.

just sing.

save the bs. every time her music comes on my nano, i'll give it a listen. sometimes i even enjoy it. but when she's on tv or in the videos...she's no better than carrie prejean.

somebody, anybody LOVE me!

and boy do the gays love her. she was super smart for crediting the gays with her success because now she's golden with them.

whatev. she's best heard and not seen.

that's just one man's perspective.

the gays are going gaga for gaga.

what's new?

my opinion: eh. i'm becoming less interested in pop, one gaga at a time.

did anyone watch the carrie prejean interview this morning on the today show?

holy crap.

i already knew this before, but after watching the interview it's been undeniably confirmed in concrete that carrie prejean is the dumbest, most hypocritical, spotlight-loving nobody that i have ever witnessed. she's worse than jon and kate combined. wow. it's like jon asked kate to carrie tara reid's fertilized egg and out popped carrie prejean 9 months later except in adult form. carrie probably weighed the same as 6 babies, so it's conceivable...well, before the boob job i guess. those things look somewhat heavy.

at any rate, the interview...um, watch it. without going into a long, unending rant about this, just know that if you are a "conservative woman" you should be extremely concerned that carrie prejean is toting the same label. she said "conservative women live up to a double standard!" "sarah palin has been criticized!" "if sean hannity criticized sonia sotomayor or michelle obama, he'd be thrown off air!"

???? (!)

get real prejean! anyone in the public spotlight (especially politicians) are going to be criticized fairly or unfairly, regardless of party affiliation. that's how it works. when you're a public servant, you're on the chopping block 24/7. have you ever watched fox news, carrie? it's not like they're singing kumbaya about all-things-obama and all-things-liberal.

and then carrie prejean is toting her rights to free speech. liberals want to silence her by releasing the sex tape...which you can call a sex tape, that's fine, but it's not...it's just a private video of carrie performing solo masturbation which was meant to be seen only by her boyfriend-at-the-time! and it's been released as a means to silence her!

??

wait, how does releasing a sex tape have anything-even-remotely-conceivable to do with silencing someone? that makes zero sense. if anything, it brings you and your i-hate-gay-marriage free-speech-enabled mouth back into the spotlight, you twit. and, call me crazy but...YOU'RE ON THE TODAY SHOW BECAUSE OF YOUR SEX TAPE. what silence?

but she loves the lord and he excludes her skin showmanship as sin because carrie is a model (did models exist bc? must have...) and, duh again, that video was private between her and her boyfriend-at-the-time! she's totally in the clear.

and, carrie wants the right to free speech, as long as she's doing the talking. when gays and lesbians or liberals debate her pocket-padding stance on gay marriage...well she's being palin-ized! it's not fair! stop being mean!

omg prejean, you're going to be so embarrassed when you finally become an adult and look back at your complete stupidity.

i bet her book still standing is a really good read. just kidding of course. the book is trash, carrie prejean is trash, and every thought in her head is 1) airy and 2) trash.

carrie prejean you are the weakest link. goodbye.

fave spam email of the day: from: edna volino subj: behold her beautiful bunghole!

(thank you "edna" for bringing back bunghole. i haven't heard that terminology since the beavis and butthead days. ahhh, memories)

i find this funny:

i hate to mention youtube again, but i like to watch choreography videos on the tube. i love every aspect of it: the gym setting, the camera focused on the mirror, the dancers rendition of britney songs, the people sitting around and watching...it's all so fascinating. in a weird way.

anyway, what's best about these videos is the dancers' clothing choices. it's almost like...if you're a dancer - you pick the weirdest clothes to dance in. especially the guys. it's always like huge sweaters and sweatpants or capris and converse hightops or cutoff t's with leggings underneath...my personal fave being a hoodie with the hood up.

and nothing ever matches. if you're wearing red on top, you're wearing bright purple sweats or a horizontal striped t with plaid boxers.

...and don't even get me started on the knee highs for girls. what do they do?!?!

it's all so wonderfully awful. but still so wonderful.

hey yall.

guess who i'm mad at? youtube.

yep. good ol'youtube...typically my best friend on planet earh, but today, well today we're in a megabitch fight.

think YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US!

as you might have heard in my latest vlog...youtube and wmg (warner music group...i think?) banned together and took a video of mine off air because of copyright infringement. which is ridiculous...because that's what all of youtube is. so little of it is straight up original content.

anyway, i noticed on my youtube account that a LOT of my videos are tagged for possible copyright issues...but so far only one has been taken down.

this makes me upset. i'm considering moving to vimeo or something like that. i think blogger also supports a video feature that i'll consider.

it's a shame though, because, like i said before, i love youtube. i spend a lot of time on youtube and i love the youtube community. there's so much good stuff there...

BUT

i won't tolerate ridiculousness. i'm not claiming to be britney spears (and certainly not scarjo) nor am i claiming that any of her songs were written by yours truly. same with all the other songs. (and as if i have the talent to pen something as genius and creative as 3?! puhlease.) i don't get it. if anything - it's free publicity for cryin out loud. c'mon you legal muckity-mucks...use your marketing brain. i realize they're two entirely different spheres of the brain, but hello there are big bucks to be made and these silly actions of yours aren't padding your wallets. be reasonable for five seconds. and then take me out to dinner as an apology!

i like my steak medium rare.

but anyway, stay tuned. will i stay tubed?

eek.

here's what a real friend isn't:

a real friend isn't a person who believes in payback.
sometimes you just give.

a real friend isn't a person who agrees with you all the time.
especially when your outfit isn't quite right.

a real friend isn't a person whom you can only tolerate when drinking or drunk.
nor should you learn more about them 3 beers in, rather than over tea.

a real friend isn't a person who dates your exes.
there's far too many people in this world.

a real friend isn't a person who has a secret.
from you or about you.

a real friend isn't a person who hasn't met your family.
they are your family.

a real friend isn't a person who would let you make a mistake without at least saying something.
"you have something on your face."

a real friend isn't a person who turns a blind eye.
call them out.

a real friend isn't a person who isn't there.
be there.

a real friend isn't a person who doesn't care.
care.

a real friend is a person, your person, who cares about you above themself.
i know that takes a lot.
a real friend requires a lot.
of you.

i have a lot of friends, but i have few real friends.
which is fine.

but it's important to know the difference.

ok, help a brotha out...what is with all of the hoopla about ryan seacrest having a stalker? don't all celebrities have stalkers of some sort or another?

of course they do. i mean, sometimes i get starstruck by seeing the chicago news anchor people in the streets.

omg that's nbc chicago 5's anchorwoman allison rosati! in a walgreens of all places?! look at her trying to choose a bag of chips. i like cool ranch doritos, too! i could see us being friends. i wonder where she lives?

so, just imagine if it were a bonafied celebrity, how much ones interests would be piqued? probably enough to follow them home, jump the gate, pick the lock, tiptoe down the hall, hide in the linen closet when you hear them coming, peak through the crack to see if the coast is clear, and if so, run out the back door with some of their jewelry/hair samples in tow.

that's what i would do. if i were a stalker.

but boy would times have to be tough for anyone to find the need to stalk ryan seacrest.

but i must say that while i absolutely loathe ryan seacrest, i would never wish a stalker upon him. maybe just an anvil, like in the old timey looney tunes cartoons where it would drop from the sky, land on seacrest with a big BAM!, and then seacrest would take the humanly form of an accordion and wobble around for a little bit going eeee aaaaaaaaa eeeeee aaaaaa eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

but the real question begs to be asked: is seacrest talking to the media about his stalker in an attempt to glorify himself as stalker-worthy?

me thinks so.

he needs the attention: when idol isn't on, who gives a bleep about ryan seacrest other than maybe the kardashians (which he owns) and maybe, just maybe taylor swift?

nobody.

but perhaps i would stalk ryan seacrest...if it meant that he had to go in permanent hiding and could never be seen, heard, or allowed to interact with mankind ever again.

i'm a giver.

fave spam email of the day: you think goat sare sexxxy? me 2. click here2 enter the barnyardd.

ok, so i know i've mentioned this everywhere my emotions are available online...but, i watched twilight for the first time and have since found myself thinking about it ALL THE TIME. wait...before i say any more let me state that i don't believe the movie, as a whole, was that earthshattering. while i really enjoyed it, if you look at it from the script's point-of-view, well, it was kind of...simple, and other times unintentionally funny. i mean, those scenes where rpat is moving extra fast? the baseball stuff? ...the makeup (their faces and necks were two different colors!)

kinda ridiculous. someone should have been fired.

but, there's just something so moving about raw intensity, passion and love that....wow, i don't know, it was just spot on in this movie. i felt it! even months and months and months behind schedule with viewing this movie, i finally got it. so this is why people are obsessed with rpat and bella.

lets be honest though - it's been done before - a la the notebook, where you can just feel the chemistry and attraction between the two lovebirds...but the difference with twilight is that it has vampires (sexy!) and is much shorter (thank you jesus). and i also loved rpat's role in protecting bella and being like...welp, we're together for life now and nothing will ever harm you. yes!

I LOVE THAT.

great movie. and i realized new moon is coming out soon...perfect timing, i'm so fresh off the high!...but if you know me you know that i won't be at the theaters on opening day. nuhuh, homey don't do frenzied crowds, especially those consisting of teenage girls. (i did it once for an american idol concert and that's a mistake you make only once.)

anyway, im not anywhere close to the batshit insanity other twilighters exhibit...but after the hysteria calms i will see it over thanksgiving weekend and will happily go through the emotions all over again.

i'm single, what do i have to lose?

long story short: i'm pretty much obsessed with all things twilight and will be scouring the internet for mall appearances where the new moon cast will be appearing.

jk.

or am i? today i watched twilight for the second time, not even 24 hours since the first time i viewed it. my excuse being that the second time i watched the movie it was with my mom. and she's normally a hard sell (aka she always falls asleep not even 20 minutes into a movie, regardless of content, just like yours truly) but she too managed to stay awake the whole time and was completely caught up in this shizz. so don't judge me!

AM I ONE OF THOSE FREAK TWILIGHT PEOPLE NOW??? you know, the ones you see on tv that FLIP SHIT about all things rpat and twilight and vampirish?

i just might be. oops!

GUILTY! lock me up.

happy halloween! and thank you jc for brach's candy pumpkins. amen.

as i mentioned in yesterday's post, apparently there's a football team called the kansas city chiefs and apparently there's a football player named larry johnson who apparently plays for them. until recently, none of this information was on my radar.

but, larry johnson was suspended from playing football due to a gay slur escapade he went on during nfl time and on nfl property.

larry johnson has since apologized to his fans for "letting them down" but made no mention of expressing regret toward the gay men and women he actually offended. nice guy, huh! the real breaking news is that larry's lawyer is appealing the nfl's decision to suspend johnson, saying in his defense:

"we know the n word is unacceptable, that's not disputable -- but f*g? I'm learning that there's a segment of our society that finds it offensive and that it should not be used. I didn't realize that, but I do know now..."

case-in-point of yesterday's blog: the n word is completely off limits (and isn't it a coincidence that larry johnson is black?!) but the f word is fair game? and in all fairness, he didn't realize it was offensive to anyone.

(?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?)

not all is lost though, thank god he finally learned about that "segment" of society that finds it to be a big no-no. why didn't someone tell him earlier? for all he knows, he could have made the f word his son's middle name! oops! that was a close one!

i mean, he's just a lawyer, he can't know everything, geez. his townhouse is located under a rock for crying out loud! cut the man some slack...

honestly, i didn't want to write this blog post...mostly because, no matter what i say, the situation is beyond my control. as most things are. i'm just one voice amid millions.

but since when did that stop me? never. so, here's what i have to say:

i refuse to live in an uneducated society. i guess that's why i always prefer to live in a city setting where a dynamic, open mindset almost always trumps the uninformed and close minded. i also refuse to live in a society that clings to their guns while memorizing bible passages. to me, discussion, awareness, and progression (none of which has to be secular) is what educates us as a people. we've come a long way in the field of education and evolution: the world is round and santa claus is not real. since these major realizations, some of us have stopped limiting our education. but, while we have indeed come a long way there's still a long way to go...for some of us...those of us without pitchforks (mondern day political signs) and on-demand-bible-verse.

that being said, let's talk about two words: n & f.

the n word - we all know what it is and dislike what it stands for. well, some of us do. personally, i would never, ever, in a million years use the n word. not in a joke, not in a gchat, not anywhere. never. it's just a word is a common response. but words have meaning. which is why the it's just a word bullshit doesn't work. if we used words that didn't have meaning...well, we wouldn't be communicating then, would we? meaningless words equate to jibberish or silence. but, regarding the standard sender-receiver level of communication, you cannot communicate a word without imparting some level of meaning or definition. it's impossible.

ok, back to the n word, my point being that society largely condemns the use of the n word. why it ever was penned in the first place (fear of the unknown - very common among white, christian land owners) is greatly disturbing. but since the (recent) dawning of equality, which now includes some minorities, we all know why the n word is off limits. we simply know better. use of the n word could destroy your entire life. you could lose your job, your reputation, respect, credibility. if none of that matters to you, well, regardless, use of the n word will automatically set you apart from society. forever you will be deemed a racist, no matter how much you apologize. you might not care that you're a racist, but you still are one.

but what's funny is that, as we all know, some people use the n word freely: black people use it all the time. according to whoopi goldberg, a la the view, black people own the n word and use it as a sense of freedom from it.

...whatever that means.

i don't agree with this mentality nor will i try to understand it, because apparently you have to be black to understand. i'm white, so what's the use? i'll just be an educated and respectful human being and choose not to use it, regardless of whoopi whipping out her race card (in case you didn't know, inscribed on the race card is "advance to go and collect $200!"

lucky whoopi. inscribed on my card is "you owe rent on st. charles place. $140."

fuck.

and then there's the f word. not fuck, no no...i obviously use that word all the time, freely. i'm talking about the gay slur. yes, that one. to me, the f word is much more interesting than the n word - only because the f word is completely fair game (somehow). despite the fact that the f word reflects an unending amount of ridicule, oppression, violence, and emasculation directly and specifically toward gay men...we, as a society, for some reason still use it. openly. all the time. the f word is said openly in conversation among everyday folk. no harm, no foul. the f word is always the punchline in a joke, gets big laughs on cable television and in the movies. it's funny, right? kids use it as a jab, as a means to tell billy he's not as tough as he thinks he is.

but to me, it's not funny at all. its not ordinary language. it's not harmless. to me, it's a derogatory word that invokes negative and hostile emotion. people use the f word to degrade homosexuals or the notion of homosexuality in the very same way the n word degrades the african american race. yet, unlike african americans, we as an "educated" people are allowed to degrade homosexuals by using this silly, little f word. in ignorant defense, somewhere in the bible apparently, it says homosexuality is an abomination. oops. so, those lovely, lovely do-gooders we call christians (aka the american majority) are therefore completely free, perhaps morally obligated, to hate, degrade, and demean those men that, keyword, choose to go against god's will by being homosexuals. so using the f word is fair game. i mean, if sinners are fallen angels, then homosexuals are obvious sinners therefore are fallen angels (and by fallen i mean they kerplunk straight to hell), therefore homosexuals are indeed f words. and god hates them! makes sense to me! start teaching that to your kids!

i don't mean to isolate christians as the sole perpetrators of the f word - plenty of straight guys, kids, and other forms of uneducated people use the f word, too. it's almost the same as, you know how christmas and easter are rightfully celebrated by christians, yet everyone else such as the sort-of-religious or not-at-all religious celebrate it too...minus the whole jc aspect? funny, right? instead of jc, they just add in their own deities like a red suit, a sleigh, some eggs, and a rabbit. same diff! so, you don't have to be religious to use the f word...ignorance is bliss, so everybody join in! but most times it stems back to the christians, the founders of this place we call the land of the free.

anyway, the ignorant side of me also wants to believe that...hey, if everyone can use the f word openly, because it's no big deal, then why can't we use the n word? hey larry johnson of the kansas city chiefs, while you're going around in fits of rage calling people the f word, i'm gonna go around and start calling people the n-word whenever i'm equally as mad!

luckily i'm not that stupid or ignorant, although i must admit i find it incredibly interesting whenever i hear black people use the f word, or have a general not-OK viewpoint on glbt issues. it's a sad day whenever a minority turns on a fellow minority.

i also thought it was funny when fans of larry johnson were quoted as saying "hey, leave larry johnson alone, free speech is his first amendment right!"

i bet michael richards wishes he had such backing...but somehow his hate rant was not in line with the first amendment...somehow. i'll need the hate transcripts, the us constitution, and some scooby snacks to figure this one out.

anyway, my long winded point is this: the f word stings just as much as the n word. these words hurt, they persecute, and they serve no purpose other than to destroy someone's self worth. is that something you feel comfortable doing? you shouldn't.

these words aren't necessary anymore, they aren't owned by those whom they disenfranchise, and they certainly aren't funny.

stop using them.

let's progress as humans, not as uneducated, bible-toting hatemongers. put down your pitchforks, bibles, and prejudices and raise up your vocabulary. raise up your tolerance.

peace.

first, a shout out to tlaloc because his poppedtarts blog post about the ice skating bear made me laugh out loud unintentionally. i love animals just as much as you and I was so enraged by the shenanigans of those people and felt extremely sorry for the victim (the bear). but it was the tyra line at the end that had me rollin. mostly because when i read it i automatically put it into my inner-tyra voice and that, in itself, is totally hilar. thanks t.

secondly, i'm considering buying a home. omg.

third, can i please repeat how much i loathe halloween. idiots in costumes are everywhere and it's not even halloween yet. and, halloween enthusiasts, just because you're costumed doesn't give you the right to be annoying to strangers. yes, i'm talking to you, glenda the good witch, who was sitting next to me on the bus, then tapped me on my head with her witch wand saying that she *poof* will make me smile with her magical powers.

a) striking me with a blunt object is considered assault every day of the week, including halloween, and b) i will not smile because you're an ahole.

and last, but not least, i will be making a v-log this weekend so stay tuned!

how fantastic would i feel if i had full hair, makeup, photoshopping, and a high-end fashion budget? probably like a million bucks! oh to be a celebrity.

i don't have any of the above. so whenever i'm on film, chances are not all of my angles will be flattering, my hair will be unruly, and my appearance horrific.

but that's what makes me who i am.

human.

and i celebrate being ugly and unkempt in this video. i watch it whenever i feel caught up.